"What really helped was having mandy there being her funny self (:"

Aha, so i was reading something from last summer. someone else wrote that, of course, but it made me smile. It also made me kinda sad, because things aren't really like that anymore. But anyway, dearly beloved blogger, I think i'm gonna take this time to really reflect on my year.

soo, high school started out shitty. probably because I just came from an awful summer. it didn't make the machine run smoothly, y'know? cause there was a big, fat wrench stuck in the cog. even after i called in technical support, it was still a bumpy ride. I kinda lsot myself. Or changed. also, don't mind all the spelling/grammar errors. substance first, right? i learned that in engrish. also, are you diggin this font? i'm gonna change up my layout too. anyway, back to THE SUBSTANCE.

so, i met some people, and i drifted from some people. i blame myself though. friendship requires iniative. i was too wrapped up in my own world to notice this. badbadbad. now the year's over. i know the ropes of high school and stuff, so next year will be a bit better, because at least i won't have to adjust much. not sayin i'll make friends in grade 10, but whatever. i'm not there yet. there's still this summer.

yeah, this summer. the optimist in me thinks it'll be good. i'll get over my insecurities, strengthen friendships, and meet a few people. the pessimist in me thinks i don't have what it takes to do any of those. but i'm a realist, so i guess that puts me somehwere in between.

tomorrow, there's this big event going on. pride prom. it's a colourful shindig, particularly for homosexuals. I'm going with some friends from the GSA at my school, and I think it'll be really fun. hopefully, it'll make me a little less self conscious, and i can have fun. having fun is good, but i think i kinda forgot how to do it. not really FORGOT, but... i don't feel like explaining. anyway, it'll also be good seeing friends, because that should lead to more future hangouts. i've been needing a night of fun, this'll be good :)

thursday>states>newclothes>satisfactionguaranteed!
friday>sawmovies>lackofsleepguaranteed!
saturday>korrin'sparty>socializationmustbedone>endingverdictnotcertain

anyway, regarding the first sentence of this, normally, i'd be sad. but, cheesy as it is, at my grade 8 grad someone's quote was "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". so i'm going to do just that.

See? Improvement. Well no, not yet. But this entry's been a bit of an attitude adjustment. Now I'm off to slooowly get ready for my brother's grad. I don't particularly enjoy ceremonies, but I'm not under it. I might post more reflective entries later, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing at all, really. (: It's good.

And I just want to get mugged at knifepoint, to get cut enough to wake me up.

Actually, Taking Back Sunday woke me up.
TAKINGBACKSUNDAYTAKINGBACKSUNDAYTAKINGBACKSUNDAYFDKSNSDKJF
:D only my favourite band for four years. The very portal I stumbled through into the world of good music, and out of the world of Avril Lavigne. Ohh, I love them.

I got a busy week coming up :3
Monday consists of a GSA party, and shopping with two lovelies. Tuesday is my brother's/Jared's/Kristin's grad. They grow up so fast :') Wednesday is Pride Prom. Fuckyeahhseaking. Thursday I venture to Michigan, and will hopefully be back on time for Canada Day festivities. Friday, I'm doing nothing, but that's opt to change.

Oh summer, I love you dearly.

:D

FINALLY.
Summer :3

Ewewewewewew, you make me so nauseous. ):
My face is all red, and my stomach is doing barrel rolls.
Nehblehblehfdksnfdkjnfdjk )':
I feel gross, like I'd just love to slice myself open and toy with my inards. Rearrange my organs to rearrange the nausea.

This is going to be the longest week of my 2010.

here, here and here.

Happy Father's Day.
how's the weather there, Daddy?

Hmm. So, I'm tired as hell, but I had a good day. My mom's boyfriend and his parents came over. They reminisced about memories of me when I was four years old and had a Brooklyn accent. It was kind of weird. I think that's what it feels like, though. Family. I'm not complaining about my family though. We wake up early, we go to school/work, I come home sometimes, and sometimes so does my brother. And my mother too. Sometimes we sit at the table and eat dinner together. And sometimes we don't. My mother isn't home a lot, but neither I am. And neither is my brother. You might think we're distant, but I think we're okay. We communicate and get along, and I love them, and they love me. See? It's okay. I like how my family works. It's just not traditional, you know?

But it was a whole new thing, having people over that were comparable to grandparents. My grandmother died before my nearly flawless memory kicked in, and same with my grandfather. I never knew the other set. I like grandparents.

They told me a story about their grandson. He's seven, and he lives in a crappy part of town. Last year for his sixth birthday, he had a big party ready. Cake, presents, balloons, the whole shabang. But not even one of the kids he invited showed up. I swear I almost cried when I heard that. I can't imagine how painful that would be for a six year old. Hell, that'd be painful for any age. But for a six year old? He's so young and everything is so crucial in forming his life. He's unique, but entirely wonderful, I think. This year for his birthday party, he went around and knocked on everyone's door telling them not to bring a present and to just please show up. He was so terrified to do this, and they did all show up, and they stayed till 12:30 at night. That's really great for a seven year old. He loved it. But, those kids don't seem to be real friends. Just kids looking for fun. Sad, huh?

Actually, I'm kind of sad right now. Wait no, I'm not. I am, but I'm chosing to ignore it, because that makes things better.

Outoutout. ):

Needs more fucking change.

...but hey. I'm okay.

"It's all in your head."
"So is everything."

I wish it were Friday. I just want to sleep through Wednesday and Thursday. I don't want to write a unit test, a lab exam, do review I don't understand, sit through some celebration, pretend to be interested in life.

I think I misplaced Mandy.

NEEDS MOAR WEEKEND

andwaymoarsammyandlesssumfinelse. ):

I feel like I swallowed a brick.

...I'll post something more thorough sometime soonish.

wintergirls.

Why? You want to know why?
Step into a tanning booth and fry yourself for two or three days. After your skin bubbles and peels off, roll in coarse salt, then pull on long underwear woven from spun glass and razor wire. Over that goes your regular clothes, as long as they are tight.
Smoke gunpowder and go to school to jump through hoops, sit up and beg, and roll over on command. Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all "a disappointment." Puke and starve and cut and drink because you need an anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it's too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can't stop.
Look in a mirror and find a ghost. Hear every heartbeat scream that everysinglething is wrong with you.
"Why?" is the wrong question.
Ask "Why not?"

Dare me, dare me

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