All this new stuff that I've been doing lately- i.e. drinking, dancing, socializing, etc?
Yeah, I wish I were doing it all with you by my side.
Mlah.

I am a Jew.
Hath not a Jew eyes?
Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?
Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is?
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not... die?
And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.
If a Jew wrong a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge!

Last night was really fun, by the way. I danced all night and stayed out till 3am then cuddled with Kristin. Yeah.

I still feel so fkdnfkjd. I have an english project due tomorrow that I haven't started, a ton of english questions, I need to figure out what I'm wearing for off uniform, I need sleep, and I really want tea. But I kinda just feel like laying in bed and crying, but I don't have time for that.

fljkdfdsj I need to do things this week.

I wish I still had my coffee buddy. Fucking guh.

Merrrrr, I need to stop being so jdnsfkjn. I need to get out of bed, gradually start getting ready and put on my happy face. Tonight's going to be fun.

Do the world a favour.
Stop cutting your arms and slit your throat.

Hgggg, life lately.
I felt good for a few weeks but this one just isn't doing it.
I wish I could cry. I've come to realize that I feel a lot better when I cry, mainly because I spend such a large portion of my life being poker face. Or... strangely happy. Like I'm high on life at the time but it's short lived, because by the next morning I feel like shit again. I don't want short lived happiness. I didn't always have short lived happiness, I used to be happy all the time. Now I just... I don't know. I need a breath of fresh air.
It feels like things just keep piling up. I feel crushed, but not properly because I'm still walking around with my head up and smiling every now and then. It'd just be so much better to cry about this. I want strong emotion.
I'm still trying to improve my life and shit, though this week's been a failure.
I think tomorrow I'll go somewhere after school and take some time to myself. I just want to be alone, go to a few good places, clear my mind and get some fresh air.
I want to be happy for Friday, and particularly Sunday. I need to get it together.
I don't even know.
This is so ridiculously difficult. There's so much going on and I feel truly isolated right now. Like, I have a handful of people I could talk to, but I know it wouldn't help. These people cannot possibly understand it to the degree I'm looking for. They don't know what it's like, they're not living through this. It won't help to get it off my chest, I know this for a fact.
I just don't know what to do.
There was one person who once understood it. I could talk to that person about it for a very lengthy chunk of time and feel fresh and relieved afterwards. Unfortunately, they're no longer around.

So I'll just sit here in my sorrow and be lonely.
I hope I can fix things tomorrow.

Doing this all right here, right now cause my english homework can suck cocks in hell

day 01 - your favorite song
I think This Photograph Is Proof by taking back sunday is forever my favourite. It has been since grade 5, so.

day 02 - your least favorite song
Fuck... anything by rihannah. Like a G6. Half the shit on muchmusic.

day 03 - a song that makes you happy
This is hard to do without my ipod present. Wow, I can get sexual too by say anything.

day 04 - a song that makes you sad
Fuck it, getting my ipod. Okay.
fighting for nothing - meg & dia

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
always - blink 182

day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
FRIDAY - REBECCA BLACK, BBY. It reminds me of a lot of places

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
dogs can grow beards all over - the devil wears prada

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
roads that never end and views that never cease - we came as romans

day 09 - a song that you can dance to
well, i can mosh to 2nd sucks - adtr. does that count?

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
impossible, nothing "makes" me fall asleep.

day 11 - a song from your favorite band
let's pretend i have a favourite band and it's say anything.
every man has a molly - say anything

day 12 - a song from a band you hate
fuckin', photograph - nickelback

day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
caraphernelia - penis the veil

day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
uuum, i like some kelly clarkson songs. hahah

day 15 - a song that describes you
LITTLE GIRLS - SAY ANYTHING
or, y'know, hate everyone

day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
chelsea smile - bring me the horizon

day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
i don't listen to the radio.

