Wait something just hit me. I think the reason I love hanging out with Alexander and Emily so much is because I feel most at ease with them. I love Michelle, but she's so ambitious. Some days it's inspiring, but lately it's just making me feel like shit. She's good at literally everything and is going to do so many awesome things with her life and is so self motivated and strong and crap and I just can't do that. I know she doesn't judge me or look down on me for not being as motivated as she is (no one else in the world can be like that I swear) but it's just depressing sometimes. She really is a fabulous friend though, and I love her, and we have really awesome conversations sometimes and when I get inspired by her it's a fantastic feeling.

But Emily and Alexander are much more layed back. I mean, Emily does her work, has good grades, is generally doing shit but her ambitions are more average, especially compared to Michelle's. And Alexander's not so good at getting school stuff done, which is completely fine because school isn't everything nor does it prove intelligence. They make a nice balance and I feel less stressed about accomplishing a million things. I don't even know if this is saying what I want to say. Sometimes I don't want to be ambitious, I want to curl up and sleep. But then I get thinking about how much more difficult that will be when I'm older and living in the real world and it makes me more sad so goodnight for real this time.

Uuh, today sucked (up until Emily and Alexander came over, of course). I've been so tired this week and working really hard on stuff... Monday I worked all morning and through lunch on an illustration project that actually turned out really nicely (inspired by the catcher in the rye), then after school I had my first shift which was a bit overwhelming. When I got home from work, I worked more on my illustration project till about 12:30 when I went to sleep. Tuesday I spent all morning, lunch, and period 4 in the dark room printing photos for the last time this year. I spent period 5 in the library working on period 4 homework and english homework. After that I got my hair done and I read my new isp book while the dye was setting in. Then I got home and finished another part of my illustration project, then went to bed. Today I worked on illustration all morning and lunch. I was super busy so I didn't really even get to talk to Michelle much, then I went to my fourth period class where no one talked to me. Korrin wasn't there (as usual) and kristyn who occasionally talks to me dropped the class. dat makes me sad. So all that's left is Matt but we didn't really talk either. Then I went to English and worked on period 4 work while everyone else socialized then watched a movie. I got really sad when I got home because I'm so lonely and I don't know how to fix it and it sucks. Prozac isn't doing shit for me.

BUT THEN EMILY AND ALEXANDER CAME OVER AND IT WAS THE HAPPIEST I'VE BEEN ALL MONTH I THINK. I seriously fucking love them, they are my favourite friends above and beyond any others. They're just perfect, I don't even know. We have so much fun together and no one makes me laugh harder and just uuuggh I love them! I've realized I usually get post emily and alexander depression after they leave me or I leave them though. I get sad and lonely again and it sucks. Now it's 12:30 and I'm tired and I should finish the final part of my illustration project but I'm fucking tired and I need sleep because I work tomorrow after school. I don't like working right after school, I wish there was time for me to come home for like an hour first, so I wouldn't have to bring my school crap to work and get changed in the smushy stall because I won't change in the changeroom part and have to worry about my damn nose ring and just ugh. All the stress. I can't wait for Friday, I'm gonna go to bed at 8 or something, I don't even know. It'd be nice if I just didn't work at all this weekend but I doubt that will happen. In 2 weeks I have another doctor's appointment and I really hope she gives me a higher dosage because I really want to be happy and I can't achieve that on my own, I just can't. Goodnight.

everything looks better with a title.

Standard post about things lately is standard... why do I bother.
I never blogged about last friday or whatever week that was and probably won't because I'm lazy and it's not fresh in my mind anymore. It's melted and dwindled into the ashes of my other memories and unless I get a goddamn pensieve or anything, it's bound to stay that way. Yeah... I don't know what I've done all week and if there was anything worth blogging about up until Thursday. Probably not. I don't do much but sleep, go to school, take naps, eat and go to the gym. Woopwoop. Thursday I finally had my orientation though. It was okay. The lady who works there was really nice and there was only one other new employee. She'll be working deli too, so I should probably not dislike her, but she's kind of annoying. Her and her sister both went to STA and both work there and they're the same person and not smart or interesting and kind of annoying and holy shit I'm being mean. At least they're both nice people who I don't feel uncomfortable around, so that's a bonus. I like my department head. She speaks like 5 or 6 languages and is really loud and kind of awesome. Michal works in deli too so yaaay. I think there's two other girls in deli, but I've never met them. Hopefully they're okay. Angelos seems like an okay place. My first shift is Monday. I don't have any others yet, but my dept head said she'd give me more as I complete my shifts and get more comfortable and experienced. I've heard she's fair about giving hours which is awesome.

