notitle, notitle

Insomnia. Not even.
Some weak, mocking form of such.
Bright red numbers: 10:30, 11:27, 12:38, 2:03,
3 in the morning.
#@!%

Oh hello.
That last post? Haha...
Did I mention you have the incredible ability to make the sun shine?
Because you do. You really do.
Uhh. Things are decent again.
I had a wonderful afternoon.

I don't ever want to let these things fall away.

I don't see things looking up anytime soon, if at all. I just don't.

Lover Dearest,

This place is a hole, and I don't want to go. I wish we could stay here forever alone. This time that we waste, but I still love your taste. Don't let him take my place, don't just sit there.
Sometimes I wish you would leave me.
I'm not sick of you yet. Is this as good as it gets?
I'll just say it, or I could slip into you, it's so easy to come back into you. I stand for awhile, and waited for words. It seemed to not hurt and struggled to try. My tongue's turning black, but I'll take you back. You're still the best, more or less, I guess. ...I guess.
Don't you leave me. It hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay. And it might be alright if you go. It hurts me to say that I want you to stay, but it might be alright if you go. So leave me. I'll just try to hide it, or I could slip into you. It's so easy to come back into you.
Sometimes I think that the bitter in you, and the quitter in me is better than the both of us.

starved to death in a land of plenty?

i must confess; i'm in love with my own sins.

Urg.
I feel incredibly uneasy, in a way I can't describe.
Go gash out your insides, then weave some broken glass into a wetsuit. Put it on and roll around on the pavement for a bit, until you fall into the pool of alcohol. Follow these events with an eternity's worth of painkillers.
Inform me of your feelings, and I'll introduce them to mine.
...Not that I'm upset about anything, or troubled.
Everything is fine. Everything is great.
I think I know.

Today I hung out with Rachel. We're nerds. We watched Fight Club. Truly wonderful.
...People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.
I found out something funny as well.
There's some interesting rumours going around.
1) I'm a total stoner. 2) I did defamatory things with someone.
Yeah, go fuck yourselves, okay?

I want to go to sleep, but I can't.
I'm being submerged in obsessive thoughts that I'd prefer to be dismissive.
Literacy, I'm on my way...
Goodnight.

P.S. I hope you're all living happy, wholesome lives. :]

i'm right here, so come out and say it.

Helfuckinglo.
Be warned, I'm cursing a lot tonight.
Uhh, I don't remember yesterday.
Today was nice. I have acquaintances in drama now. Yay drama. (y)
Speaking of which, I'm supposed to be working on a poster for drama right now, but I'm not going to, because I don't care. I'll do it tomorrow during class and when I come home, OKAY!? Don't scold me, I've been busy today.
Oh, here's the highlight of my day- he walks over to me and says "Hello friend" and tries to hug me. I sidestep away from him. I forget what he said, but then he tried to hug me again. Then stupid me... "OHHH. Hey. Sorry." *hugs* followed by an awkward Mandy face. :P
I WASN'T BEING A MEANER, I THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING TO TALK TO SOMEONE BEHIND ME.
Hahahha, EPIC FAIL. :D Oh well.
^That wasn't even toooo fail. Know what that means? I'M getting less fail. :)
I wasn't pretty non-travestylike today, actually. I'm proud.
Oh, here's some bad news.
My friend got kicked out of her house. D:
This is the third time in two months that I've had a friend get kicked out of their house, and the second time I've had a friend wandering the streets in the evening, not knowing where they're going to sleep, and not really having anywhere go.
Fucking sucks. I'm so incredibly thankful that I live in a secure household, with loving, secure people. I'm so glad that majority of my friends don't have this problem. I would so hate to be stuck in such a situation.

So I just did some math homework. Read my conversation with my math homework?
*reads question 15* Draw a diagram to find... YOU KNOW WHAT, MATH!? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'M SKIPPING YOU. LEAVE ME ALONEEE.
Out loud, as well. Aren't I great?

Kay, I need some sleep. Dying isn't fun.

Dream of fucking cannibals, okay?
Night.

Oh how wrong was I?
Today has been quite the extraordinary day, really.
After my post of negativity, I talked to Rachel. It's nice letting things out.
Then I got ready. I wore the clothes I wouldn't normally. My hair looked just the way I wanted it. I went outside and took a picture of the glorious weather we have today. I then decided I could use a new book.
From there, I set off on my leisurely walk into town. My ipod died on me half way, but I really didn't mind. I got to the library in decent time and searched high and low for a book to strike my interest. And aha! I found one. I won't tell you the title, however I feel I'll be able to relate to it very well with some aspects.
I took that out, and payed off my mere fine (oops, due dates.) and decided to go to The Little Red Rooster. (Roster? I don't remember.) I ordered a tea, not really knowing why, or if it would even taste good. I can't even remember what type of tea it was. However, I took a sip and fell in love. It was absolutely incredible. I shall be drinking much more tea in the near future.
I then headed home; tea in hand, book in panda.
I thought, and thought, and thought. I pondered many thoughts. Here are just a few of them:
I thought about how much happier I am now. I took note of my sudden posture improvement. I felt thankful for the fact that my mind and body are not tainted with obscure substances and considerably dangerous beverages. I took in every detail of my neighbourhood. The trees, still considerably lacking, but so beautiful; the welcoming breeze; the many shades in the sky.

