Umhi. I realize I haven't blogged in a bit.
I also came to realize that you're usually the only person that reads this. :D
Anyway, I haven't blogged in a bit because I've just been in awe of your last post. It's kind of like... PCD, but more like PBD. The B stands for blog. Derp.
So this entry calls for nothing special. Just honesty and stuff. Boring. You might not even want to read this. It's fine by me.
So my week... it's been almost a full week... has been completely eventful, yet completely uneventful.
It's like nothing interesting has happened, yet things have just... changed.
Here, let's re-cap. Thursday, you're aware of. Friday, I hung out with Jared, then Korrin and Emily, then Rachel. I also saw a nun. Saturday I failed, then stayed up till 5am. Dork. Sunday I slept lots :D Wait, no I didn't sleep lots. But I helped a friend? Maybe just a bit. Monday was fine, just fine. I think. No, I don't even remember Monday. OHWAIT. I remember Monday. Monday was good. Tuesday was off uniform... why am I even bothering going into detail about this?
Uhh... Matt and Matt left TBS... John and Shaun are back...
I'm not doing very well with this. I'll try posting something better on Saturday. Or Friday night. I'm not sure. We'll see. My apologies.
Bye now.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Hello!
I'll just jump right into it.
Monday-Wednesday: NIGHTMARE. I had my hopes incredibly high for Tuesday, only to have them beaten down. Wednesday was aftermath of Tuesday. There were just so many little things that kept building up, and ruining me. Even guitar on Tuesday didn't brighten things up too much, which it normally does.
But today...
Today was a different story.
First off, I didn't burn more holes through my favourite blanket of all time. I was also miraculously having a decent hair day. I caught the bus with little trouble. At school, Emily and Vicky were there. It's nice having everyone there. English, I got my poem analysis back. I got an 80something. I don't actually know what exactly it was, because my teacher's handwriting is VERY difficult to decipher. Science went just fine. I actually spoke to someone. It's little things like that that brighten my day. Lunch was amazing. I can't even describe it. The contrast of how I spent my lunches the previous two days, and how today was... wow. It was amazing. French flew by for once, because I had a test. Two tests, actually. I failed the first one. I... think?... I passed the second one. I hope so. I actually studied for it! Phys Ed was fine. Whatever. No big deal, but somehow still a lot better than sitting in a classroom prying my eyes open. :) So then I went and got changed then was in the hallway of all that is glorious and... EEEPFSDNFJSDNKJD, Sam and Asia were there. :D I never really realize how much I miss her until we hang out and have a wonderful time. She's so wonderful, eeep. :D Asia seems pretty cool too. When I got home, I realized that... I think I might have finally actually helped a friend. It's really difficult to do, but I think... well, I don't want to jynx it. Just... things are going really well. (y)
I've also got a great weekend ahead.
Goodbye. :)
I'll just jump right into it.
Monday-Wednesday: NIGHTMARE. I had my hopes incredibly high for Tuesday, only to have them beaten down. Wednesday was aftermath of Tuesday. There were just so many little things that kept building up, and ruining me. Even guitar on Tuesday didn't brighten things up too much, which it normally does.
But today...
Today was a different story.
First off, I didn't burn more holes through my favourite blanket of all time. I was also miraculously having a decent hair day. I caught the bus with little trouble. At school, Emily and Vicky were there. It's nice having everyone there. English, I got my poem analysis back. I got an 80something. I don't actually know what exactly it was, because my teacher's handwriting is VERY difficult to decipher. Science went just fine. I actually spoke to someone. It's little things like that that brighten my day. Lunch was amazing. I can't even describe it. The contrast of how I spent my lunches the previous two days, and how today was... wow. It was amazing. French flew by for once, because I had a test. Two tests, actually. I failed the first one. I... think?... I passed the second one. I hope so. I actually studied for it! Phys Ed was fine. Whatever. No big deal, but somehow still a lot better than sitting in a classroom prying my eyes open. :) So then I went and got changed then was in the hallway of all that is glorious and... EEEPFSDNFJSDNKJD, Sam and Asia were there. :D I never really realize how much I miss her until we hang out and have a wonderful time. She's so wonderful, eeep. :D Asia seems pretty cool too. When I got home, I realized that... I think I might have finally actually helped a friend. It's really difficult to do, but I think... well, I don't want to jynx it. Just... things are going really well. (y)
I've also got a great weekend ahead.
