I feel so strange. I can't quite remember the last time I felt like this...

I have so much trouble expressing myself lately.. I can hardly answer any simple question, I feel so distanced. Here's my lame attempt at describing my exact emotions.

In a way, I feel like a shell. Or like an altered Mandy, peeking out of some shell she doesn't belong in. It's like I feel everything so intensely- I'm empty, but I'm aching. I'm anxious and lonely and questioning my worth, and questioning everything, and analyzing everything. I'm having more trouble opening up than ever. I feel like... let's say my emotions were inside something... It's as though a stranger layer has been added to this arrangement of emotions, and this layer has an on/off switch for my emotions... Someone flipped the off switch. It's the outer layer though, so sometimes it seems like I don't feel anything at all. But the inside layer is like a really horrible hurricane, or volcano, or something else destructive. Meanwhile this shell of a body that I'm in is withholding this... I don't know how to put this into words.

I don't know. I really don't know. Even that stupid paragraph is making no sense.

I really, really don't know. But it hurts. Somewhere in there, it hurts a lot. I haven't felt like this in so long. I can't tell if it's all due to Jason's death, or a billion other things.

After the first visitation we went to see horrible bosses... it was REALLY funny, but I couldn't couldn't laugh. I could barely smile. Normally, I would've been crying from laughing so hard, especially as I was with close friends... but I couldn't. I enjoyed it, but bkjdnfkjdf. Then we went to the second visitation and I completely shut down around just about anyone who wasn't Emily or Alia. I just sat in the basement with Alia, Nigel and a girl named Coral who I had just met and I didn't utter a word the entire time. It felt like public school or grade nine again. Alia and Nigel are two of my closest friends, but I just couldn't talk. Maybe it was because of Coral.

I do not know, time to stop blogging. I'm amazed at the fact that I've put this many sentences together.

I just want to find some magical words that'll make it all better. But I'll never find them.

