my radness ran away and joined the circus.

How should I say, that I never wanted anything to change? If I rearrange the pieces of a broken down faith... do you believe in me? Because I'm not sure I believe in anything... anymore.

Pick up the pieces and make me understand.
Losing all demand, I've broken all my plans.
This year was a disaster.

What should I do, when I never thought anything would come true.
The solution for the broken down abuse...
I'm waiting for the fading floor to let me fall on through.
I'm getting closer to letting go of you.

What you don't know will only make this worse. I walked on the ledge. I saw the edge of my future.
Being held back by the past.
This year was a disaster.

fact: i didn't write this. sorry.

so many kids, but i only see you...

and I don't think you notice me. I'm not the way you think I am.

HELLO OUT THEREEE.
I tried to post yesterday. I really did, but it didn't work.
So I'll post about Monday, because I'm feeling talky.
Okayokayokay, so... wait, no. I did post about Monday...
It's Tuesday I'm missing. I'm all mixed up, haha.
Tuesday... OH, IT WAS OFF UNIFORM DAY.
Right. Right. Off uniform. I enjoy off uniform. I wore a purple tutu? :D
I also got made fun of, a little worse than usual. But that's okay, because they're just ignorant little badwords.
And, I learned more of Blackbird. I am so unbelievably slow, but I'm GETTING THERE, okay?

Today, being Wednesday, wasn't much to talk about.
I'm still pretty much the lamest child in life.
But hey, a brave smile and some texts from Rachel get me through the day, so oh well.

-

I want to pull a Noelle.

hahahaha.

mandy quit failing.
be better.

i don't know

I want to post, I want to let things out.
But I can't.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
I can't talk about it.
I can't get lost in my memories I have, and the memories I lack.
I can't, I can't, I can't.

She doesn't feel, she doesn't feel, she doesn't feel.

i won't let you fall away from me.

Dearest My Darling Blogspot,
Today was a pretty great day. Geography was the ordinary, except it was slightly worse because I didn't have the beautiful gift of music streaming through my ears. I mean, who doesn't like to listen to Jimmy Urine reminding them not to talk about my fucking boyfriend, whilst trying to list some grid coordinates? I like it...
Religion was slightly different than usual though, because somebody actually said hi to me. Well, I think they did. I'm 90% sure they did. Because they looked at me, and they're mouth opened, and a noise came out that resembled the word "hi". I mean, I could be wrong. Anywho, I tried to utter a "hello" back. I'm not too sure if they heard it, but oh well. Oh, and when they walked away, I most definitely did not pull out my trusty notebook and start doodling and writing failurelike poetry about how amazing it is to be acknowledged. No sir, I most definitely did not. Not me, Mandy, in room 120something at approximately 9:28 am. (:
Uhh. Lunch was cool. Korrin has fun ways of eating things.
Music... ehh, music. I don't like music very much. But drama is coming up. I'm looking forward to this.
Math... math was better. I have a test on Wednesday, and I might actually throw together a 70. Or at least a 60 would be cool.
Haha. Uhhh. I hung out with a sexilicious chicken tonight. It was pretty great. And I have a new goal? I must say hi to The Dark Knight or The Sorcerer (preferably both) sometime THIS WEEK. No. That's a high expectation. That, or...
I don't want to post about this anymore.

I have math homework to do now. Oh, guess what? I started getting ready for school at 1am this morning. I know, I know, I am just so totally boss, thank you.
I neeeeeeeeeeeed sleep. But I am not going to acquire it, because sleep is for the weak.
Party till you pass out, drink till your dead. Dance all night till you can't feel your legs. (y)
HALLELUJAH FOR MANDY HAVING A SOCIAL LIFE THIS WEEKEND.

Seriously, I'm going to do that math homework now...

Goodbye.

Hello there.
Today, I saw Zombieland. An amazing movie, it truly was.
My friends screamed. I laughed hysterically.
:D
Oh, and yay for meeting new people? (y)

Uhh... there's nothing I really want to talk about tonight.
That said, have a safe evening. Those are so hard to come by these days.

Goodnight.

i want to live a life of a new perspective.

