Day Lostcount.
There was no one who ever broke my heart. Uhh. Metaphorically, everything last year and the year before pulled my heart apart a bit, but I'm okay.
WE'RE OKAAAAAAAAAY
Tell them will do, but a settlement won't do. Sexual harrassment and civil rights too. Steve, you're great. No, you cut the paper plate! Did you cheat on Mark a lot!? Would you say: we're okay?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
day19>concerts>religion>adoration>goals
Day 19- someone who pesters your mind a lot, good or bad
Woooooooo, um... I pester myself a lot, bad. You have noo idea just how often I chant in my head "IMPROVE, goddammit, IMPROVE." It's not all bad though. Kind of motivational when I feel like it. OH, and now I look like a creep who talks to herself. Cool :3 Also, I know I didn't write a letter about this. It doesn't seem necessary.
Nehh, let's go work on that improvement thing.
WAIT NO.
First, I went to a concert tonight. It was pretty flippin religious, I must say. Aaron Gilespie was going on about how Jesus loves us, and even if we think that's crazy, he stills loves us, quotes from Matthew, blahblahblah. I was just kind of sitting there, not really sure what to do with myself. Like, obviously the earth was created somehow. I see the scientific part of that, the big bang theory. But I question how the means of that got there to begin with. There can't seriously be a Jesus, or God, or fuckingwhatever. It's impossible. No one can have that much love. No one can keep so many tabs. It's fucking impossible.
Uggggh, that reminds me of something I read in Stones, when Raphaella was talking about the greater knowledge in the world- the one science can't explain. I guess a greater being would fall into that category. What am I supposed to do with this? I certainly don't believe the bible stories. I've always looked at those like nursery rhymes, or my favourite Disney stories. They've never seemed real to me. I guess if I believed in Jesus, I'd believe the stories too. I guess I can see how it would all play together.
However, religion seems a bit ignorant to me, with how the high bar is. Come now, "God", you can't tell us that being gay is wrong. Surely when you were "creating" us all, you recognized that just because we are yours, doesn't mean we don't have totally different personalities; like how our parents shit bricks when we don't want to follow in their footsteps. Oh, speaking of... erm, not being straight... I think I might be a litttle tiny bit bi. Is that even possible? To be a little bit bi? Eh, whatever, sure it is. I don't feel like pondering that thought.
Right, so, religion. I like Christofer Drew's view on religion. He believes in God or whatever, but doesn't practice anything. That's good. That's loving and accepting, and not absorbed. I wish I could be like that. FUCK, I WANT TO BE CHRISTOFER DREW. SO BADLY. He's the most loving, happy, nfsdkjnfkjrd person in the whole world. I'll rant about my admiration of him some other day. Fuck that, it's already 2:30, I'm writing about it now.
So, I saw him perform at Warped Tour, and he took my breath away. Is it fair to say he completed my life? He is MY Jesus, I swear. Jesus is supposed to love us all, and feel all our pain with us, and be by our side, and love us no matter how badly we fuck up. Christofer Drew is like that, I swear! I know I'm fourteen, and I am typically viewed as a starstruck teenybopper, but I'll just go with it anyway. The love he spread when he played... it was radiant. You could feel it, strong, powerful, protecting, everywhere. Unless maybe you're a heartless wench. Then, you might not have felt it. But it was the most overpowering love I've ever felt, spread throughout such a big place. It was how I imagine faith and love in religion would feel, or is supposed to feel. Sure, you feel love when you're surrounded by friends, no doubt about it, and when you're with family, maybe celebrating your birthday. But, you know what I'm talking about- one of those moments with important people, that make you feel IMPORTANT. But when Christofer Drew performed, it was that strong, but it was spread throughout hundreds of people. Maybe I'm just too emotional, or maybe I'm on to something. I really don't know. But honestly, he's a beautiful walking accomplishment. A sort of hero, if you will.
Where did I go in my religion rant? Right, so, Aaron's preaching, and I don't know how to feel. I want to believe, but I can't believe in all of it. I might just be too young to understand that love right now, but... ugh. I'll figure it out. I just need more life.
Speaking of life, I feel like I'm going nowhere. It's August, and I haven't done much differently. Hmm :/
I'll set some goals-
1) Unawkwardify to the best of my ability.
2) Get less ugly.
3) Undrift with Sam, to a reasonable extent.
4) Hang out with all of my closest friends, at least once. Without Emily. Emily, if you're reading this, don't take any offense. ILUHHYOUGURL.
5) Practice guitar more, to an extent where playing in front of people feels alright.
6) Keep reading.
7) Go places alone more often. Needs more perspective, time to myself, and thoughtfulness.
KAY. MUST DO THIS. I'm set on it. I'll write some form of a reminder on my arm/hand at some point, to stay true to this.
Knowing me, I probably won't get number 5 done. I'll need severe reminders with that. :/
Also, I'm off now. I needed this. Bye.
Woooooooo, um... I pester myself a lot, bad. You have noo idea just how often I chant in my head "IMPROVE, goddammit, IMPROVE." It's not all bad though. Kind of motivational when I feel like it. OH, and now I look like a creep who talks to herself. Cool :3 Also, I know I didn't write a letter about this. It doesn't seem necessary.
Nehh, let's go work on that improvement thing.
WAIT NO.
First, I went to a concert tonight. It was pretty flippin religious, I must say. Aaron Gilespie was going on about how Jesus loves us, and even if we think that's crazy, he stills loves us, quotes from Matthew, blahblahblah. I was just kind of sitting there, not really sure what to do with myself. Like, obviously the earth was created somehow. I see the scientific part of that, the big bang theory. But I question how the means of that got there to begin with. There can't seriously be a Jesus, or God, or fuckingwhatever. It's impossible. No one can have that much love. No one can keep so many tabs. It's fucking impossible.
Uggggh, that reminds me of something I read in Stones, when Raphaella was talking about the greater knowledge in the world- the one science can't explain. I guess a greater being would fall into that category. What am I supposed to do with this? I certainly don't believe the bible stories. I've always looked at those like nursery rhymes, or my favourite Disney stories. They've never seemed real to me. I guess if I believed in Jesus, I'd believe the stories too. I guess I can see how it would all play together.
However, religion seems a bit ignorant to me, with how the high bar is. Come now, "God", you can't tell us that being gay is wrong. Surely when you were "creating" us all, you recognized that just because we are yours, doesn't mean we don't have totally different personalities; like how our parents shit bricks when we don't want to follow in their footsteps. Oh, speaking of... erm, not being straight... I think I might be a litttle tiny bit bi. Is that even possible? To be a little bit bi? Eh, whatever, sure it is. I don't feel like pondering that thought.
Right, so, religion. I like Christofer Drew's view on religion. He believes in God or whatever, but doesn't practice anything. That's good. That's loving and accepting, and not absorbed. I wish I could be like that. FUCK, I WANT TO BE CHRISTOFER DREW. SO BADLY. He's the most loving, happy, nfsdkjnfkjrd person in the whole world. I'll rant about my admiration of him some other day. Fuck that, it's already 2:30, I'm writing about it now.
So, I saw him perform at Warped Tour, and he took my breath away. Is it fair to say he completed my life? He is MY Jesus, I swear. Jesus is supposed to love us all, and feel all our pain with us, and be by our side, and love us no matter how badly we fuck up. Christofer Drew is like that, I swear! I know I'm fourteen, and I am typically viewed as a starstruck teenybopper, but I'll just go with it anyway. The love he spread when he played... it was radiant. You could feel it, strong, powerful, protecting, everywhere. Unless maybe you're a heartless wench. Then, you might not have felt it. But it was the most overpowering love I've ever felt, spread throughout such a big place. It was how I imagine faith and love in religion would feel, or is supposed to feel. Sure, you feel love when you're surrounded by friends, no doubt about it, and when you're with family, maybe celebrating your birthday. But, you know what I'm talking about- one of those moments with important people, that make you feel IMPORTANT. But when Christofer Drew performed, it was that strong, but it was spread throughout hundreds of people. Maybe I'm just too emotional, or maybe I'm on to something. I really don't know. But honestly, he's a beautiful walking accomplishment. A sort of hero, if you will.
Where did I go in my religion rant? Right, so, Aaron's preaching, and I don't know how to feel. I want to believe, but I can't believe in all of it. I might just be too young to understand that love right now, but... ugh. I'll figure it out. I just need more life.
Speaking of life, I feel like I'm going nowhere. It's August, and I haven't done much differently. Hmm :/
I'll set some goals-
1) Unawkwardify to the best of my ability.
2) Get less ugly.
3) Undrift with Sam, to a reasonable extent.
4) Hang out with all of my closest friends, at least once. Without Emily. Emily, if you're reading this, don't take any offense. ILUHHYOUGURL.
5) Practice guitar more, to an extent where playing in front of people feels alright.
6) Keep reading.
7) Go places alone more often. Needs more perspective, time to myself, and thoughtfulness.
KAY. MUST DO THIS. I'm set on it. I'll write some form of a reminder on my arm/hand at some point, to stay true to this.
Knowing me, I probably won't get number 5 done. I'll need severe reminders with that. :/
Also, I'm off now. I needed this. Bye.
Monday, July 26, 2010
fuckyeah, leet speak.
I just changed my fabo language to that. Pretty cool shit, I must say. Also, here's day 18. It'll be a lengthy one.