/distraction

1. I'm bi.
2. I'm really bad at being on time and following through with cleaning my room. I'm pretty sure I've told myself every day since summer started "I think I'll clean my room tomorrow".
3. The one person whose arms I'd like to be in. I don't know. I guess mat, if anyone. merr.
4. I've only been on one real date in my life, so it's only the best by default.
5. My self esteem sucks. 50% of the thoughts on my mind throughout the day are about how much I hate my appearance. I'm working on it, though and I've gotten a bit better.
6. Who my best friends are... I don't know. Alexander is my bffl, of course, and I lahve him, but I think we've drifted a bit lately. But I don't know, that'll change soon enough. I've been pretty close to Alia, Waylon and Nigel lately though. And of course there's always Korrin and Emily. But yeah. I don't like to label people "best friends".
7. My favourite book is Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
8. My biggest turn offs: wormy guys, bad teeth, greasy hair.
9. Describe your best friend: He's flamingly gay and flamingly amazing. He can be so loud, crazy, and just plain hilarious, but there's also the much quieter, thoughtful and deeply caring side of him. It's clear as day he has good intentions and loves his friends a lot. He's also very stubborn and opinionated, but can always cleverly back himself up. And damn, you should hear him sing Kelly Clarkson. So great.
10. CATS ARE MY FAVOURITE ANIMAL, ALWAYS. Although pandas are a close second.
11. Someone I miss. Guh. Well obviously, I'm gonna miss Jason. I also miss my bffl, Nigel, Mat, Rachel, Gaby, probably other people too.
12. The reason behind my last break up was he changed, I guess.
13. I didn't do anything significant yesterday.
14. My greatest achievements: I guess getting accepted into bealart was pretty great? I don't know.
15. A description of the person I dislike the most: He's a confusing person. He's been through a lot and his mental state was not at all good the last time I talked to him. His perspective and opinions on things are very different. He's stubborn, and likes to annoy people, but he also likes to help them. He's the most sexual person I've ever met. He's a good actor and loves to play guitar. Blah.
16. My favourite song always has and probably always will be This Photograph Is Proof by Taking Back Sunday.
17. My last kiss was with Kristin. We were both really high. It was interesting.
18. What I find attractive in the preferred sex: I DON'T HAVE A PREFERENCE. I'm more attracted to a good personality, anyway. But for either sex, I like a nice smile.
19. Cats: Teddy, Precious, Maisie, Teka and Alice. Dogs: Romeo and Cruz. I also had a snake for a little while, but I don't remember it's name and it wasn't technically ours. I also had a tadpole named Richie, a container of ladybugs, and probably fish at some point.
20. I don't have a favourite flavour of ice cream, it's all delicious.
21. The one place I want to be right now... I don't know. No where's comforting. I guess I want to be somewhere surrounded by friends... scratch that, I want to be back at Korrin's birthday party this year, in her room, with Jason and everyone there... Things were really good for me that night.
22. The meanest thing anyone has ever said to me was probably "This is all your fault, Mandy." Because it wasn't something in my power and I did absolutely everything I could to help, even though it hurt me horribly, and scarred.
23. The places I have lived before include denfield, grand bend, byron, kilworth, and riverbend.
24. I'll love you if you're a good person and love cats.
25. My future plans involve doing my best to live a life that makes me happy, with a cat or three.
26. An internal conflict I have with myself is thinking I'm worthless.
27. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow.
28. I want to be an art therapist when I'm older, or something along the lines of that.
29. I can't think of a most embarrassing moment right now.
30. Two insecurities: my weight and my acne/acne scars. blah.
31. What I would do if I won the lottery: give a lot of it to my mom, save a lot of it, probably donate some.
32. A description of the boy I like: He's extremely friendly and easy to get along with. He has a really big heart, is a talented guitarist, is interested in psychology, loves food, loves soccer, isn't good at sleeping, has good intentions, is very sweet, very funny and makes a nice goonies impression.
33. I guess I love that I care so much about people, even if it usually makes things painful for me in the end.
34. My biggest pet peeve is when people exaggerate extremely about their life. Lying, I guess.
35. I've seen too many bands live to ever list.
36. Refer to number 6
37. I'm not sure if I want any kids in the future. I'm terrified of being a horrible mother or having them hate me.
38. My idea of a perfect date- It has to include good chemistry and a walk someplace pretty outside in the evening.
39. I'm really good at listening to people.
40. My most traumatic experience was my entire friendship with Colin.
41. I don't know where I'd like to live. Some place that makes me happy.
42. I don't know what the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me was. People say a lot of nice things.
43. Do I like where I am right now? I like my bed and my room, but I don't like how messy everything is. I don't like where I am mentally.
44. I can hear my favourite song right now. I've been listening to it a lot tonight.
45. My relationship with my sibling is pretty good. Taylor and I get along really well and have a lot in common.
46. Refer to 19.
47. My biggest worry right now is about Nigel.
48. I can't say something I've wished for repeatedly, otherwise it won't come true.
49. My relationship with my mom is good. She's there for me when I need her, we have a lot of laughs together and we very rarely argue. My dad is dead.
50. What words make me the best about myself? What does that even mean?
51. Something I should have said a long time ago. I don't want to answer this.
52. What my last text message says: I was with him a couple days ago
53. What I hate most about myself: my inability to really open up to people and truly be close to them.
54. Biggest turn ons: people that smell good, neck kisses
55. What words upset me the most- none come to mind right now.
56. What I hate the most about school is how uncomfortable the atmosphere is. Also, teachers that base pretty much your entire grade on how you do on tests. and teachers that don't give you any notes, which I know, teachers don't do that in post-secondary so I should get used to it and blahblahblah

the end

What do you say when death strikes?

"I'm sorry"? "This is horrible"?

They're just words. Simple, ordinary words. No matter how much meaning they hold, they will never outweigh that horrible feeling.

I want to write something thoughtful and insightful, but I can't. Blogging doesn't feel right. It's just words. That's all they are.. a bunch of letters that are completely inadequate to the incredible life that was taken from us today.

Rest in peace, Jason McLeod.

