Day 6: Five People Who Mean A Lot
1) Alexander
2) Emily
HAY GUISE.

3) Mommydearest
4) Jared
5) Umm... awkward.

In regards to number 5, I'm not saying other people don't mean a lot to me. I just... there's no one else as significant as those 4. No one else should really be put into a category with those 4 people, as, well... they're different. Important to me, yes, but, different.

Woooooooawkwardness.

/dysfunctional

I've already talked about this to my friend, but I need to post about it here too.
So this morning, it was around 6:30/7 and I was getting ready for my friend to come over at 7:30. Yes, am. Yes, we're freaks. But that's beside the point.
My mom came downstairs and woke up my brother, asking for a really important book back. Apparently, she gave it to him at the airport and he lost it there.
He then denied ever having the book.
My mom denied that. They both made claims. I stood in the washroom, trying to not listen, and put on my eyeliner, like the good little sc3n3 g1rl I am.
But they kept getting louder. Quickly.
And then they were screaming at each other.
Mama was convinced he lost it, and he continued to deny it.
So she went upstairs, and then he really lost his temper.
And... it was awful.
He yelled really mean things.
His voice could've knocked down walls, I swear.
I don't know why I'm spacing this entry out so much, I'll stop.
I can't even remember the last time I heard rage quite like that. So Mama came down and took away his keyboard, and was telling him how disrespectful he was. At this point, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, eyeliner in hand still, not crying, but certainly wishing for a dark hole. He was sooo mad at her, I was terrified. Especially after having decided that anger is my greatest fear, a few days ago.
I guess they sorted it out eventually, but... still. Ugh. Now I wonder why anger upsets me so much. It seems like everyone handles it just fine, and then there's me...
I think, my father was an angry character. I'm pretty sure mama's told me that before. I sound so olden day when I say mama. Anyway, yeah. I think he kicked holes in walls. I think he did a lot of things. I wonder if that's where Taylor gets his occasional temper from. I hope I didn't inherit it. I avoid anger at all costs.
It's weird, knowing that there's a good chance that the person who created you could've been a "bad person". It makes me feel like I have another personality inside of me who is a horrid person and wants so badly to not give two shits, and let go of everything, because I don't actually need it. Crappy, isn't it?

But majority of me just wants to believe the stories aren't true, or at least, are really biased. I want to love this stranger, and have endless amounts of respect for him.

I always want a father.

Woooooooo, that little post took a turn.

On the topic of parents, what I've also come to realize is that telling your parent something is one of the most difficult things there is for a lot of kids/teens.
There's something on my mind, and I really feel like I should talk to my mother about it before it gets out hand, but I'm just so damn scared. What's she going to do? Judge me? Be disappointed? HATEME?

But that's ridiculous. She doesn't hate me for the million things I've broken, for getting crappy grades occasionally, for failing to fold laundry on time, for doing bad things, or for just being an all around not-so-ideal daughter.

Why should this be any different? She should be proud of me, for taking responsibility. It's not like I haven't done worse.

Parents love us, don't they? They have that unconditional love thing.

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The End.

Also, I can't believe I posted all that. I might delete it later. I don't know. I feel so uncomfortable opening up. I think I'm going to sew my lips shut. Bye.

Day 5: Six Things You Wish You Had Never Done
1) Take out my third earrings. Repiercing sucks.
2) Listen to a word of your nonsense.
3) Drift.
4) Stop drawing.
5) Fuck up my sleeping pattern during last school year.
6) Trust people.

In other news,
I'm a paranoid freak and I'm losing my mind.
Probably because I t0t3s have schizophrenia, and I can teleport and shape shift.

Day Four: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1) Memories
2) How awkward I am
3) Everything I wish to accomplish
4) This one time, when Taylor called Jared, Jared Badman, and then he yelled down the hall in one of his voices "GOT MEE".
5) Honesty, and stuff.
6) Flaws
7) Friends, and people :)

So, I made a tumblr. But I won't forget about you, blogger.

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrg.
GUESS WHAT, I WANT TO SCREAM STUFF.
I need a mountain.
Get me one for my birthday, it's on Friday.

Romeo's sitting to my left, he's so cute.

