My verdict of this weekend:
Aunt Polly is the cutest, sweetest, most beautiful lady in the world and I love her.
My uncles are absolutely incredible. I have so much respect for them, and truly look up to them. They inspire me so much, and I can't believe I'm actually related to them.
My cousin Larissa is beautiful, and so intense. I look up to her.
The rest of my family is so truly amazing. I had no idea I came from such a line of fantastic people.
At least half of the people in my family are artists. Not even kidding. Probably more than half. That, or they LOOK like artists. They're all so incredible, talented, inspiring and just... wonderful. They're all so strong, too. Brave, brilliant people. And... this is what's running through me?
I have discovered family and am breath taken. I never really understood family when I was younger, and couldn't deeply appreciate it. I honestly had no idea what I was missing out on, and even with experiencing it now, I still can't find the words to explain it.
Now that I have experienced this, I do not want to let it go. I don't want to miss out on anymore of this.

Guh, FAMILY. They are the love I need. The kind that fills your heart, even with its gaps. Lacking a father? Friends? Fuck it, I've got aunts and uncles.

I love it when things start to make sense.
And now I'm so inspired by the talent in my family, I really need to start doing art again. I need to get into Beal, make my family proud, prove my worth, etc, etc. Did I mention I met my uncle Art (irony) who tought art at Beal? Yeah. He's wonderful.

That said. SLEEP; you are my bitch. Goodnight blog.


Also:

Rest in peace Uncle Jack. ♥

I remember going to their house for Christmas every year. I haven't done that in a while, but when I did, it was really good. It was one of the very few big family gatherings that ever existed for me. It was a wonderful atmosphere. I'm not sure if that's because I was younger and much more clueless about everything, or if that's just what family is supposed to feel like that.
I remember we'd stay there late and I never wanted to go home.
I think I even slept over once, and it was AWESOME.
And I remember when we'd finally leave; me being the happy, outgoing, chipper little girl I was, would run around with a big smile, giving everyone hugs. And then some more hugs. And then a few more. Anything to prolong the visit. And then I'd turn around and say byebye a dozen times, and then wave at them when I got in the car. And still be waving halfway down the road, until we turned the corner. And then sitting back smiling, because I had a great day. Then falling asleep on the way home. c:
Hmmm. That was nice.

He had the sweetest wife ever, too. Polly. One of the sweetest old ladies you'd ever meet, and absolutely beautiful as well. She'd always kiss me on the cheek when I hugged her. She wore a lot of velvet and smelt nice. I think the most painful part of this is picturing her alone. If I were a good little Christian girl, I would pray for her. Too bad I'm not. Times like this, I wish I were.

I remember in grade 5, we had grown ups night. Polly and Jack came to that, and they were the cutest thing ever. I remember having to make them a whole bunch of fun little projects, and I can tell it made them really happy. They put them on their fridge. I remember going to their house and seeing them on there, faded from the sun. I put a lot of effort into those. I remember everytime I went up on the stage to present at grownups night, I'd look down at my guests and see their smiling faces. I remember hoping they'd be proud of me. I also remember falling off that stage, but shh.

I really wish I had seen more of them. Ugh, poor Polly.

The funeral is on Saturday and it is honestly going to break my heart seeing her there.

):

Successssss!
I have my Link costume (aside from the shield, which I'm making, and maybe a weapon. I want a slingshot. and the skirt needs to be cut. but yeah) and it's not half bad. Pretty good, especially considering I found it all in an hour's time and had to get creative with a hat. Also, today I worked up the guts to ask to be in a group with two girls in my religion for a srs bsns project. And even more, it turns out that I seem to have a bit in common with one of them. ALSO, the topic of our project is something I've felt strongly for since eighth grade; human trafficking. This is gonna be good, I hope :)

SHORTUPDATESRKEWLKBAI

I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HERE

I feel like making lists.

20 Things That Make Mandy a Content Girl innoorder
25 minute naps.
Stephen Jerzak, live acoustic.
Understood math homework, where I can zip through 20 questions in 30 minutes.
Change.
Rachel.
Cheesy movies.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Book, movie, actors, I don't care. Anything related.
The Legend of Zelda.
Drawing, and it doesn't turn out crappy.
Tuesday nights at 7.
Civics class when I can stay awake.
Working at the central library.
Playing cards and board games with my best friend.
Laying on my driveway at night, watching the sky.
2 am visits.
Having options.
The Little Red Roaster.
Making bank.
My cat.
My favourite kind of weather.

