Hello there.
It has to be said... 2010!
I pressed cap locks, even though there's no letters in 2010.


I'll tell you about the party I went to, because I don't want to forget it. :)

So, first things first, in the previous entry where I said how stoked I was... LIE. All day I had been an anxious mess on the inside. Then Marcus came to drive me there, and I was really freaking out. So what did I do? I kept thinking "easy peasy pumpkin pie, motherfucker". Gerard said that once... for some reason, I find it helpful. Kind of strange, but whatever. Anyway, I got there 10 minutes later than I thought because we had trouble finding the house, which I was glad. But then we found it, and I was a very scared little girl. He pulled into the driveway, and I just sat there and said "I don't want to go..."

THEN. A bunch of people came running outside to see who was there? That was my chance. I said bye and got out of the car, swarmed by my acquantainces, and some new faces. Hugs, too. So, I was introduced, and then we went upstairs. Awkward, but bearable. Then outside. Snowball fights and snowmen? It was fun. Then inside. Then Korrin came. My little saviour. I played the role of static cling for a while. The party branched off into clicks a bit, but I didn't mind. Too many people can make for unneeded chaos. Oh well. It was fun. At one point, I even ended up in the closet, lights off, with Korrin and two others? I think it was still pretty cool. 10 o'clock was when things pulled themselves together. The clicks all got together (except for the one I was with) and watched a sing a long movie. Cute. I chatted with Alyssia and Jamie, while Korrin worked out some issues. Oh, and I played Kerplunk too. It's not my forte. Then Korrin and Sky joined us, and slowly, so did everyone else, in the dungeonlike basement. We all sat around in a big jolly circle (with two exceptions) and just... were being epic, discussing 2009 and 2010. It was good. Then we counted down the seconds and, y'know. Yelled and jumped and hugged. Then we toasted (non-alcholic :]) and got a group photo. Then- my favourite part of the evening- I conversed with someone. They told me something that many people are constantly telling me the exact opposite of. We had a really good conversation, and he really enlightened me. I can't even quite fathom how... great it was? You wouldn't know. Also, I spoke to someone I'd never spoken to before. Then, I sat in a not so round circle, and talked a bit, but mostly just pondered what I'd just been told. I was also realizing how much I'd fail to pay much attention to a newer friend of mine. I feel pretty horrible about that. So then I went to go find Korrin and Sky. My evening ended hanging around in Veronika's room, and saying goodbye to people.

This entry will fail to mention how glad I really am that I attended. The content feeling I have about all of this is... well, it's a feeling. Words won't capture it, but I know I won't forget it.

Oh, and I have two resolutions? The first one, you'll never know. The second one, is to not feel like a failure if number one falls through. It's okay to fail. Both are going extremely well, so far.


That's enough for tonight. Goodnight. :)

I LOST THIS ENTRY THEN FOUND IT. YAY.

cute, isn't it?

The sound of money, the sound of pain; makes me start thinking I'm better off insane. She's so tired that she hardly speaks. You can tell she lost her one true love. So now we write each other back and forth just to find some meaning in the girl. These hurtful words, there hurtful names... I know that you planned out this way. I can't stop thinking that you broke my mind. Was it worth it now? With your hands in your pockets you're crying out, "I am nothing without this". You know you're just a kid, with nothing up ahead, except for years and year of tears and lies. You'll break your heart almost everytime.

Anyway, I'm going to a new years party tonight. I don't actually know the person who's house it's at. But I'm pretty stoked. Hooray for social opportunities? Soooooo stoked. Yep. Kbye.

Hi world. I don't know, I figured it'd been a while.
I did previously post details of my Christmas... then I took it down, just because I can. Basically, my holidays have consisted of hanging out with Emily, and talking to new friends. Basically. New Years is finally here, and I'm a bit of a mess. Did I mention it came back?

It came back.

Thank you, and good night.

you'll rebel to anything as long as it's not challenging.

I had an amazing Christmas. Details later.

---------------------------------------------
You don't mean it.
You need a uniform so you won't be ignored. You are affected and so you're accepted. It's time you invested in a bottle of poison so we don't have to hear about you bitching and moaning. You think you could afford a fuckin bottle of asprin? Boo fuckin hoo, you're not the only one whose life's a piece of shit, and yet miraculously somehow we all seem to deal with it. Did anybody think that you would really seriously slit your wrists? In fact, I think that everybody thinks you're seriously full of shit.
You don't mean it.
You think you're saying something relevant as you connect the dots. You never realized you have to get in line to suck a cock. You're telling me that fifty million screaming fans are never wrong? I'm telling you that fifty million screaming fans are fucking morons.
You don't mean it.
---------------------------------------------

(: Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror.

it's that time again.