Goodbye. :)
Monday, March 22, 2010
post number 101.
Seeing my last post was the hundredth, it probably should've been something special. But nope.
This post isn't very special either. I'm just venting, you might not want to read this.
You're finally home. It's been less than a week, but honestly, it's been tearing me apart. I'm so glad you're back, and I'm determined for this to be okay. We don't want you leaving. Ever.
I'm sure of this. I can't possibly deny this. How can you? You've got talent, kid. I'll try to be subtle too, so you'll never even notice. It's for the best, enough said.
How well do I even know you? I feel like there's a thousand things you've never told me, and never will. I guess I'll just accept this. After all, I don't need to know everything about a person to be a friend, right? Right?
Sure. I don't know. This suffices, for me. Bye.
This post isn't very special either. I'm just venting, you might not want to read this.
You're finally home. It's been less than a week, but honestly, it's been tearing me apart. I'm so glad you're back, and I'm determined for this to be okay. We don't want you leaving. Ever.
I'm sure of this. I can't possibly deny this. How can you? You've got talent, kid. I'll try to be subtle too, so you'll never even notice. It's for the best, enough said.
How well do I even know you? I feel like there's a thousand things you've never told me, and never will. I guess I'll just accept this. After all, I don't need to know everything about a person to be a friend, right? Right?
Sure. I don't know. This suffices, for me. Bye.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Hey.
I'm feeling okay, how about you? :)
Mind you I'm still dreading tomorrow with every ounce of my being, and am fully prepared for a day that will make my list of top 10 worst days in my first fifteen years. That's okay though, it happens. I can't remember the last time I experienced ten consecutive days of all around glory. Surely I can put up with one day of misery. At least I have Tuesday to... somewhat, look forward to. Wednesday and Thursday will be done with eventually, then there'll be the wonderful Friday. Easy peasy, I can do this.
Hello optimism? I don't really remember where I was going with this.
'Night.
I'm feeling okay, how about you? :)
Mind you I'm still dreading tomorrow with every ounce of my being, and am fully prepared for a day that will make my list of top 10 worst days in my first fifteen years. That's okay though, it happens. I can't remember the last time I experienced ten consecutive days of all around glory. Surely I can put up with one day of misery. At least I have Tuesday to... somewhat, look forward to. Wednesday and Thursday will be done with eventually, then there'll be the wonderful Friday. Easy peasy, I can do this.
Hello optimism? I don't really remember where I was going with this.
'Night.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
ready, aim, misfire
I'm supposed to be getting ready, but I just really need to get this out.
You REALLY know how to make a person feel horrible. Wrong. Completely useless. The list goes on.
See, I know of a certain person who's been making my friend feel like shit, because the person just really doesn't stop to think about what they're saying. It's just plain rude, and my poor friend... well, they're not taking it all that well. I don't understand why you would even say something like that to someone. Especially to someone who you claim means a lot to you. You sure have a funny way of showing it. What if my friend just doesn't want to be your burden to bear anymore? Yeah, wouldn't you have fun with that.
It ISN'T okay.
Maybe you're the one that's overrated.
You REALLY know how to make a person feel horrible. Wrong. Completely useless. The list goes on.
See, I know of a certain person who's been making my friend feel like shit, because the person just really doesn't stop to think about what they're saying. It's just plain rude, and my poor friend... well, they're not taking it all that well. I don't understand why you would even say something like that to someone. Especially to someone who you claim means a lot to you. You sure have a funny way of showing it. What if my friend just doesn't want to be your burden to bear anymore? Yeah, wouldn't you have fun with that.