20 Things That Make Mandy Discontent innoorder
Failing to do any of the above
LOLJK, there's only two notable ones.
And you're the second one.

That said,

Today was the worst day I've had in a very long time.
(Not that you would know.)
But then I had the most amazing night, ever.
(Or at least top ten.)

Not going to explain why, kbye
That rhymed. :)

I think that

the reason I don't open up to people is because I don't know where to start. And if I can't find a place to start, how will I find somewhere to finish? I'm not one to just keep talking until someone cuts me off.

but I'm okay with that, because I'm growing up, and falling down, and paying too much attention in Religion class.

I kind of feel like posting a big long thing of things, but NOT HERE. Because that's just me.

:]

I think the thing I'll miss most about STA is actually grade 10 religion. Everything else is completely replaceable.

I'm gonna play guitar tonight, because I can, and I don't know why I don't.

Then maybe I'll draw, and do whatever else I like to do, wuhbam.

Productive Mandy would insist cracking open a math textbook and getting her older brother to explain the concept she slept through today in class, but hey, productive Mandy doesn't even really exist.

Life, ftw.

BAIBLOGGER~

I'm nauseousssss ):

Guh. I guess someone walking by in the hall today called me a loser?
I didn't hear, unfortunately, otherwise I would've given them my infamous death glare.
Actually, when I was talking a lot in math today, someone mentioned just how awful my glare really is. Like, they're afraid I'll chuck a desk at them.
Hahahah, awesome. I love being welcoming.
Come to think of, I wish I had said to the passerby in the hall,
"YOU TALKIN' SHIT? COME BACK OVER HERE AND SAY IT AGAIN, FUCKER."
That would've been way too pleasing. I so wish.

Also, I have an idea for my halloween costume. I wanna be Link. Yeah.
But I definitely can't afford to order a costume, so I'm kind of buying random green clothing articles, doing some fail sewing, and making some props.
Yeah, I'm really worried it's gonna suck.
For once, I just want to succeed at something.
I want to put a lot of effort into it, and see it pull together perfectly.
But that scarcely ever works with anything I do. :\

And then I have all this stupid anxiety about something so little and simple.
Time to grow up.

2 things:

1) I hate when you make a mistake, and it's the smallest mistake ever, but you can't forget it. No matter how many times you tell yourself "It's okay, no one even remembers that." or "Everyone makes mistakes like these." it just won't go away. And you won't feel okay with it, ever. I make a lot of mistakes like those. Sometimes when I'm just lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I remember these mistakes and I cringe. Not a little cringe, like the twitch of an eye. A big cringe, where I curl up in the smallest ball I possibly can, and I squeeze my eyes shut, and it feels like I'm shaking, but I know I'm not and I see the situation replay over and over in my head until I can banish the thought and think of something nice. Like cats. It's pretty much like a hyped up facepalm, you know? But anyway, I'm getting better at getting over things. So, whatevaaa~

2) Forgetting what number 2 was originally going to be. Fuck.

I can think of a million things that could be number two, but I want you to read them. Lahdidaah, I think I need a safe to store all my thoughts in.

So my brother walks into my room, talking about his friend's band or whatever, and I've clearly been crying heavily.
He absolutely DID NOT notice.
How does that even happen? :S

I'll probably post 5 other times tonight about 5 useless topics that do not matter. Woo.

Warning: If you don't like sappy things, GTFO.

It's 2am. I cannot sleep for the life of me.
But you know what I realized? I really did skip out on Thanksgiving this year.
I didn't have a nice meal with family, or see any relatives, or anything. I didn't even take the time to you be, y'know, thankful.
So, I'll make a list of all the things I'm thankful for. In no order, whatsoever.
I'm thankful for:

My mom.
She's the best person in my life, without a doubt. She's more than the person who gave birth to me. She's the person who single handedly raised me. She's been nothing but a positive influence. I honestly have no idea how she does it all, and cannot imagine ever being in her shoes. She's successfully managed to provide for my brother and I for so long now, and been a perfect example of strength. I love my mom, I can't even begin to explain why she's so amazing. She just is. That's why she's my mom, more than a mother.