(But you're not letting me.)
Who cares? Divine intervention.

I can barely remember today. I slept during all my classes. During Religion, I was writing, and I fell asleep mid-sentence but my hand kept writing the sentence. I woke up with squiggles all over my page that looked nothing like words. I guess sleep writing isn't an easy task. Still, it was pretty amazing that I managed to accomplish that. Even more? I fell asleep during MUSIC. Music class. Really. Drums, woodwinds, and brass instruments blaring throughout the room. How does one sleep through that? I even slept at lunch! I don't know why I was so impossibly tired today. I went to sleep at 12:30 last night. That's not too bad. Oh, and I've just noticed that this thing is four hours behind. So when I post this, it will probably say 5 something. But it's actually 9:43. (:

I really love school. I can actually escape my problems. They don't follow me. I'm surrounded by some of the most wonderful people I've been lucky enough to meet. I still don't have friends in my classes, and I only have four friends in my GRADE, but it's really okay. I just don't think I'm much like them. I'm sure they're good people, but we're probably just not compatible.

I really hope I can fall asleep early tonight. I definitely want to be hyper tomorrow. Not hyper, just very awake, and more Mandylike. It's just more fun.

GAWH, I feel so comfortable with myself at school, it's the greatest thing in the world. I even met some ignorant fbombs today, and the disgraceful things they yelled at me didn't upset me in the least. Their put downs make me feel better about myself.

I smile as I respire, because I know they'll never win. (:

I'm going to go shower and then read an amazing book. It's called The Killing Circle. It's really something wonderful.

Good evening, my non-existant friends. ^^

Bullets, Needles, Arrows, and Other Fun Objects,

If It's a Battle You Want, It's a War You'll Get. (:

In the morning, I kiss my reveries goodbye, and open my eyes. The radio is blaring, playing some "easy rock" travesty of a song, and all I want to do is hide under the blankets. After twenty minutes of examining every last plain detail of my ceiling, I decide it's time to get out of bed. Of course it is not because I want to, but simply because I'll miss my bus if I don't. I sit up, expecting the needles to slip their way through my skin. Waiting... waiting... waiting... but no sudden piercing pain. This is odd. I cautiously hang my legs over the ladder of my loft bed. Safe. I let my cold feet touch the equally cold metal rungs. I stand up to help assist myself down the ladder, and that's when it happens. Stab. Bang. Kill, kill, kill. My barefeet meet the uncomfortable texture of my red carpeted bedroom.

Texture is the least of my problems, though. It is what promises to greet me, once such a thing happens, that I am forever anxious about. I'm unsure of any other way to describe the impending occurrence of doom other than to tell you to imagine what it would be like to be a part of a world war. You're right at the most climatic scene, about to meet the rising action. It is where you pass the fine line between your safety, and the enemy's territory. Leaving my bed is leaving my safety. It is where I enter my reality-meets-nightmare's dominion. And like any prepared army, there are soldiers EVERYWHERE, surrounding me. I am in their realm now, and they want to make sure I'm aware of that. They ready their weapons, daring me to move. To try something. To do anything, really. I, however, am in no mood for their games today. I take an anxious glance over my shoulder, back up to the safety of my bed. Do I dare let my country down for my own safety? My "supporters" send me a warning glare. It is clear to me that I am on my own. I take the deepest breath I have ever taken, and lift my right foot. Do I dare it to move?

Dare, I do. I take a step forward. The most crucial step of my life turns out to be my last. My enemies shoot. Their bullets sear deep through my skin. They're inside me now, much like my internal organs used to be.

And everyday, I carry on, as more and more bullets, needles, arrows, and other fun objects continue to turn my insides into their cozy nest. For myself? My contents are forever trapped inside of a blender.

Some of us live with demons, others have skeletons in their closets... and the rest of us? We might just be too lost to know the difference.

- - -

This is what happens on school nights when I can't sleep.
See what I mean about inspiration being nocturnal?
And bonus, I finally got it out.
My current travesty is hidden within the words in the paragraphs above.
Congratulations, you have officially taken one official step closer to beginning to enter my world.
Goodnight, acquaintances.
Although I'm almost certain only one person actually reads this.

i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight.