There are no words. Goodbye.

my head's in heaven, my soles are in hell...

Snore. Today is quite boring.
I'm feeling pretty disonnant. I don't know if that spelling is correct, and it's bugging me, but I don't feel like looking it up.
I feel this way because... well I don't want to talk directly about it.
Let's see...
Nope. I can't find any non-obvious way to talk about this. Apparently, I'm out of practice.
Oh well. Fall Out Boy and hardcore shit playing loudly tends to make this a lot better.
Anyway, I can't find any friends today, so I'm kind of just alone.
I think I'll walk around today, and maybe watch a movie with my mother later.
Yeah. That sounds fine.
Maybe I'll catch a movie with some people tomorrow...

My mind's wandering. Bye.

Oh hello.
Long time no write.
Well, it hasn't been that long.
I'd fill you in on the days that you missed, but I don't feel like it. Nothing really happened.
Let's just talk about today.
Today has been truly amazing.
I have friends. A real, legitimate, plentyful amount of friends.
Yeah. It's amazing what happiness and slight confidence can do to a person.
I talked so much today, I was almost at the regular standard of shy, possibly even greater than that.
Anyway, details...
So... I woke up lateish. Oh well. Got ready mostly. Entered my friend's mother's car. Went to school. Went the washroom. Applied makeup. Washed my hands. Went to my locker. Arranged crap for five minutes until friends arrived. No screw it, I don't even remember this morning...
First period... we just watched Twister. I didn't actually watch it though, because I was drawing a picture of Emily eating babies.
That class was only 45 minutes. Then I went to Religion. I made an escape route with some friends for meeting up again. My religion teacher read a prayer, snore. Then we went to an assembly. Well, first it was a pep rally. I sat with friends. :}
The assembly was about Invisible Children. Have you heard of it? If not, it's about children being kidnapped and enslaved as soldiers. Basically, we work to free them. Great cause.
Next I sat through another dreadful 45 minutes of Religion, then went to lunch. Lunch was fine. My friend screamed the most bloodcurdling scream, and the forum of 1/3 of our school went completely silent for about 5 seconds. Then about 30 people came running over. She told them all it was me. I went along with it, because it was funny.
Uhh... then I went to drama. Drama was good, as per usual. I'm getting the tiniest bit more comfortable around all of them. It's pretty great.
Then math. My class sucks. They never stfu, so we get in trouble a lot. Oh well. We had a surprise mini-quiz. I'd bet 3 toes that I got no more than 2/4. I would've gotten more if not for my classmates. Oh well.
Then I went back to my locker and met up with some friends. They witnessed a brief amount of hyper Mandy. Very brief. :3
Then Emily and I de-uniformized in the bathroom, and rejoined our friends. Yeah, that's right. FRIENDS. :D
Another friend from another school joined us, and we all hung out outside for three hours. Just... listening to hardcore rad music... watching some dancing skills... admiring franci. It was really great. Then half of them left, leaving five of us. We walked to Timmy's and ate, because none of us had eaten all day and it was 5 o'clock. We talked, got emotional, got rad, and walked back to school. We wandered around the school being happy and wonderful, and then one friend went to go play in the concert band. We attended our school's music night. Actually, half the time we were just running around the school...

Fun night, fun night. :)

I refuse to start this blog with any form of a greeting. Let's just jump right into it.