Day 3, shut up, it's a new day.
1) Talk to me.
2) Talk to me.
3) Talk to me.
4) Talk to me.
5) Talk to me.
6) Talk to me.
7) Talk to me.
8) Don't be a fucking baddie, i.e. ignorant, close-minded, just plain cruel, etc.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee, I need sleep

The stuff I posted last night doesn't even make sense to me now.
I do that a lot. Hmm.

10 Day Challenge
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself
1) I love my cat, a lot. He's sitting beside me to my left right now. And I know of someone who tattoo'd (cantspell) their cat's name to themself. I really respect that. Cat lovers, unite!
2) It seems like there is always something wrong with my big toe on my left foot. But really, only lately.
3) My favourite smell in the world is cold air, combined with clean laundry. Why isn't there a "cold air" candle? I'd be all over that.
4) I love change, so much.
5) I haven't fallen asleep before 11pm in at least 2 years, probably more like 3. No, I don't have insomnia.
6) I'm straight, but I'm frequently attracted to girls. More often than I am to boys. Shh.
7) I don't do what I want to do often enough.
8) I've probably spent at least 20% of my life having imaginary conversations. Not with an imaginary friend or anything, but as if my real friend is with me. I tell them my deepest darkest secrets, and what's really on my mind, and then I pretend to be them and answer myself. We have really good conversations. Good conversations are my favourite thing ever, but they're more often unreal than not.
9) I hate staying home at night. It just doesn't seem right. But I can also appreciate it. (:

That said, bye now. I'm sorry I'm boring.

Oh, I'm back.
I have so much on my mind. I was gonna blog about the thoughts I was having during the flight home, and about everything I did in NYC, but now... I don't feel like it. Not tonight. Also, my phone keeps vibrating but it's not near me and I don't want to move and I really hope it's not Alexander texting me, because I feel like talking to him, and I'd feel bad if it was his texts I'm ignoring. Lazy, I know.

I have so much on my mind right now.
Going to NYC was so needed. Just to get the fuck out of London, even if for only a few days. I needed a break. I need a longer one, actually. FuckyouLondon. But whatever. However, I don't like my brother. He talks too much, and he makes fun of me, and he complains a lot, and he yells, and he gets annoyed, and oh my god I hate it when he yells, and it upsets me. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time with him. And I'm glad to be alone, sitting in a corner, with my laptop, and alone.
There's so much going on right now, I can't function. I want to puke. But no.
Umm. I have so many thoughts, fuck.

UGH. I WANT TO SHUT DOWN THE SYSTEM.

I'll do this instead:
10 Day Challenge.
Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1) I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE.

2) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry every day.

3) I think you'll always be one of my favourite people, ever. Even in 30 years, when we're probably not in contact anymore.

4) I always want to talk to you.

5) You really fucked things over. Everything we have tends to suck a lot now. Good job. And the best part is, you don't even realize it. GOOD JOB.

6) You sicken me. You're one of the lowest lows. Your entire life is a fucking lie, what kind of human are you?

7) I aaam running OUT of words to saay to you.

8) Helpyhelpyhelpyhelpy. Pl0x.

9) )':

10) Sometimes, when I feel down, I picture just meeting you. It makes me smile.

Also, you know what I realized?
My biggest fear in the world: Anger.

Wooooooo.

186th post. Oh boy.

Oh yeah, you caught me. But I caught you way worse.
We drown traitors in shallow water.

I liek me some Fall Out Boy.

ALSO, FINALLY.
I'm leaving for NYC in 7 hours. Bye. :)

Today was an amazing day.

I hung out with Sam, just the two of us. We haven't done that since Winter, I don't think.

Well, no. First, I hung out at the library for 4 hours. I read almost every Alternative Press magazine they had. I like Alternative Press :3 I also watched livelavalive videos. All this time alone, but not isolated, was a really good thing.

Then, I met up with Sam and we sat in Starbucks, drinking our delicious, overpriced, caffeinated beverages. We had a really nice, kind of meaningful conversation about how fucked up society is steadily becoming. I haven't had a conversation like that in sooo long. It felt amazing. :D I think we were sitting in there for almost an hour and a half. Also, Starbucks has such a nice atmosphere.

