I want something new in my life right now. I'm not sure what, though.
New friend, different hair, new piercings, lifestyle change, a job (always wanting that, though) or something else. I'm not suree, but something should change.

Cue mother rant/

So, I love my mom, and generally she's not the most controlling person. But she has this one rule which is the most ridiculous thing, and I hate it so much.

She doesn't let me burn candles.

...I'm sixteen. I can be trusted to stay until 1, to go to concerts, to go to an lgbt club, to get a job, to have a car (once I get my g1), to go to a high school downtown, etc. Strangers trust me in their home, with their children, and expect me to make a meal using an oven. Me, cooking! I'm pretty sure that's a bigger fire hazard than one candle.

I spend majority of my time in my room, usually not leaving it for hours at a time. I never have people over, the cats don't come in here, and my room is finally clean! There's actually safe surfaces in here for a candle to burn.

Yet she still won't let me burn candles, the smallest, most insignificant task in the world. I'm literally the only person I know that isn't allowed.

I just wish my mom was more easygoing. Even with the freedom I do have, there's a hundred rules I still have to acknowledge. Y u no have faith, mother? Let me make my own choices and start learning things by myself.

But of course I could never tell her these things because she'd just get mad, and I can't deal with angry parents.

/end rant

Gaaah, I just want a job so I can buy everyone nice christmas presents, and buy other christmas related things :3

I TALKED TO PEOPLE TODAY.

YEAH.

Stop feeling this way, stop thinking that way.
/don't do that

I was gonna visit STA today but then I overslept. At first when I woke up and realized it was 10 (the last bus in my neighbourhood leaves at 9) I was really upset and mad at myself for missing it.

Then I realized no one would give two shits if I went anyway because I fucking suck and I have no friends. Awesome. Going back to bed now, in hopes to forget I exist for a while.

I'm really liking my photography class this quarter :3
We spent the first two days making pinhole cameras and then today we could go wherever we want and take pictures. There was a quick lesson, then I needed 20 minutes to finish my camera, but I still had around an hour and a half to take pictures. My first photo actually turned out alright, considering. I was really slow getting the hang of the developing process, but it still turned out. My other picture (I only took two) didn't turn out like I hoped. Korrin and I went to a random worn down looking house and she stood in front of a disgusting window making the face. Her facial features didn't really turn out, and the worn downness of the house wasn't that apparent, so the picture wasn't really anything special. Oh well though. If we get to do the same thing again tomorrow, I'm gonna venture further downtown and hopefully get an interesting photo, and potentially have to trespass to get it. Then I'm staying after school for a couple of hours to finish some ceramics pieces, which is exciting. I've been working on them for a month now and just want to hurry up and glaze, then fire them so I can take them homeee.

Seriously, the art program makes me so happy, and that's something not a lot of things can do for me lately. The next three days will be good though. I'll spend majority of my morning working on my skirt (hopefully without feeling the need to dismember anyone) and then the afternoon as stated above, and just kfdnfkjd, it's going to be a good day. Thursday and Friday I don't have school and have plans to see people I haven't seen in a while, and more job hunting.

Also- two people talked to me today, and two the day before, and maybe some day I'll make friends. Maybe.

Fuck this.
My cousin died of cancer recently. It never ends, everyone just keeps dying. Fuck cancer.

I'm gonna make some donations or something to cancer research when I get a job. Or go to fundraisers, or something. I don't know. But this is the second person I know that died of cancer within the past month and it's fucking ridiculous. A long time ago my grandma died of cancer as well.

ndfksnfkjdkj I hate this

My guitar teacher decided I need to play more death metal and then grow up to be a tattoo artist at the studio in Toronto where Slayer and himself go for theirs. Okay sounds good.

In the meantime, tomorrow I've got 30 shitty places to apply to.

Purrr, onto a new quarter of Art.
Byebye ceramics, drawing and art history. Welcome, design concepts, photography and figure drawing. c:
My classes are going really well lately. Today was my first day of design concepts, my skirt in sewing class is coming along slowly but surely and I'm finally caught up in law. Speaking of which, I stayed after class for a few minutes today and my teacher said "Mandy, it's a shame you're so quiet. I can tell by your writing you have many good ideas." I kind of quietly and very awkwardly told her I'm shy, then went on my merry way, but not so merrily.
First of all, it's beyond shy, and I really wish I could control it. It'd be kind of nice to be able to talk to people and make friends. At the same time, not talking to people usually helps me avoid potential friends worth avoiding, and I just don't think I'd be myself if I didn't radiate awkwardness.
Secondly, it'd be nice to put some idiots in their place with their futile arguments every now and then. Oh well.

Anyway, that's life right now.

rant/

If you're expecting an apology from me, don't hold your fucking breath.

I really don't appreciate how much of a douchebag you've been lately. You complain that we're apparently not as close as we used to be, and then half an hour later you're saying mean things to me. I'm not gonna sit around and be your personal punching bag everytime something upsets you (which is more often than not).
When you're not being an oversensitive downer or a douchebag, you're hitting on me and that's just plain awkward. I've told you more times than I can count that I'm not interested in you like that, and yet you don't drop it. Thennn, you proceed to boast about your alleged hickeys and scratch marks. First of all, not interesting. Second of all, you're nothing more than a standard straight out of the factory fuck and chuck douchebag, ~*~2011 Edition!!~*~. The fact that you would use a girl who for some crazy reason likes you is disgusting. Here I was, thinking you were a half decent human being.

The remaining 20% of the time, you're a caring, funny guy who I can be myself around.

80>20, though. So don't expect an apology. The ball's in your court.

Homesick for things I know don't think of me.

I don't like a lot of the things I've done in the past 7 months. Well more like 5, because October and September is when things started turning around.
I don't like that I continue to be so withdrawn with the people who mean the most. I know they won't be here forever. I don't like that I've been lying to my mom, but I guess it's been worth it that I've been getting out more often because of it. I don't like certain parties, in particular the ones where I hook up with people I shouldn't. I don't even think I like that I dated Mat. I don't like how I handled any of that, and I nearly hate that there was a second go at that. I don't like having absolutely no recollection of some nights. I don't mind forgetting bits and pieces, but there's a line to draw. I don't like how downright lazy I was with my school work last year and anything worth doing over the summer. I don't like how difficult it's made it to get back into the swing of things at school this year. I don't like this terrible anxiety. I don't like lying.

I do like that I'm becoming more aware. I like that I've been working on a better lifestyle. I like that I've got better control with certain things previously listed. I like the art program, a lot. I like where things are going, even though it's really difficult right now.