pity party.

I DON'T WANT SCHOOL TOMORROW.
I don't like Beal. Even uniforms and sta jerks are better than Beal. Maybe I'm only thinking like that because I'm not there anymore, only remember the positive things, and I want what I can't have.. but really, I dread going to school. I wish I could have morning classes at STA, then art in the afternoon at Beal. That's totally possible, isn't it.
fnjdgnkdfngkdf
Almost a whole school year has passed and all Beal's done has corrupt me (that, and I guess learn to love art a bit more). I've made one friend, that's it. Everyone else just puts up with me because I'm a 2-for-1 deal with Korrin. Sometimes when I'm working in the library alone during English I look up from my empty table at the nearby people and think things, like: none of these people see me or know my name. I could have gotten stabbed to death that morning and all those people would still be sitting there, in their exact same places, going about their exact same business and not be affected in the slightest. It wouldn't even be something kids might mention on the bus ride home. I'm a filled seat in the classroom, one more obstacle in a crowded hallway, nothing more. I do not exist. I don't know if it's terrible to think these things or if it's ordinary.

Either way, I fucking suck and I feel like shit. I hate myself and being alone and stupid people and crappy friends and not being able to even attempt to convince myself it's going to get better, because it isn't. I've given this eight months to get better, if it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to. I hardly talk to anyone from STA except Emily and thank god for that.

I just want to feel happy and valued by people, particularly people at school, who I can have classes with and spend lunches with and stuff but instead I get a permanent invisibility cloak to wander aimlessly in. fkdkgjndkjgndk

And now instead of sitting here and letting myself continue to cry about this, I'm gonna smoke weed until I can't feel feelings anymore... just another one of the wonderful things that's come out this stupid school swap. At least I'll do some art after.

also in re-reading this I have to come realize that I sound like a whiney 4 year old who scraped their knee at the park. no need to point that out.

Things I do not put up with: anger.
Ever. It's a useless reaction that makes everyone feel like shit.
I do not want angry people in my life, not one bit. Life is too short.

nhgfdkjgdn I just want to go to sleep right now and wake up at like noon tomorrow, then not go to school. I want to hibernate, and not be around anyone, especially anyone at school. I don't want to think about things or make decisions or have conversations or anything. Goddammit.

wtf is this shit.

Blogger got a new layout and it's tacky and I hate it.

That aside, my house sold! I'm moving closer into the city at either the start of July or the start of August :3
I'm so excited for summer. I'll be out of this middle of nowhereland, going places will be a lot more convenient, getting a job will be more convenient, I'll be right near the sifton bog, and buildings other than houses and a gas station. I'll also be going to quebec, chicago and warped tour this summer. Not to mention, no homework or school to worry about. It's gonna be good, I know it.

In the meantime, school's gradually settling down. My english isp is out of the way, the most difficult units in math are done with, I have little to worry about other than my art classes. I've decided that so far, I quite like my printmaking class. Drawing classes are always good, too. I think things are slowly starting to look up. :) and now, back to homework.

another positive post :)

I just put my ipod on shuffle and the song Resolution by Jack's Mannequin came on and oh my god, the emotions. I used to love that song in grade 8 (?) after a friend put it on a mix cd he gave me for my birthday. I just got thinking about that mix cd, that friend, the songs on it, how so many things have changed and how some hardly have at all. Sadly, I don't speak to said friend anymore, but I'm content just reminiscing about the past. Now I'm listening to Jack's Mannequin and it's putting me in the best mood. :)

From now on, I need to listen to Jack's Mannequin when I'm sad. It helps, or at least, it did today. I'm gonna start my morning off with the song resolution tomorrow and hopefully it can make for a good day, and even week. I'm sure things are going to get better, even if nothing changes but my attitude. I don't want to be sad anymore. In this moment, I am ready to move on with my life and let go of a whole lot of lingering negativity. I want to go to my potential second interview next week, I want to get the job, I want to get this stupid unit in English class and my isp out of the way, I want to enjoy the upcoming spring weather, I want to maintain a better lifestyle... I just want to enjoy life.
I can do that on my own. I don't need to be surrounded by "friends" at school (or anywhere) for that to happen.