It ISN'T okay.
Maybe you're the one that's overrated.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
i bet you're not very pretty on the inside.
So, regarding the last post, some wishes actually came true. Some got worse. Here's the verdict.
1) The conversation I want with anyone won't ever happen. 2) I'm hanging out with Nicole on Saturday. (: 3) In progress (; 4) It got worse, times two. 5) It's okay, I'll get over it. 6) Hey there, lovely dentist. (: 7) She got over it. (: 8) Won't happen. 9) I've been so excessively overtired lately.
That's aside from the point.
*sigh* I'm really not so great lately. But if you ask me this, I'll most definitely deny it. Does lying through my teeth count as flossing? (:
I'm giving up, just a bit. This is good though. I'm caring much less about myself and focusing on others. I kind of have to, don't I? If I'm not there for them, who will be? I've committed myself. I won't let down these people either. That's a thing of the past.
So, tomorrow. :/ English calls for a party. I have no friends in English. Guess who's going to sit in the corner reading "Cannibal Killers" with her headphones on? Yeah, hey. Science, we're starting a new unit. Is it lame that I'm excited? Oh well. French, should be easy. Phys Ed, should be fine.
Today I had an English test, a Science test, a French presentation in front of the class, and a Phys Ed test. Chaotic, but I survived. After school I'm hanging out with the one and only Jesus Christ. Quite anxious, but that's alright.
Breathing, breathing, breathing. Goodnight.
1) The conversation I want with anyone won't ever happen. 2) I'm hanging out with Nicole on Saturday. (: 3) In progress (; 4) It got worse, times two. 5) It's okay, I'll get over it. 6) Hey there, lovely dentist. (: 7) She got over it. (: 8) Won't happen. 9) I've been so excessively overtired lately.
That's aside from the point.
*sigh* I'm really not so great lately. But if you ask me this, I'll most definitely deny it. Does lying through my teeth count as flossing? (:
I'm giving up, just a bit. This is good though. I'm caring much less about myself and focusing on others. I kind of have to, don't I? If I'm not there for them, who will be? I've committed myself. I won't let down these people either. That's a thing of the past.
So, tomorrow. :/ English calls for a party. I have no friends in English. Guess who's going to sit in the corner reading "Cannibal Killers" with her headphones on? Yeah, hey. Science, we're starting a new unit. Is it lame that I'm excited? Oh well. French, should be easy. Phys Ed, should be fine.
Today I had an English test, a Science test, a French presentation in front of the class, and a Phys Ed test. Chaotic, but I survived. After school I'm hanging out with the one and only Jesus Christ. Quite anxious, but that's alright.
Breathing, breathing, breathing. Goodnight.
Monday, March 8, 2010
forever a lake effect kid
Hey. You know what I would love right now?
A conversation with Sam.
I'd also love to hang out with Nicole soon, because she's wonderful. Then... well, the next thing is a secret.
I'd love for my friend to just be okay.
I'd love for uniforms to not be so uncomfortable.
I'd love to not taste vomit in my mouth right now? Yuck, I don't even know.
I'd love for my friend to not be such a straight-up bitch.
I'd love some sweet revenge.
I'd love to be tired right now.
Oh well. I'm sure march break will bring some of this.
So, today (Emily if you're reading this, I'm suggest you skip this paragraph. You'll probably just be annoyed.) in English, I had to analize a poem. Actually, I'm still working on it. But anyway, I got really in to writing it. I think it just may be one of the greatest things I've ever written. Once it's finished, I might post it here. I probably won't though. Although I think I'll post it on facebook and tag some people, for some input. Maybe. We'll see how confident I am. And actually, I think I'll wait until my teacher marks it so then I can truly see whether it's a work of art or crap. I don't really know. Then in Science, still in writing mode, I wrote an analysis of... well, of myself. It's strange and kind of personal. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to post it here. Maybe I will... I'm not sure. Unfortunately, I'm missing English tomorrow so I won't be able to write more of my analysis.