Dear Mandy,
You're gross. I wish a lot of things were different about you. I wish you weren't so awkward. Is it really that difficult to sit a fucking table with some friends and eat? It's human. Don't be such an awkward loser. Nobody notices half the things you do about yourself. By avoiding things you think are awkward, YOUMAKEITAWKWARD. St00p!d f000l. QUIT MAKING EVERYTHING A BIG DEAL. Just stop it. Right now. Also, quit eating. If you're not going to eat around your friends, you shouldn't be eating around yourself. Do you ever even look in the mirror? You're disgusting. One day your skin will be stretched so much, it'll rip, and all the fat will just gush out and you'll die. Happy? Oh, and quit complaining about not having friends. That's your fault. Would it kill you to talk? Make conversation? Probably. BUT GET OVER IT. I wish we could fix all of your ugly features. I wish you were better at sleeping. Idiot, you should be sleeping right now, but no, you'll probably only sleep for an hour.
But finally, I wish you didn't care so much. The truth is, you're probably too hard on yourself. Flaws probably add character. Hmm.
Kbyeletter.
I don't want to blog right now.
Dear Mandy,
You're gross. I wish a lot of things were different about you. I wish you weren't so awkward. Is it really that difficult to sit a fucking table with some friends and eat? It's human. Don't be such an awkward loser. Nobody notices half the things you do about yourself. By avoiding things you think are awkward, YOUMAKEITAWKWARD. St00p!d f000l. QUIT MAKING EVERYTHING A BIG DEAL. Just stop it. Right now. Also, quit eating. If you're not going to eat around your friends, you shouldn't be eating around yourself. Do you ever even look in the mirror? You're disgusting. One day your skin will be stretched so much, it'll rip, and all the fat will just gush out and you'll die. Happy? Oh, and quit complaining about not having friends. That's your fault. Would it kill you to talk? Make conversation? Probably. BUT GET OVER IT. I wish we could fix all of your ugly features. I wish you were better at sleeping. Idiot, you should be sleeping right now, but no, you'll probably only sleep for an hour.
But finally, I wish you didn't care so much. The truth is, you're probably too hard on yourself. Flaws probably add character. Hmm.
Kbyeletter.
I don't want to blog right now.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 17, someone from my childhood
I don't want to write to someone from my childhood :/ Ehh, I'll write to someone from last year. That's basically part of my childhood.
Dear Anonymous Person,
I wish we were still friends.
From, Mandy.
Wow, my letters are so lengthy now. It's awesome. Sheesh, I need a more interesting character to write to.
Anyway, today I cleaned my room a bit. Well, more than I've ever cleaned it since I moved here, really. I feel accomplished, though I still have a lot more to do. But I'll get to it.
I also completely lack iniative to blog right now. Bye.
I don't want to write to someone from my childhood :/ Ehh, I'll write to someone from last year. That's basically part of my childhood.
Dear Anonymous Person,
I wish we were still friends.
From, Mandy.
Wow, my letters are so lengthy now. It's awesome. Sheesh, I need a more interesting character to write to.
Anyway, today I cleaned my room a bit. Well, more than I've ever cleaned it since I moved here, really. I feel accomplished, though I still have a lot more to do. But I'll get to it.
I also completely lack iniative to blog right now. Bye.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I can't sleep for the life of me. Nomnomgravol.
Day 16
Someone not in my province
Umm... Dear Christofer Drew,
I'm a real big fan of yours. Yes sir. Your music makes my heart do a little jig. You have this incredible mood-altering magic to you. I like it, very much. I died when you commented on my myspace. Keep the music coming. :3
ndfjkcnsdjfknfjkws
Can't sleeeeeeeep.
Today I went to the mall with two friends. I spent all my money on tapers. Weee, going from 18ga to 12ga. It's kind of addicting, I want to stretch them more. However, I don't think I'll stretch them more than 8ga. I don't want to get gross about it. :3 And I re-pierced the second hole. Not stretching those though, that'd be dumb. However, I must seek out some studs. I dig piercings. Maybe I'll get conch and helix done. Maybe. I guess that means I should start showing my ears, haha. Seriously, it's all I can think about right now. Laaaaame, I know.
Derrr, I'm in a good mood. I like it when I'm in a good mood. Life is good, isn't it? I might be finally hanging out with Rachel today. I miss her, holy geez. She's going to Calgary soon, I'll be sad ): Hopefully we'll hang out when she's back. Also, I just decided I'm not going to stretch my ears anymore. Unless I feel reeeaaally impulsive one day. NO. I'm going to save my impulsiveness for getting other things pierced. Yeah :3 Anyway. I need to make money. Humdiddlydum, I like music. And hair dye. But I just bleached mine, I can't do much to it for now. Hmmm. I love Sierra Kusterbeck. Oh my god guys, I guess that makes me a lesbian. Yeah, anyway. Did I mention I'm going to NYC in August? I'm going to NYC in August. I'm excited.
ndfjkdnfkjsndkjsf
I feel really hopeful right now, I don't know why. It's weird. I need sleep. I don't know what to blog about. I'm starting to feel sleepy, but I won't actually be able to fall asleep :/ I hate not being able to fall asleep. I'm sick of blogging, bye.
Day 16
Someone not in my province
Umm... Dear Christofer Drew,
I'm a real big fan of yours. Yes sir. Your music makes my heart do a little jig. You have this incredible mood-altering magic to you. I like it, very much. I died when you commented on my myspace. Keep the music coming. :3
ndfjkcnsdjfknfjkws
Can't sleeeeeeeep.
Today I went to the mall with two friends. I spent all my money on tapers. Weee, going from 18ga to 12ga. It's kind of addicting, I want to stretch them more. However, I don't think I'll stretch them more than 8ga. I don't want to get gross about it. :3 And I re-pierced the second hole. Not stretching those though, that'd be dumb. However, I must seek out some studs. I dig piercings. Maybe I'll get conch and helix done. Maybe. I guess that means I should start showing my ears, haha. Seriously, it's all I can think about right now. Laaaaame, I know.
Derrr, I'm in a good mood. I like it when I'm in a good mood. Life is good, isn't it? I might be finally hanging out with Rachel today. I miss her, holy geez. She's going to Calgary soon, I'll be sad ): Hopefully we'll hang out when she's back. Also, I just decided I'm not going to stretch my ears anymore. Unless I feel reeeaaally impulsive one day. NO. I'm going to save my impulsiveness for getting other things pierced. Yeah :3 Anyway. I need to make money. Humdiddlydum, I like music. And hair dye. But I just bleached mine, I can't do much to it for now. Hmmm. I love Sierra Kusterbeck. Oh my god guys, I guess that makes me a lesbian. Yeah, anyway. Did I mention I'm going to NYC in August? I'm going to NYC in August. I'm excited.
ndfjkdnfkjsndkjsf
I feel really hopeful right now, I don't know why. It's weird. I need sleep. I don't know what to blog about. I'm starting to feel sleepy, but I won't actually be able to fall asleep :/ I hate not being able to fall asleep. I'm sick of blogging, bye.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Day 15
I don't miss anyone too much right now. Sorry.
Cool, blogging.
So, yesterday was Jared's birthday. It started with the usual, Emily coming over at 7:30, us acting like idiots because we're tired as hell and didn't get enough sleep, then getting ready, then leaving for the day. We went to mandarin with Jared, and three of us his friends. One of them, I'm moderately well-acquainted with, another I've met twice and barely ever said a word to, and the other, new. Awesome. The friend I actually was kind of acquainted with was with us for the shortest amount of time. SUPER AWKWARD, AWESOMEEE. Then, the other friends left and it was the three of us, there was some trouble, and we ended up going for a drive to... well, outside London, I guess. Somewhere on the highway. Cool. Then we went back to his house and watched Hostile and hung out and yeah. Oh my god, I'm glad I'm home. I can't even remember the last time I was as awkward there as I was yesterday. Seriously, all I could think about was ripping my skin off. Ewwwwewewewew. Barfff. I keep thinking about it, and I just want to throw up. I haaaaaate myself. Well, parts of myself. I don't know. Ugh. Ick. I can't even get over it. I need to buy a new lighter.
fdsnkjnfdjkdeeeeeee, I'm gonna make friends. I'm gonna not be such a loser. :] No one cares about how awkward I am, so I'm over it.
KAWESOMEBYE.
I don't miss anyone too much right now. Sorry.
Cool, blogging.
So, yesterday was Jared's birthday. It started with the usual, Emily coming over at 7:30, us acting like idiots because we're tired as hell and didn't get enough sleep, then getting ready, then leaving for the day. We went to mandarin with Jared, and three of us his friends. One of them, I'm moderately well-acquainted with, another I've met twice and barely ever said a word to, and the other, new. Awesome. The friend I actually was kind of acquainted with was with us for the shortest amount of time. SUPER AWKWARD, AWESOMEEE. Then, the other friends left and it was the three of us, there was some trouble, and we ended up going for a drive to... well, outside London, I guess. Somewhere on the highway. Cool. Then we went back to his house and watched Hostile and hung out and yeah. Oh my god, I'm glad I'm home. I can't even remember the last time I was as awkward there as I was yesterday. Seriously, all I could think about was ripping my skin off. Ewwwwewewewew. Barfff. I keep thinking about it, and I just want to throw up. I haaaaaate myself. Well, parts of myself. I don't know. Ugh. Ick. I can't even get over it. I need to buy a new lighter.
fdsnkjnfdjkdeeeeeee, I'm gonna make friends. I'm gonna not be such a loser. :] No one cares about how awkward I am, so I'm over it.
KAWESOMEBYE.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Day 14
How could I choose just one person?
Umm... Dear Sam,
I chose you, because we used to always talk about drifting. We were afraid of it happening, because, y'know, we were besties. Nehh, I remember you saying "Maaandy, don't let us drift! D:" and I'd say "I won't let it happen if you don't let it happen!"
Guess what? We let it happen.
But, drifting is inevitable. We're still on great terms, happy, have friends... we're okay. (: We had good times, I'm sure we'll have more sometime. Thanks for being such a great friend last year. <3
I've come to realize I hate signing letters.