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
^

day 19 - a song from your favorite album
ooh... i can't pick a favourite album. i just can't.

day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
2nd sucks - adtr

day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
zzzonked - enter shikari

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
bring me home - the morning of, everything must go - tbs live from orensanz

day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
NEVER GETTING MARRIED, IDGAF.

day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
friday - rebecca black. no, idk. i can't pick songs to play at huge events like this one and the above.

day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
baby i got your money - say anything

day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
i just laugh - nevershoutnever

day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
all i want - adtr OHWAIT I'M LEARNING IT

day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
all you did was save my life - our lady peace

day 29 - a song from your childhood
i write sins not tragedies - panic at the disco

day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year
lights out - mindless self indulgence

WELL THAT WAS A SUPER FUN WAY TO SPEND MY TIME, WEEEEEEW

I'M GONNA GO ANOTHER CAUSE I HAVE NO LIFE.
my poor blog will be covered in this shit. sorry pretty blog.

1. Five basic facts about you.
2. Five not-so-basic facts about you.
3. Five ways you break the ice.
4. Five signs that you’re into someone.
5. Five signs that you’re NOT into someone.
6. Five things you do when you’re bored.
7. Five things that make you hyper.
8. Five things you’re known for.
9. Five things you want to do.
10. Five things you’ll never do.
11. Five good things about you.
12. Five bad things about you.
13. Five ways to make you cry.
14. Five ways to win your heart.
15. Five things you need to say.

1. a) I'm 5'8. b) I have blue eyes with some brownish in them. c) I go to slut training academy. d) I can be extremely shy and awkward. e) I like music. Derp.
2. a) I'm self conscious of my toes. b) I fucking love throwing down. c) I don't do weed, but I couldn't care less if you do. PEOPLEALWAYSGETTHATWRONGUGH d) I'll rip you a new asshole if you call me Amanda. I think it's extremely disrespectful. e) I like spontaneity and impulsive decisions. Planning sucks.
3. a) Talk to me, but not with some cocky attitude that'll make me think you're just making fun of me. b) Smile, but only if it's genuine. c) Talk about music. d) Shyness is cool too. e) Just be yourself and whatever.
4. a) I look you in the eyes for long periods of time when I'm smiling/laughing at something you said. b) I talk about the most random shit. c) I say "that's cute". d) I make eye contact a lot, but also randomly look away. e) I ask plenty of questions.
5. a) I'll say something that specifically refers to us being FRIENDS. b) I randomly stop replying if it's not in person. c) I zone out and don't say a whole lot if it's in person. d) I won't hear everything you're saying. e) It's pretty obvious...
6. a) tumblr b) blogging c) reading d) sleeping e) online shopping
7. a) new people b) energy drinks c) korrin degraw d) walking around at night e) spontaneity
8. a) being awkward/"weird" b) not talking c) being a lesbo d) being a stoner e) sleeping in class
9. a) achieve certain goals b) paint c) improve drawing skills d) be happy e) get my hands on a time machine
10. a) break a promise b) cheat c) hard drugs, i assume d) drop out of high school e) abuse a child, despite anything i might say otherwise x)
11. a) I care a lot about people b) I'm helpful c) I'm not judgemental, contrary to popular belief d) I don't start shit with people e) I've met Rob
12. a) I don't open up b) I avoid people c) I'm always late d) Sometimes I'm a bit too sarcastic e) I think bad thoughts about people when I'm angry
13. a) YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CRY, I'M A MACHINE b) dump me in tim hortons without good reason after 8.5 months c) inform me that someone i cared deeply for died d) lie to me e) tell me an insult that hits home. but b + c are the only ones i'd cry in public about.
14. I don't feel like answering this
15. Or this one

KAY BYE

I'm so socially retarded.
I'll be in the middle of a conversation that's going swimmingly well, then suddenly I just hate everyone and feel like curling up alone and disappearing or falling off the face of the earth. So I tell them I'm taking a nap and avoid them the next day.
WHY DO I DO THIS
THE CONVERSATION WAS GOING FINE

I'm so dumb.