Oh, and regarding my previous post; things went well. I didn't cancel yesterday and I'm sure glad I didn't. It was truly wonderful hanging out with Sam and Alexander. :) Today, I also didn't cancel anything. I hung out with Jared and Emily. Again, I'm glad I did. Real glad. But no more social lifeness for Mandy until Friday. I need to focus on schoolwork. Also, my mama says I'm never home anymore. I should probably, y'know... be home a bit more...
Ack. Life. Sleep. Bye.
A conversation with Sam.
I'd also love to hang out with Nicole soon, because she's wonderful. Then... well, the next thing is a secret.
I'd love for my friend to just be okay.
I'd love for uniforms to not be so uncomfortable.
I'd love to not taste vomit in my mouth right now? Yuck, I don't even know.
I'd love for my friend to not be such a straight-up bitch.
I'd love some sweet revenge.
I'd love to be tired right now.
Oh well. I'm sure march break will bring some of this.
So, today (Emily if you're reading this, I'm suggest you skip this paragraph. You'll probably just be annoyed.) in English, I had to analize a poem. Actually, I'm still working on it. But anyway, I got really in to writing it. I think it just may be one of the greatest things I've ever written. Once it's finished, I might post it here. I probably won't though. Although I think I'll post it on facebook and tag some people, for some input. Maybe. We'll see how confident I am. And actually, I think I'll wait until my teacher marks it so then I can truly see whether it's a work of art or crap. I don't really know. Then in Science, still in writing mode, I wrote an analysis of... well, of myself. It's strange and kind of personal. I'm still deciding whether or not I want to post it here. Maybe I will... I'm not sure. Unfortunately, I'm missing English tomorrow so I won't be able to write more of my analysis.
Oh, and regarding my previous post; things went well. I didn't cancel yesterday and I'm sure glad I didn't. It was truly wonderful hanging out with Sam and Alexander. :) Today, I also didn't cancel anything. I hung out with Jared and Emily. Again, I'm glad I did. Real glad. But no more social lifeness for Mandy until Friday. I need to focus on schoolwork. Also, my mama says I'm never home anymore. I should probably, y'know... be home a bit more...
Ack. Life. Sleep. Bye.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
judgement day.
Ofreakinghi.
I am so stressed right now, for the most ridiculous reasons, so I'm going to tell you about these and you're just going to be okay with this, alright.
So, I feel like I've completely overcommitted myself.
I'm supposed to be out of here in about half an hour to hang out with some friends and take some cool photos, which is fine, but I hope I'm not there too late because I just don't want to be out late. I have all this schoolwork to do. My science teacher is constantly reminding us that next week is going to be a CRAZY week.
I have a french routine to write, a french prayer to memorize, a big french unit test coming soon, a big science unit test coming soon, a science project due Tuesday, a poem to analize, and a life on top of that. Tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with people, and I have no clue where or when or for how long, hopefully not too long, because I have all of the above to do. Oh plus, I have a whopping eight dollars right now, so if any of my future social life involves spending money I swear I'll shoot someone. Also, I'm supposed to hang out with someone on Monday. I really want to cancel tomorrow, but I won't, because I already cancelled twice and I'm not a bad friend, and as long as I manage my time, I'll be okay. I'll probably cancel Monday, despite having cancelled last Thursday but I don't even care right now. I swear, if anyone asks me to hang out during the upcoming week, I'm going to just lose it.
I HAVE A BUSY WEEK. EVERYONE GTFO.
But don't actually. I want to talk to people while I'm doing my school work. x)
Next thing is, I'm so afraid of letting people down. It seems like that's all I'm doing lately. Refer to last night's post about fear.
Ugh, then there's this one person, who I really don't want to let down, but then there's that stupid Fear, plus all this stress, and I'm just really failing lately.
UGGGGGGH.
I want tea and I want to read, and I don't want all this constant noise.
But NO. I'm hanging out with friends tonight. Mandytime can suck it. It's not necessary.
Notgoingtoletpeopledownnotgoingtoletpeopledown.