Eeeep, I have a lot on my mind. I think I'll go to sleep. Maybe I'll blog more thoroughly tomorrow. G'night internet.
How could I choose just one person?
Umm... Dear Sam,
I chose you, because we used to always talk about drifting. We were afraid of it happening, because, y'know, we were besties. Nehh, I remember you saying "Maaandy, don't let us drift! D:" and I'd say "I won't let it happen if you don't let it happen!"
Guess what? We let it happen.
But, drifting is inevitable. We're still on great terms, happy, have friends... we're okay. (: We had good times, I'm sure we'll have more sometime. Thanks for being such a great friend last year. <3
I've come to realize I hate signing letters.
Eeeep, I have a lot on my mind. I think I'll go to sleep. Maybe I'll blog more thoroughly tomorrow. G'night internet.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Day 13
I can't even think of anyone who I wish would forgive me. I'm not a bad person. I don't hurt people too often. If I did hurt you, and you haven't already forgiven me, there's probably a big reason behind that that prevents me from even wanting your forgiveness. Perhaps it's a two way street. Anyway, if you're holding a grudge against me, so be it. Life goes on. Maybe I hope all the fabulous people that I've accidentally given death glares to will forgive me. There, that.
On another note, I feel like shit. I'm incredibly paranoid and stressed out right now. I can safely blame that on the lack of sleep. So why is it 10:37 and I'm dead and awake? I don't know. I've just started hating sleep. No wait, I hate rejection. I hate it when my body rejects sleep, among other things. FSDNFJSKDNJKSDNKJNDKWENFIEIM. I feel so crappy, I need to sleep ): But I need to talk to people. I need to make friends. Fuck you Mandy, no one would want to make friends with you. Your cat's litter box is more interesting, and probably prettier too.
GUESS WHAT, I CAN KEEP A SECRET.
I can't even think of anyone who I wish would forgive me. I'm not a bad person. I don't hurt people too often. If I did hurt you, and you haven't already forgiven me, there's probably a big reason behind that that prevents me from even wanting your forgiveness. Perhaps it's a two way street. Anyway, if you're holding a grudge against me, so be it. Life goes on. Maybe I hope all the fabulous people that I've accidentally given death glares to will forgive me. There, that.
On another note, I feel like shit. I'm incredibly paranoid and stressed out right now. I can safely blame that on the lack of sleep. So why is it 10:37 and I'm dead and awake? I don't know. I've just started hating sleep. No wait, I hate rejection. I hate it when my body rejects sleep, among other things. FSDNFJSKDNJKSDNKJNDKWENFIEIM. I feel so crappy, I need to sleep ): But I need to talk to people. I need to make friends. Fuck you Mandy, no one would want to make friends with you. Your cat's litter box is more interesting, and probably prettier too.
GUESS WHAT, I CAN KEEP A SECRET.
Day 12
Someone I hate/ has caused me a lot of pain.
Well, you know I can't hate.
Dear Anonymous Person,
You have indeed caused me a lot of pain. Being friends with you was a bit like torture. I still clearly remember when we would talk on the phone till 4 am, and I'd be in tears the entire time. I'd have to put the phone down for a good five minutes to just... cry, really really horribly cry. I don't think I ever cried as hard as I did when I was friends with you. I cried all the time; before I went to sleep, shortly after waking up, halfway through meals, at school, in friends' washrooms, in public washrooms, at the park. It was sad. You made me sad.
I didn't understand you. I still don't. You made no sense to me. I still don't know if you intended to make me feel so fucking awful all the time. You claimed you didn't. You claimed you hurt more than I did. Is that why you threw yourself harshly into the pavement? Is that why you clawed yourself apart all night? Is that why you gave up on your school work? Is that what put you in the hospital?
You're an actor. Was it all an act? I don't know why I find it so hard to trust you. I've thought about it plenty of times, if the things I did made me a selfish person. Or was it you who was selfish? You made me feel disgusted with myself. You called me beautiful, but I had never felt sougly. You had so much trouble accepting the word 'no'. You always had to be right, didn't you? Being older made you so superior, didn't it? You're not confident, you're cocky. Truly cocky.
You said I was wonderful, but never wonderful enough, it seemed. You tried to persuade me to do things I didn't want to do. I remember one of your most commonly used reasons was "If you do this, you'll be more accepted with society." That's total bullshit. Your view on the world is truly fucked up. Also, you're horrible at making people feel better.
But I don't mean to make you sound like the bad guy. We didn't always have bad times. Only 80% of the time. But hell if I remember the other 20%. I know I hurt you, but I certainly couldn't help it. Our personalities don't mix well, okay? Stop associating with people like me. It won't work.
I've learned a lot though. I'm stronger now.
I still hurt sometimes. I might even still cry sometimes. But certainly not every day now. Not even every week. Everything that happened with us feels like a blur now. A really painful blur. Did you know that I never actually told ANYONE everything that happened with us? Never did, and I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not sure about a lot. All I know is, I never want to hurt that much ever again.
I'm strong enough to handle it, sure. It's not pleasant though. I'm glad you're gone.
I refuse to sign this letter.
The End.
Well, you know I can't hate.
Dear Anonymous Person,
You have indeed caused me a lot of pain. Being friends with you was a bit like torture. I still clearly remember when we would talk on the phone till 4 am, and I'd be in tears the entire time. I'd have to put the phone down for a good five minutes to just... cry, really really horribly cry. I don't think I ever cried as hard as I did when I was friends with you. I cried all the time; before I went to sleep, shortly after waking up, halfway through meals, at school, in friends' washrooms, in public washrooms, at the park. It was sad. You made me sad.
I didn't understand you. I still don't. You made no sense to me. I still don't know if you intended to make me feel so fucking awful all the time. You claimed you didn't. You claimed you hurt more than I did. Is that why you threw yourself harshly into the pavement? Is that why you clawed yourself apart all night? Is that why you gave up on your school work? Is that what put you in the hospital?
You're an actor. Was it all an act? I don't know why I find it so hard to trust you. I've thought about it plenty of times, if the things I did made me a selfish person. Or was it you who was selfish? You made me feel disgusted with myself. You called me beautiful, but I had never felt so
You said I was wonderful, but never wonderful enough, it seemed. You tried to persuade me to do things I didn't want to do. I remember one of your most commonly used reasons was "If you do this, you'll be more accepted with society." That's total bullshit. Your view on the world is truly fucked up. Also, you're horrible at making people feel better.
But I don't mean to make you sound like the bad guy. We didn't always have bad times. Only 80% of the time. But hell if I remember the other 20%. I know I hurt you, but I certainly couldn't help it. Our personalities don't mix well, okay? Stop associating with people like me. It won't work.
I've learned a lot though. I'm stronger now.
I still hurt sometimes. I might even still cry sometimes. But certainly not every day now. Not even every week. Everything that happened with us feels like a blur now. A really painful blur. Did you know that I never actually told ANYONE everything that happened with us? Never did, and I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not sure about a lot. All I know is, I never want to hurt that much ever again.
I'm strong enough to handle it, sure. It's not pleasant though. I'm glad you're gone.
I refuse to sign this letter.
The End.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Day 10
I wish I talked to my friend Alia more.
I know I already talked about this in my previous post, but I hung out with her a lot yesterday, and... y'know, we clicked. We're just relateable. She's honest and insightful. I can trust her. When I was with her, I wanted to tell her stuff, and I wanted to hear what she had to say. She was like... a good friend. And, I've been lacking that. I have friends of course, and I have people I can talk to. My bffl can easily be trusted, I know that. If I want to talk about something, he's typically the first person that comes to mind. I could talk to my other best friend, but I know she'll tell it all to another friend, and that friend will tell others. Actually, it's that way with all my friends, except one who I don't even talk to that much anymore. I could also talk to Jesus (not the one everyone prays to, mine) but... that's the thing. The only people I can talk to and trust are guys. I don't want to sound sexist, guys are wonderful, I'm so thankful for my bffl and Jesus, they're great people. But, y'know, every girl needs a female best friend. Well, not necessarily best friend, but a girl to talk to. Other than their mom. And one that they can actually trust. I used to have three, now I have one I never see, one I don't see as much, and one I can't trust. Wow, I've really rambled.
Anyway, Alia's great to talk to, and tons of fun.
Dear Alia,
I really admire your honesty. We have some great things in common, and I bet you have some good insight. You're a fun person, and I hope to see more of you. Also, I'm talking to you on msn right now. I guess I don't need to "wish" to talk to you more, because it's already happening. Go me.
From, Mandy.
I know I sound obsessed with the concept of making friends. I probably am.
Also, I just read my bffls latest entry, and I must say, I completely understand. I used to be a more busy person. I'd stay home and do nothing once a week basically. I'd be out kind of late, and lovin it. I don't do that anymore. I used to go to concerts, and it felt good. I could kind of move with the music, and scream until my lungs caught fire. I don't do that anymore. It's too much about the scene, for a lot of people. Fuck the scene, I want music. Anyway, group hangouts are scarce. I mostly just hang out with Emily, and sometimes another person is with us. And then once or twice a week I hangout with Jesus. Maybe I'm diminishing it, but I'm surely not like one friend. I swear she's never home for more than 4 hours, unless she's sleeping. Kind of envious of that. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel desperate to have friends. YES, I will consume mass amounts of alcohol with you, smoke myself to cancer, get in to a series of shenanigans, and then later find myself tagged in particularly bemeaning photos on Facebook. I'd absolutely love to, if only you'll promise we can do it again sometime soon.
Pathetic, isn't it? Could I really stoop so low?
No, of course not. That's no way to live, is it? Letting go of everything doesn't mean living life to the fullest, it means letting go of LIFE. Life isn't all fun, there's the serious aspect of it all as well, don't you think? My father died from that monster alcohol, I couldn't let myself sink like that. I've watched people fall apart because of drugs. The low isn't worth the high.
