Hey. Hey reader of blogger thing. GET LOST. YOU'RE NOT WANTED HERE.

No, you're probably okay... unless... THIS FREAKING BLOG THING LACKS SO MUCH PRIVACY.
I CAN'T POST, CAUSE WHO KNOWS WHO COULD BE READING THIS?
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BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF A BLOG.
IHASDILEMMA.
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GoooooooooooodNIGHT.

I'm either gonna have to set up some privacy options for friends only or make a new blog, or just get over it. GET OVER YOUR FACE. Guh. I don't like not being able to post. I don't like it one bit. ):

Dare me, dare me

I always stumble home and pray I'll find you with your flamethrower eyes and jilted smile, so you can soothe my wounds and drain my bile. You're with me all the time.
-

I'm still thinking about it. 4 months of effort, and who knows if it's even worth it in the end?

Dare me, dare me

Here I am, laid down at the end of my rope, wishing I had not been born.Now I've spewed too much. I can never shut it up. I thought you should be warned. And I implied black sky, took the needle to my eye and sucked out all its glow. Oh, Molly Connelly ruined my life. I thought the world should know. I can't stop thinking about what she did wrong to me. I can't figure out just what I did wrong. I'll kill myself thinking about the things that you did to me, Molly Connelly.

I like you, Say Anything. I like you a lot. Let's go for a picnic.

-

I've had a really good, really busy weekend. I won't bore you with details.
I thought a lot today. One of the things I thought about was humans. I read statuses, blogs, etc and I learn so much about a person because a lot of people (myself included) reveal too much to the interwebs. Anyway, it makes me think "Wow, I wish I were friends with that person." I'd love more friends that I could just sit around and talk about stuff with. A lot of people have a lot of drama going on too. I want to be one of those people who can just sift through the crap and live an all around nice life. I'm doing alright with that at the moment. Anyway, back to forming friendships, as much as I'd love to make new friends, I don't see it happening. Who wants to wait around, bored out of their mind with me for 4 months until I can finally start behaving like a regular human around them? It's a long process and it requires a lot of effort. Who even has time for that? Who would even bother? We all have enough on our plates as is. So, I guess I'll just hang out here and let things do their thang. Yeah, I said that.

Seeyah.

P.S. One of my favourite passtimes is listening to you talk. Don't worry about my input, as far as you know, I have none. Talktalktalktalkytalk.

Dare me, dare me

I'm gonna post and it's gonna be boring. If you don't like it, don't read it.
MY blog, not yours. :}

So, for once, I woke up before six this morning. It was a very not rushed morning, and I even left my house early. That happens about once in every 20 days, basically. So it was really good. Um, last night was bad cause I was all bad and it was bad. Nice grammar right there. So, I thought I was over it, but I was in a pretty weird state. When things are so bad, you're in hysterical denial and everything's funny. Not that things are even that bad. Anyway, English was good. I had to present something and I'm pretty sure no one could hear me. Luckily, my english teacher is a smart lady and was marking us on the written work and not our presentation. So, I bet I did just fine. Then we made masks. Masks >D It's something I enjoy. Also, I sat with acquaintances and was social. Golden star for Mandy.
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Science, I got my unit test back that I studied my face off for. Five hours. I haven't studied that hard since exams. Anyway, I got a 67%. That's pretty freaking good, considering I slept through the entire unit. And I got a better mark on something else. We started a new unit. It makes me laugh and I like it. I like science, I just need to not sleep through it. :)
Anyway, then I fell down some stairs walking back to my locker. I'm pretty sure my eyeballs popped out of my skull in the process. Go Mandy. :D
Uhh, I had no one to sit with at lunch. Well I did, but I don't like sitting with acquaintances at lunch, I like sitting with my favourite people. So I ate in the washroom. Again, go Mandy :D Then I was readingreadingreading and with KristinKristinKristin. Awesome freaking bellossom, as apposed to studying for the French test I had next period. I think I passed that, by the way, which is a shocker. French was good. Phys Ed was whatever. I don't even feel for that class anymore when Emily's not there. I'm just a mindless robot who does most things wrong and the teacher is slowly giving up on me.
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Time to stop blogging.
Speak is quite the fine piece of literature. As long as you don't mind feeling the constant need to rip your eyeballs out. Yeah. Bye.

blaaaaaaaah.
Dear brain, please shut off.
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STUPID MIND, GTFO OF HERE.
Whatever. I'll get over it.

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):

I want to meet the higher beings.

