I wrote the english assignment, and I'm actually so proud of it. We had to write this messy description thing that rambled into something really personal, and try to write it like Holden's from the catcher in the rye. I actually managed to open up without lying or twisting the story around. It doesn't get crazy personal, but I think I did pretty good for what she was asking for. I even kinda captured the writing style and, gah. I can't wait to hand it in and get my mark! I keep rereading it :3

ENGLISH TEACHER,
Are you trying to make me frowny face? I don't want to write about loss.

well, yes I do, BUT I WONT BE HAPPY ABOUT IT

Gah, so much to be happy about.
Drinking, lavish with my favourite people, wandering downtown at 3am, curling up in kristin's bed, no school tomorrow, hopefully missing another day of school this week, seeing mat, emily's party next weekend, mandarin, YEAH (:

no idea why I feel the need to blog about this, but...

Today when my mama picked me up, she was a bit upset. Her kids were both out on dates tonight while she was sitting at home, her birthday weekend, with her pets, because her poopface of a boyfriend has been on his man period again lately. She was telling me "I'm just that lady who spends time with her animals" to which I told her "It's okay mom, I plan on being alone with a tooon of cats when I'm older"

I guess this surprised her. She told me not to think that way because I'm still young with plenty of time to date nice boys who pay for my movie tickets and do other nice things. I said yes, I'm young with plenty of time to date, but in the end I'll eventually just be with my cats. I've never told my mom that I thought about stuff like that; growing up to be alone. When I open up to my mom about things, I know it's true to what I'm really feeling. I don't lie to her about things like that. This made me realize that my mom was probably thinking "When did she lose so much hope?", so then I asked myself that same question. It's weird. I guess I just haven't had very many examples of true, lasting love in my life. My mom was married, then separated. She never re-married. She's been engaged a couple of times and her past boyfriends have moved in with us before, but that's never worked out either. Most of them ended up leaving after doing pretty horrid things. My mom's current boyfriend she's been on and off with for 11 years, with other boyfriends during the longer "off"s. When they're together, they seem perfect. They've been good friends since high school. He's one of the closest things I've ever had to a father and he watched me grow up. For a little while, I thought they were maybe even soulmates. I don't even believe in soulmates, but they just seem so wonderful for each other.

Until he gets in his moods. I don't even know. He's a bit of a hermit, I guess. He gets extremely cynical and upset with the world, and when he gets like this, he takes it out on everyone around him, including my poor mother. I just don't get him, he's so controlled by his negative emotions and truly cruel and unfair at times. This is why their engagements have never pulled through, they've never stayed together for longer than 2 or 3 years, they break up sometimes multiple times a month, and once even didn't talk to each other for 3 years. It's just not right. I can't see my mom truly being happy with anyone but him, but I also can't see them ever getting married. It sucks for my mom, because she deserves a happily ever after.

Another thing that bothers me is when they get back together he expects Taylor and I to act like they were never apart. Like he never hurt our mother. He calls us his family, but he doesn't know what family really is. Family is my brother and I feeling our mother's pain, even if it has nothing to do with us. He wouldn't understand that. After him and my mom were apart for 3 years and he came back during grade 10, I treated him completely differently. I very rarely hug him now and I certainly don't plan on telling him I love him again. I will never refer to him as a father figure again, because if that's what he's supposed to be, he's a lousy one. He still treats me like he did when I was 4 and thought he was practically a superhero. Doesn't he realize things aren't the same?

I mean, I don't hate him. He's a really cool guy when he's happy.

But if there's one thing I've learned lately it's that no matter how wonderful the high is, it's not worth it if the lows are more consistent.

So yeah, I have lost hope in love, as far as relationships go. I don't plan on ever falling in love, but it'll probably happen anyway; however, I still plan on it failing. This doesn't mean I'll go out of my way to make it fail and that I can't be happy with someone for a long period of time, but I just don't expect it to ever last. That whole 50th anniversary thing will never happen. I've grown to be okay with this, as long as I have a couple of friends and some affectionate cats.