After I went to my orientation I had a doctor's appointment. We talked about my anxiety and depression and other things and it was kind of merrr. I don't much like my doctor, something about her personality bothers me. She kept telling me I wasn't special for being depressed, which I know that, and she was probably trying to make me feel less alone but she worded it really weirdly and kind of made me feel stupid and insignificant and like I don't have real problems so I should shut the fuck up and get over myself. Then when my mom came back in the room, she almost completely changed tones. I guess, whatever, she does her job so I'll put up with her and crap... the verdict was I'm taking prozac now and on a waiting list to see someone to talk about anxiety stuff. So far I don't feel any different. Maybe a tad more awake in the morning but that's it. I have to see her again in three weeks to decide if she should increase my dosage.

I keep seeing this post on tumblr showing a bottle of antidepressants and the words "I don't want to depend on you". I think that's kind of silly, because a lot of depressed people usually end up self medicating with drugs and alcohol anyway. I figure if you can try and help yourself out, you should take the route that lets you be sober all day, rather than be out of your mind for a few hours and then back to feeling shitty afterwards. I like consistency.

With the whole being grounded thing, I'm really goddamn lonely. I've been spending a lot of time with Jake which obviously I enjoy and am thankful for, but I need other relationships with other lovely people... I mostly just miss Emily and Alexander because they're perf and my bestiest best friends out of anyone else. I always wish I could make new friends. There's a guy in the art program that mostly I just text, but he's a pretty cool person and I want to hang out with him. I want a new friendship! I can't build friendships if I can't see people though. I want to be around new people and actually socialize ;-;

Two people talked to me in the dark room yesterday and I was so happy and scared at the same time, it's a good thing it's so dark in there... my face turned bright red and when I turned away I was almost grinning. I know that sounds like a pathetic reaction to a 60 second conversation but nobody at school ever talks to me and it made me feel like I actually existed. Someone wrote in my tumblr that everyone thinks I hate them which made me feel kind of sad, although it's my fault I'm perceived that way. I just... fuck. I don't want to be alone anymore. I miss going to STA and having an actual GROUP of friends so goddamn much, it's (at the risk of sounding cheesy) truly painful. jdfngdkfjnsd I'm going to start crying if I think about it anymore. I hate being alone I hate being alone I hate being alone I don't want to be a hermit and grow up old and alone. I was talking to Jake's mom one night when she was driving me home and her and her hubby had been fighting and she's been really sad lately so she was fighting tears the whole time. She's not happy in her marriage, she practically gets bullied at work (at age 40! fuck life) and doesn't have any real friends or close family. The fact that she's 23 years older than me and is still dealing with the same shit I deal with today is the most depressing thing ever. She used to get bullied badly in grade 7 too, just like I did. I'm so terrified I'm going to grow up and continue to be miserable.

That's a main concept that's been on my mind for the past few weeks. That stupid saying about high school being the best years of your life honestly just makes me want to drop dead most nights. I can't fucking deal if it never gets better than this. I cry almost every fucking night. There's no way life stays like this, or gets worse. That just doesn't make sense to me. If it were true, the suicide rate would be much higher. Maybe at some in adulthood, a part of our brains commit suicide. We stop dreaming, stop hoping, and get sucked down into the shit hole part of society that says a house in the suburbs with money, kids, and vacations to tropical places means happiness. The person who came up with that fucking idea ought to be beaten. Not actually, because I don't condone violence, but just... ugh. I don't ever want to get like that. I want to travel, experience things, learn, expand my mind and be a selfish bastard without kids, just as long as it means not throwing away my ambitions. I really think I'd rather die instead of living "the american dream".