I wouldn't just be letting down the many people around me, I'd be letting down myself. I'd be disappointing my mother, spitting on my father's corpse, putting my brother to shame, losing my friends, the list goes on. Couldn't do that.
Surely I'm not the only person like this. Edge kids can have fun too, right? Of course they can, most people are just too ignorant to realize it. Perhaps I should arrange for a fire with some friends, or to go bowling. Yeah, that. Or, y'know, just simply playing with fire. IT'S FUN, OKAY?
So you can blow your peer pressure, rippin fat seshes, STIs and abortions, and forgotten drunken nights OUT OF YOUR ASS.
This was a long entry. Goodnight.
I wish I talked to my friend Alia more.
I know I already talked about this in my previous post, but I hung out with her a lot yesterday, and... y'know, we clicked. We're just relateable. She's honest and insightful. I can trust her. When I was with her, I wanted to tell her stuff, and I wanted to hear what she had to say. She was like... a good friend. And, I've been lacking that. I have friends of course, and I have people I can talk to. My bffl can easily be trusted, I know that. If I want to talk about something, he's typically the first person that comes to mind. I could talk to my other best friend, but I know she'll tell it all to another friend, and that friend will tell others. Actually, it's that way with all my friends, except one who I don't even talk to that much anymore. I could also talk to Jesus (not the one everyone prays to, mine) but... that's the thing. The only people I can talk to and trust are guys. I don't want to sound sexist, guys are wonderful, I'm so thankful for my bffl and Jesus, they're great people. But, y'know, every girl needs a female best friend. Well, not necessarily best friend, but a girl to talk to. Other than their mom. And one that they can actually trust. I used to have three, now I have one I never see, one I don't see as much, and one I can't trust. Wow, I've really rambled.
Anyway, Alia's great to talk to, and tons of fun.
Dear Alia,
I really admire your honesty. We have some great things in common, and I bet you have some good insight. You're a fun person, and I hope to see more of you. Also, I'm talking to you on msn right now. I guess I don't need to "wish" to talk to you more, because it's already happening. Go me.
From, Mandy.
I know I sound obsessed with the concept of making friends. I probably am.
Also, I just read my bffls latest entry, and I must say, I completely understand. I used to be a more busy person. I'd stay home and do nothing once a week basically. I'd be out kind of late, and lovin it. I don't do that anymore. I used to go to concerts, and it felt good. I could kind of move with the music, and scream until my lungs caught fire. I don't do that anymore. It's too much about the scene, for a lot of people. Fuck the scene, I want music. Anyway, group hangouts are scarce. I mostly just hang out with Emily, and sometimes another person is with us. And then once or twice a week I hangout with Jesus. Maybe I'm diminishing it, but I'm surely not like one friend. I swear she's never home for more than 4 hours, unless she's sleeping. Kind of envious of that. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel desperate to have friends. YES, I will consume mass amounts of alcohol with you, smoke myself to cancer, get in to a series of shenanigans, and then later find myself tagged in particularly bemeaning photos on Facebook. I'd absolutely love to, if only you'll promise we can do it again sometime soon.
Pathetic, isn't it? Could I really stoop so low?
No, of course not. That's no way to live, is it? Letting go of everything doesn't mean living life to the fullest, it means letting go of LIFE. Life isn't all fun, there's the serious aspect of it all as well, don't you think? My father died from that monster alcohol, I couldn't let myself sink like that. I've watched people fall apart because of drugs. The low isn't worth the high.
I wouldn't just be letting down the many people around me, I'd be letting down myself. I'd be disappointing my mother, spitting on my father's corpse, putting my brother to shame, losing my friends, the list goes on. Couldn't do that.
Surely I'm not the only person like this. Edge kids can have fun too, right? Of course they can, most people are just too ignorant to realize it. Perhaps I should arrange for a fire with some friends, or to go bowling. Yeah, that. Or, y'know, just simply playing with fire. IT'S FUN, OKAY?
So you can blow your peer pressure, rippin fat seshes, STIs and abortions, and forgotten drunken nights OUT OF YOUR ASS.
This was a long entry. Goodnight.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
152nd post
BIG DEAL BIG DEAL BIG DEALLL
Day 8
I wish I could meet a lot of people. But...
Dear Gerard Way,
You seem like a kickass guy. I can't even begin to fathom all the shit you've been through. You're inspiring, funny, real, talented, and... just really good. I love you, thank you for being you.
Short letters rock.
So, my friends don't even care about My Chemical Romance anymore. Too br00tal, cool, or indie for that shit, I guess. Oh well.
So I had a really amazing day. I hung out with Alexander and Sam first, and I really wish I could've stayed longer. Sam and I have drifted so much, it makes me want to rip my eyeballs out. 2 and a half hours is crappy. Soo not long enough. ): ): ):
Also, Alexander would make a fabulous tranny/hxc goth.
Then I went downtown with some people and watched them get pierced. Then we navigated to a mall, then back to our homeland. Soon it was just Emily, Alia and I and I loved it. I love Alia. Her and I have so much in common, I had no idea. I think I might even be able to hang out with her alone sometime. That's what I'm trying to do; hang out with people without Emily. She's trying too. It's weird. I need improvement.
That's all I can think about anymore. Improvement. My appearance needs improvement. My personality needs improvement. My bedroom needs improvement. My everything needs improvement. There just aren't enough hours in the day! I'm losing my mind. I need to sleep for like, a week. Now I want to cry, because I'm just so exhausted. ):
Now I want to go to bed, but I can't, and I can't sleep in anyway, and I need to die and sleep and clean and cry and make friends and see other friends and my former best friend makes no effort to hang out with me and I don't even think she likes me anymore and I don't even know if I like me anymore because I don't know who I am anymore because I'm so overtired and it makes me feel bipolar and I need more life and control and I hate you so much and I'll never get over all the things you did and I need a lighter and I need to see you suffer and I need candles and I need a new bed and I need improvement and I need to be better so much better and I need to see you suffer and I need to stab you and I need to be alone and I need to see you and I need to sleep and I need to do stupid harmful things and I need to improve myself and I need to stop thinking that harming is improving and I need to see you suffer and I need sleep. Run on sentences ftw.
K, goodnight.
Day 8
I wish I could meet a lot of people. But...
Dear Gerard Way,
You seem like a kickass guy. I can't even begin to fathom all the shit you've been through. You're inspiring, funny, real, talented, and... just really good. I love you, thank you for being you.
Short letters rock.
So, my friends don't even care about My Chemical Romance anymore. Too br00tal, cool, or indie for that shit, I guess. Oh well.
So I had a really amazing day. I hung out with Alexander and Sam first, and I really wish I could've stayed longer. Sam and I have drifted so much, it makes me want to rip my eyeballs out. 2 and a half hours is crappy. Soo not long enough. ): ): ):
Also, Alexander would make a fabulous tranny/hxc goth.
Then I went downtown with some people and watched them get pierced. Then we navigated to a mall, then back to our homeland. Soon it was just Emily, Alia and I and I loved it. I love Alia. Her and I have so much in common, I had no idea. I think I might even be able to hang out with her alone sometime. That's what I'm trying to do; hang out with people without Emily. She's trying too. It's weird. I need improvement.
That's all I can think about anymore. Improvement. My appearance needs improvement. My personality needs improvement. My bedroom needs improvement. My everything needs improvement. There just aren't enough hours in the day! I'm losing my mind. I need to sleep for like, a week. Now I want to cry, because I'm just so exhausted. ):
K, goodnight.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I hate actors who seem genuine.
I hate my ex girlfriend, though she's feminine.
I hate the singer with the denim shit.
I hate that hospital in Texas.
I hate the rapper in the Lexus.
I hate the pills I ate for breakfast.
I hate everyone.
I guess that everyone includes me, and that's why I'm a humanist.
I hate my brother for playing World of Warcraft. I hate my dog for being so hyper. I hate my cat for hating me. I hate the kids at school for ignorantly judging me. I hate myself for letting them. I hate my dad for dying. I hate the fucktard who got in the fucking car and decided to drive. I hate teenagers for trashing their lives. I hate the kid from Beal who gave his life for meth. I hate his acquaintances for not learning from his mistake. I hate my former best friend for being such a jerk. I hate my face for being so disgustingly shaped. I hate time for passsing so quickly. I hate papers for being so time consuming and boring. I hate myself for never sleeping anymore. I hate myself for a lot of things. I hate a lot of things.
...on opposite day.
I don't actually hate everything. I am not angry.
I luhh you gurl?
I hate my ex girlfriend, though she's feminine.
I hate the singer with the denim shit.
I hate that hospital in Texas.
I hate the rapper in the Lexus.
I hate the pills I ate for breakfast.
I hate everyone.
I guess that everyone includes me, and that's why I'm a humanist.
I hate my brother for playing World of Warcraft. I hate my dog for being so hyper. I hate my cat for hating me. I hate the kids at school for ignorantly judging me. I hate myself for letting them. I hate my dad for dying. I hate the fucktard who got in the fucking car and decided to drive. I hate teenagers for trashing their lives. I hate the kid from Beal who gave his life for meth. I hate his acquaintances for not learning from his mistake. I hate my former best friend for being such a jerk. I hate my face for being so disgustingly shaped. I hate time for passsing so quickly. I hate papers for being so time consuming and boring. I hate myself for never sleeping anymore. I hate myself for a lot of things. I hate a lot of things.
...on opposite day.
I don't actually hate everything. I am not angry.
I luhh you gurl?
Day 8
I don't really have any internet friends, nor do I really want any. Friendships are so much better in person. Online can be total shit. It's so much easier to lie and hide things, and you can't connect as well. Sorry, I'm not like my friends who live for that kind of thing. Though there is this one guy. I don't know, I wouldn't call him my friend, but he's the only person I talk to online.