I have to finish getting ready. Bye.
P.S. I'm fully aware of the run-on sentences and 42 billion other grammar errors. I don't care.
I am so stressed right now, for the most ridiculous reasons, so I'm going to tell you about these and you're just going to be okay with this, alright.
So, I feel like I've completely overcommitted myself.
I'm supposed to be out of here in about half an hour to hang out with some friends and take some cool photos, which is fine, but I hope I'm not there too late because I just don't want to be out late. I have all this schoolwork to do. My science teacher is constantly reminding us that next week is going to be a CRAZY week.
I have a french routine to write, a french prayer to memorize, a big french unit test coming soon, a big science unit test coming soon, a science project due Tuesday, a poem to analize, and a life on top of that. Tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with people, and I have no clue where or when or for how long, hopefully not too long, because I have all of the above to do. Oh plus, I have a whopping eight dollars right now, so if any of my future social life involves spending money I swear I'll shoot someone. Also, I'm supposed to hang out with someone on Monday. I really want to cancel tomorrow, but I won't, because I already cancelled twice and I'm not a bad friend, and as long as I manage my time, I'll be okay. I'll probably cancel Monday, despite having cancelled last Thursday but I don't even care right now. I swear, if anyone asks me to hang out during the upcoming week, I'm going to just lose it.
I HAVE A BUSY WEEK. EVERYONE GTFO.
But don't actually. I want to talk to people while I'm doing my school work. x)
Next thing is, I'm so afraid of letting people down. It seems like that's all I'm doing lately. Refer to last night's post about fear.
Ugh, then there's this one person, who I really don't want to let down, but then there's that stupid Fear, plus all this stress, and I'm just really failing lately.
UGGGGGGH.
I want tea and I want to read, and I don't want all this constant noise.
But NO. I'm hanging out with friends tonight. Mandytime can suck it. It's not necessary.
Notgoingtoletpeopledownnotgoingtoletpeopledown.
I have to finish getting ready. Bye.
P.S. I'm fully aware of the run-on sentences and 42 billion other grammar errors. I don't care.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hi.
Alright... so... I don't remember the last time I blogged. I've just been sick and lame lately. I've been thinking too much, as usual.
I'll start with last night. Last night, I found out some really sickening things. And guess what? I was angry. I haven't been angry in months, I think. I swear I'm only truly ever angry a couple times a year. I always shove it away and replace it with sorrow or disappointment, or I just find some way to quickly rid myself of it. Not really bottling it up, y'know? But seeing as how I was acting last night, maybe I have been bottling it up. I was enraged. Fuming. I did some stupid things too. Oh well. You know what else I'm realizing? I barely recognize my mistakes anymore. I learn from them, or accept them as flaws I can't get rid of, and that's that. Alright, back to anger. So, when people are angry it scares me. I'll do whatever I can to a) make them settle down or b) get away. It's one of the few things I have trouble accepting, which is ridiculous because it's just a completely human thing to be feeling. It can't be helped anymore than happiness. It's so strange.
Let's talk fear now. I don't even know what to do with this. It's horrific. There's just a few things from the past that cling to me. I can't ever quite shake them from me. They're like scars. Actually, they are scars. I don't even know what to do. I've tried to get over it so many times. I've tried acceptance, denial, leaving it behind... everything. Now the opportunity for something so wonderful finally occurs, and more than half of me is just screaming NO, out of fear. I don't want to be haunted anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to take a few chances and live. Why can't I let this happen? It's like I'm lacking some form of a conclusion. I dislike this, so very much.
