very interesting day. long ass post.

Today has been pretty different from my usual days, and I am very pleased about this.
My morning started with photography critique, then I spent the rest of it and lunch printing photos. I printed two decent ones! But there's still room for improvement... photography is difficult shit, man.
After that I went to my challenge and change class... we were in the lab picking our isp research essay topics. Basically it could be about anything that makes an impact in society... addictions, disorders, world issues, etcetcetc. I went with social anxiety because I'm already clearly quite familiar with it. I told my teacher my topic but didn't tell her why I chose it (it's my entire life). She walked away and then Korrin and I started talking about my social anxiety, and that she thinks I should talk to my mom about it and start seeing a doctor. My teacher overheard that though and sat down with us... hmm.

Korrin explained what she had just said to our teacher and my teacher asked me if I was sure I had it. Jokingly, I pulled up a website (we were in the lab) that listed characteristics of SAD, all of which I had. I really didn't want to have a serious talk about it with my teacher, I kinda prefer to just suffer silently and deal with it in my own way (isolation). But my teacher got serious and asked more about it. I then explained (with help from Korrin, because hi I can't talk) about the whole group work thing in my english class and she was shocked that I couldn't handle that. We kept talking for a good 10-15 minutes about it. She told me her mother had social anxiety disorder (SAD) and never received treatment and she felt sorry for her mom, because she thinks she would've led a much happier life. Then she told me that she had to get grief counseling, and Korrin talked about her experience with that, and they both told me I really do need help with my SAD. My teacher said I should think about it and consider my options (seeing a guidance counselor, seeing a social worker, seeing my family doctor?) and then let her know what I decide to do by the end of the week... and then she said if I haven't done anything about it then she's likely going to do something about it for me.. I mean, no pressure and all...

She really is a lovely teacher though. She's pretty old but very reasonable, smart and really cares about social issues, so of course she was a fantastic listener. It felt kind of nice telling her all that, knowing that someone other than whoever reads this blog could have the slightest idea of how much my anxiety really rips me to shreds. I don't know if I really want counseling though... I think it makes me feel selfish. I know my anxiety holds me back a fair bit in life, and I feel miserable more often than not because of it... but I just don't think I should waste a professional's time like that. There's more messed up people in the world than me. I feel like I'll go try and talk to someone and either won't be able to say everything in my mind, or I won't explain how bad it really is, or maybe it's really just not that bad and I'm weak and should just suck it up, then they'll think I'm wasting their time... I think the fact that I'm thinking a social worker would send me away because I'm "not messed up enough" further emphasizes the fact that my social anxiety is pretty bad...

Then I think about the number of times I've cried at school over my stupid anxiety, had suicidal thoughts over it, hurt myself over it, etc and the gravity of the situation suddenly seems much more intense. I don't know though... I blame myself for my anxiety. It's my problem I'm no good in social settings, why should I make it someone else's problem, as well? A long time ago my mom took me to the family doctor to talk about my self harm, back when it was much more out of hand. It was horrible though. I lied to my mom and the doctor and said I was done with it, made it sound like the only reason I did it in the first place was because I was being bullied at the time. I lied about the gravity of the situation, and about the fact that the thought of suicide had crossed my mind many, many times. So they both dropped it and we moved on... I sometimes wonder how much better off I'd be now if I had gotten help back then, rather than ignoring it and letting everything build up like it has now. But anyway, I'm just scared that will happen again. I'll go talk to a counselor and diminish everything to make them think I really am wasting their time. My teacher suggested I write it all down in a letter, because that's easier than talking. She makes a valid point. I'm just not sure how I feel yet. I'll think about it more throughout the week.