I disgust myself.
I came home super excited for the weekend, tried on the outfit I was planning on wearing to lavish, liked it a fair bit then continued about, being all happy and excited. And maybe, for once, not quite feeling like the ugliest thing on earth. My mood was probably an 8.5/10 on the happy scale which is pretty darn high, especially for me.
Then I tried to take pictures of said outfit to show Korrin to get her opinion on whether or not it actually looks good. I spent about an hour trying to take just one good picture but every single one was like a slap across the face. I realized I absolutely hate myself and am in fact the ugliest thing on earth, then almost cried. I probably sound like a 10 year old. But yeah, I guess I'm not wearing that outfit to lavish after all.
Now my mood feels like a 4/10 and I can't even look at myself. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I've never seen anyone uglier. I have a date with a really awesome guy tomorrow, and he's texting me about it, being all sweet and awesome but all I can think is "I don't even want to go now, he's going to take one look at me and puke because I'm too ugly and no where near good enough".

I'm going to take a nap now, before I start crying like a baby.

/deleted

Holy mother of poo, all I do is push people away.
Right when I start to get comfortable around someone I just slam the doors shut right in their face.
I'm just really questioning what the point is lately. I think just about everyone I know tends to just get sick of me and run off once they find someone cooler.
I guess I just ain't that cool.
/whuteva, forever alone

Today was actually a really good day :3
I woke up on time, wasn't sprinting out the door to catch my bus, Brandon fixed my necklace and got trolled by my brother and alyssia. It was pretty funny though x)
Art, I talked things over with Korrin. I... think she's over it? I don't know. She was pretty encouraging though, so that's good.
English, I wrote a really personal journal entry that I had to hand in. I guess it felt good to get it all on paper, but I'm pretty anxious about it at the same time. Also, we started reading Catcher in the Rye. I don't mind it so far.
History was fun, as always. And science is always a delight.
Then I hung out with some friends. I think the more fun parts were when I was hanging out with my bffl. I love him, we always have so much fun together. c: Seeing two friends I hadn't seen in a while was cool too, but kind of awkward. Time tends to do that, I suppose. It wasn't too bad though. (:

Yeah, semester two is kind of awesome.

Blaaah.
Today the guy I like asked me out. I was pretty happy about it at first, now everything's dragging it down.
I'm just looking forward to hopefully getting to know him better. I don't want an actual relationship quite yet, so I'm hoping we can keep things light like that. I like him, but obviously I'm scared.
I'm scared to have another break up. I'm scared he'll lie to me. I'm scared he'll grow bored with me and move on to some new girl lickity split. Sound familiar?
It really doesn't help that my close friend since 3rd grade liked him. She told me she was over him, but I guess not seeing as she was crying about it today. and I know they were just kidding, but yesterday when she was crying about him liking me some friends said "Fuck you, this is all your fault!" and some other stuff along the lines of that.
Just because you're kidding doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
The last thing in the world I want to do is upset a friend. It's not like I'm trying to. I didn't think he would ever like me, I never even flirted with him or anything. I thought I was going to stay away from guys for a while. I was worried from the start about Korrin and I liking the same person. I knew it wouldn't go well if things happened with him for either of us.
Obviously all I want to do is help Korrin and make her happy, but there's literally nothing I can do. She knows I'm here for her with whatever, but let's be real here, the last person you want comforting from is the person who's more or less seeing who you wanted.
It's friggin' shitty. I hope she gets past this soon.
Today I was with Mat pretty much all day, having 3 classes together and all, and honestly I was so standoffish towards him at times. I'm surprised he believes I like him. I just didn't want to make Korrin uncomfortable.
And then guuuuh. Emily of course tells me, you better not be all coupley. Fuck. Obviously I don't want to be sickening and sucking face all the time, but I really don't like feeling obligated to act a certain way around people.
It was like that with Jared. So many people told us we better not be coupley. This one time, we met up with some friends at the park and we were just holding hands and a certain friend complained, said ew, and that she was gonna barf. That fucking bugged me. We were only holding hands. I never even kissed him in front of them. Not once throughout the entire 8 months, yet heaven forbid just once I should hold his hand. Not to mention, a certain friend used to ONLY suck face with her boyfriend in grade 8 whenever I was around. She would come over to my house, use my phone, and talk to him for hours just saying back and forth that they loved each other and pretty much ignored me. To make matters worse, I had liked that boyfriend before he started dating her and she knew it. If I had to put up with it, shouldn't I be entitled to a little more than acting like strictly friends?
Honestly, it was uncomfortable not being at least a little bit coupley with Jared. We were entirely different people when others were around and I hated it. I just wanted to be myself with him and be happy, regardless of who's around. I didn't like feeling like our relationship should be some dark secret.

I don't want to make the same mistakes this time. A good friend would think it's cute and be happy for us, would they not? Not tell us we're disgusting. It's not like we'd be anywhere even half as bad as said friend was a couple of years ago. So just, nkjdnfjkd stop telling me what to do.