Taylor.
This kid is fucking cool. I couldn't ask for a better brother, really. He's so old now, and it's so weird, but luckily I don't think he'll be going too far too soon. I can always count on him for an opinion, a funny story, or to reassure me. You have no idea how many times I've freaked out about how my hair looks, or how my outfit looks, and he's told me I look awesome when no one else would. Seriously, he just gets it. We have our downs, but at the end of the day, they don't matter.

Alexander.
My bffl. I care about him so much, you have no idea. Our friendship means so much to me, and I would honestly be lost without him. I can always count on him, and I trust him to no end. He's always there, like a bffl should be, and our friendship is getting better all the time. He has incredible patience, too. Aaand we have the best games of Sorry ever. I wish him the absolute best, from the very bottom of my heart. He deserves it.

Teddy.
Fuckyeah, MY CAT. Let's keep in mind this is in no order. But seriously, this boss has been in my life for as long as I can remember. I remember when we first went to get him. And actually, it wasn't love at first sight or anything. I wanted his sister, Snowball, but for whatever reason we went with Mr Perfect. Haha, Mr Perfect. What a fitting name, though he's Teddy/Lumpy/a billion other names now. Though I'm happy to say, our relationship has grown a lot, and I'm so glad we brought him home instead of Snowball. Him and I are a lot a like. We take YEARS to truly warm up to someone, but once we do it, it's most likely for keeps. This year Teddy and I have truly connected the most out of any other year. I can always count on him to greet me in the morning, and when I get home from school. Seriously, whether I'm waking up at 6am or 12pm, he's always there. We have conversations, we really do. I don't expect anyone to understand our bond. And that doesn't bother me, cause he's MY CAT. Not yours.

Sam.
A really ridiculously cool person. I have endless amounts of respect for her. She's just... a total trooper, and doesn't fall for anyone's shit. She's strong, and can think for herself, and just really live. See? Just, respect. I don't even have words.

Jared.
I actually sat here for a few minutes not sure how to start this. I realized it's because I can't express the way I feel about him to anyone but, well, him. We have a good thing though, I will tell you that much. Whether that's clear to you or not. I'm a lucky girl.

Rachel.
Oh my god, she's the sweetest girl ever and a really wonderful friend. I absolutely love her, like a sister.

Kristin.
She's a fucking boss, and I admire her honesty. And dykeness. She's truly an original, and never fails to brighten my day.

Emily and Korrin.
When I need immaturity and mass amounts of nice shoes, they will always be the first that come to mind. Seriously, they can be a riot. I can always count on fun and fully retarded times with them.

Trees.
Incredible teachers.
Levi, because I appreciate his preaching more than you know.
Mike and Matt, because I don't have to worry about feeling lonely at 2am on weekends.
Gaby, just because she's a ray of sunshine. And a genuinely nice person. You know how rare people like her are?
Kiera, because she makes class fun.
Taking Back Sunday.
Tumblr, for making me realize I'm never entirely alone.
Everyone who has ever hurt me, for the confidence booster. Funny how that works.
Tanya, for having such an awesome tumblr.
Stars.
Cats everywhere.
Romeo.
Tim (+ my mom) for teaching me so much.
Alex Pardee.
Mitchell Davis.
My Chemical Romance.
Say Anything, for putting it all into words.
Saw movies, for making me feel okay with being sadistic.
AP Magazine for existing.
My uncle, for giving me that teddy for Christmas many years ago. I still sleep with it, and plan on never parting with it.
My grandma.
My deceased grandma. I have no doubt in my mind that I would love her.
My deceased father. I thank him for the gift of life.
Anyone who doesn't know me and has smiled at me, or tried to start a conversation with me. It means a lot to me.
Nigel, for starting conversations with me.
Jordan, for bringing taste to our tasteless school.
Alia, I'll always admire her spunk. She's an easy going person, and I'm thankful for the fun times we've had.
Nicole.
Alyssia. I'll never forget MMWP3. Out of everyone, she was the one to help me the most that night. You're a good person.
Alyssia's mom for not leaving me stranded downtown at 1am.
Imjustaboywithadream, because I'm pretty sure he's the closest thing to a saint this modern day world can offer. And I don't mean saint, like from the bible. I'm not elaborating on this tonight.
The person who used to read my entries, truly care, and post comments. It meant a lot to me.
Adam, such a nice guy. He'll make someone very happy one day.
Kelsey.
Christien, because CRAIG OWENS
Alexander's mom for getting me unlost downtown.
You know what, all of my friends' parents.