Alright, here's some stupid blogging. So, today was just fine. In English, I was once again struck with the realization that I have hardly any friends in my grade. WHATEVER. Not important. I'm friends with better people for me, in older grades. It's okay, it's okay. I analyzed a really wonderful poem about death of a lost one. Did I mention I love English class? I love English class. Next came Science. I struggled, and then learned. I understand it now. Fantastic! Period 3 and most of 4th, I was at a GSA meeting. I love GSA. However, I don't like the fact that I had so much to say but completely held back. Maybe one day I'll speak my mind. If not, it doesn't really matter. I quite like the element of mystery. I went to French for 45ish minutes and didn't get much work done, but it's okay, I prefer to have it for homework. Phys Ed was kind of fun, although everyone was really immature. Oh well. Then I hung out downtown with Emily. We made a big boo-boo, but I think it's being resolved. Learning, learning, learning. We then watched Alice In Wonderland. It doesn't nearly measure up to the original, in my opinion. I don't think I really ever want to see it again. Not a big deal, though. My late night consisted of intense conversations. You honestly can't even imagine. :)
So let's re-cap today: I succeeded in all of my classes, learned more about the lovely members of GSA, learned more about where the line is, delved deep with an ever so close friend of mine, reached out to another friend, and found out that another friend is truly happy for the time being. :) It's been a great day. Honestly.
I have more to say, but I'm not really feeling it. Oh, I got an hour and a half of sleep last night. Woops. I guess it's time for such. Goodnight.
Alright... so... I don't remember the last time I blogged. I've just been sick and lame lately. I've been thinking too much, as usual.
I'll start with last night. Last night, I found out some really sickening things. And guess what? I was angry. I haven't been angry in months, I think. I swear I'm only truly ever angry a couple times a year. I always shove it away and replace it with sorrow or disappointment, or I just find some way to quickly rid myself of it. Not really bottling it up, y'know? But seeing as how I was acting last night, maybe I have been bottling it up. I was enraged. Fuming. I did some stupid things too. Oh well. You know what else I'm realizing? I barely recognize my mistakes anymore. I learn from them, or accept them as flaws I can't get rid of, and that's that. Alright, back to anger. So, when people are angry it scares me. I'll do whatever I can to a) make them settle down or b) get away. It's one of the few things I have trouble accepting, which is ridiculous because it's just a completely human thing to be feeling. It can't be helped anymore than happiness. It's so strange.
Let's talk fear now. I don't even know what to do with this. It's horrific. There's just a few things from the past that cling to me. I can't ever quite shake them from me. They're like scars. Actually, they are scars. I don't even know what to do. I've tried to get over it so many times. I've tried acceptance, denial, leaving it behind... everything. Now the opportunity for something so wonderful finally occurs, and more than half of me is just screaming NO, out of fear. I don't want to be haunted anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to take a few chances and live. Why can't I let this happen? It's like I'm lacking some form of a conclusion. I dislike this, so very much.
Alright, here's some stupid blogging. So, today was just fine. In English, I was once again struck with the realization that I have hardly any friends in my grade. WHATEVER. Not important. I'm friends with better people for me, in older grades. It's okay, it's okay. I analyzed a really wonderful poem about death of a lost one. Did I mention I love English class? I love English class. Next came Science. I struggled, and then learned. I understand it now. Fantastic! Period 3 and most of 4th, I was at a GSA meeting. I love GSA. However, I don't like the fact that I had so much to say but completely held back. Maybe one day I'll speak my mind. If not, it doesn't really matter. I quite like the element of mystery. I went to French for 45ish minutes and didn't get much work done, but it's okay, I prefer to have it for homework. Phys Ed was kind of fun, although everyone was really immature. Oh well. Then I hung out downtown with Emily. We made a big boo-boo, but I think it's being resolved. Learning, learning, learning. We then watched Alice In Wonderland. It doesn't nearly measure up to the original, in my opinion. I don't think I really ever want to see it again. Not a big deal, though. My late night consisted of intense conversations. You honestly can't even imagine. :)
So let's re-cap today: I succeeded in all of my classes, learned more about the lovely members of GSA, learned more about where the line is, delved deep with an ever so close friend of mine, reached out to another friend, and found out that another friend is truly happy for the time being. :) It's been a great day. Honestly.
I have more to say, but I'm not really feeling it. Oh, I got an hour and a half of sleep last night. Woops. I guess it's time for such. Goodnight.
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