Christmas is upon us once again.
This year, I must admit, I'm in a much better place. Not physically, of course. This time last year I was sitting in this same corner of my room, actually, writing to my livejournal. And now an entire year has gone by. It kind of feels like nothing has changed, and it hasn't been that long.
But that's so incorrect, it's laughable, isn't it? Laughable? I don't think that's a word.
2009 has had many changes. The loss of the 3 friends, and gaining more friends than I ever would have guessed. My family has two new additions, and thankfully, we haven't lost any this year. We're going through hard times right now, but we went through some of the best earlier on this year. I don't look the same anymore. I've grown up, learned things, and made a few mistakes along the way. I'm learning what people to accept and what people to... I don't want to say exclude... more like, stay away from. I'm learning more about people, and their personalities, and understanding them much better. I hate this; I'm so cheesy. But all of this is true.

2009, you've been painful. It can easily be said that you've been my most painful year yet. But, you sure aren't failing to shed a bit of light towards your ending. I have high hopes for 2010. :)

Tomorrow is Christmas. I'm pretty excited, and I've got a strong case of Christmas cheer upon me right now. Hope all is well for all of you (not that I'm too sure anyone reads this anymore) and you have a truley good day. ^______^

Bye for now.

hey moon,

please forget to fall down.

Lately,
I've been

talking

too much.
Like now. Goodbye.

the past mistakes that brought you here will break the fall for you, my dear.

Hi world who is not actually the world.
Yesterday I had another day that was so fail, it was win.
I hung out around the library and drank coffee and what not during the a.m., then I took THE NO-LONGER ON STRIKE AND TEMPORARILY FREE CITY BUSES to a mall with Sam, aka super rad nugget child. Fuck, I can't type today. Anyway, I bought my friend some shizz for christmas, then we wandered around and got a genius idea. Let's bus on over to Sam's epic friends' house! Huzzah! So we did. They weren't home, but it was lots of fun anyway. I don't feel like going into detail. Uhh. We watched The Nightmare Before Christmas? Lovely. I just lost my want to blog.

However, there's two pieces of mail upstairs with my name on them, and I've got an armful of presents to wrap. I'm loving the whole "Christmas holidays" thing. Bye.

I'm still not sleeping.

Hey there. My day has been bipolar. I'll fill you in.
So, first I woke up on time and everything. Got ready. Went to school. Drank coffee. Was social. Typical good morning. Geography consisted of The Santa Clause. In between Geography and Religion things got bad. Real bad. Really, really bad. Not gonna say what it was. So I was fighting back tears during the ten minutes of Religion. Then we had our Christmas assembly. I forced myself to make small talk. I wonder if it was obvious how not okay I was. Whatever. I sat down with some really amazing people, who I'm somehow luckily acquainted with. But that's when I couldn't keep it together anymore. I was shaking as bad as I always did in 8th grade. I cried. A lot. It was horrible. No one noticed though. Except for one thing. It was really nice how much she cared, so I decided to get my act together and tack on that fake smile of mine. I lied to her though. Not good. I lied to her and said I was fine. I wasn't.
The assembly ended, and I went back to class. I took deep breaths and watched our school's FNN. It was good. Really funny. Well done, school.
Then I went to lunch. Majority of my friends went to another friends' house. I was invited too, but I didn't feel like going, so I hung out with two friends. Then, as previously decided I said "Fuck it, I'm skipping" and well... skipped. During fourth lunch I hung out with Emily and a new friend. He's rad. I also hung around some other kids for a bit. Then fourth lunch ended and I'm all "OH NO I HAVE NO FRIENDS I FAIL" but then Mr Rad Friend Person said I could hang out with him. Yay for not being a loner for 45 minutes. So I hung out with him and a bunch of grade 12's who I don't really know. It was good. Then I went home with Emily, and Nicole came too. My crappy feelings returned, but instead I decided to write them on my arm instead of have a freak out. Yay.

Then we went to a concert. Things got bad. Really, really bad. I ran outside and cried for half an hour. Then I cried inside for another half hour. Then I realized how lucky I really am, and how spectacular my friends really are. I love them so much, you can't even imagine. I need to show my thanks! I said thanks... I guess all I can do is be amazing to them. I NEED SLEEP.

vfsmacedankdndrb.