Anyway, back to my interesting day... I went to english and watched the group presentations. That class kind of sucked because I sat there wondering who might've noticed that I was the only person in the class not presenting in a group. I know my english teacher told the group I was originally in that I left because I'm uncomfortable around people. The thought of that makes me feel pathetic. No avoiding that, though. After school was much better though! I hung out with Sam and Jake! I was really worried it'd be awkward, and it kind of was at first, but it got better gradually. We ventured to an abandoned building that was fabulous looking. I took some pictures for my photography class, which will hopefully look nice. The camera I got from school isn't like the cameras I usually use there. It was really finicky and more difficult to shoot with which worries me. I hope they don't suck, maaan I hope they don't suck. After that we went to a sushi restaurant and I had possibly the most delicious sushi I've had yet! Mango shrimp tempura roll :3 We also came with miso soup and ice cream for free, which was fantastic. We then ventured to the infamous abandoned factory, only to find it had been welded shut. That made me sad. I did not get to do enough exploring there :( So instead we sat in a tim hortons until around 8, Sam went home and I went to Jake's. We had a good talk, which I was much in need of. I mean, him and I talk all the time, but lately I haven't been very honest with him about what's been going on inside my head, which I know from experience pushes people away. I don't think I said everything I should have, but it was certainly enough for one day. I feel content though. Jake's awesome and I'm glad this is still working well. He went to work at 10 and I came home and hung out with my mom for a bit. Seeing Sam today was also so nice. It wasn't as awesome as elementary school days of course, but it was still pretty great, especially seeing as we really only hang out a few times a year. She's just one of those people that no matter what I'll always respect and wish the best for. Hopefully we can hang out again soon.

This feels like my longest post ever... what the hell. I'm really tired now, likely too tired to edit this, so it may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo. My brain feels like it's been in overdrive for the past few weeks. My words can't ever really keep up. I need dreamland. Goodnight bloggyblog.

fear and loathing.

Having kind of a glum week. Last week was really bad though, so this one's definitely better by comparison. I can't believe it's already Thursday... I was gonna say, I had a really good weekend. I slept over at my bffl's house for two nights and emily and other people were there as well which was so much fun. I love those two, I don't think there's anyone I'm more content with. Saturday I went shopping with my mom (my god she loves to shop). Sunday, Jake came over, then I finished my art project. It's pretty decent, not quite special though. I knew it wouldn't be, at least. My teacher seemed pleased with it and I'm glad I finished it on time. It's for my illustration class which is pretty easy and the teacher's quite nice and easy to talk to. I guess I like that class, though the work isn't particularly thrilling. Hopefully we'll do some collage.

Photography class has got me down all week. One of my rolls of film didn't develop very well which makes printing the pictures difficult. I've only managed to print 4 so far. Two of them are pretty crappy, one decent photo has disappeared, and I have another good one which I only just developed today... hmph. Printing photos after school today did put me in a better mood though. I really hope the other one turns up. I've also been crappy with figure drawing this week. I drew a male for the first time on Monday night which was pretty difficult. My figure drawing class today was equally meh cause I wasn't feeling well. This is such a boring post, nobody cares about how much I suck at art.

On the brightside, today was a really good challenge and change class! We had to do group work and discuss an article about the effects of technology on teenagers and multitasking and more stuff like that. There were two people in my group who did most of the talking and I genuinely enjoyed listening to their thoughts. They seem like decent people, which is exciting, because decent people are hard to come by. I even managed to utter a few sentences here and there. Not sure I really got my thoughts out properly, but at least they won't think I'm mute.

On the topic of group work... we started some on Monday in English and it was horrible. Monday had been off to a really good start, then she sprung that on us and it scared me too much. It was just terrible, she said we could get into our own groups and then specifically said if someone's sitting alone you should invite them into your group because there's nothing worse than the teacher having to bring them into your group... Except then everyone got into their groups and I just kind of froze up and kept sitting alone. All I could think about was how horrible I felt and how much I suck. My hands got shakey and my voice could hardly work when my teacher tried to talk to me and then I started crying. How lame is that? 4th graders cry when they get picked last in gym class. 12th graders should not cry when they don't get picked at all in english class.

Anyway, I don't think it was too obvious. I fought it back as much as possible and eventually my teacher did that terribly awkward thing where she asked two random people if I could join their group and obviously they said yes (when I'm sure they were thinking no). I sat with them and tried to keep my head down so they wouldn't notice I was crying. I'm sure that just made me look even more awkward and antisocial than ever and just ugh whenever I think about that class I can't help but completely loathe myself. I think it's a big enough accomplishment that I didn't just leave the room. In the end, my mom later wrote me a note explaining that I'm a stupid retard who can't function in simple situations and I've been working in the library by myself every day since, which is how I prefer it. By myself. Alone, alone, alone.