Then, we went back to her house and sat in her room. There was A LOT of fire, which was fun and refreshing. Also, seeing all the art around her bedroom really inspired me. I want to get back into art, and hanging out with Sam sure makes it seem... more possible.

Also, we just talked, about stuff. About whatever. It was really nice, getting caught up with her, and hearing all her stories. It made me realize just how different her school is from mine. I'm so stoked, but anxious to go there. I hope it doesn't change me toooo much. But whatever, that's a ways off.

So, eventually I left her house and walked to mine. Walking home, I realized a lot of really personal stuff that I refuse to write about in this blog. Plus, I've already written about it elsewhere. :P Wuhbam.

Today was just soooooooo good. It's easily made top 10 of my favourite days this summer, maybe even top 5. Somehow, re-connecting with Sam a bit helped me to better connect with and understand myself. Self assurance is a beautiful thing.

:)

Also, old habits die hard. Don't go forgettin' that.

Bye nowww.

Also, I want to wake up and find that it's Tuesday.

Rant.

I'm so sick and disgusted with how fucked up society is.
Everyone is so ignorant and judgemental. I hate it, so much.
What gives you the right to point out every single little thing that you think is "wrong" about a person? And how can you say that without critiquing YOURSELF? We're all inevitably flawed human beings, so what do you think gives you the right to put others down? It's so entirely wrong!

We all live together on this planet. So open your eyes and try a different perspective.

But of course, the world will never come to this, and it pisses me off to no end.

): I'm gonna go play guitar.

I'm really content with life right now.

Alright, so I'm just gonna jump into it.

A little while ago, a so called "friend" of mine and others sent an email to one of my friends. In this email, she pretty much listed why she hates us all. Of all the rude, insensitive things...
One of her main reasons was that we all "lie to and disrespect our parents". Isn't that a joke? I worship my mother, she's my favourite person on earth. I'm so far from being a liar! I don't understand where she's getting this from. We're pretty decent kids, except for one, but whatever. Also, she says we're too in to bad things, like drugs and sex. Excuse me? Weeee're not the ones doinganalandsnortingcrack, cough. I'm so annoyed with this! Then she had the nerve to call me a snob. Who was the one who just sent a long email about why she's better than all of us, as if she's never made a mistake or done something wrong? She goes on about how disrespecting parents is wrong, well what about disrespecting FRIENDS? I'm shocked at how much of an insensitive hypocrite she really is. |:

Another rant, I went to a mall today with my friend, and we made a free hugs sign. And guess what? I was disgusted with how it went.
There were incredibly sleazy boys who confronted us and were... well, sleazy. It was awful. And then a group of guys made horrid remarks and quite frankly, I felt like shit. There were also some truly snobby girls. :/
But then there was this gay couple, and they were some of the sweetest people I've ever met. And actually, I think they were two of maybe five nice people we met throughout the day. It's awful.
My friend and I try to do something nice for total strangers, and they spit in our faces. (Figuratively speaking.) I tried this before at a different mall, and it went really well!

I don't know what it is with people.
We need more easy going, loving people on this earth. It's just plain disgusting how society is now. ):

But I'm not giving up, and am going back to the other mall on the weekend :)
...and never trying that again at that mall today. Yeah.

Anyway, brief rant over, I'm done blogging.
Bye.

Metal Now >:]

I wanna ROB you of your game face, so I can cower beneath your words.
Cause I'm a freak from the same place? Let suicide make a meal for birds.
Into your heart, I've got the dagger. The metaphor will suffice for now.

Get in my bed, I wanna kill you.
Show you mine if you show me how.

IGETANGRY, when you're around.
IGETNASTY, when you're around.

So, here I am. Will you deny me?
Metal now, but I've always been.

I want it now. I want the danger.
Give me strength and I'll give you wings.

(:

The one and only Brooklyn Bridge :)
Humdiddlydum, I'm so stoked to get away from London. Breaks from certain things are indeed, greatly anticipated.

And until then, this is gonna be a good week. >:]
That's not an evil smile, that's a determination smile, BYTHEWAY.

fskfsknfnjrfbye.

):
It's glorious outside.

I need a best friend.

