Crappycrappycrappycrappycrappycrappy.

I just want to round up everyone of even the slightest importance to me and form a super awesome group hug and inform them all that I love them. Just in case I never see them again.

So, yesterday morning a girl from STA named Jessie died, after battling cancer for over 5 years. I didn't know her, but I hung out with her brother a couple of times, and she was practically a sister to Mat. I skipped the afternoon yesterday with Korrin to be with him, which was depressing.

And then today, my grade 7 and 8 music teacher died. I can't believe it. He fell down some stairs and hit his head today... He was one of my favourite Northview teachers... actually, one of probably 3 that I actually liked. He let me play and then later buy my lime green clarinet... Seriously, that clarinet was pretty much reserved for me, no one else played it. I stayed in for so many lunches, and after school with two friends and him to practice for a quartet. And I was also in band, and just... ugh.

This doesn't make any sense.

Jason, Melanie, Jessie and Mr Web, all within not even 3 months.

RIP ♥

So, the party I went to on the weekend was the most fun party I've ever been to. I talked to a lot of people, hung out with a cat, won at crazy 8s, korrin bought like 10 cats, Emily slept face down in the middle of the kitchen and thought she pooped. And we had a riot screaming at everyone, the room divided down the center, about whether or not we like olives. It was all so hilarious. Yesterday I skipped and visited STA, surprising everyone. It was a fun afternoon and I made it back to beal on time to get a fair bit done in ceramics class. Today, however, was horrible... Right when everything was getting good too.

Handbells

I'm looking for the upsides to these panick attack nights. My laptop charger is broken so I have to blog with this iPod and it's exceedingly difficult. I put a bunch of gibberish as the title but autocorrect decided I meant handbells. I'll just leave it as that. I also don't have an enter key so this will just be a big ol' paragraph. Yeah. So last night I went to port Stanley with korrin, Emily and our friend Mandy who was visiting from north bay. We stayed at her grandparents adorable little cottage and ate more candy than 4 7 year olds on Halloween. Emily and Mandy watched pirates of the carribean, korrin read and I sketched, and of course we made faces at each other. Then we layed around talking about feelings like girls, reminiscing parties and eating more candy. It was really nice because the cottage hAd a wonderful atmosphere and I've been best friends with those girls since kindergarten and 3rd grade. Some of the things we talked about stirred up anxiety for myself, so it was kind of hard to fall asleep. I did though, and then the morning was good. I'm home for a bit now though, and things are resurfacing. My uncle from out of town is coming in a bit though, and then hopefully I'll be going to alia's, then to rebecca's party. Lala hopefully these things help and I'll feel better. I like seeing my uncle, he's basically the only extended family I have... I should probably marry Into an Italian family when I'm older, then I can experience those family picnics and giant weddings and big thanksgiving dinners and whatnot :p anyway, tomorrow's the cat show! I'm in for a busy weekend :) busy is good. Busy Mandy very rarely meets Anxious Mandy, so.. Hooray nd stuff :) noow, hopefully my iPod will manage to post all this.. For the record, I am so glad last night happened, Mandy (from north bay) is forever one of the sweetest people, and I hope there'll be more cute nights like last night some day soon.

My friends frequently tell me "Just talk to someone. They're just as shy as you are." and it makes me want to scream.
No, they're really not. I don't think you understand how beyond shy I am.
Questions as simple as "Can you pass me that paper?" make me anxious.
If I'm ever in someone's way, in even the slightest bit, my face starts burning, my heart starts racing and I just feel really afraid. I'm aware that it's irrational but I can't help it. It's just how I feel. School brings out this side of me.

I know you mean well, but please, don't try and tell me socializing is easy. It's not for me.

There's people in my classes who I'd like to say hi to, but I can't. The words don't form. I want to tear my hair out whenever I open my mouth to utter the word hello.

Another thing about STA- Today at Melanie's visitation STA's chaplain was there and Korrin and I were talking to her for at least a half hour. Two weeks ago, we were talking to her for an hour or more, about personal things.. and just genuinely talking. I didn't feel like I was being judged, or that I had to talk to her in that awkward way I talk to my friend's parents, I actually felt comfortable. That same day we also talked to our grade 10 religion teacher as well, and again, I genuinely talk to her and open up a bit.

I miss teachers like that. The ones at beal all seem oblivious. For example, today Korrin skipped 4th and 5th to hang out with me in my art class. We sat basically in the very front, clear in view of the teacher, as she called attendance and talked for 20 minutes about assignments. Not once did she say or really even notice that Korrin was sitting right there. Then she handed out project outlines, and gave one to Korrin... Seriously? She actually thought Korrin's in her class? She didn't find it strange at all that for the entire first month, she hasn't been there for a single class? Hellooo, water you doing.

You see? Oblivious. Students are looked at as numbers, not individuals.

Yet again, another wonderful life taken far too soon. Rest in peace, Melanie <3

I've only talked to her once or twice, but I've also heard only good things about her. It's scary how someone can be there one second and gone the next. I'm also reminded of Jason. Well actually, I'm reminded of him every morning when my bus passes by the place where his visitation was. But, yeah. It just doesn't make sense how young people, bursting with potential are taken so frequently. Both Jason and Melanie hardly had time to really see what life is like. They didn't get to pursue their dream career, get married, have kids, and all the other things in between. I only wish every human had the opportunity to experience their life lived to the fullest, the way they would favour it.

I'm starting to worry, who's next? It seems like everyone's dropping off the planet, one by one. I don't know how many funerals and visitations my group of friends can even handle. Now, being reminded yet again of how fragile life is, I want to reach out to my friends even more. I want to be closer with them, but I feel like everyone's getting further and further out of reach. Or if I offer a hand, they won't take it.

One good thing is I have been talking to someone that I drifted from a teensy bit more. Hopefully this will progress into a more regular friendship in time. I've missed them. I've missed being close with people in general. All my friends are off with their other friends, significant others and jobs and I feel lonely. I'm very greatful to have art class with Michelle though. Neither of us have really made friends in that class, so we have two periods of doing what we love and just talking to each other. It's good conversation, too. We talk about life, future careers, universities, current means of making money, wanting to travel, families and all that good stuff. I've gotten to know her a bit better and honestly she's just a great person to be around. She's inspiring or motivational, I guess. When I had history with Emily, Korrin and Mat, don't get me wrong, we had a blast, but we didn't do any work or have meaningful conversations. We talked about leading slacker lifestyles. Michelle and I talk about goals and stuff. It's good. I accomplish a lot more now and my assignments aren't so half-assed.

It's just really nice finally having someone to really talk to for a couple of hours. I haven't just sat and talked (while doing art too, but still) with someone in a painfully long time.

That said, death is a reminder that life is short. I don't have time to waste, slacking off. It's fun in short doses, but I like that I've been much more productive lately. Here's hoping we don't lose anyone else any time soon.

Also, I need to go back to writing regularly... this post is so jumbled and awkward...