I feel like everything that's been making me happy lately is far too temporary. I want to find long term happiness. Alas, I'm almost certain I would need an entirely different mind for that.

On another note, I'm really relating to Holden Caulfield as I've been re-reading the Catcher in the Rye. I think I'm going to write some Holden inspired posts at some point, comparable to my "Jeremiah story" I wrote in grade 10. Writing that felt awesome... helpful, even. I hope I can feel that way again this time.

"I don't know"

Umm, life lately. I don't know. The project I blogged about in the post before this one actually turned out okayish. I'm not crazy proud of it or anything, but I got it done and it's at least satisfactory. I'm moving onto the next stage of said project soon and I think it might turn out kinda neat. We'll see. Yesterday I took some nice photos for my photography class... I ventured to an abandoned copp's buildall building yesterday, smashed a window, lugged a desk around and found a sad looking tv all by it's lonesome. If it weren't so damn heavy and inconvenient to take home on a bus, I would've considered using it for a future sculpture project. Oh well. But yeah, hopefully that little adventure will make for some pretty decent photos... I've been taking a life drawing class Monday nights downtown. It's 3 hours and the level of focus and dedication I feel to drawing in that time period is really something. I've been drawing a lot more than usual lately. I've been going to harris park after school some days. I spend it sitting on a really comfortable tree where most people don't notice me and I either read or draw for 3-5 hours. I just realized I already blogged about this tree, but whatever. It's a nice place to embrace solitude, which seems to be about the only thing I'm used to anymore.

I've been really lonely and I'm stupid so I don't start conversations with people which might, y'know, help... I also feel like I'm drifting from Korrin a lot. At school I hang out with Michelle all day and if I ever see Korrin it's in our 4th period class, which she skips more often than she realizes. I feel like her boyfriend hates me or something. I feel uncomfortable with the two of them. Not even cause they're coupley, because they've actually eased up on that a lot. But when I see them at lunch sometimes it seems like Korrin's always in a bad mood and Justin's always just not talking... maybe I'm imagining it, they're not always like that. But yeah, I feel out of place if I sit with the two of them at lunch when they're inside, and I've pretty much completely stopped going to the store because I've been a good little sober kitty this year (woo awesome, good for mandy). I think Korrin's bitchiness is starting to get to me. I don't want to go into a big rant about her, because I still consider her a friend and she's not all bad and I'm trying not to speak terribly about people so often.

A nice thing is, whenever Korrin's not in class, Kristyn sits in her seat beside me and we usually talk a bit. She's amusing and surprisingly not too difficult to talk to. It's nice talking to someone kinda new for once. I hope we keep talking. English still sucks, but I haven't had any homework in it this week which is awesome... although we've spent the past 3 classes watching a movie and I've only been awake for the past half hour of it... oops. I'm just gonna stick it out with English... it's the last time I'll have to take it and then life will be peachy. Not actually, but... I don't know.

I've just been really sad lately. Today it got a bit out of hand. I'm hoping this is just one of my "sad" months. Which means next month will be a "happy" month. I'm not even sure if my life follows that formula anymore... maybe not. I guess I'm feeling really hopeless... I don't really want to put into words the gravity of this because then I'll just feel more pathetic. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm gonna go find my cats now.

No no no no no, I don't want school tomorroww. I have illustration in the morning which... I don't know. I'm supposed to be gathering supplies for that right now and oh my god I just know this project's going to look like shit. Merrrrrrrrp. Also, my english class, just ugh. I hate it. I'm surrounded by half naked females who squeal about not being able to text and walk at the same time. Nobody talks to me (is there even anyone in that class that I would want to talk to?) and I get really sad and start thinking there's something horribly wrong with me for not making friends and then all these horrible thoughts come along and I can't work well and then it's the end of the day and I refuse to go home so I go hang out alone downtown which I can't tell if that's even any better but fuck this run on sentence and wah, wah, wah complaining about my first world problems... ugh.

I'm feeling kind of forgotten, and alone. Always alone, though. My uncle's visiting this weekend and neither him nor my mom bothered to see what I've been doing all day, or if I've even been awake. I slept in till 2 and have been reading since, and now it's 6pm and my mom finally just asked me when I'm going to clean... I just feel like they don't want me around. There used to be a time when my mom would wake me up around 10 when my uncle was over and we'd all eat breakfast together and then maybe do something later. There also used to be a time when I didn't feel so cut off from humanity. Hopefully next weekend will be a better one.