"I'm sorry. You're like, one of the best people I know. You know. You're pretty much what anybody would want to be around them. You're really nice, and smart, and fun to talk to, and you're really caring, and you put up with my bullshit, which is pretty much instant good person status right there. And you get treated like shit. And idk why. You have some psychotic weirdo who wants to creep you again, and then there's _____, who by and by, is a complete and utter fucktard for leaving you. It was his mistake and i've told you a billion times that you're the person who won here, because he didn't deserve someone as great as you. And I'm really jealous of him for actually managing to get someone as great as you. Because he really didn't deserve that. and..."

I guess I just like to save parts of conversations that make me smile. But basically, this is one of the few reasons I don't feel terribly worthless all the time. I'm lucky to have people as wonderful as this in my life. c:

Gah, it's one of those nights where I can lay on my bed for hours, listening to music with extremely relevant lyrics, just staring at the ceiling. It's a bittersweet thing.

SO, I've had a couple of days away from London, and means of communicating with London people. It's been really good! I thought about a lot of things, and it kind of hit me how much I've changed.

It seems in the past few months I've gotten into escapism. Particularly with alcohol and kissing people, which of course branched to weed and cigarettes.

It worked for a little while. It really did. I was happy to be in different shoes, not having to think about the past, living in the moment, etc. Unfortunately, it didn't last. I think over the past week up until Canada Day I was dependent on getting drunk once every week or two at the bare minimum. It was like if I just had one great night, I could relive it for a week or so, and that would get me by. Then after Canada Day, I just felt awful all week. I really do mean awful. I hadn't thought of such horrible things since grade 8. Alcohol and shit kind of stopped doing it for me. You can only hide from things for so long. But while I was away, I remembered that I still have plenty of good, clean fun. I thought back to a time during march break. It was a few days before poopface dumped me, but I was bummed about a lot of stuff anyway. However, instead of planning to get drunk (though that was partially there) I thought of trying meditation or yoga or something. I put myself in a new mindset. I actually talked to a friend about what was bugging me, and then I reminded myself of all the things I love doing- art, guitar, video games, going for walks, drinking tea, etc. It was awesome, and I was feeling pretty good again, up until poopface did break up with me. Hence everything in the past few months.

I know drinking once a week really isn't bad, especially for a teenager. But come on, it'd only be a matter of time until it turned into every other night. Let's not forget how against it I used to be.

I'm gonna bring back back more of the old Mandy. From now on, alcohol and whatnot won't be something I rely on to get by and be happy. It'll just be something that happens every now and then, that I do enjoy. But, y'know, I don't need it. I definitely do not need it. I love a good party, but I love plenty of other things even more.

I'll admit I'm a bit anxious about Warped Tour tomorrow, because running into Jared always makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm not going to think about that though. I'm gonna focus on seeing some of my favourite bands with two of my favourite people and we're going to have a blast. So, yeah. :)

Also summary of my trip to michigan: MANY laughs with my mom, bought a motherfucking Zelda wallet and belt buckle, bought short shorts and almost died with anxiety from doing so, went swimming, got a slight tan (my legs won't blind people now) and bought a ridiculous amount of clothes. It was a crapload of fun and my mom is forever the coolest. The end.

aaand I got my report card :D

76 in science (I thought I'd have a 70), 84 in history, 85 in english, 90 in art (and 95 on my isp)
Awe yeeeee. My grades have never been that high. All my marks used to be in the 60s and 70s, which the exceptions of english, religion and careers. Yaaaaay.

But it's making me feel pretty nostalgic now. I'm going to miss last semester so much.
Even though I was upset for more than half of it because of Jared or Mat or both it was still so much fun. :') 2 classes with Korrin, 3 classes with Mat, a class with Emily, a class with Kiera... I had someone to talk to in all my classes, as well as someone to walk to these classes with. That's so much better than grade 9 where I did everything completely on my own.

I remember in grade 9 geography, someone asked to borrow my pencil crayons. It was the only thing anyone said to me in that class (except for the teacher) within 2 weeks. I secretly had the biggest grin ever about that... over pencil crayons. That's how socially retarded I am.