Hello there.
CRAP, I JUST REALIZED WHAT TIME IT IS.
Oh well, what's another sleepless night? :D (Did I mention for the past 2 weeks I've only been getting 4 hours of sleep each night? For the past 2 weeks I've only been getting 4 hours of sleep each night. I am thankful for coffee.)
I've had a very busy week, so I'll just jump right in to it.

MONDAY ^^
Okay, Monday was my non-busy day. Although Monday was my incr- I already blogged about Monday.
TUESDAY.
Tuesday was off uniform. I enjoy off uniform. I enjoy freedom of appearance. Crap, I feel tired. It was also mass. Although I'm not one for religion, mass is always a good thing because it shortens all classes to 45 minutes. Rad. Then I went to see THE USED (also Three Days Grace + Default) concert. Berrrtttttt. Jephhh. Quin, Dan? :D Oh god, they were good. And bonus I got killed in the pit. Yay :D I love concerts beyond your belief.
WEDNESDAY.
Wednesday wasn't tooooo thrilling. Pretty typical day, but still okayish. Afterwards, I went to a Christmas banquet with Emily, Korrin and Ciara. It was really nice and classy. A truely lovely evening. :)
TODAY. Today was good. Geography, I got my test back. 51%. Nice. We watched The Grinch. Religion we watched a video about surviving high school. I feel lame for saying this, but it really touched my heart. Oh, and I caught up on sleep. Then came drama, which blah, there's this guy... he bothers me. He does things specifically to annoy me, but not out of hatred or anything. Nonetheless, it's annoying. I don't like drama very much, but oh well. Then math. We had a test. I'm not too confident. Afterwards I deuniformized and went to the GSA party. YAY. I got to know everyone in it a bit or a lot better. Afterwards, I walked into my semi-homeland with Emily, Korrin, Alyssia, Lauren and Kristin. GOOOOOOOOD TIMES. Hahaha. And major bonus, I even got to visit Sam :D

Upcoming.
Tomorrow I have 30 minutes of Geography, 30 minutes of Religion, and a wonderous Christmas assembly. Then I'm SUPPOSED to have 75 minutes of Drama and no Math, but I don't freaking care, I'm skipping drama. Yay :) Then, I'm going back to Emily's with Korrin and Nicole, then off to a concert. MORE MOSHING AND BRUISES FTW. And also, a LOT of wonderful friends are attending. It's guaranteed to be an amazing night. Especially because I get to see Sam again :D I kinda don't see her enough, really, so this is a very wonderful change. My Saturday consists of haircuts, libraries, and more outings with Sam. HURRAY.

Life is good. <3

P.S. I guess this entry is a bit boring. My apologies.

Angst and suffering, You cannot be real. Erase you I shall, Along with everything I feel. Never deserving of anything above, Always that haunted second best. Bid farewells to any former hope,
Drop titles and forget the rest. Long forgotten friends? Rivet my soul to such a list. For it's the undeniable honesty; I live in a world where trust does not exist.

In sight and out of mind, I shall forget your whispering screams. Screams of pain, or for...? Attention, by all means. I said a lot of things, But surely you spoke too. And forever so crystal clear, I won't rescue you from the Blue. Apologies turned ancient, Freedom seeming rare as can be. And lives now shifted all around, But bound from this rope is no longer me.

It is not that for her I do not care. It is more so that no reason nor rhyme, Could ever have envisioned such a way... A way to rid the girl from such a crime. Belief and hope, It's not something to be found. It should just be in plain view. We don't have days to waste with looking around. Be with us or be not, Live life or take your flight. But think ahead, for then you'll see, It's gravity you just can't fight.

---
SUCK IT.
I'm having a crazy busy week. More later.

life on mars

It's a God awful small affair to the girl with the mousey hair. But her mummy is yelling, "No!"and her daddy has told her to go. But her friend is no where to be seen. Now she walks through her sunken dream to the seats with the clearest view, and she's hooked to the silver screen. But the film is a saddening bore, for she's lived it ten times or more.

I want my insides to catch fire. But I'll go play with a lighter instead.

I feel the need to mention that last night I got two hours of sleep. That's an hour less than I hoped I would magically get, but oh well. I wrote poetry? That alone was probably the highlight of my weekend.