Dear Asian Invasion,
I have no clue what your actual name is. You seem cool enough though, and really proud of your... asianness. Go, you. Let's talk some more.
Kbye.
-Mandy Kills
I don't really have any internet friends, nor do I really want any. Friendships are so much better in person. Online can be total shit. It's so much easier to lie and hide things, and you can't connect as well. Sorry, I'm not like my friends who live for that kind of thing. Though there is this one guy. I don't know, I wouldn't call him my friend, but he's the only person I talk to online.
Dear Asian Invasion,
I have no clue what your actual name is. You seem cool enough though, and really proud of your... asianness. Go, you. Let's talk some more.
Kbye.
-Mandy Kills
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 7
I do not have an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love. I do not remember my ex crushes. However, in grade 6 I was obsessed with Adam Lazzara, like a little fan girl.
Dear Adam Lazzara,
I was 11 and you were 25. I thought you were the most attractive human to ever grace this planet. Your voice made me swoon. I always watched that video of you and Fred acting silly on fuse whenever I felt down. It made me smile, and then giggle, even when I was originally frowning. I watched the MakeDamnSure video every day. One day I even watched it 27 times in a row. It comforted me. You and your band introduced me to good music and made me the person I am today. I still listen to you when I feel bad. Oh, and I was convinced we'd meet again when I was 18, older, prettier, taller, more mature, and you'd fall in love with me and we'd get married. I very nearly cried when you and Chauntelle got engaged. I hated her out of envy. 14 years and a fiance wasn't quite enough to crush my dreams. However, I got over you by grade 7. Something about reality setting in. Now I'm almost 4 years older, and you're married and have a son. I'm incredibly happy for you, and I listen to Eisley frequently. I respect you, a lot. Your music still comforts me, and that video of you and Fred acting silly on fuse still makes me smile. I appreciate you for more than your looks, but I still think you're incredibly attractive. I just don't have a ridiculous crush on you anymore. You're more like a hero or something. Anyway, bye.
-Your Biggest Fan
It turns out that I give an unhealthy amount of death glares to people that I don't know well. Awesome.
I do not have an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love. I do not remember my ex crushes. However, in grade 6 I was obsessed with Adam Lazzara, like a little fan girl.
Dear Adam Lazzara,
I was 11 and you were 25. I thought you were the most attractive human to ever grace this planet. Your voice made me swoon. I always watched that video of you and Fred acting silly on fuse whenever I felt down. It made me smile, and then giggle, even when I was originally frowning. I watched the MakeDamnSure video every day. One day I even watched it 27 times in a row. It comforted me. You and your band introduced me to good music and made me the person I am today. I still listen to you when I feel bad. Oh, and I was convinced we'd meet again when I was 18, older, prettier, taller, more mature, and you'd fall in love with me and we'd get married. I very nearly cried when you and Chauntelle got engaged. I hated her out of envy. 14 years and a fiance wasn't quite enough to crush my dreams. However, I got over you by grade 7. Something about reality setting in. Now I'm almost 4 years older, and you're married and have a son. I'm incredibly happy for you, and I listen to Eisley frequently. I respect you, a lot. Your music still comforts me, and that video of you and Fred acting silly on fuse still makes me smile. I appreciate you for more than your looks, but I still think you're incredibly attractive. I just don't have a ridiculous crush on you anymore. You're more like a hero or something. Anyway, bye.
-Your Biggest Fan
It turns out that I give an unhealthy amount of death glares to people that I don't know well. Awesome.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
So, I guess I'll write a letter after all. Day 6. I hope this sounds creepy.
Dear Stranger,
You're not really a stranger. Not to me. I've payed close attention to you for four years now. I used to check your myspace everyday. I'd leave you a comment about how amazing I think you are and how much I wish you would visit me. Acknowledge me. Reply to my comment. Anything. Please. You never did leave me a comment back. You say you read ALL your comments. If you do, why didn't you ever acknowledge mine? No, it's okay, I understand, you're busy. I love you regardlessly. You make me happy. You make me feel okay. You've helped me, more times than I can count. And once, I actually did get through. You visited me. We met. We shook hands. I didn't say much, because I was in awe. I doubt you remember me. I'd shit bricks if you did. You meet thousands of Mandys all the time. I guess you are a stranger, because I don't deeply know you. I don't know you any more than what you blog about, and include in your videos... and music. And you certainly don't know me. Maybe a bit, because of the comments I used to leave you. Isn't it funny though? How much you've impacted my life, and you don't even know it? Have I impacted your lives? Maybe. A tiny bit. Not in a memorable way, but that's okay. Anyway, I'm glad you exist.
You're my favourite strangers. -Mandy
Dear Stranger,
You're not really a stranger. Not to me. I've payed close attention to you for four years now. I used to check your myspace everyday. I'd leave you a comment about how amazing I think you are and how much I wish you would visit me. Acknowledge me. Reply to my comment. Anything. Please. You never did leave me a comment back. You say you read ALL your comments. If you do, why didn't you ever acknowledge mine? No, it's okay, I understand, you're busy. I love you regardlessly. You make me happy. You make me feel okay. You've helped me, more times than I can count. And once, I actually did get through. You visited me. We met. We shook hands. I didn't say much, because I was in awe. I doubt you remember me. I'd shit bricks if you did. You meet thousands of Mandys all the time. I guess you are a stranger, because I don't deeply know you. I don't know you any more than what you blog about, and include in your videos... and music. And you certainly don't know me. Maybe a bit, because of the comments I used to leave you. Isn't it funny though? How much you've impacted my life, and you don't even know it? Have I impacted your lives? Maybe. A tiny bit. Not in a memorable way, but that's okay. Anyway, I'm glad you exist.
You're my favourite strangers. -Mandy
Friday, July 9, 2010
The best day of my life so far.
My Day 6 (?) letter will be up in a bit. ANYWAY, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TODAY.
So, I woke up after two and a half hours of sleep, got ready, then Emily picked me up. We then went to Jared's, to get him and his friend Scott. Then, began the drive to Toronto. Emily and I didn't really know Scott, but it was surprisingly not too awkward, and he turned out to be a pretty cool person.
Also, I just realized I reak of weed. Awesome.
Anyway, eventually we go to FUCKING WARPED TOUR. It was raining, and the line up seemed endless. So, we waited in line to be allowed in. While we waited in line, I felt kind of anxious. Warped Tour is a breeding ground for scene kids, not even kidding. At least 3/4s of the people there were either reeaally brutal, or scene. Eventually, we got in, just a tad too damp, but who cares, right? We bought a schedule and went over to one of the five (?) stages. Parkway Drive was playing there last song which was good, but we weren't close to the stage at all. Then, Attack Attack! came out. They were incredible! And we were in the pit, so it was tons of fun, although pretty painful.
Also, think of Warped Tour as the Western Fair, except there's five stages and big spaces for crowds, and a crapload of booths. And it's fucking awesome. Bands are playing at almost all the stages at all times. Yes, there's A LOT of bands.
After Attack Attack!, Whitechapel came out. They're so fucking brutal. I kept a safe distance from the pit to avoid getting my bones shattered. Seriously, it's hardcore stuff. Scott was in the pit for every band. I don't know how he didn't die, though he did take a pretty bad blow to the face. After Whitechapel was Suicide Silence (also incredibly brutal), still at the same stage. After that, we weren't too interested in the other bands, so we walked around a bit, looking at booths and stuff. Actually, my memory is a bit hazy with the order, but I think I'm doing okay so far :P So, after that, we saw Enter Shikari at a different stage. They put on an INCREDIBLE live show. Jared and Scott were in the pit, so Emily and I lingered near, enjoying the show, went to the washroom, then came back for the last two songs. They were sooo good. After that, we kind of just sat for a bit, because they were dead from moshing. Then we went booth lurking some more. Scott went to see Bring Me The Horizon, while the three of us continued walking around. I went to the booth for Confide, a fabulous band, and bought a bracelet. It's black and says recover. I like it quite a bit. Anyway, right as we were heading away from the booth, Emily says
"OH MY GOD THE GUY FROM ATTACK ATTACK WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME AT THAT BOOTH"
So I look over, and he's still there! Emily and I LOVE Attack Attack, so we were pretty excited. We said hi and got pictures with him, the lead singer. It was fucking awesome, meeting someone who's such a big deal to us. After bands finish playing, they normally go to their own booth and sign and do meet and greets. However, the line ups for those can take hoourrs, and you miss a lot of bands, so we didn't do that. BUT WE MET HIM ANYWAY. It was sooo great. We continued to booth lurk, met the other singer in Attack Attack and got pictures with him, sat for a bit, and then met and got a picture with the lead singer of Breathe Carolina. Then, oh geez...
So, I told you about Suicide Silence, yes? Well, they're lead singer is A FUCKING BRUTAL FACEFUCK, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! And he was just biking around the area we were sitting at, then was talking to some people. Some girls got pictures with him (it took many requests and he wasn't too enthused at all), so we waited to talk to him. We waited for 15 minutes, and it was completely obvious that we wanted to talk to him. He pretended we weren't even there! But finally, he kind of pointed and acknowledged me, so I said "Hey, can-" THEN HE BIKED AWAY, LICKITY SPLIT. It's possible he was acknowledging someone behind us. But still, it was kind of rude. He wouldn't take 30 seconds to say to some fans who payed 60 bucks to see him. Awesome. :/
But oh well, I got over it :P So then we went back to a booth and I bought a versaemerge shirt that is most likely too big. But that's okay. Oh, versaemerge. They're one of my favourite bands right now, but they're not very brutal. Emily doesn't like them too much, and I'm almost certain Jared and Scott would greatly dislike them, so I didn't have anyone to see them with ): I figured I'd miss them completely, but guess what, I didn't! We went over to see Nevershoutnever, and we got there early to be close to the stage, and at the stage right beside where he was supposed to play, Versaemerge was on! So I saw their last two (or was it three?) songs, and was quite pleased. I love them.