Gah, but then this semester, things changed so much :') I'll never forget STA.

But I'm ready for Beal.

I need to blog more often when I'm in a good mood. This blog looks like I'm the most miserable person ever.

I'M NOT THOUGH :)

and tomorrow I'm going to michigan until thursday. and then friday's warped tour :D

frickin yay c:

Fuck you for no longer being the person I could get coffee with and talk to for hours about everything. Fuck it.

I'm sick of this week.

Yesterday someone I'm not a fan of wrote in my tumblr ask box: "y u no follow me!?"
I didn't answer it, so it's just sitting there. I have so much and so little to say to him, so I'm gonna rant.

Dear jkfsnsdjnfd,
Why the fuck would I follow you? I can't stand you. I truly, honestly, from the bottom of my heart never want to see you again. You think I'd like seeing your dumbass username and frequent porn gifs on my blog every fucking day? I do not think so. I want nothing to do with you. I almost wish we had never met. The very thought of you makes me so uncomfortable and so sick, it sometimes even makes me squirm. When I forced you out of my life I had absolutely zero intention of letting you back in, and I need to stick to that. You ruined my life and my very close friend's life for at least year, and maybe even longer. You've hurt far too many people. I can't do anything right ever since you came along. Though it's true, I made things difficult for you, and perhaps you can blame it on your handful of disorders, but the bottom line is: you are toxic. Our friendship had danger written all over it. I think even if we lived on opposite ends of the country that wouldn't be far enough. So quit reblogging my photos, commenting on my posts, and don't you dare ever try to communicate with me again. I do not need or want you in my life. I spend every day trying to forget you. Let me.
Fuck off,
Mandy.

It needed to be said.

I feel like I'll never have faith in anything ever again.

All these minor issues on my mind right now are irrelevant.
This summer is going to be filled with fun times with my friends. I'll probably do a lot of stupid things too, and even make some mistakes. But they won't be big ones, because I'm not a dumb person. I'm going to do everything I can to not let little things get me down.

In September, I'll finally be going to Beal. I'm going to focus on art and try my best not to get swept up in the bullshit part of high school. It's going to be a good year, and I'm not going to give it any more thought than that (otherwise I'll probably feel stressed and overwhelmed, which is on my no list).

Okay, showering then sleeping. Goodnight.

Here's what I'm not going to do: freak out, cry, blow things out of proportion, make uneducated assumptions, or make any bad decisions.

Here's what I'm going to do: continue to lay here listening to my favourite song in the whole world since grade 6, do everything I can to accept the past, try and think of something I could do to acquire closure from the past, focus on being calm, think of the things I need to say on wednesday, accept the small mistakes I've made in the past little while, plan on not doing them ever again, realize that they're very small and insignificant, look forward to tomorrow and wednesday, look forward to going to beal next year and talk to my bffl.

That's another good thing that's come from growing up; my coping skills have improved significantly. I'm not crying, I'm not curled up in the dark pretending not to feel this, I'm not cutting, I'm not saying things I don't mean, I'm not blowing things out of proportion. I'm being rational. Golden star for Mandy. (:

I can't stand nighttime. Not when I'm at home and alone.
No matter how great my day's been, I almost always have these stupid thoughts that won't go away. I don't know what to do with them, so I just sift through them like pages from an old book. I'm getting really fucking sick of these thoughts.