This was supposed to be a happy post about my life turning around for the better because I have a job now, am not constantly under any influences, hopefully going to feel better some day thanks to prozac, will be done stressful photo and illustration classes next week and get to start doing ceramics after school again, but somehow I got lost and dragged down again, as usual.. I'm sorry, I suck. (and I've been saying those last 4 words a lot lately.)

this weekend.

First I'm going to blog about today (Saturday) and then maybe tomorrow.

So today I was somewhat successful at lucid dreaming. As a result, I didn't get out of bed until 5pm, but that's okay. I think my dreams had more to offer me than reality did. It was really weird how it happened... I woke up around 2pm (oops, went to bed at 4am) and just kind of stayed in my bed for an hour or two playing multiplayer solitaire. Once I stopped that I laid there thinking, debating whether or not I wanted to get out of bed, and other stuff, when suddenly I got really extremely tired. I think I had been laying still in bed for so long that I accidentally tricked my body into thinking it was asleep. I felt extremely disconnected from my bedroom, like I was in a dream, so I decided to just close my eyes and sleep. Once I fell asleep and started dreaming, I realized in my dream that my mind was still somewhat awake and I guess this is lucid dreaming. My dream started out in a school gym. I think it was beal's but I'm not sure. I was with korrin and she was talking to me and I was trying to explain that I was lucid dreaming. The room was really weird, my mind felt warped, my thoughts were all over the place and it was just such a strange sensation and I don't remember it well. Dream korrin kind of laughed at me because she was almost certain I was on drugs. It was really weird accepting lucid dreaming and I could feel myself startled from it and beginning to wake up, so then in my dream I started spinning in circles. I read online you're supposed to do that. I felt like my sleeping body in bed was spinning in circles, too... though obviously it wasn't. It worked though and I was still very much asleep, but mostly in control of my dream. Dream korrin told me that if I can control my dreams, I have to prove it. So then I made everything in the gym upside down. The floor kind of fell away and everything flew up to the ceiling and was upside down and all the people inside were floating around, some upside down and some not... it was frickin' crazy. So then I went outside (I'm not sure where this "outside" was) and I guess the part of my dream I couldn't control wanted me to sit on some bleachers, so instead I made myself sit on the ground, because I could, and I threw rocks at the grass with my mind. The sky was constantly changing in a billion different ways and that's kind of all I can remember. It was fucking weird, but incredible and I want to do that again soon.

Actually I might try and go to sleep now... I'll blog about friday another time.

better week, better week.

Trying to focus on the good things that happened this week and not dwell on the bad. I hope things are looking up. This week I successfully developed a half decent roll of film... of course the pictures on it are nowhere near as awesome that one roll but... ugh. Nothing I can do about that. I'm just glad I've got new photos to print, as my other developed rolls are driving me crazy now.

I also babysat on Thursday. It was an easy night and I made a bit of money which is always nice. I still haven't heard from angelos about when the orientation will be... kiind of worried about that, so I guess I'll call tomorrow. Friday I went to wondersushi with Jake which was delicious and awesome and the rest of the night was okay. Saturday my mom said I could have someone over but I was really tired and unmotivated so I watched the movie Speak (based on one of my favourite books, yay), played sims and read a lot. It was okay. And today I WENT TO THE CAT SHOW. With Jake, of course. THERE WERE SO MANY CATS I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES AND SO MANY CUTE ONES AND JUST WOW. It was so frickin wonderful, I wanted to take them all home. Instead I bought a cute kitty ring. That'll have to do. They had so many awesome cat related things, next year I must return with more money.

Later tonight I was walking downtown to my bus stop and a guy asked me for change for the bus and I said I didn't have any, mostly because I didn't wanna fish for my wallet and then decide how much change I wanted to give him, which I immediately regretted a minute later. So I pulled out most of my change which wasn't even an entire dollar and kept it ready in my hand while I walked down richmond, in case anyone else asked. A bummy looking man asked me, so I gave it to him and the look on his face was really awesome. He was surprised and really happy, even though it wasn't much and wished me a good night and that was that. It got me thinking about how much it must suck to do that frequently and how many times in a day he must hear "no" or not even be noticed. I've decided that once I get my first pay, I want to put half of it towards charitable causes... like more to homeless people and putting more in charity boxes and stuff.