So then we saw Nevershoutnever. WHAT A CHARACTER! He's so talented, and has remarkable stage prescence (ICANTSPELL). Also, he's an bottomless well of love. His songs were all about loving each other, and how amazing people are, and he said a billion times how much he loves us, and he's the kind of guy that... well, when he says it, you believe it. He's sooo fabulous, I almost cried when he played What Is Love?. Anyway, after him, we were done. There weren't any other bands we cared to see too much, so we began to leave. While we were leaving, I saw versaemerge doing a meet and greet. The line didn't look too bad, but I didn't want to keep the other three sticking around to meet a band they don't care for. So, that was a bit saddening, but that's okay.
BECAUSE TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This entry doesn't do it justice. And actually, I think I'll do the day 6 thing tomorrow. And day 7 as well. Bye now.
So, I woke up after two and a half hours of sleep, got ready, then Emily picked me up. We then went to Jared's, to get him and his friend Scott. Then, began the drive to Toronto. Emily and I didn't really know Scott, but it was surprisingly not too awkward, and he turned out to be a pretty cool person.
Also, I just realized I reak of weed. Awesome.
Anyway, eventually we go to FUCKING WARPED TOUR. It was raining, and the line up seemed endless. So, we waited in line to be allowed in. While we waited in line, I felt kind of anxious. Warped Tour is a breeding ground for scene kids, not even kidding. At least 3/4s of the people there were either reeaally brutal, or scene. Eventually, we got in, just a tad too damp, but who cares, right? We bought a schedule and went over to one of the five (?) stages. Parkway Drive was playing there last song which was good, but we weren't close to the stage at all. Then, Attack Attack! came out. They were incredible! And we were in the pit, so it was tons of fun, although pretty painful.
Also, think of Warped Tour as the Western Fair, except there's five stages and big spaces for crowds, and a crapload of booths. And it's fucking awesome. Bands are playing at almost all the stages at all times. Yes, there's A LOT of bands.
After Attack Attack!, Whitechapel came out. They're so fucking brutal. I kept a safe distance from the pit to avoid getting my bones shattered. Seriously, it's hardcore stuff. Scott was in the pit for every band. I don't know how he didn't die, though he did take a pretty bad blow to the face. After Whitechapel was Suicide Silence (also incredibly brutal), still at the same stage. After that, we weren't too interested in the other bands, so we walked around a bit, looking at booths and stuff. Actually, my memory is a bit hazy with the order, but I think I'm doing okay so far :P So, after that, we saw Enter Shikari at a different stage. They put on an INCREDIBLE live show. Jared and Scott were in the pit, so Emily and I lingered near, enjoying the show, went to the washroom, then came back for the last two songs. They were sooo good. After that, we kind of just sat for a bit, because they were dead from moshing. Then we went booth lurking some more. Scott went to see Bring Me The Horizon, while the three of us continued walking around. I went to the booth for Confide, a fabulous band, and bought a bracelet. It's black and says recover. I like it quite a bit. Anyway, right as we were heading away from the booth, Emily says
"OH MY GOD THE GUY FROM ATTACK ATTACK WAS RIGHT BESIDE ME AT THAT BOOTH"
So I look over, and he's still there! Emily and I LOVE Attack Attack, so we were pretty excited. We said hi and got pictures with him, the lead singer. It was fucking awesome, meeting someone who's such a big deal to us. After bands finish playing, they normally go to their own booth and sign and do meet and greets. However, the line ups for those can take hoourrs, and you miss a lot of bands, so we didn't do that. BUT WE MET HIM ANYWAY. It was sooo great. We continued to booth lurk, met the other singer in Attack Attack and got pictures with him, sat for a bit, and then met and got a picture with the lead singer of Breathe Carolina. Then, oh geez...
So, I told you about Suicide Silence, yes? Well, they're lead singer is A FUCKING BRUTAL FACEFUCK, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! And he was just biking around the area we were sitting at, then was talking to some people. Some girls got pictures with him (it took many requests and he wasn't too enthused at all), so we waited to talk to him. We waited for 15 minutes, and it was completely obvious that we wanted to talk to him. He pretended we weren't even there! But finally, he kind of pointed and acknowledged me, so I said "Hey, can-" THEN HE BIKED AWAY, LICKITY SPLIT. It's possible he was acknowledging someone behind us. But still, it was kind of rude. He wouldn't take 30 seconds to say to some fans who payed 60 bucks to see him. Awesome. :/
But oh well, I got over it :P So then we went back to a booth and I bought a versaemerge shirt that is most likely too big. But that's okay. Oh, versaemerge. They're one of my favourite bands right now, but they're not very brutal. Emily doesn't like them too much, and I'm almost certain Jared and Scott would greatly dislike them, so I didn't have anyone to see them with ): I figured I'd miss them completely, but guess what, I didn't! We went over to see Nevershoutnever, and we got there early to be close to the stage, and at the stage right beside where he was supposed to play, Versaemerge was on! So I saw their last two (or was it three?) songs, and was quite pleased. I love them.
So then we saw Nevershoutnever. WHAT A CHARACTER! He's so talented, and has remarkable stage prescence (ICANTSPELL). Also, he's an bottomless well of love. His songs were all about loving each other, and how amazing people are, and he said a billion times how much he loves us, and he's the kind of guy that... well, when he says it, you believe it. He's sooo fabulous, I almost cried when he played What Is Love?. Anyway, after him, we were done. There weren't any other bands we cared to see too much, so we began to leave. While we were leaving, I saw versaemerge doing a meet and greet. The line didn't look too bad, but I didn't want to keep the other three sticking around to meet a band they don't care for. So, that was a bit saddening, but that's okay.
BECAUSE TODAY WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This entry doesn't do it justice. And actually, I think I'll do the day 6 thing tomorrow. And day 7 as well. Bye now.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Silly me...
Who better to talk to about "stuff" than the person that the "stuff" involves?
I think I'm okay now.
Yeah. :D
I'm ready for Warped Tour. Sure, I'll be running on 4 hours of sleep, but that aside, I'M READY.
No lie.
*happy sigh*
:)
I always tell myself to shove back my anxieties and have a good time, loser.
I think that's a pretty decent thing to tell myself. xD Golden star work, I'd say.
KBYE
I think I'm okay now.
Yeah. :D
I'm ready for Warped Tour. Sure, I'll be running on 4 hours of sleep, but that aside, I'M READY.
No lie.
*happy sigh*
:)
I always tell myself to shove back my anxieties and have a good time, loser.
I think that's a pretty decent thing to tell myself. xD Golden star work, I'd say.
KBYE
Day 5
Dear Dreams,
You're not very interesting and just plain weird. Kind of stupid too. Some nights, you have your moments, but they're not that often. Can't you kick it up a notch? Be more entertaining like Emily's dreams? Be of some importance? No, I suppose you can't. It's my dream, what I dream about is up to me, right?
Funny how that sounds like a representation of my personality.
-Mandy
So, I continue to feel like shit. I wouldn't have felt like shit last night and today if I had actually had that conversation I hoped for the other day. I'm sure of it. And even if I'm not sure of it, I'll blame it on that.
Tomorrow's Warped Tour. I'm going with three people who are incredibly excited for it. I'm too busy feeling like shit, and feeling kind of anxious to really be excited. But if anyone asks, I'm so excited that my brain swelled up and is currently gushing out of my ears.
Whatever, I'll get over it.
I always get over it, don't I?
I'll get to sleep before 12 tonight, and tomorrow during the car ride there, I'll write really motivational letters to myself. I'll fake my happiness so much that I start to believe it. And then I will believe it. I always do that.
Kgreat, glad we established that.
Fuckyou.
-Mandy
P.S. About 90% of the time when I say "you", I'm not referring to whoever's reading this. When I blog, I pretend that I'm saying all this to a real human. Not a specific human though. Not even one that I know. Just thought I'd clear that up.
Dear Dreams,
You're not very interesting and just plain weird. Kind of stupid too. Some nights, you have your moments, but they're not that often. Can't you kick it up a notch? Be more entertaining like Emily's dreams? Be of some importance? No, I suppose you can't. It's my dream, what I dream about is up to me, right?
Funny how that sounds like a representation of my personality.
-Mandy
So, I continue to feel like shit. I wouldn't have felt like shit last night and today if I had actually had that conversation I hoped for the other day. I'm sure of it. And even if I'm not sure of it, I'll blame it on that.
Tomorrow's Warped Tour. I'm going with three people who are incredibly excited for it. I'm too busy feeling like shit, and feeling kind of anxious to really be excited. But if anyone asks, I'm so excited that my brain swelled up and is currently gushing out of my ears.
Whatever, I'll get over it.
I always get over it, don't I?
I'll get to sleep before 12 tonight, and tomorrow during the car ride there, I'll write really motivational letters to myself. I'll fake my happiness so much that I start to believe it. And then I will believe it. I always do that.
Kgreat, glad we established that.
Fuckyou.
-Mandy
P.S. About 90% of the time when I say "you", I'm not referring to whoever's reading this. When I blog, I pretend that I'm saying all this to a real human. Not a specific human though. Not even one that I know. Just thought I'd clear that up.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
hardcore fucking cookies!
Hey there blog, I'll be writing about my brother shortly, but first I gotta talk about my day.