I'm gonna post about yesterday now, with a hope of distracting myself. This is going to be detailed. Some of it, anyway.
So, yeah, let's see. I got there around 5:45 and no one answered the front door, so I just went around back. I was, of course, greeted by the familiar scent of their garage, which is weed. Anyway, I found Korrin's parents and they told me they were all at tim hortons, so I marched on over there. I met up with them and we all hung around and walked back to Korrin's. We, being myself, Korrin, Emily, Mat and Alyssia. Once we got back, Korrin's mom told us that Waylon was there and then went to go find us, though clearly that failed. So Alyssia and I went looking for him and eventually found him. We went back to Korrin's and we all ate penis pasta and stuff. We then hung out in Korrin's room, listening to music and drinking a bit, and whatever else. Waylon was clinging to me, which I really didn't like, so I made faces at Korrin until she clued in and asked me to sit with her, where there was no room for Waylon. YAY. Except then Korrin's dad came downstairs when she had her arms around me which was rather awkward! Okay. Eventually, once I was sufficiently tipsy, we all walked to the fireworks. Waylon, Korrin and Alyssia went to buy food so I sat with Emily and Mat, while Emily ranted about how much she hates waylon. So yeah, fun stuff. Then we watched the fireworks, they weren't anything too great, and walked back to korrin's. On the way back, Craig called Alyssia and asked if him and some friends could come over. Korrin was too drunk to say no, so they all showed up. Korrin's mom was pretty mad about that, but the worst was yet to come. We all sat in korrin's room (craig + 6 of his friends) while waylon was lying on a couch upstairs being depressed. eventually I went upstairs to try and talk to him, but I was pretty drunk by then, which was a bad idea. Overall, I'd say I handled it pretty well. Waylon was pretty drunk and really depressed because he was finally noticing that I wasn't into him. I talked about shit from the past, told him I really couldn't date him, barely knew him, and still wanted to be his friend. He seemed to be pretty fucked up so I went to go get Korrin to talk to him, but Alyssia went instead. I sat in Korrin's room with people for a while. Later Korrin came downstairs and told me that everything with waylon was my fault and that he's talking about killing himself. That made me really fucking upset, and emily and mat were blazing, so I went to go find them. Somehow I agreed to take hits from korrin's bong. That was a really bad idea. I'd only been high once before and just barely. Korrin's bong is a beast. Apparently I greened out. It was awful. Everything for an hour or three after that, I can barely remember. At some point craig and his friends left and I completely lost it and cried a whole lot. Everyone wasn't well at this point. Waylon had more to drink I think, and got high, so he was fucked as ever. Emily was mad at alyssia and waylon, alyssia was a mixture of everything, korrin was frustrated, mat was upset, and I was upset. So I think what happened was: I sat outside crying with korrin, mat was inside crying, waylon was godknowswhere fucked as hell and crying, alyssia was trying to help him and emily was bitching alyssia out for good reason. Eventually I got it together and went inside and talked to mat. I can't remember our conversation at all. Korrin was with waylon and alyssia I think, emily was downstairs or something. What I'm told was, waylon was an absolute disaster. Korrin's mom was debating calling an ambulance because his heart rate was way too fast and he was hardcore talking to himself like he had schizophrenia or was possessed. He was talking about killing himself, questioning whether he was alive or dreaming, and saying a bunch of weird shit. Apparently whatever Alyssia was trying to do to help was making it worse. Eventually we all went downstairs, but waylon stayed outside. He ended up sleeping out there. Thankfully, things were completely fine when we didn't have to deal with him, as awful as that sounds. Then emily and korrin attempted to wax their legs. I think. I can barely remember this stuff. Sometime between 12 and 2, I fell on to Korrin's birdcages and that made a loud and awkward ruckus. Korrin fell asleep with whitechapel blaring, emily was asleep/half awake at random times, alyssia was sharing a mattress with some guy who was NOT my brother, and mat and I stayed up all night together. On that note, it was a really good night, and we sort of figured out where we stand. I got somewhere between 10 minutes and 2 hours of sleep. I have no idea. Around 9am I dashed out of korrin's room because my nose ring fell out. I overheard Korrin's mom raging about last night. Pretty much, she hates Alyssia and never wants to see Waylon again and can't even look at him. Yeah. She was a bit mad with me too. We all hid out in Korrin's room till about noon, when Emily, Korrin and I hung out by her pool.

That's pretty much the messy gist of it. Overall, Waylon kind of ruined the night and I never want to see him drunk or high ever again. Also I hate weed. Okay. But other than that, it was really fun!

Now the weird thing is, I got either 10 minutes or 2 hours of sleep last night and I'm wide awake right now. Poop. Byebye blog.