I know most people say not to give money to the people on the streets because it usually just goes towards drugs, but really, if they're willing to spend countless hours doing that and having to save all the small increments of money they get over time, they must be really fucking miserable. So if they want to spend it all on feeling better for a few hours, whatever. Life's tough, I won't judge them for it.

Or maybe they're just really hungry. I don't know. I just like seeing peoples faces light up like that. I hope this week is a decent one.

I'm really tired because I couldn't fall asleep after school (what is the world coming to??) but I'm gonna try and blog about everything that's happened lately. I don't know why I always feel so obligated to blog about my life, it really makes no sense, but I'll do it anyway.

So, Friday happened. My 4th period teacher did forget that she was going to ask me if I'd done anything about my social anxiety. That kind of made me sad. Wait, no, I'm getting ahead of myself. The morning sucked. I've been very discouraged about photography class (tuesdays and fridays) lately because the previous roll of film that I put a butt ton of effort into got ruined, thanks to someone ruining the developer. So, I didn't really have any photos to print and wasn't motivated to take pictures, so I took out a camera for the weekend then walked to the park. I learned the Victoria Park is kind of a depressing place to be when you're just about the only person there and the weather sucks. It was only 10 so I decided to bus home. I ate some food, changed clothes (I felt uncomfortable in my outfit that day, whatever) then bussed back to school. I got there shortly after the start of lunch and sat with Jake and his friends for the first time in the history of ever. It was really scary because I'm not good with groups of people, but they're just a bunch of gamers who all sit in a hallway and have a similar enough sense of humour as mine for it to not suck too bad. That was a beautifully executed sentence, boy am I proud. Uhh, yeah, 4th period again. I was kind of sad my teacher never asked because I was basically sitting alone all class and she had every opportunity but I guess she didn't remember or didn't care or whatever and maybe I wanted someone to talk to about it but oh well, right? Did I mention I made a guidance appointment then cancelled it? Productivity at it's finest. English was nothing new.

I went home, had a nap, then Emily came over and I got ready to go to Kristin's friend's house. We got downtown around 8 and were pleasantly greeted by Kristin yelling out a car window "faggots, get in the car!". So we did. We drove around briefly blasting Marina and the Diamonds, Hairspray, Gangnum Style, etc. Then we got to her friend's house and it was pretty awkward at first but not bad at all. Kristin's girlfriend Sara and their friend Jared was also with us (though he left shortly after). We drank a lot and talked and I learned that Sara doesn't hate me like I thought she did and is actually a pretty fun person. Then it was around 12 and we caught a cab back to my house and I was far too drunk. We went to shell, then Emily's dad picked her up and I went home and passed out in my bathroom until my brother and mom found me. I'm really glad I was too drunk to remember this part... I guess my mom was screaming at me, my brother was really worried and I was making so little sense that they thought I was on drugs... I stumbled to my bed and woke up around 1pm, incredibly confused. I was supposed to have had lunch in Milton with my grandma and uncle and them around noon, so when the realization of what happened sunk in I started feeling really horrible. I called Emily to see if she saw my mom or anything last night (I couldn't remember anything after getting into the cab) so I could figure out how much trouble I was in. That didn't clear anything up. Then I called my mom, telling her I felt horrible and was really sorry, etc. She was really mad and told me we'd talk when she got home. Long story short, I spent the day crying and spilling my guts to her about how terrible I've felt lately and the whole guidance/4th period/english/photography/social anxiety thing. She was pretty surprised to learn how messed in the head her seemingly normal daughter was. She made a doctor's appointment for me but it's not until the 25th. She's also now constantly worried about me, and I'm super grounded. I'm not allowed to do anything other than school or work for "a long time". Although seeing Jake is "negotiable" because she knows he's straightedge and really likes him. I'm happy I can at least still see him, but it's gonna really suck not seeing other people... mainly Emily and Alexander. :c I'm sick of talking about groundings and doctors and screw ups now, so moving on.