I've applied to eight places in the past week. HIRE ME, BITCHES.

...no, really. please. I owe my mom $2k. Hire meeee. Canadian Tire, I'm lookin' at you especially.

It's funny how things look up.
My grades have sky rocketed. I've been mostly getting all 80s and 90s with a few exceptions in English. I've been going out during the weekend, making spontaneous plans, meeting new people and just generally having fun. I feel like I'm living. I feel happy!
No more spending entire Saturdays playing video games, watching tv and sleeping.
Today I met some friends downtown, then met another one closer to home, wandered and froze with him for a while, showed up at a friend's house- they weren't home, hopped on a bus and showed up at another friend's house, had another friend join us, had four new people join us, then took part in some badass racing to get me home on time. I was late and my mom was pissed, but whatever. I shouldn't have had to be home by 12 anyway -_-

Next weekend I'll be out till 2, so that makes up for it.
My weekends are so much better now.

I'm realizing a lot today.
I really haven't been well lately. And when I say lately, I mean for the past few months. Not just because of the break up and all that. There's other things. I ignored them for a long time and tried to distract myself by focusing mainly on Jared and being happy with him. That became stressful, yes, but it was something I still tried to stick with. When it finally ended, it wasn't something horribly dramatic like my world came crashing down around me. It just kicked me hard when I was already down.
I used to be a very self reliant person. I think I still am on the inside, but lately it's been more difficult to pull that person back out.
I'm extremely determined to mend things. I need to pull my life together a tad more. I do like things to be a bit unorganized and jumbled, but I also need a solid base that I can branch out from. I mentioned this a few posts ago when I was thinking about meditation. I need the solid base to be myself again. I need to figure out what I really want, and continue to figure myself out through the years. I don't really care about a boy/girlfriend right now, it's definitely not something I need. If someone comes along, cool, but I'm not focused on it. I need things to be open right now. I also don't really miss Jared anymore, I've realized things about him. But this isn't about him.
I just want to continue spending time with friends and new people. I want to focus on art, try to keep up my good grades and continue to change the things I don't like in my life. I want to continue to try to change my bedroom, my appearance, etc.
I need to push a bit more negativity out of my life. I feel like it's leaving a nasty aura floating around in the air which is something I don't need.

I don't know how much else I can really say on this topic. Ideally, I'd have everything laid out nicely in time for the last month of school. I could spend my last month at STA taking in my last memories and doing my best to ensure they're positive ones. Summer will do as it pleases.

However, things don't normally go as planned. So, I'll just work at it. I'm going to take things lightly for the next while and just go with the flow of things. I'll do things differently, take some chances, do what I can to eliminate stress, blahblahblah. It's going to take a lot of time because honestly, I've done a lot of damage. But eventually, I think I'll be okay.

But what's bugging me is that I can't find the proper conclusion to this entry. It doesn't really have the vibe I wanted. I kind of just want to leave it wide open.

So the other day I went to the store and

There's too many things that I should and shouldn't have done and they just won't leave me alone. I'm not big on having regrets, but I really don't want to learn from these mistakes. I knew they were mistakes in the first place, I was just too afraid to do things differently. I just want to take them back. I just want to do this all over again, the way I should have.

My mama always told me that if I haven't got anything nice to say, keep quiet.
Must respect her advice. So,

GOING TO SLEEP NOW, BYE.

This is my 300th post.

Oh blog, my dear friend, I love you. We've been through so much together!