Today, the 3rd day, was quite awesome. I had figure drawing all morning, but sadly we didn't have a model so the teacher talked for a while and we drew the skeleton model. I'm glad it worked out that way, because as boring as drawing the same skeleton over and over again gets, it was a great warm up after going an entire summer without drawing a figure. Plus it's good to know where bones are and stuff. Therefore it was a very nice morning, not thinking of a single other thing in the world other than my drawings.

Lunch was pretty great. Today I was wearing an outfit I wasn't sure looked okay, but then my frickin awesome boyfriend ambushed me with compliments in the stairwell I sat in with Michelle. Instant self esteem boost. I got a few other compliments, too. I hadn't felt that accepting of my appearance in a long time.

My sociology class was okay. I spent it drawing more while a documentary about murderers was on. I actually quite like the drawing and the class was interesting enough and went by fast. English made me kind of sad, which it's done every day so far, just because I have no friends and am surrounded by dumb bitches, plus the stuff we're learning seems completely pointless. It was over soon enough though, so then I wandered to the library, got a fantasy book by an author that a friend recommended to me, as well as some coffee.

After that I went and sat in a tree at a nearby park and drew for 3 hours. It was fucking awesome. Most people didn't notice me in the tree, though I could see them perfectly. The weather was nice, my drawings turned out half decent, I had some good conversation with two people via texting, listened to my music and enjoyed the view. It was a really good afternoon. I knew if I had gone home I would've just layed in my bed, felt miserable, ate a lot of bad food, possibly cried, and then have taken a 3 hour nap which would have made me feel even worse later when I would be unable to fall asleep at a decent hour. PROBLEM SOLVING, YAY.

I also acquired melatonin and it (sort of?) has been helping me get to sleep earlier. Last night I fell asleep around 10:45 and tonight I'll aim for 10. So, yeah... that's my day. I'm content.

Today was my first day of grade 12 and it was actually pretty decent. School didn't start till 9:30, so I wasn't rushed this morning and took a city bus, getting to school around 9. I met up with Korrin and Justin and was disappointed to see them go to the store to get high. I awkwardly stood around with them, then we went and met up with Nick, who I felt sorry for cause Alyssia was pestering him and he's new to Beal and, yeah. So the 4 of us went inside and showed Nick where his first period class was, and then Alyssia showed up again, so Korrin and Justin went to tell her to leave him alone and I showed him where his afternoon classes were. We're not really that good of friends or anything, but I'm glad he's there because he's at least a familiar face that I wouldn't be afraid to say hi to in the halls, which is comforting.

Another good thing is, he's on my school bus and so is Linda! (I think?) And possibly Michelle and Lauren are too, which would pretty much be the greatest bus ride ever. I haven't actually taken the school bus yet so I suppose I'll find out tomorrow morning.

I have art all morning and the art program's gotten a bit crazy. There's way more students than last year, plus obviously grade 12 is much more demanding. I think things might get a little competitive, but I'm excited to see what I can accomplish! I have a better understanding of the studios now, so I can focus more on what I'm making, rather than worry so much about how to make it. Plus, it's a great way to start off the morning. It goes by faster and I'm not rundown from my academic classes. And, of course, Michelle's in my class :)

After lunch I have Challenge and Change in Society and it seems like it'll be a great class. Korrin sits beside me which would be awesome enough, but to top it off, Jake's awesome best friend Matt sits in front of me and a girl I'm somewhat acquainted with sits beside him! It's gonna be fun as hell, plus I'm finallyyy in a sociology class.

Last period I have English. I don't know anyone and I'm almost certain it's going to be the exact same as last year. So it sucks, but I'll manage. My teacher seems really nice, so I'm sure I can get away from group work and presentations once again. At least it's at the end of the day and I can look forward to going home.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic and motivated. I stayed away from the store at lunch today and I plan on keeping up with that. I really hope I can pull through and things continue to go this well. The only thing is, I've already run into Colin twice... that sucks. But I'm gonna try not to let it get to me. Yep, okay bye.