Sunday I went to Chatham(ish) with Jake, his brother, their mom and stepdad. It was pretty awesome. Jake's mom is really awesome, and she knows about the whole "came home drunk" thing and was much more understanding of it than my mom was and we had a talk on Saturday and she was kind of helpful. Right, but yeah, so we drove there and listened to weird music and Jake's mom kept taking pictures and dancing in her seat and singing along and being hilarious and stuff, and obviously Jake and Luke (his brother) are awesome too. So that was a fun hour(ish?) drive. We took a highway surrounded by pretty fall trees with all their awesome colours and tried to convince their stepdad to let them get a cat. In Chatham(ish) at Jake's grandma's, there was their 5 cousins, 4 aunts and 3 uncles... or something like that. There was also 4 dogs, a 21 year old 3 legged cat that sat on my lap all night, and a super charming ginger cat. They're a pretty interesting family. I had met at least half of them before. It's weird being surrounded by (and welcomed into) a large tight-knit family. I haven't been surrounded by family like that since I was 8 or something, cause now my family's all tiny and bad at communicating. It was really nice though, and the area they lived in reminded me a lot of Lobo which was kind of comforting. Jake and I went for a bike ride to look at a variety store that had recently been burned down (though it looked more like it had been bombed), and then further down a big long road surrounded by fields and barns and stuff. The guys played basketball and goofed off and stuff then Jake's mom took a bunch of group photos. I'm in their family photos... how about that. After, we ate a big dinner in a small kitchen that barely fit everyone, then everyone was either cleaning up or sleeping in front of a football game. I pet the 3 legged cat for 2 hours in front of the football game, surrounded by all the sleeping people, and I thought a lot.. because I couldn't pay attention to football if my life depended on it. A bit later one of their cousins walked in with a super young kitten that she apparently found in a ditch, so then I spent majority of the night in a small bedroom with Jake, Luke, 3 of their cousins and the kitten. One of the dogs barged in and tried to eat the kitten while she was in my lap... her head went in his mouth. It was horrifying. Later, Jake and I went for a walk in the dark (no streetlights in ghettoland!) with the charming ginger cat alongside us. By then it was a bit after 11 and we went home.

Monday I went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower with my mom. It was kind of funny how relevant parts of that movie was to my life. I was literally sitting in my seat constantly thinking "oh my god, that's my life". I hope it shed a little insight for my mom, I really hope it did.

Things are strange lately. I gave all my weed related stuff to Korrin today.. my choice. I won't be indulging on that by myself anymore. Being grounded and all, I also won't really have opportunity to partake on any other occasions. I'm okay with that. Lately all I can think about is my future. I want out of high school, possibly out of this city. I don't know if I want to stick around for a full year of art anymore... I'm not all too sure yet. I can't wait to start working though, and start saving for bigger endeavors. Being grounded means saving money more easily, woo. This has been a long post and it's really more of a summary of what's happened lately, when really, my mind has been much more chaotic and busy than my physical life. I'm tired though and I can't blog about it all. I think things are going to change a lot for me in the next while. I'm going to continue rereading the catcher in the rye now.

Uhh, this week. It's been horrible and I'm excited for it to be over. I am thankful for the long weekend, yes. On Tuesday I had a panic attack in period 4 in front of my teacher and it was so horrible and I feel pathetic. Luckily no one in my class saw. Shortly after that occurance I made a guidance appointment for today, but then I cancelled it yesterday. Oh, darn. I don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if my period 4 teacher forgot that she was supposed to ask me tomorrow if I did anything about my downsness, and if she remembered saying that she'd seek help for me if I didn't do it myself. Hm. Today I had to do a presentation for my english teacher at lunch, which basically consisted of us sitting and talking for half of lunch, so that wasn't much of a presentation but I guess I did well. It kind of made me sad though, realizing that I didn't want to leave the classroom and would have rather stayed to chat for the entire lunch. I like adults. I hate people my age. I spent the rest of lunch by myself reading. I'm gonna stop blogging now before I get sad again. I hope next week is a better week. Life drawing was decent today. The end.