YESTERDAY WAS QUITE GOOD.
First, I woke up on timeish. Therefore, I looked decent. Except I was having issues with my kilt, and didn't have time to put makeup. However, I normally get to school early, so I had plenty of time to fix that. (y)
Hello, decency.
Next came the usual morning socialization with the normal kids who are rad, and I can't believe I'm actually friends with them more or less.
Then came geography. We watched the weather channel and filled out a sheet. Easy peasy. Even better; I didn't feel tired. I didn't talk to anyone. Oh well.
Then Religion. Uhh... some random bible shit. I don't know. I have a test Wednesday. I'm not worried, Religion is simple.
THEN... OH GOODY.
So I went to lunch. Did I mention my off-uniform epicness? I wore skinnies under my kilt, and a non-uniform shirt under my sweater. I'm proud; I'm getting somewhere. But I forgot socks, so it was awkward. (N) Oh well. Anyway, I went to go sit with my friends. Yes, I just called them friends. Crazy.
Oh, and Emily skipped, so she ate lunch with us as well.
And then, I skipped music. So, Emily and I had all three lunches. That's over 2 hours of freedom and epicness. During fourth lunch, we hung out with these other people who I feel awkward referring to as friends because I don't believe we're there yet. xD STILL. I like feeling like I exist. Even just a bit.
Did I mention during third I was really being myself? Finally, being myself. In front of all those people... this is what we call progress.
Fifth lunch was kind of a bore. We walked around and pretty much just did nothing. Then we ran into two friends, so we walked around with them, talking about Goldenboys. Hahah.
Next I went to Math. We had a test, and I'm not too sure how well I did. I hope I at least passed this time.

After school, ladidah. I talked with people for a bit, then completed my uniform deformation and walked over to my best friend's school. I was pretty intimidated at first, being at that school, surrounded by all it's students... it's like I thought they could sense my STAness. But they couldn't, and it wasn't scary. Alexander showed up beside me all of a sudden, and we went to take the bus back to Byron. Buses are awkward. Not normally, but that one was. Eventually our stop came, we got off the bus, and started walking home. It was nice. He's wonderful. Ladidah.

I went home, grabbed a book, and went to go babysit. The kids were hyper, and troublesome, but they're kids... so that's just the usual. I'm definitely not having kids when I'm older. If anything at all, I might want to adopt a teenager. But, yeah. I just don't like kids too much.

That's pretty much the end of my day.
Now I'm lying on a couch, wanting to make tea, wanting to get ready, wanting to have plans for today, wondering what my friends are all doing today, thinking of other ideas.
Good enough. Bye.

This Is My Alexander Inspired Post.

Oh hi. I feel the need to write. I'm hoping this will encourage more decent writing on my part, once this entry is finished.
Todaytodaytoday. Would you like to know about today?
First, I just want you to know I'm listening to Mandy Goes to Med School by The Dresden Dolls. I like them.

So first off, I woke up on time. On time enough. 5:55 am. I didn't get up though, because... that's just no good. My mom came in. I don't know what she was doing. Attempting to clean my room? I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure she went through my backpack a bit ago. Mother, if you're looking for my deepest, darkest secrets... you won't find them, I promise you. :)
I could be wrong though. My room is normally a mess anyway. I wouldn't blame her for wanting it to be a tad tidier. And bonus, she found my chapstick. :3

Anyway, after she left, I got out of bed. It must have been about 5 after 6. I think I got distracted somehow, because next thing I knew, it was 6:30 and I hadn't started straightening my hair yet. Oh well, it's all in moderation.

I was dressed, and hair-straightened by 6:54 am. Good timing. Then I went upstairs to drink my breakfast, because my brother wasn't out of the washroom yet. 6:58 am. Back downstairs. My brother was out of the washroom, so I went in to apply some not-actually makeup. More good timing. I was done getting ready by 7:18 am. I grabbed my fully charged phone, went upstairs, packed my backpack, put on my shoes, opened and closed my garage and sat on the front steps waiting for my friend. Her mom drives us most mornings. I'm glad, because it gives me an extra five minutes in the morning. I don't spend those five minutes sleeping, I spend them being ready, because normally when I take the bus I'm almost five minutes late and having to sprint to the bus stop anyway. Gawsh, I'm boring.

We arrived at school and stood in the forum for a bit. She talked to the people we spend our mornings with. I don't even know all their names, but it's okay. We're just morning acquaintances. Then we went upstairs to her locker, because it was only 7:38 and no one else had really arrived yet. She did whatever she does in her locker, then we walked down to my locker. I put my bag away but didn't put my purple splat sweater away, because I like it too much. Unfortunately, the teachers do not, and it's not uncommon for them to remind me. Oh uniform school, you make it so fun to "rebel". I said bye to one friend, and hello to another. We went to her locker.

Luckily, her locker is only about 20 down the hall from mine. I like her locker. I like our hallway. I like it a lot. Just... because. It's convenient.

Two more friends arrived, and I went to talk to them. Yes, legit friends. They don't intimidate me. Three other people arrived as well. I don't know who one of them was, but oh well. Slowly we all wandered our way down the hall to two other people. Eventually, we become a big pack. Or, they do. I stand beside them, but I don't dare utter a word. I have nothing valid to say and if I do, it's irrelevant, and unheard. That's just how it is. The bell goes, warning us we've got five minutes to get to class. I go back to my locker to grab my binder and notebook, double checking that my ipod is safely inside. I then go to meet up with two friends (legitimately) and we walk upstairs. Our homeroom classes are all conveniently very close to each other. I say goodbye to one, as she enters the wonderful world of Science. Wonderful for her, anyways. It's her best subject. My friend and I continue to my Geography classroom. She's not in that class, but she comes with me anyways so I don't have to be alone. We talk, and the bell rings, and she scurries off to her class, not far from mine. I walk into my own classroom. I do not say hello or goodmorning to any classmates. I do not even make eye contact. Instead, I take down my chair, sit in it, and pull out my notebook and a pen.