Anyway, back to Monday. Today was hell.
It started out the usual. Go to school, hang around with a friend who could be argued to not actually be a friend, go to my locker, feel immensely let down, hopeless, uncomfortable and horribly discontent as I stand around with people who could even more easily be argued to not actually be friends. Yeah, fun. I kind of just walked away after a few minutes. It's okay though, because I bet my left middle toe that they didn't even notice. GO MANDY.

I walked to Geography alone. I sat in my seat and pulled out my notebook. I wrote things that I had planned to post here, but am clearly not posting. Um, we're learning about the history of London. It's interesting enough to keep me awake, at least. Or maybe that was the coffee... Religion was typical religion. Now we're reflecting on our emotions or something like that? My ISP is due tomorrow and I'm surprisingly nearly finished. At lunch I sat on the floor in front of my locker reading Impulse because... *bites lip* whatfuckingever. When I finally stood up after 45 fidgitless minutes, my feet felt like sponges. Well actually, I couldn't feel them. But my legs felt like sponges. I can't explain it! I went to Drama to isolate myself, then jump through hoops. Fun. Math... I'm not retarded, I'm just getting a 63. Oh, and bonus, I'm shutting out pretty much everyone now. It's probably for the best.

With every glance and annoying voice today, I wanted more and more to scream. With every scream, I wanted more and more to cry. And with every tear? Well that much stays behind closed doors, thanks.

And I just lost the game. Kbye.

P.S. If I post again tonight, expect something filled with sorrow and pessimisticness. Tomorrow's off uniform, mass and The Used concert. Therefore, tomorrow is supposed to be a very good day. I'm trying to get all the negativity out tonight, so I can just enjoy tomorrow. And if that doesn't work, at least I can FUCKING MOSH IT ALL OUT IN THE PIT, BITCHES. :D Bye. Really.

My 30 hours of meltdown...

have ended.
Now I need a distraction.
Take me away from deceased ones, failing situations, and painful memories.

Sleep won't come tonight. Drawings could? I dream of a world where words could come easier.

Bye now.

Typical.

Of COURSE, you would say that.
Of COURSE, you would do that.
Of COURSE, that would happen.
Of COURSE, it would be during this time.
Of COURSE, we would relive this.
Of COURSE, the possibility is met again.
Of COURSE, old lessons are forgotten.
Of COURSE, we make the same mistakes.
Of COURSE, I would post this in my blog.
Of COURSE, it would be irrelevant.
Of COURSE, my itunes shuffle would have such a song play at such a time.

Irony, I so loathe you.

Uh. I could almost feel guilty. I do feel guilty.
Who did I always talk to about stuff like this? I talked to you.
I'm not sure it helped, but it was something.

Disregard me. I'm in my typical state of post-angst, before the stomach acid sets in. Then I get all distrait, and nothing makes sense anymore.

Fuck. Night.

all i need is arts and crafts.

Hello.
I haven't actually blogged in a bit, so I guess I'll do that.

I don't really know what to tell you about Monday and Tuesday. I was sick, and tired, and verging miserable, and I slept through my religion ISP. That wasn't wise at all.
Wednesday I stayed home sick. I was in need of a schoolless school day.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I was up till 1:30. Although, I started getting ready then, and therefore had barely anything to do to get ready when I awoke just after 6. I even had time to make tea. :D I still adore tea. I got to school lovely-ly. But... my real friends weren't at school. That sounds mean. "Real friends". I was still with a group of people. They're all people I can call friends. But, I can't let them in, and I can't completely be myself around them, and I'm not too sure how much they really care, and I'm aware this is a run on sentence. So I felt horrible. I went to Geography and then left to get my admit slip. I took the long route all everywhere upstairs then across the entire main floor to get to Attendance office. Mostly because I really felt horrible. I was fighting back tears. Codependant? Maybe just a little bit. Anyway, I survived the rest of geography, unheard and unseen and not really caring either way.

BUT THEN :D
Turns out at least Emily was in fact at school. My day got about 30% better when I saw her. I worked hard on my Religion ISP and it's nearing completion. That's incredibly good seeing as I've only been present and conscious for 1.7 of the 4 classes we've been given so far. I then walked Emily to her next class, and saw my other friend was in fact at school. She's the one I eat lunch with. Well, her and other people. But she's the main person. :)

Um, during drama we watched auditions for some Christmas thingy my school is doing. Turns out, there's more wonderful people at my school than I thought. I was in awe. Oh, and drama has actually been progressively getting better. I've done my fair share of tableaus in front of my class, and I'm not afraid to talk to just about anyone in that class now. GOOD.