So I guess we'll see how things go.

thinkings

Positive post for once~

I feel more like my old self lately than I have in over a year now... but improved. For the past year and a half I was a bit codependent, unmotivated and close minded. I spent less time in thought and more time doing stupid things.. like, hanging on peoples' words, stress eating, watching mindless television, etc. I think I've finally shaken off the temporary codependent phase which is fabulous. I love that I'm not heavily reliant on humans anymore. I spend more time on my own, thinking for myself and exploring possibilities and whatnot. I'm lonely which makes me horribly sad, but it's a bittersweet thing. I've been reading more, focusing on art a lot, handing in better quality work in english, sailing through math, living a healthier lifestyle, and just generally being more productive. School might be a huge downer right now but I really feel like things are going to improve soon enough. The year end show is approaching fast which is really exciting. I'm hopefully going to have a job this summer and possibly going to work full time, so I can start saving for a car. I'm also considering taking an art course over the summer so I can improve a ton for grade 12 art. I'm glad I'm actually doing stuff and not just laying around embracing the sadness all day. c:

school sucked today.

Silently working on math by myself was probably the best part of it, honestly. We're doing probability right now which is so easy I can get 4 pages of it done in class, even on days like today, where I haven't slept in two days. The first all nighter was due to a painting assignment, but last night my body and brain just literally said "fuck you, you're not sleeping". I didn't even fall asleep in my classes either. Too strange.
After math was english. I had a quiz which I probably just barely passed. I got the previous one back and got a 60% which is really shitty for my standards. I found out my ISP is due in two weeks and I'm not even halfway through the book yet. So, that's shitty, but still doable. I've been a bit better at staying awake, at least.
During today's class I was thinking about how sad it really is. I've never spoken to anyone in that class, nor been spoken to. My teachers only just recently learned my name because they found out I'm a ~speshul needz~ anxious loser. I just miss grade 10 english. I had Mat in that class, plus a few acquaintances. Even in grade 9 english I had acquaintances. This year I literally don't have a single person, which is not only lonely, but also difficult to keep on top of all the work and due dates and shit.
Lunch is just an issue now. Korrin and Justin always go to the store and get high at lunch now, which was fine at first, but I've been smoking weed every day for the past two weeks... It's time to cut back. I don't want to go to the store otherwise because it's a shitty atmosphere unless you're taking tokes. That, and I'm starting to feel like a 3rd wheel.
On the days when I couldn't find Korrin at lunch or wanted to be alone, I always sat in this one semi-open area and read. I don't want to do that anymore because my "friend" always hangs around there and if he sees me, he'll sit with me. I don't know if I'm just extra sensitive lately, but when I'm with him at school he's a whole new level of douchebag that I can't even tolerate. That's saying something because generally I love mean people. I don't want to straight up tell him to fuck off though, because he's pretty cool outside of school. Or used to be. I don't even know. Plus some of his friends are annoying as fuck, so I just need to avoid that area.
This means, I have no fucking clue what to do anymore. The library is uncomfortable, Michelle hangs out with people I don't want to be around and I don't have any other friends... I guess on nice days I'll just go wander around downtown alone for the duration...
I have new art classes now, too. Today was drawing and it was really shitty. My teacher likes to pile on the work without much direction and the current assignment is crappy. To make matters worse, Michelle went home half way through, which meant more foreveraloneness in the afternoon.

IN CONCLUSION, no sleep for 2 days + not talking to anyone = very sad Mandy.
I know I need to make friends but I literally just cannot. No one approaches me and I can't approach anyone so, I just suck. Being alone all the time sucks. I guess it's preparation for ~the real world~ though, because I know it's only going to get worse.

On the bright side, I applied at a few places today and got interviewed. I was told I'd be getting a call sometime this week or next about a second interview, but that's not the first time I've been told that... so, not getting my hopes up.

I repel humans. That's it, that's all there is to it. This is my life.

I like talking about cats because not a lot of people hate them, therefore not a lot of people will hate me for liking them so much. It's a safety blanket, I guess. Pretending to be a cat is the back up plan for when being human doesn't work. It turns out this theory is not always successful though, therefore life is too difficult and I don't know what to do with myself or social situations. Now I smoke weed frequently which does me no favours either. I feel like shit and nothing works so I'm just gonna go crawl up in a hole of good music and art supplies and never come out.

Feeling like shit 2k12. No one to talk to because I pushed everyone away, and I wouldn't know where to start regardless.

This week was better though, I guess. Mostly just because I've either been doing art or being high or both literally all week. That, and sleeping. I don't know anymore.

This week's going to be a better one, I swear.

I am incapable of making friends and keeping them. I want to yell "I quit!" at everything because I really just can't keep up anymore.

Literally all I've done this weekend is sleep, eat and paint. I can't wait for my painting class to be over, nkjfdgnd.

Also, I need to not smoke weed so often. I think for this entire week I'm going to stay away from the store and the church. I think I'd even rather sit alone and read at lunch. I just don't want those people and their influence around me right now, it's messing me up more than ever.