I'm gonna blog about night.
so I went to alia's and everyone was drunk when I got there. They drank all the alcohol already :(( So they were all, oh my god mandy, TOUCHYTOUCHYTOUCHY. I felt very uncomfortable and didn't want to go back when we went to get pizza, but then I found out they were getting more alcohol, so I said HELL YEAHHH. Pardon my typing I think I'm not fully sober yet. I did shots for the first time... we bought two bottles of tequila, lol. I had 5 shots whilst sitting on korrin's lap, and then I drank a lot of random remainders sitting around so by thetime Iw as done it was more like 6. I wrote a bunch of mushy shit on peoples walls and tried to type nicely but it was hard and I ended up deleting most of them (sorry alexander). Then I got up and walked around and looked over the balcony of the 8th floor which was friggin weird. Everytime I flipped my hair it felt like my head would spin all the way around. Eventually everything was spinning, and at some point I was crying on alia's bed, but I got over it pretty fast. I remember eric had the prettiest eyes ever and I couldn't stop staring. And I kept talking about jared, which was embarassing, but thank god I didn't text him or write on his wall. I kissed some people and made out with korrin. It was really sloppy. Oops. I just remember stumbling around a lot and telling people why I loved them. I didn't say anything too embarassing, thank god. I don't want to drink again for a good while. Just like, every couple of months is good. Then I woke up at 5am and started crying and saying I want to go home, why aren't I home? It took about 5 minutes to realize I was in my bed. Then I cleaned my spirals and laid back down and I feel completely fine. Well, my stomach's a tiny bit upset, but that's nothing compared to how upset it's been for the past 2 weeks.

Now I feel sad though, cause I keep thinking about missing Jared and if he didn't hate me so much, like if it were august again, it would've been so fun to drink with him there. Though I wouldn't have drank in august anyway. Thne he;d drive me hom e after like he didafter shows and I'd feel so secure no matter how craszy my ight was, and I miss standing on my driveway with him. The other night i wsa on my riveway and it made me freally sad because i remembered in august when he was in florida for 2 weeks and we missed each other soo much, he kept rereading our texts cause he missed me, and i'd lay on my drivewya and text him and we both looked at the moon and it was cool cause we were both looking at the same moon. Then he came home and we ewere so happy. I wish he misse dme now like he did then, but he never will. i could just cry, but i don't know if ican do that right now cause i've cried so much in the past two weeks. I jsut miss him so much. who he was, anyway. i know things ae different now nad he lied to me, but you know, in 2010 things were the best. i miss the cute things he ddid. he did a lot of cute things. i could list them all, but... Guuuh, thinks were so good. I used to always tell him he was the best and i really did mean it. he really was the best, for that time period anyway. guhguhguhguh Ij ust resally miss him. And I'm wide awake and I just want to go to sleep. Obviously I'm not completely sober because my fingers stil don't like me that much and I normally post stuff like this in my fully private journal. Though the only person that reads this is alexander, so i guess it's okay.

Neh. Also, emily was a really good friend through this all. It's a good thing she was there otherwise things would've gotten out of hand.

The worst part is when you're alone and crying, and all you want is him to comfort you, but then you realize that'll never happen again. So what do? Cry harder and hug your knees.

I feel like a 5 year old.

Even fresh air tastes gross.
And telling my mom I'm fine when I'm not isn't any better.
I wouldn't normally lie to her about that, but how do you tell your mom you feel like shit when she let you sleep in then took you shopping?
Sorry mom, your efforts don't go unappreciated. <3

Immature prick.
People aren't supposed to change, not drastically. They're supposed to grow up. You, however, are growing down.
All I ask for is an explanation. I deserve to know. That's all I want.
I don't want to bitch at you, I don't want to cry to you, I don't even care if we ever talk again. All I want is one fucking explanation. That's all.

But no. You're a dumbfuck who can't even do that.

I just don't want any of this. Not one bit.
Maybe that's why I try and sleep so much.

I'm so fucking upset. He lied about everything.

One day your world of complete and utter bullshit will come crashing down around you. And when it does, I'll be laughing at you. Good job pushing away the people that actually cared about you, you're clearly going places.

This week is just death.

But luckily, I've been to 3 shows in the past two weeks. Moshing is good.