But of course Korrin's sadness makes this all a bit of a different story. gah.

I just want to be happy about all of this.

Bah, I feel bad. You've been so there for me for the past two months in particular and I can't stand to see you upset and know that it's partially my fault and there's absolutely nothing I can do to help.

I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy D: Gah.

Holy mother of timing.

Sooo, within the past 7 days, 5 guys have confessed to liking me.
.................................
what even.
One's 20 and desperate, another is 19 and desperate, another is 19 and has felt this way for a while but I get the feeling he gets around, another is 15 and just kind of strange, and the final is 15 and by golly I've liked him for the past little while too.

The awkward thing is, I was almost beginning to like one of the first four. I don't know. Not a lot, but, yeah. Now if something happens with mr numero 5, it'll look like I was leading him on. I really don't want him to think that, he's a cool guy and a good friend. Merp. Oh well, he'll bounce back.

but kgjnfdgkjfnd. Everything I posted last night is still completely relevant. I'm still sad inside and a tiny bit messed up, so I don't see anything too interesting happening just yet. But it sure made my day a bit brighter c:

okaybyeblogger

I don't know why I'm so upset about all this now. I don't know why I'm not over this. Everyone expects me to be over this, I expect me to be over this, why aren't I over this?

I just read something and like nfkjdngkjdf you were talking as though you actually cared about me. How can you possibly claim to have cared about me when you just sat there and lied to me for an hour that night? You didn't care about me, you just cared about getting me out of your way to be with her. That's sure how it looks, so why should I believe it was anything other than that? Fuck. I just don't get it. I just thought you cared. Did you know you were the first person to ever make me cry in a public place? That was one thing I thought I'd never allow myself to do. Did you know you were the first person to ever see me cry, other than my mom?

I keep thinking, if I had just opened up to you... There was all this stuff that I should have told you, but I didn't. I didn't want to be a burden. I thought opening up would push you away, but maybe it was the lacking of it that pushed you away. I just hate this. I don't know how to open up to anyone. I've never told anyone everything. Not my mom, not any former best friends, not my bffl, not my brother, no one. I just don't know how and it's making me feel so fucking lonely. I wish I had known that maybe it bothered you that I didn't open up to you. I wish I could have spent my friday night with you, cuddled up in your bed like we used to, but this time I could actually tell you things and you could ask me questions and we could fill in the blanks together and be all happy and blahblahblah. But that didn't happen, nor will it ever.

I don't know how to open up to people. The other night someone asked me if I ever felt lonely. I laughed and told them of course, half of my friends hate me. I LAUGHED. I did it cause I felt uncomfortable and I knew they meant with regards to Jared. They specified and I tried to turn the conversation in another direction. I just couldn't tell her how I really felt. I couldn't tell her how many nights I spend crying. I couldn't describe that horrible, sickening feeling I get in my stomach during class when my head's on my desk, everyone's talking amongst themselves and I have my earphones in. I couldn't say the real reason why I take 4 hours naps every day after school. I couldn't explain any of the sick thoughts that frequently ran through my mind. Just like I couldn't tell him why I didn't see the Mandy he was raving about. Like I couldn't tell him my real reasoning behind just about anything. It just didn't work.

For this, I know I'll never fit in. I'll never strengthen my friendships or be in a truly successful relationship. I've been this way for years, there's really no changing. I'm just going to make peace with the happiness I do find and look forward to an apartment filled with cats when I'm older. It's okay.

The room is actually spinning right now. I haven't felt this low in a few weeks.

Today wasn't really a better day, I just wore a more impressive fake smile.

You wouldn't put a heavy object on a cracked glass tray, would you?

No, because the glass would shatter and the object would fall with it. It works the same with humans, you know. If you can't help yourself, you won't be necessarily be able to help others to the best of your ability. People need to realize that it's okay to put yourself first every now and then. It's not selfish, don't feel guilty.

Tomorrow is going to have to be a better day.

What's up lately:

Korrin's party was a ton of fun. A good majority of the people were either drunk or high, and we blared la roux and some good metal. Emily, Alexander, Mat and I were dancing for the longest time. It was hilarious! Eventually I went into typical drunk Mandy mode and went around hugging everyone, telling them I loved them, and kissing them on the cheek. That's one of my favourite things about being drunk, by the way. On the inside, I absolutely love everyone but on the outside I'm sarcastic and often joke around about being a huge jerk. When I'm drunk, the inside comes out, and I can embrace my affection. It's not awkward or anything I'll regret either, which is good. It's just all happy and whatnot :) I guess I also like to pretend I'm a cat, but I do that when I'm sober too, so whatever.

