Snapping out of it soon, I swear.
:)

Oh golly.
Already I've changed my mind. I should probably learn to stop being so wishy-washy.
So, I wrote this note to the kid who sits beside me in one of my classes.
Dear Sir, I am dissatisfied by your lack of personal hygiene. I highly suggest you correct this problem, as the aroma you produce is nauseating. Thank you for your time. From: anonymous.
Yeah...
In my defense, he does smell AWFUL. My eyes water at the stench. I'm just lookin' out for him, y'know?

Anyway, I had an exceptionally wonderful day. It was 85% perfect, honestly. I haven't had a day that swell in... gee, I don't know. Less than a month, but more than a week, which can feel like ages. So, I'm a bit worried now. Tomorrow must be good, I'm sure. Commencing the Shakespeare unit in English, Science that makes sense, a lunch that... well, I won't explain... French that makes sense, and Phys Ed that I like. I thought I was even doing pretty good with the sport we're playing now... you straight up disagreed to an upsetting extent, but hey, I'll get over it.

I'm always getting over everything, aren't I? I'm always apologizing when I shouldn't feel sorry, and I'm always letting things slide. I can't even properly despise the most foul being I've ever met. How is this?

Also, tomorrow I'm finally hanging out with my bffl again. :) Thursday will be good too, and Friday... eep. I don't know. I have high hopes. Upcoming events, don't let me down.

I hate that I'm blogging again, but...

"So many people treat you like you're a kid so you might as well act like one and throw your television out of the hotel window."

“Yeah, obviously we use vampires as a metaphor for something else, something deeper than just the supernatural. But there's just something about the bloodsucking walking dead, that can say so much to people. There are really so many people trying to get control over you on a daily basis and steal your soul in some way, take a part of you...”

----

Ack. You can only be let down so many times. There aren't actually any clean slates, you know? Every cycle has to be interrupted sooner or later.

I don't think I'll be posting for a bit. We'll see.
Try not to drown in your tears. I guess. Bye, or whatever.

I can't stand this state of permanence. I need change, and I need it soon.
I'm sick of patterns and repeats and ordinary things.

Pick up your own pieces for once.
GetmeoutofthiscavernorI'llcavein.

try pacing to keep awake, laying around, no school today. it's late afternoon as you walk through the rooms of a house that is quiet, except for unanswered telephones. stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do. but you would settle for anything that would make your brain slow down or stop. break this circle of thoughts you chase, before they catch back up with you. you said, "i'm done feeling like a skeleton. no more sleep walking dead."
you're going to wake from this coma. you're going to crawl from this bed you have made. and stop counting on that camera that hangs round your neck, because it won't ever remember what you choose to forget. as you try to find some source of light, try to name one thing you like, you used to have such a longer list, and light you never had to look for. but now it's so easy-- it's so easy to second guess everything you do, until all you want is all you want is to finish this half empty glass before the ice all melts away. this feeling always used to pass, but seems like it's every day. it seems like it's every night now.

bright eyes, I don't know.
I've been meaning to write something better lately. I've been meaning to do a lot of things lately.

ButIlackiniativeandwillgrowuptobeahoarderandthenI'lldieatage22afteramountainofcluttercrashesdownandkillsme.
I've also been watching Hoarders lately.

Anyway. :)

I went back to that place. Down there.
Things are looking up a whole lot.

I don't want to be optimistic, but I'm really relying on this. I don't want to be pessimistic, but what if it comes crashing?

I am no fan of uncertainty.

Anyway, it's a busy week. Bye now.

I don't even curr none, I'm just gonna jump right into it. Explanations are irrelevant now.

A lot has actually happened. No, it hasn't been one of those weeks where everything feels different, but nothing actually changed. NOT LIKE THAT.
Eesh, this is awkward. I'm no fan of specifics, but I have to say something.
Sometimes, things happen. Big things.
They happen once, twice, and sometimes every week. Quality, not quantity, if you will.
Sometimes when things happen, they trigger other things.
Many more sudden changes. A domino effect, if you will.
Sometimes you slip back into bad habits. Sometimes you slip into new habits. Sometimes you find yourself in the most unexpected places.
Sometimes, this unexpected place is... a little eery, if you will. I hate the whole sometimes / if you will pattern I have going, but I don't hate it enough to change it.
Anywho, EERY. Sometimes eery in a way that could remind someone of being some form of an experiment.
Oh god, my stomach feels sick.
It's like living in a cage. They watch you, and they take notes, and you're never really alone.
THEY GOT THEIR EYES ON YOU, and they'll admit it too.
Even those few things of relief only lead to more... more... I can't find the word.
Feelin' really sick, feelin' really sick.
Everything is blurred. You're running away, but not from your problems. You're running to them, all sealed up in a cage, with the door widely welcoming you in, only to slam behind you.