I refuse to get out of bed. I refuse to leave the darkness of my bedroom. I refuse to leave this constant music. I refuse to face sunlight. I refuse to look anyone in the eyes. I refuse to tell a lie. I refuse to tell the truth. I refuse to let this go. I refuse happiness.

Tomorrow is going to be tragic with a capital T.

I think I'll have to take back some of the above refusals, because I'm about to go upstairs. But the other ones aren't.

I feel horrible.

Bye now.

give me all your poison, and give me all your pills.

"When we first started out I had a really big issue and a lot of my loved ones had a really big issue with the fact that I was totally in pain up there and there was a time when I tried to hurt myself off stage, but I got over that. Like, you should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person and I think that that is going to be a lot of what the next record is about, not to plug it or anything. Like, it's going to talk about dying and coming back to become what you totally want to become. We are all becoming what we want to become."

"Yeah, obviously we use vampires as a metaphor for something else, something deeper than just the supernatural. But there's just something about the bloodsucking walking dead, that can say so much to people. There are really so many people trying to get control over you on a daily basis and steal your soul in some way, take a part of you..."

"That's what happens when you're all borderline psychotic and there in lies the beauty of this band - our duality. There's a duality to each band member too. There's a desire to have this constant conflict. If we write a song and it turns out really poppy, we have to make the lyrics really fucked up. There's psychosis to everything we do for sure. One day we're probably gonna write this number one pop tune that will be about a massacre!"

"What I Like about The Sims is that I don't have a normal life at all, so I play this game where these people have these really boring, mundane lives. It's fun. My Sims family is called the Cholly family. I don't know why I picked that name; it's kind of random. The teenage daughter is my favourite, because I just had her go through this Goth phase. She's really kind of nerdy and she just became a concert violinist, which is pretty huge for the family. And she got into private school. But she started wearing black lipstick and she dyed her hair purple. It's pretty huge."

"I went to school in drag, in art school and my day was completely different because everybody thought I was a chick. You should see me as a chick. So I went as a girl, as like an experiment and it worked really well and everyone was really nice to me but I couldn't talk obviously...you know train conductors were really cool to me on my commute...HA! I looked hot as a chick!"

:D There are some amazing people out there.

I told you not to ever say that to me. You know I'm self conscious about it. :(

Today was the usual. It started out really bad, but at lunch everything miraculously got better. I came home and felt moderately happy. Then I got my hair cut. I look waaay to much like my friend, but that's okay. I'm going to change that soon. :}

TOMORROW IS THE DAY. FIELDD TRIPPPP. I have no friends.

ihavenofriendsihavenofriendsihavenofriendsihavenofriendsitinki'mgoingtocry. D:

Goodnight!

intoxicated circulation

I feel okay today.

I didn't this morning. But I feel okay right now.
I didn't hate school. I didn't want to run out of all my classes and hide. Not in the afternoon.
And this morning... I wrote poetry. I actually did.
It's not very good, and it's horribly depressing, but it was my first attempt EVER and I don't completely hate it.
I started learning a song by The Beatles on guitar today. It's such a good song, I'm terrified that I might just slaughter it. But you can't spell slaughter without LAUGHTER! (:
Yeah, I'm kind of strange from time to time.
On Thursday, I have a field trip, and I am anxious out of my mind about it. I don't have to wear my uniform, which is a bonus, because personality and individuality is a good thing. However, we're supposed to be in groups of three and I have NO friends. Whatsoever. Therefore, no group, and I don't know what I'll do. Hence the anxiety. I'll just do what I do best. FAIL. (Y)

I neeeeeeeeed to be sooooociiiiaaaaaaaallllllllll.

Goodnight.

practice makes perfect sense to me,

I've got a lot on my mind, and I didn't know what else to do with all these thoughts.