Everything is gross.

that sneaky little devil ain't comin' clean.

nksjdnfjkng.
Postypostypost.
Ummm, I stretched my ears again. My birthday's in 19 days, wtf. Finally.
I'm going to NYC in less than two weeks...
I won't mention what's coming up shortly after my birthday, because that's gross.
I walked home through a dark park with lightning last night with two friends. I liked it. I'm hanging out with a new friend tonight. I guess this calls for more walking around at night. I like it. I'm learning some Nevershoutnever on guitar, and it's making me glad. I'm gonna... hang out with people. Yeah. Summer's almost over, and I'm gonna try to make the most of it, but don't mention this to me, otherwise I'll panic like I do when I write french exams. Today I'm just kinda hanging out with my brother, but then I'm hanging out with new friend. I hope I stay out late.
1, 2, 3, 4 (that's more than I can afford), 5.
It's mandytory.

I don't really know why I posted this, I just needed to waste 5 minutes. Bye.

I'm really sick of the chinese (or whatever language it is) spam comments.
As if my blog couldn't get any lower.
I'm not gonna post for a bit.

NSJKNSADFSK,JTRCXDKMV,CRXFMVRKSDNCXNASJDKJFNWSJFJKWERFRFWN
I hate you.

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I don't feeeeeel, ANYTHING. It's not working, it's not happening.

And that puts all these dumb little ideas in my brain and honestly I think I'll tear all my inards out of my right ear.
):
fjewijfdeklfklfkaklKJDALNKFDKNSklkfadmsfskfxlksxkDKNAKDMFADKMNkfnjsefnernjfvrjkrksrfvsdfskmdsdkdkjfcjdajndajadgkdjerkferriierjnnesijwenjfsjdoeshateyou

Alex Pardee posted this and it looks intriguing so I guess I'll read it and if I don't like it then I guess I'll do something else.

That's how life works, ain't it?

I think I'm done with writing letters. The remaining topics are too closely related, and, if it wasn't obvious, I really don't enjoy writing them anymore. That said, I guess I'll just... write. I kind of want to do what I did with an old blog; not being so damn open. But, I'm not going to do that tonight. Bye.

Day 26
Dear Last Person That I Did, Infact, Kiss,
Hi. fmsjdnfjkfnd. I suck at letters lately. We have a good thing. Yeah. You're a cool person, I'm glad I know you. I sometimes kinda wish we talked more. Not that we don't talk a lot. We talk all the time, every day. I don't know, I'm kind of thinking quality, not quantity. But, I'm not complaining. It's my fault anyway, I'm not open. Mind you, we have way better conversations than I have with tons of people. So, yeah. :) Cool, jfksndkjnfjke,. Letters suck.

Today I went to the beach. I didn't put sunscreen on my back, so now it's burnt. I had a really fun time though. :} Must go back soooon.

Also, I hung out with Rachel today. :D

Bye.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Also, you're not original, unique or attractive and you don't stand out in a crowd. You're far too full of yourself, and quite frankly, most people don't actually like you. I hope your own life suffocates you. So crawl back into the 6 foot ditch you dug, and I'll top the dirt off to keep you down. Free of charge, you're welcome :)

Ohboy, me again.
I'm in my kitchen making sandwiches (that's right), and waiting for the bread to thaw, so I figured I'd do the next day too.
Someone I wish to give a second chance to:
Dear You,
I'm gonna paste you up, cover you in wallpaper, screw shelves into you and call you a wall. Not actually.
I don't know. I know I've given you more than two chances. And the chances will just keep on comin'. This is what we call unconditional love.
That is all.

Also, my puppy is frolicking around the house right now.
Also, I'm having a picnic tomorrow with some friends. I'm excited :3 I'm preparing only the best of sandwiches, fully loaded with love.
Cute, isn't it?

I like summer. Bye now.

Day lost count.
Guess what, world? I judge EVERYONE by their first impressions. I'm not writing a letter for that.

I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't been thinking as much. I think I'm brain dead. Coooooooool. Hopefully I'll post something soon.

If I had it my way, I'd slit your throat with the knife that you left in my back.
You do this every fucking time. If you do this one more time, I'll bite your fucking fingers off.
Put that gun to your head. You're a fucking disgrace. Seconds from the end, what's it gonna be? Pull the trigger bitch. x__x

fjkfnwekjnfkjw I feel sick. ):