Please don't get lost. ):

There.

down and out.

Wake up much too early. Dare yourself to get out of bed. Put on a face that isn't yours. Go to school. Small talk, idle chit chat. Go to your favourite class ever, only to spin webs. Suffer through another class; all alone in a room full of people. Hang out with people who would rather be someplace else. Be the antisocial kid that no one even wants to look at. Goof off and have fun, only to see people are still hating you. Almost gone. In sight and out of mind. Curl up on your favourite rug. Cry until your eyes are swollen, and you can't breathe. Attempt to rid yourself of all it's faults and toxins only to fail once more. Hide away from your family and lie to your friends. Stare at your homework, but don't dare to write a word. Lay awake until the wee hours of the following day. Allow yourself to sleep, for maybe just an hour or two. Wake up and repeat. Today, do it all in an itchy sweater. Tomorrow, top it off with shoes two sizes too small and six inches too high. Continue. Thanks, and have a nice life.

... :)

Disappointment, in large quantities.
Donotwant ):

Getoveritgetoveritgetoveritgetoverit. What happens when it's something you can't get over?
Gah. Not good, not good, not good.

Everything must go.

bipolar, with a mental sidearm.

Hello.
When was the last time I posted? Saturday, I think.
So, Monday was the best day of my 2010 so far.
Basically, I walked to civilization, met up with Jenny, Emily, Matt and Korrin... we hung out at a fun little place for a bit, and then Vicky, Mike and Fuckface came too. :)
I can't even begin to explain why it was so amazing. You had to be there. It was just good. On a scale of 1 to 10, probably a 12. ^__^
Uh, Tuesday... the school part was pretty bad. But it got better.
Things are always getting better, right?

*sigh*
I have this friend. I don't even know what's up with her. She lies, and lies, and lies. But somehow, it seems people still fall for it. Why do we all stick around? You're so caught up in these lies, I wouldn't be surprised if you started to believe them. I wonder what her deal is. Does she just really hate the world, or what? It's confusing.
NFSDKJNFKJRNFJKREJKR. And then this other friend...
I can't even say it. I can't find words. I just don't like it. ):
And... I miss being best buds. And, I hate conflict. I... gah.
Bye.

I'm so nauseous right now.

Gah. So I had a chat with my wonderful friend Vicky. She helped me sort some things out. I'm not going to get into it, but that girl inspires me like no other. I'm really lucky to have her. :3
But anyway, I pondered some thoughts, and came to a bit of a conclusion.
Then, I listened to the song New Perspective...
I remembered another day when I was listening to it. It was a really horrible day. Everything was going wrong, and I remember that sinking feeling, and my lack of control on the situation. It was so much like everything had come crashing down, and I was hanging on by a thread (I remember who that thread was too) and it was... bad. I don't think I've ever felt as scared and alone as I did that day.

Anyway, listening to it today, I realized the contrast between the two days.
I'm okay, you know? I have the "tools" to be okay. Things are only as horrid as I let them be.
So, I think I need to just keep reminding myself a few things...
But I won't post them here. :3

I can't remember where I intended to go with this, but...

Surprise!

I've got you figured out.
I know what you crave so badly. I know your guilty pleasure.
Sorrow. You're a sorrow seeker.
You want a reason to cry, or to feel pain. You can barely get by long amounts of time without it. It's like an addiction. You would never dare own up to it, but I see it inside of you.
What's the matter? Friends don't say the perfect words? Mom's hugs aren't quite what you wish for? Didn't quite ace that test?

"You're always looking for something, but you would settle for anything that would make your brain slow down or stop."

"Sunrise, sunset. Swiftly go the days.
You're lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
But everybody knows it’s all about the things that get stuck inside of your head.
When was the last time you looked in the mirror? Cause you have changed.
Sunrise, sunset.
You are hopeful and then you regret. The circle never breaks.
You’re manic or you’re depressed. Will you ever feel okay? For a sunrise or sunset, your lover is an actress. Did you really think she’d stay?
You’re either coming or you just left, but you’re always on the way.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
From a cradle to a casket,
There's no way to escape.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play. But everything you do is leading to the point where you just won’t know what to do. And at that moment you may laugh, but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you. So it’s true, the trick is complete. Become everything you said that you never would be."

And you're a fool.