So in the afternoon, I went over to a friend's house. We watched soccer then made hardcore cookies. Okay, they weren't that hardcore... but whatever. Then we saw a movie. Afterwards, we walked back to my house. I must say, I was let down. See, whenever my friend hangs out with another certain friend, she turns in to a cocky, heartless wench. Well, no, she's not as bad as I'm probably making her out to be. I still luhh her and all. But anyway, it sucks a bit. I wanted to talk about stuff, because we used to always have really good conversations walking home. I cherished those walks, y'know? But she doesn't care about much, so I figured it'd be stupid to bring it up. Err, it just... I don't know, it didn't feel like a good time to talk about it anymore. So now I've got these thoughts in my head, and I want to talk about them. But... well, when she went home, I sat in a gazeebo (pardon the possible spelling error) by my house and thought for a bit. I realized that my three best female friends... well, they're not there so much anymore. The one friend, she's not quite the same, so I don't really want to talk to her about it. It's not really something I would talk to her about anyway. My other friend, I don't see very much. I used to walk home with her too, or walk around in general, and we'd have really good conversations. But now whenever I hang out with her, it's never just us, so those conversations are so unlikely. And my other friend... she's not a big part of my life anymore. We drifted. It hurts. It's not like we're enemies or anything, we're far from that... but, y'know. And, although I do have another bffl, a great bffl actually, I don't know if I want to talk to him about something like that. We've never really talked about something like this before. I don't know. I guess there's other friends I could try talking to too, but I'm scared. That means letting more people in. I'M SO SCARED. I hate bringing things up. I'm such a private person. But, while I was thinking in the gazeebo, a wave of sadness hit me over this. I need my friends back ): ):
I NEED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC NOW, OTHERWISE I'LL CRY AND IT'LL SUCK.
Anyway, here goes that letter to my brother, lalalahjfnsdkjnfsk,
DAY 4.
Dear Taylor,
You're fucking awesome. I couldn't ask for a better brother. I guess some people don't like you, but I think you're great. Apparently you talk too much, but I'm glad you do. It evens things out. When we go to family things, you do a lot of the talking, and kind of encourage me to talk too. I certainly couldn't survive those gatherings without you. Also, you have pretty decent taste in music, and you're fashionably aware as well. It's pretty great, if I'm not sure about what I'm wearing, I can ask you if it looks alright. You normally say it does too, which makes feel better about myself. Also, you get my sense of humour! And you encourage me to socialize with your friends! You have some great friends. Although we get along pretty badly in the morning, that's okay. We're just not morning people. I know it doesn't seem like I appreciate you too much, but I really do. I'm so glad you're my brother :D
-Mandy
Okay, writing that letter helped me feel better. But I'm probably in for a rough night. Awesome. Whatever, I knew things were going too well lately. I need a little bit of sorrow to even things out, right? Right? Yeah. :)
Bye.
So in the afternoon, I went over to a friend's house. We watched soccer then made hardcore cookies. Okay, they weren't that hardcore... but whatever. Then we saw a movie. Afterwards, we walked back to my house. I must say, I was let down. See, whenever my friend hangs out with another certain friend, she turns in to a cocky, heartless wench. Well, no, she's not as bad as I'm probably making her out to be. I still luhh her and all. But anyway, it sucks a bit. I wanted to talk about stuff, because we used to always have really good conversations walking home. I cherished those walks, y'know? But she doesn't care about much, so I figured it'd be stupid to bring it up. Err, it just... I don't know, it didn't feel like a good time to talk about it anymore. So now I've got these thoughts in my head, and I want to talk about them. But... well, when she went home, I sat in a gazeebo (pardon the possible spelling error) by my house and thought for a bit. I realized that my three best female friends... well, they're not there so much anymore. The one friend, she's not quite the same, so I don't really want to talk to her about it. It's not really something I would talk to her about anyway. My other friend, I don't see very much. I used to walk home with her too, or walk around in general, and we'd have really good conversations. But now whenever I hang out with her, it's never just us, so those conversations are so unlikely. And my other friend... she's not a big part of my life anymore. We drifted. It hurts. It's not like we're enemies or anything, we're far from that... but, y'know. And, although I do have another bffl, a great bffl actually, I don't know if I want to talk to him about something like that. We've never really talked about something like this before. I don't know. I guess there's other friends I could try talking to too, but I'm scared. That means letting more people in. I'M SO SCARED. I hate bringing things up. I'm such a private person. But, while I was thinking in the gazeebo, a wave of sadness hit me over this. I need my friends back ): ):
I NEED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC NOW, OTHERWISE I'LL CRY AND IT'LL SUCK.
Anyway, here goes that letter to my brother, lalalahjfnsdkjnfsk,
DAY 4.
Dear Taylor,
You're fucking awesome. I couldn't ask for a better brother. I guess some people don't like you, but I think you're great. Apparently you talk too much, but I'm glad you do. It evens things out. When we go to family things, you do a lot of the talking, and kind of encourage me to talk too. I certainly couldn't survive those gatherings without you. Also, you have pretty decent taste in music, and you're fashionably aware as well. It's pretty great, if I'm not sure about what I'm wearing, I can ask you if it looks alright. You normally say it does too, which makes feel better about myself. Also, you get my sense of humour! And you encourage me to socialize with your friends! You have some great friends. Although we get along pretty badly in the morning, that's okay. We're just not morning people. I know it doesn't seem like I appreciate you too much, but I really do. I'm so glad you're my brother :D
-Mandy
Okay, writing that letter helped me feel better. But I'm probably in for a rough night. Awesome. Whatever, I knew things were going too well lately. I need a little bit of sorrow to even things out, right? Right? Yeah. :)
Bye.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
the new is in, the new is in.
Hey. So I've decided I won't skip any of the days, because that's weak. For me, anyway.
So first thing's first, today> it was pretty great. I just got back from seeing Toy Story 3. Oh my god, it was so good. It was intense, kind of funny, terribly upsetting, and incredibly happy. It was beeeaaaautiful :3
Now here goes the letters. DAY THREE.
Dear Mom,
I love you. I honestly couldn't ask for a better mother. You've raised me well, and you did it on your own too. You're a real hero. Sometimes, it's true, I feel a bit smothered, but I think that's the way it should be. I'd hate it if you were too slack, because then I'd run wild and expect everything to be handed to me. And you're still pretty easy going with things. I have the freedom I need, taking it all step by step, and I especially love how accepting you are. You encourage creativity and individuality. I'm sure I've let you down before, but believe me, I do try not to. I remember somewhere between grade 3 and 6, you fixed a barbeque and called yourself super mom, because that is typically "a man's job". I agree. You ARE supermom. I've learned how to stand on my own two feet because of you. You really do inspire me, and I'm so glad I've been able to spend my first almost 15 years with you. I honestly don't know what I would do without you, and I hope we always stay as close as we are now for years and years and years. I love you, Mama :3
Dear Father,
This is really difficult to write. You passed away when I was less than a year old. I guess some people could argue that you don't mean anything to me. For my own self, I think they're wrong. You gave me life. So much of me, comes directly from you. But, you're gone. I think about you a lot. I compare myself to my mother, and I always wonder if the traits she lacks, you had. But I'll never know. I hate thinking about you because I can never EVER reach a conclusion of any sort. It also upsets me how you left this world. You were far too young, and your death was unfair. Drunk driving. So cruel. That's affected me a lot too. As I'm getting older, I'm seeing alcohol and drugs around me more and more. Father, did you know that I've never been drunk? The only alcohol to ever enter me was a small sip of Mom's when I was younger and more curious. I decided at age 10 or so that I'm no fan of alcohol. Or maybe I made the decision a long time ago without really realizing it. I can't remember. Father, did you know I've never abused drugs before? Well, sometimes I take too many stress pills, but they can't possibly have a negative effect on me. I'm going in to grade 10 now, like I said, there's drugs and alcohol everywhere. I've even lost a few friends to drugs. One of my best friends gets drunk sometimes. And even though it's not often, I suspect she wishes it were. Really, at least half of my friends are in to alcohol. I'm told that most adults are too. This scares me. Maybe if everyone else lost their father like I lost you, they'd have a better understanding. I don't want to be too biased in believing alcohol is the root of all evil because, it isn't necessarily. Not all the time. But still, it scares me. I hope to avoid alcohol. I hope to think of it as honouring you, the important stranger in my life. Mom seems to only have bad things to say about you, so I never ask her about you anymore. You can't be as bad as she says you are, can you? I'm not part evil, am I? There's another conclusion I'll never reach. That said, bye Father.
There we go. If it strikes you as odd that I refer to the man that gave me birth as "Father", keep in mind that Father is the technical term of the male who's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg. Dad is stereotypically someone who teaches you how to ride a bike, picks you up from school, lets you bend rules and overprotects his daughter when she gets involved with boys. I don't really have a Dad unfortunately, though I know my mom tries her best to be both parents. Anyway.
I think I'll end this now. Writing felt good, just saying.
Bye now.
Oh, P.S. Guess who's dating Jesus Christ?... Yeah, that's right. :)
So first thing's first, today> it was pretty great. I just got back from seeing Toy Story 3. Oh my god, it was so good. It was intense, kind of funny, terribly upsetting, and incredibly happy. It was beeeaaaautiful :3
Now here goes the letters. DAY THREE.