O Canada plays. I stand at attention, watching my reflection in the TV monitor. I feel awkward, and fiddle with my hands. I feel like all eyes are on me, even though I know for certain they are not. Again, I go unnoticed. Our school chaplain tells a religious story once our national anthem ends. I cannot tell you what the story was about, because I didn't listen to it. He says the usual "In name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." I watch people in the TVs reflection as they all cross their hearts and begin to pray. (Did I mention I go to a catholic school?) I, however, do not cross my heart, or even acknowledge the fact that a prayer is being read. Why would I? I do not believe in such mendacity. We sit down. I absent-mindedly doodle and write. We watch a video about Great Lakes and Glaciation that I didn't take in. We filled in answers, on some blanks on a worksheet. We watched... TRANSFORMERS. :3 I like Transformers. It's a good movie.

Bell rings.

I walk down the hall to meet up with my friends. We go downstairs, pass our lockers, pass the forum, and I even pass my classroom to keep walking with them to their other classrooms. Then I say goodbye, and turn back. I walk back to my classroom, Rell-eye-gon. The bell rings before I'm even back in the correct hallway. I show up late, but I couldn't care less. My teacher seems a bit perturbed. The announcements are read, though I didn't hear them. Maybe I should have.

We take up some work from a previous class. Stuff about the commandments. Lucky for me, I have an appointmence with my guidance counsellor. I slip out of class at 10 o'clock and head down to the Guidance office. I sign in and take a seat, waiting. I listen, and recognize the voices in an office with an open door. Those are the voices of my guidance counsellor, and one of my best friends. She's doing better in science, needs to hand in a form, blah blah blah... I wasn't eavesdropping, I swear. Eventually, my time came, and I went in.

First thing is first: AWKWARD. She's really one for eye contact. I had to keep staring over her shoulder to avoid her seeing into my soul. However, there happened to be a semi-decent anime drawing on the bulletin board behind her. I love anime.

She just wanted to "touch base" about how things are going for me. I told her I have no friends, laughoutloud. We established that I should join the newspaper club. I guess I will; wanting to be a journalist and all. Blahblahblah. I left and went back to religion. I missed something we were supposed to copy, and I was supposed to get it from someone else, but I didn't bother, because I don't care about the Beatitudes and I already have plenty of information about them.

Religion ended eventually, and I went to lunch. Well no, first I went to put my stuff in my locker and get my lunch. Fact: I don't actually eat at lunch. I just bring my lunch bag so I can hide my phone. I met up with some friends, and we went to the washroom. Then we went to our usual corner outside the cafeteria because it annoys the commissioner, and the cafeteria just isn't right for us. Another friend joined us. I spent most of my lunch texting my friend at another school, watching my friends creep all the pictures on my phone, laughing at my friend who was suffocating herself with a bag and rubber gloves, and listening to Craig Owens telling us to "think of us, on the bus". Yeah, you could definitely say lunch is my favourite time of the day.

Eventually, I made it to music class. I was late, of course. I set up my lime green clarinet and choked out some well-played notes. That was an odd sentence... I do not particularly enjoy playing clarinet, so lucky for me, my last music class is this week. We played Beethoven's Ninth, First Slide, and Stand By Me. I didn't mess up.

Music ended. I went back to my locker to put back my clarinet and get my math textbook, which led to my being late for Math class; last class of the day. I sat at my desk, watched as the teacher explained the weekend's homework. I even took in some of it. I started on today's homework. I didn't understand a lot of it, so I'll be asking my brother for assistance today. There's not much too say about my last two classes of the day. They're never very interesting, but they go by fast, and serve as a happy reminder that I've completed yet another day in grade nine.

I walked back to my locker, packed up my bag, and put on my sweater. I pulled out my phone and replied to some texts. I went with Emily over to the pack of epic children whom I do not fit in with, nor do I really exist around. We walked to our buses. I got on mine and went home.

I'll spare you the other details. I am truley sorry if you actually read all of this. It may have been wise to have warned you of the boredom that follows.
And oh, here comes the randomocity...

I'm sorry I can't be that person you want me to be, nor can I be that friend you thought I was. I am not the one you want. I will only let you down. I wish I were better, all the time. But it's not as easy as one two three four. You know who you are.

Ta ta.