Math, I was late. My teacher usually gives detentions to those who are late... but she didn't say a word when I came in. Then she gave out candy canes and pencils. I was in shock. Delighted shock.

My day ended it's usual way. I went home and drank tea. Today has been good.

In other news, I've started drawing again. I'm so glad I've finally refound inspiration. It's a great feeling; looking at something you've created and actually liking it. Also, I got invited to a New Years Party. Huzzah, it's a social life! See? I'm not always a failure.

Two semi anonymous things to lead me to a conclusion:

Someone who I was almost certain was losing a lot of interest and care for me just showed me how completely wrong I was to think that. Although they're going through a hard time right now, I can't help but be a little bit happy they haven't let go. Now that I know where they really stand, I'll do everything I can to be the friend I once was to them. ^_______^

I don't know why, but I absolutely adore you. I have a great quantity of respect for you, too. It's really weird. You're not normally someone I would think so highly of, but really, you're wonderful. I'm glad I know you. ^____^

Happy faces are happy.
I've got a great bunch of friends. As long as I have them, I know I'll make it through.

PARDON CHEESYNESS AND POOR WRITING SKILLS,
It's been a while, alright?

Goodnight.

but the NUNS are watching...

I kind of just want to erase you.
I don't mean like that... like making you not exist... like taking an eraser to your face and... y'know... erasing you.
FEeling numb has never felt so fulfilling.
Yes, I am aware of the unecessary capitalized E up there. I just like it there. But this sentence makes it seem

redundant,
like most of this has been.

We're okay, goodbye.

simple enough.

(I have seen sinking ships)
This is side one,
(go down with more grace than you)
Flip me over,
(You can thank your lucky stars)
I know I'm not your favourite record.
(everything I ask for)
But the songs you grow to like
(will never come true.)
never stick at first.

So I'm writing you a chorus, and here is your verse.

Oh hello.
Let's blog, okay?
Let's start with last night. I stayed up later than intended, and woke up almost every hour. I finally got up at 5:30 and got ready and stuff.
I didn't look horrible today :3
Umm... the morning was nice. I was... acceptable in social society. That's a horribley formed sentence. In geography, we just watched Spiderman 3. I LOVE the Spiderman movies. Really.
Religion was whatever. Fine. Lunch was cool. I was social, and Nicole skipped. :D
Drama was good. Patrick and I debated things? I guess we're cool.
Oh, I forgot math. Screw math, it's not interesting.
I don't know, it was just a good school day though, when I was so sure it wouldn't be.
I went home. My brother's friend is over. He's on the level though.
I got dressed up, complete with a dress and everything, then went to a tea party at Emily's. I met a really incredible Jeffree Star look alike. He was also completely baked, and out of his mind. Fun stuff. Fun stories. My throat burns from inhaling and exhaling pizza.
Haha, whaaat?
I don't know.
I don't feel like going in to detail about everything.
But my day has been really, REALLY wonderful.
I love weekends.

Bye.

weekend warriors, and our best friends..

HELLO.
Today hasn't been the greatest. Actually, it hasn't been great at all. But I'm not feeling too down.
Uhh... I didn't wake up til 7 this morning... because my brother didn't wake up til 7... and I'm not self reliant... so I walked to school. Gross. It was icy, and I kept falling. Damn.
Religion was good. We did stuff about... ourselves... which I can do... and we learned chinese numbers too... cool, I guess.
This week the schedule is all messed up. Period 6 becomes period 3, and THEN period 3, 4 and 5 happen. So if you have 5th lunch, you could leave at 1:30 if you want.
Except I have 3rd lunch. No getting out early for me, no sir.
So, after Releyegon, I went to Math. Math in the morning is not good. No sir, not good at all. I can never stay awake during my morning classes, and Math is the one class I'm not doing amazingly in. Though, I'm doing a bit better. Anyway, it passed by slowly and mockingly. We had a substitute. I don't like her.
Then, I had lunch. Lunch sucked. Enough said.
Then I went to Drama, my last class of the day. It wasn't much better.
We got out early... I sat with "friends". I failed hardcore.
I went home. I felt like crap. But sometimes people can make things better, even if just for seven minutes.

Oh well.

Um... let's end this with something optimistic... for once...

the writers weren't kidding, but the good things will live in our hearts?
yeah, the academy is...