And to anyone and anything that has impacted my life in a positive way, with honest intentions. There's no way I could list EVERYONE, but you're not forgotten.

I'm finally getting tired. I may as well try for three hours of sleep before I have to drag myself through school. Goodnight world.

Note: It took me an hour to write this, and I'm not going to fix the grammar and spelling mistakes, or the awkward sentence structure, no matter how awful they may be. So, 2 bad 4 u.

I'm sick of you

and your pompous bullshit.
The sun doesn't rise specially for you, and no one really cares about your narrow minded opinions. So shut the fuck up and spit them into your dirty hands. Then proceed to forcefully shove those meaningless fragments deep into your anus. It's where they belong.
Then you know what? Walk around with them up there for a few months. You deserve it, bitch.

Quit looking down on me, you're not above me. You don't get to pull on my hair anymore, or send me your nastiest glares.

I can dispose of you at the blink of an eye.

Most horrifying thing I've read in a while.

In junior high, there was a kid on my bus who would always run home as soon as the bus dropped him off. We would laugh at him every day. We didn’t know that he ran because he wanted to make sure his sister hadn’t killed herself while he was gone at school. One day, he missed school. A week after, he was back. He stopped running.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm so fed up with

how big a deal people make it when someone likes the same sex.
SHUTTHEFUCKUP, IT'S NORMAL.

Let's just turn this blog into a list of things Mandy hates.

Also, I hate my phone.

That is all.

I can see why people change their names.

Because sometimes, you just get so sick of hearing your name.
Not the actual sound of it, but the context.
Mhmmm. Fuck people.

Sleeping, Y U NO HAPPEN NO MOAR?
Lie, I'm sure it'll happen soon.
I wish I could just be an insomniac, and never sleep again.
Even if Fight Club tells me that when you have insomnia you're never really awake and you're never really asleep.
fnsdjfnsfjkrenfjkrenjkre
Or maybe I wish I could just sleep all the time.

Or maybe I use sleeping or lackthere of to hide from life.
I used to think, "fightlifewithlife".
Now I don't care.

I just want change.

GOOD CHANGE, DAMMIT.

I want to listen to Taking Back Sunday all night.
I want everything to be like grade 6 and 7, when no matter how bad everything got, I could always go home, and lay in my bed with Taking Back Sunday blaring from my stereo. And that would make it better. It always would. Sometimes it would take 3 minutes, and sometimes it would take 2 hours.

What makes it all better now?
I don't actually know, because I normally just go to sleep when things get bad.
Except for when I can't sleep, then I don't know what I do.

I just want change.
GOOD CHANGE, DAMMIT.

Maybe if I keep saying that, it'll happen.
nfdsjdkfnkjf, I feel randomly anxious, and I feel uncomfortable blogging about this. I don't want to portray someone who is depressed all the time because I'm
not.
nfjsdfjkfrekjr

I just-

Nevermind. Homework.

Maybe things aren't so bad. I think I'll try to make a list of things that make me happy in a bit. Cause then I can be happy. Like any human being is supposed to be.

It's Kind of a Funny Story.
Friday.

You can not even begin to fathom my excitement.

So, I was talking to my mom about stretching my ears more. I told her a handful of reasons why I'd like to, and why it'd be okay, and she continued to say no. Then I asked "Why?"
She replied "Because it's ugly."
So, Me: Everyone has their own standard.
Her: What does that mean?
Me: Everyone has their own standard of beauty.

And, I must say, I almost got her there. I think she was impressed.

I'll finish convincing her tomorrow morning. (:

That reminds me, we were having a debate-like conversation in civics the other day, and I gave a reason for something, and my teacher tried to prove me wrong. I actually had a good comeback to it, and was prepared to back myself up, but I didn't get the chance. It was all I could think about for the rest of the day.

YEAH, I have the knowledge and insight to back up my opinions. Now all I need is the confidence to speak up.

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