I'm realizing that I am completely obsessed with myself. Not because I think I'm the shit, or anything. The opposite, actually. I think I AM shit. Haha. But really. I can stare in a mirror for an hour straight and take in ever single flaw I have. Then I think of how I would look without flaws, but I still don't see what I want to see. What I want to see doesn't seem to exist. It's unachievable, for myself. I can look at so many other people, and won't be able to point out a single flaw. I can thank someone for a compliment, but not for one second do I ever stop to believe it. Tell me how this whole "self image" thing works. It gets worse, too. I convince myself that if I didn't have so many flaws, then I'd be more social. I wouldn't be awkward. I could go up to whoever I wanted, and strike up the perfect conversation with them, and have them be my best friend for life. It's stupid. So ridiculous of me. Life doesn't work that way.

There's quite a few people I'd love to talk to. Why can't things be easier? Why is it not accepted in social environments to just walk up to someone and say "I think you're really rad. Let's hang out this weekend, find out if we're compatible, and then hopefully become best friends." Or if I could even just say all of that with one look. All it would take is one, intense, soul-searching look. Eye to eye. And BAM. FRIENDS. And REAL friends. Not someone you have small chat with every now and then. Not someone who you sit with at lunch every day for a semester, and never speak to again. A real friend. Those are so impossible to come by, it seems.

When did everything get so complicated? I overanalize everything, and there just aren't any answers. Someone please start making sense. Someone make this easy.

No, don't. I guess I won't ever accomplish much if things just get handed to me.

See? That's a conclusion. I think I might have made progress. Now if only I could get the progress out of my mind and out of my laptop. If only I could get these things out in more effective ways. i.e. through my mouth, instead of through writing or drawing. Not that there's anything wrong with those. Real, live words are good though. Very good.

Alright, that's enough. I feel childish. Goodbye, actually.

just let me know where you've been

I'm just going to jump right into this...

Wait. I don't even know what I'm getting in to. Oh well. So... basically... school is depressing. Honestly. Depressing. I was very out of my mind today. I'd give you examples of how, but... you don't want to know. I feel like everyone is happy but me. Am I the only person that gets stuck with issues? Am I over-sensitive, or just plain cursed? Not that I actually believe in curses. And you know what really humours me? Religion. If there is a God, I'm almost certain he or she is laughing at me right now. I keep stumbling about. Nothing is going right.

I'm not going to rant about this, it won't work out well.
I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of this. I'm not the only one who is.

Should I take off the blindfold, or do as I'm told?

Freak.
Bye.

make me feel like someone else.

WARNING: this entry has a horrible flow to it.

Today, my friend and I walked around the mall with a sign that said "FREE HUGS". I won't go into detail about it. It was just really interesting, and I think I'll be wanting to do that again some day. I never really realized how much I actually love most hugs.

I have a really sick feeling inside of me right now. It's all too familiar. It happens all the time. I want to know you. I can't let you know me. I have another day of school tomorrow. School is not something I enjoy. There are too many people who... I just can't talk to. I don't know why. I have the words planned out, perfectly placed inside my head. It's not such a difficult task. Well, it shouldn't be. I can't open my mouth. If I do, it's just to bite my lip. I can't talk to you, I can't talk to you, I can't talk to you, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Speak Mandy, SPEAK! My desperate pleas against myself are useless. I never win this constant battle. You're not all so intimidating, are you? What's the worst you could do to me? You won't find any blackmail on me; I'm a good person. You can say the most cruel of things to me; they're either not true, or I'm already aware of them. You could even try physical abuse, but that pain won't stay forever. So why is it I can't seem to say the words? You're most likely a very interesting person, who I'd really enjoy getting to know. Not that you would ever know that.

I'm losing my focus, I'd better stop this.
Goodbye.
Hopefully my next entry will be a better one.

hello world.

I'm Mandy, and this blog is only just beginning.
I'm not sure where to begin. I could tell you about myself, but if you're reading this, there's a good chance you already know me fairly well. If you don't, you just might get to know me if I continue to post, and you continue to read.
See? No further introduction is necessary. (:
I intend on being silently honest, throughout the life of this blog. I can't guarantee I'll be a frequent updater, but we'll see, we'll see.
I want to keep this first entry short and sweet, so... well I can't find anything sweet to say.
So we'll just keep this short, I suppose.

...until next time? (: bye now.