Well, hey.
Heads up, I don't see this entry going anywhere.
I'm posting because I'm not sleeping, and normally I'd be reading, because I've been doing that a lot lately, but my book is almost finished and endings usually rip me to shreds. Run on sentences, hooray.
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You know what?
I can't express myself lately. I can't, I can't, I can't.
I think I've been thinking even more lately. I'm so lost in my mind, where'd that door go? I feel like when I speak, I'm not Mandy. As if every bit of each word is some fraction of a lie. I realize this is growing up, and I realize I don't know anything because I'm just an insignificant 14 year old with a paper route.
You know what bothers me? When someone tells me I don't know myself, because I'm young.
What are you even saying? I know who I am as a fourteen year old. I know my fourteen year old self QUITE well. Of course I don't know my wiser, more mature 40 year old self. I can't possibly. But I don't need to, because that person isn't even me yet. Why focus on who I'll be in 26 years now? It's not do-able. Do you know what I'm getting at? I hope you do.
Anyway, I guess I'll just make a few statements, and ask a few questions. I love questions, by the way. Also, yes, everything I'm about to say is completely ordinary, and I'm sure majority of teenagers think/feel the same. I don't care about them though, because this is my blog and I'm not trying to be significant. Also, I'm significant in my own ways, in select lives. Good enough.

I wonder if the reason why I'm so afraid of letting everyone else down is because if I did, I would ultimately let myself down. But I let myself down all the time by trying so hard. Striving is useless, sure, but what/who would I be if I just didn't bother? I don't think I'd be living.
I fear a friend hates me, and has for the past two months now. That's so completely ridiculous that it somehow makes sense.
I fear I'm lying about a certain something. I fear I've fooled myself into thinking I feel the way I do, when maybe, I don't at all.
I fear I'll never pull myself together. But have I really even fallen apart? How can I know something like that? That's where perspective comes in, and what's been going on lately.
I don't like how completely ambiguous life is. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm playing Pokemon, except I'm completely clueless and have no idea that the main focus of THE GAME is to beat the Elite Four and catch 'em all. What's the main focus of my life? Success? What's success? What's important to me? Career? Am I supposed to have an amazing career? Make lots of money? Purchase the best furniture for my incredibly swanky home? Have a better garden than my neighbour? The whole "love" thing? Family? Is all of that what life comes down to? I don't think I could ever fully accomplish even ONE of those things, much less all of them.
There's such high standards for EVERYTHING. No matter what I do, I can never win. There'll always be something better. Is this where acceptance comes in? How can you possibly expect me to accept my flaws when I'm surrounded by the ever-sinister media? They're shoving their ideal perfection down my throat, and I can't let myself think otherwise. We're all brainwashed. Who the fuck had that great idea? They're a jerk. But at the same time, it's so necessary. We all feed off each other. A big cycle. One man's trash is another man's treasure. We're all secretly uncivillized monsters. Is THAT how life is?
I once had a close friend, or something like that, who constantly tried to make me do things I wasn't comfortable with. He would tell me that I have to do those things, because it would make me socially accepted by the general public. But, that wasn't the person I was. Believe me, I do struggle so much with not fitting in, and never being deemed good enough. But I also realize that I can't ever accomplish that. Human brains aren't built that way.
It's like every little thing in the planet has a thousand meanings behind it, and you're shit out of luck if you think you'll find the right one.

So, I conclude, I don't know anything. Perhaps that makes me unintelligent, uninteresting and entirely ordinary. But how can I be anything else? We live in a world where everything is, potentially, laid out in front of us. Kindergarten with a twist? I don't want to keep ranting.

Maybe I should work on accepting more and thinking a whole lot less. Maybe I need to stop stressing the major things because there just aren't any answers.

Or maybe I need to make it my sworn mission to meet the higher beings. However, that is mission impossible. Not like that movie, because although I've never seen that movie, I'm almost certain there's a solution in the end. Not so impossible, is it?

OH, speaking of solutions, I like to throw this quote out there every now and then, because it's optimistic, makes sense, and normally makes me feel a bit better.
"Everything will work out in the end. If they haven't yet, it's not the end."

That's not word-for-word. It's probably kind of cheesy. Whatever.

Bye.

P.S. I realize I misuse commas, and my grammar isn't the best.

P.P.S. Things have been going considerably well lately.

P.P.P.S. Go thank your mother/mother figure for everything they do for you. They truly deserve it.

P.P.P.P.S. I don't know why I'm using P.S.s, as this is not really a letter. That's all.

I'm an emotional loser. :')

Leaving now would be a good idea.