Dear Mom,
I love you. I honestly couldn't ask for a better mother. You've raised me well, and you did it on your own too. You're a real hero. Sometimes, it's true, I feel a bit smothered, but I think that's the way it should be. I'd hate it if you were too slack, because then I'd run wild and expect everything to be handed to me. And you're still pretty easy going with things. I have the freedom I need, taking it all step by step, and I especially love how accepting you are. You encourage creativity and individuality. I'm sure I've let you down before, but believe me, I do try not to. I remember somewhere between grade 3 and 6, you fixed a barbeque and called yourself super mom, because that is typically "a man's job". I agree. You ARE supermom. I've learned how to stand on my own two feet because of you. You really do inspire me, and I'm so glad I've been able to spend my first almost 15 years with you. I honestly don't know what I would do without you, and I hope we always stay as close as we are now for years and years and years. I love you, Mama :3
Dear Father,
This is really difficult to write. You passed away when I was less than a year old. I guess some people could argue that you don't mean anything to me. For my own self, I think they're wrong. You gave me life. So much of me, comes directly from you. But, you're gone. I think about you a lot. I compare myself to my mother, and I always wonder if the traits she lacks, you had. But I'll never know. I hate thinking about you because I can never EVER reach a conclusion of any sort. It also upsets me how you left this world. You were far too young, and your death was unfair. Drunk driving. So cruel. That's affected me a lot too. As I'm getting older, I'm seeing alcohol and drugs around me more and more. Father, did you know that I've never been drunk? The only alcohol to ever enter me was a small sip of Mom's when I was younger and more curious. I decided at age 10 or so that I'm no fan of alcohol. Or maybe I made the decision a long time ago without really realizing it. I can't remember. Father, did you know I've never abused drugs before? Well, sometimes I take too many stress pills, but they can't possibly have a negative effect on me. I'm going in to grade 10 now, like I said, there's drugs and alcohol everywhere. I've even lost a few friends to drugs. One of my best friends gets drunk sometimes. And even though it's not often, I suspect she wishes it were. Really, at least half of my friends are in to alcohol. I'm told that most adults are too. This scares me. Maybe if everyone else lost their father like I lost you, they'd have a better understanding. I don't want to be too biased in believing alcohol is the root of all evil because, it isn't necessarily. Not all the time. But still, it scares me. I hope to avoid alcohol. I hope to think of it as honouring you, the important stranger in my life. Mom seems to only have bad things to say about you, so I never ask her about you anymore. You can't be as bad as she says you are, can you? I'm not part evil, am I? There's another conclusion I'll never reach. That said, bye Father.
There we go. If it strikes you as odd that I refer to the man that gave me birth as "Father", keep in mind that Father is the technical term of the male who's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg. Dad is stereotypically someone who teaches you how to ride a bike, picks you up from school, lets you bend rules and overprotects his daughter when she gets involved with boys. I don't really have a Dad unfortunately, though I know my mom tries her best to be both parents. Anyway.
I think I'll end this now. Writing felt good, just saying.
Bye now.
Oh, P.S. Guess who's dating Jesus Christ?... Yeah, that's right. :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
Hey. I'm skipping Day 2 of that thing.
Anyway, today is so overbearing. I didn't sleep at all last night, so I'm kind of weak. Yet here I am, 11:30, not showering then sleeping. I'm too tired to shower. But I can't sleep until I shower. Therefore, I'm just tiring myself out even more. Also, I need more music. Just sayin. No, I need sleep. nfckjdnfjksdnf
No, I need to write more. I guess I won't skip day 2. But I'm not posting it here.
Also, I've been lurking tumblrs A LOT. But I won't get one. No sir.
Also, DRAWING.
Also, goodbye.
UPDATE, I changed my mind. Day 2.
DearAdmiredPerson, I'mentirelyshockedthatsomeonelikeyouisnotdisgustedbysomeonelikeme. However, Iamnot complaining, asIenjoyyourcompany. And,Saturdaynightwas...reallygood.:)Icertainlylook forwardtoseeingyouagainsoon. Pleasexcusemyformalities. Thankyou,thatisall.
Pfffffft. Loser. :)
Anyway, today is so overbearing. I didn't sleep at all last night, so I'm kind of weak. Yet here I am, 11:30, not showering then sleeping. I'm too tired to shower. But I can't sleep until I shower. Therefore, I'm just tiring myself out even more. Also, I need more music. Just sayin. No, I need sleep. nfckjdnfjksdnf
No, I need to write more. I guess I won't skip day 2. But I'm not posting it here.
Also, I've been lurking tumblrs A LOT. But I won't get one. No sir.
Also, DRAWING.
Also, goodbye.
UPDATE, I changed my mind. Day 2.
DearAdmiredPerson, I'mentirelyshockedthatsomeonelikeyouisnotdisgustedbysomeonelikeme. However, Iamnot complaining, asIenjoyyourcompany. And,Saturdaynightwas...reallygood.:)Icertainlylook forwardtoseeingyouagainsoon. Pleasexcusemyformalities. Thankyou,thatisall.
Pfffffft. Loser. :)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Shoot, I got distracted >__>
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
I love to think, so I think I'll enjoy this. Although I'll possibly have to skip/ do a very poor job for some of these days, as the people don't really exist.
HERE'S DAY 1
Dear Emily,
Hi. I don't know what to say. We have a kind of weird friendship. We've been best friends for 11 years. We have a great understanding of each other. But we get along so strangely. We're both really stubborn, so we're not always happy with each other. Or maybe that's just me. I think the main thing is, I'm just too damn jealous of you. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. I couldn't bear to... y'know... not be friends. We have so much fun together, it's the best. We hang out all the time and I never really get sick of you. Our inside jokes could almost be a whole new language. I can talk to you, without thinking. You're always there, and even when you're not because you were "barfing" that day or whatever, I get a new perspective which is helpful and insightful in it's own way. Also, I love how helpful you've been lately. Because I'm kind of getting less self conscious. It's fucking awesome. Anyway, I can't picture life without you. :3 And, I doubt you read my blog anymore. But hey, no complaints over here. :P I bet I could say waaaaaay more, but let's keep it kind of simple. So, bye. :)
And to my other bffl, you know who you are :)
I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. First of all, you're a really great friend. You're really honest and, well, yourself. I have no trouble talking to you, and I think it's the same for you. I feel like we have a lot in common too. And I'm still so greatful that you decided to be my friend in the bnorth days. You sure made things a whole lot easier, and you still kinda do that now. It's just great, knowing I've always got a friend like you around. Also, I trust you. You're really a good person, and thank you :) Bye now.
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
I love to think, so I think I'll enjoy this. Although I'll possibly have to skip/ do a very poor job for some of these days, as the people don't really exist.
HERE'S DAY 1
Dear Emily,
Hi. I don't know what to say. We have a kind of weird friendship. We've been best friends for 11 years. We have a great understanding of each other. But we get along so strangely. We're both really stubborn, so we're not always happy with each other. Or maybe that's just me. I think the main thing is, I'm just too damn jealous of you. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. I couldn't bear to... y'know... not be friends. We have so much fun together, it's the best. We hang out all the time and I never really get sick of you. Our inside jokes could almost be a whole new language. I can talk to you, without thinking. You're always there, and even when you're not because you were "barfing" that day or whatever, I get a new perspective which is helpful and insightful in it's own way. Also, I love how helpful you've been lately. Because I'm kind of getting less self conscious. It's fucking awesome. Anyway, I can't picture life without you. :3 And, I doubt you read my blog anymore. But hey, no complaints over here. :P I bet I could say waaaaaay more, but let's keep it kind of simple. So, bye. :)
And to my other bffl, you know who you are :)
I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. First of all, you're a really great friend. You're really honest and, well, yourself. I have no trouble talking to you, and I think it's the same for you. I feel like we have a lot in common too. And I'm still so greatful that you decided to be my friend in the bnorth days. You sure made things a whole lot easier, and you still kinda do that now. It's just great, knowing I've always got a friend like you around. Also, I trust you. You're really a good person, and thank you :) Bye now.
So right now, I need sleep but there's a million other things I want to do need to do but they just don't happen.
Nehh, Paper Bag and reading? We're okaaay
Oh, wait, maybe I'll think a bit.
I felt like I was in a movie, looking back. Hmm.
Hahaha, yesssss. I just skimmed through that previous post I posted, the one about changing my perspective or whatever. "saturday>korrin's party>socializingmustbedone>endingverdictisnotcertain" Just sayin', I quite liked the ending verdict.
This week calls for more shopping with motherdearest tomorrow, a movie about toys of the talking sort, hanging out in the earlier hours with a truly good friend, hanging out with someone new, WARPED FUCKING TOUR, another social gathering, and uncertainty of the rest of the week's happenings. (:
Cool, I'm going to go do some stuff, then maybe I won't feel so sick, then maybe I'll sleep but I can't sleep too much, won't sleep too much, Goodnight
Nehh, Paper Bag and reading? We're okaaay
Oh, wait, maybe I'll think a bit.
I felt like I was in a movie, looking back. Hmm.
Hahaha, yesssss. I just skimmed through that previous post I posted, the one about changing my perspective or whatever. "saturday>korrin's party>socializingmustbedone>endingverdictisnotcertain" Just sayin', I quite liked the ending verdict.
This week calls for more shopping with motherdearest tomorrow, a movie about toys of the talking sort, hanging out in the earlier hours with a truly good friend, hanging out with someone new, WARPED FUCKING TOUR, another social gathering, and uncertainty of the rest of the week's happenings. (:
Cool, I'm going to go do some stuff, then maybe I won't feel so sick, then maybe I'll sleep but I can't sleep too much, won't sleep too much, Goodnight
Friday, July 2, 2010
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag.
fjnsdkjnfksd, 'cause I know I'm a mess he don't want to clean up, asrfdghI gotto fold, 'causethesehands are tooo shakey tohold, Hunger hurts, but starving works, whenitcoststoomuchtoRIPYOURFACEOFFFFF.
"I don't feel so good, don't feel justified..."
-"It's all in your head"
"So's everything..."
Sup Fiona Apple, 4R3n'T ! s3333ww h!P$744A!?~
prom pride was really great.
"I don't feel so good, don't feel justified..."
-"It's all in your head"
"So's everything..."
Sup Fiona Apple, 4R3n'T ! s3333ww h!P$744A!?~
prom pride was really great.
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