Then today, fkjsdnfkdjf. :3 I've had two certain individuals texting me literally all day. From 10am till 10pm. I think one fell asleep, and the other... blah. I told him I couldn't talk anymore because I needed to focus on my art. It was a load of hooey, but he was just being too sweet. I don't want to get attached. But gah, I sure felt special today.

On another note, I've been wanting to post about this for a few weeks now:
My brother is so awesome. I love him.
We used to fight allllllll the time growing up, with words AND actions, but ever since my maturity level caught up, our friendship is getting better all the time.
Once I started going to STA, it really became clear what an awesome brother he is. The very first day of school, he introduced me to literally every friend he had there and made it clear to them he thinks I'm awesome, even if I was too shy to utter more than a "hi, I'm mandy". Later that month, I told him I didn't want to go to redfeather because I didn't have any friends going. He practically begged me to go and told him I'd regret missing my first redfeather game. I cried about it on my way to the bus stop, but then he brought me along with him and his friends to the game. They all let me hang around them the entire time. I was really shy though, and I can't say I enjoyed it too much, but it was still so sweet of him to try. As the year carried on, I got a bit less shy and Taylor continued to encourage me to hang out with him and his friends. I didn't too often, but when I did, he was as awesome as ever. Then, more recently, when Jared dumped me, he was the best brother I could've asked for. He hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder, gave me his own pieces of insight and experience, brought me to a concert with him and his friends, frequently checked on me, etc. When things got a bit ugly with Jared and he wouldn't talk to me, Taylor talked to him. He was levelheaded and unbiased, hearing Jared out before he properly judged. And when he heard the full story and realized what a fuckhead Jared was, he called him out. He defended me like no other, even though it meant completely ruining his own good friendship with Jared, and risking a few others. He put me first.

It really put the whole "family first" thing I'd heard all my life in to perspective.

Even after that, because we have mutual friends, he found out that I got drunk at Alia's and about all the stuff that happened there. He asked me about it, and we had a good long conversation about it. He told me about his own experiences, and I reminisced about the party. He was cool with not telling mom about it, because we both know she wouldn't approve, and has stuck to his word since. For the past two months or so, we've been talking pretty much every day for anywhere between 10 minutes and 2 hours after school. He's just so easygoing about everything, and just likes to make sure I'm not making any huge mistakes. He's protective, but not overly. He's just how a brother should be.

And for all of this, I love him. I can't wait to see how our friendship is 20 years from now. I want to keep hanging out with him, and maybe him and his friends from time to time. I trust him completely and I don't want or see that changing any time, ever. I know we're going to be great friends in the future, as we are now. However, our friendship will probably have grown even more. It's so nice knowing that I've got one thing for certain to look forward to in my future.

I want to really try and be the best sister I can be. C:
His birthday's coming up and I want to buy him a nice present and card, filled with words that actually have meaning. I want him to see how much I really appreciate everything, that I love him, and that he's an awesome dude. I want him to be happy, is all. (:

Anyway, that concludes my lengthy post. This week, I'm looking forward to seeing how things play out. Gah, the one thing I love about Mondays is that they always feel like a fresh start. Dreary and exhausting at times, but also, it's a brand new week. And actually, a brand new month right now, too. Everything just seems so filled with opportunity and I don't want to be too tired to see that, so, goodnight!

Things that make Mandy happy in no order:

• KITTIES
  
• friends
• la roux
• sierra kusterbeck
• when people text me
• peeing after drinking a lot of wine
• korrin's bed
• other persons beds in general
  
• cuddling
• kissing people on the cheek
• a book that's easy to get into
• being drunk and giggly
• hugs
• nice blankets
• crazy eights
  
• good movies
• horror movies in theatres
• moshing
• we came as romans
• a day to remember
• good shows
• tea
• meeting people for coffee
• picnics
• the beach
• complimenting people
• :3 faces
• kitty paws
• when people pretend to be cats- i.e. nuzzling, purring, meowing
• smiling
• when everyone's listening to what i have to say
• new people
• those perfectly warm but breezy days
• nice grass
• guitar class
• painting
• art
• when people laugh at something i said
• when people open up to me
• being of use
• good conversation with mama or taylor
• talking to taylor's friends
• when my hands are soft
• soft hair
  

okay, I think that'll do it :3