Hello there.
It has to be said... 2010!
I pressed cap locks, even though there's no letters in 2010.


I'll tell you about the party I went to, because I don't want to forget it. :)

So, first things first, in the previous entry where I said how stoked I was... LIE. All day I had been an anxious mess on the inside. Then Marcus came to drive me there, and I was really freaking out. So what did I do? I kept thinking "easy peasy pumpkin pie, motherfucker". Gerard said that once... for some reason, I find it helpful. Kind of strange, but whatever. Anyway, I got there 10 minutes later than I thought because we had trouble finding the house, which I was glad. But then we found it, and I was a very scared little girl. He pulled into the driveway, and I just sat there and said "I don't want to go..."

THEN. A bunch of people came running outside to see who was there? That was my chance. I said bye and got out of the car, swarmed by my acquantainces, and some new faces. Hugs, too. So, I was introduced, and then we went upstairs. Awkward, but bearable. Then outside. Snowball fights and snowmen? It was fun. Then inside. Then Korrin came. My little saviour. I played the role of static cling for a while. The party branched off into clicks a bit, but I didn't mind. Too many people can make for unneeded chaos. Oh well. It was fun. At one point, I even ended up in the closet, lights off, with Korrin and two others? I think it was still pretty cool. 10 o'clock was when things pulled themselves together. The clicks all got together (except for the one I was with) and watched a sing a long movie. Cute. I chatted with Alyssia and Jamie, while Korrin worked out some issues. Oh, and I played Kerplunk too. It's not my forte. Then Korrin and Sky joined us, and slowly, so did everyone else, in the dungeonlike basement. We all sat around in a big jolly circle (with two exceptions) and just... were being epic, discussing 2009 and 2010. It was good. Then we counted down the seconds and, y'know. Yelled and jumped and hugged. Then we toasted (non-alcholic :]) and got a group photo. Then- my favourite part of the evening- I conversed with someone. They told me something that many people are constantly telling me the exact opposite of. We had a really good conversation, and he really enlightened me. I can't even quite fathom how... great it was? You wouldn't know. Also, I spoke to someone I'd never spoken to before. Then, I sat in a not so round circle, and talked a bit, but mostly just pondered what I'd just been told. I was also realizing how much I'd fail to pay much attention to a newer friend of mine. I feel pretty horrible about that. So then I went to go find Korrin and Sky. My evening ended hanging around in Veronika's room, and saying goodbye to people.

This entry will fail to mention how glad I really am that I attended. The content feeling I have about all of this is... well, it's a feeling. Words won't capture it, but I know I won't forget it.

Oh, and I have two resolutions? The first one, you'll never know. The second one, is to not feel like a failure if number one falls through. It's okay to fail. Both are going extremely well, so far.


That's enough for tonight. Goodnight. :)

I LOST THIS ENTRY THEN FOUND IT. YAY.

cute, isn't it?

The sound of money, the sound of pain; makes me start thinking I'm better off insane. She's so tired that she hardly speaks. You can tell she lost her one true love. So now we write each other back and forth just to find some meaning in the girl. These hurtful words, there hurtful names... I know that you planned out this way. I can't stop thinking that you broke my mind. Was it worth it now? With your hands in your pockets you're crying out, "I am nothing without this". You know you're just a kid, with nothing up ahead, except for years and year of tears and lies. You'll break your heart almost everytime.

Anyway, I'm going to a new years party tonight. I don't actually know the person who's house it's at. But I'm pretty stoked. Hooray for social opportunities? Soooooo stoked. Yep. Kbye.

Hi world. I don't know, I figured it'd been a while.
I did previously post details of my Christmas... then I took it down, just because I can. Basically, my holidays have consisted of hanging out with Emily, and talking to new friends. Basically. New Years is finally here, and I'm a bit of a mess. Did I mention it came back?

It came back.

Thank you, and good night.

you'll rebel to anything as long as it's not challenging.

I had an amazing Christmas. Details later.

---------------------------------------------
You don't mean it.
You need a uniform so you won't be ignored. You are affected and so you're accepted. It's time you invested in a bottle of poison so we don't have to hear about you bitching and moaning. You think you could afford a fuckin bottle of asprin? Boo fuckin hoo, you're not the only one whose life's a piece of shit, and yet miraculously somehow we all seem to deal with it. Did anybody think that you would really seriously slit your wrists? In fact, I think that everybody thinks you're seriously full of shit.
You don't mean it.
You think you're saying something relevant as you connect the dots. You never realized you have to get in line to suck a cock. You're telling me that fifty million screaming fans are never wrong? I'm telling you that fifty million screaming fans are fucking morons.
You don't mean it.
---------------------------------------------

(: Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror.

it's that time again.

Christmas is upon us once again.
This year, I must admit, I'm in a much better place. Not physically, of course. This time last year I was sitting in this same corner of my room, actually, writing to my livejournal. And now an entire year has gone by. It kind of feels like nothing has changed, and it hasn't been that long.
But that's so incorrect, it's laughable, isn't it? Laughable? I don't think that's a word.
2009 has had many changes. The loss of the 3 friends, and gaining more friends than I ever would have guessed. My family has two new additions, and thankfully, we haven't lost any this year. We're going through hard times right now, but we went through some of the best earlier on this year. I don't look the same anymore. I've grown up, learned things, and made a few mistakes along the way. I'm learning what people to accept and what people to... I don't want to say exclude... more like, stay away from. I'm learning more about people, and their personalities, and understanding them much better. I hate this; I'm so cheesy. But all of this is true.

2009, you've been painful. It can easily be said that you've been my most painful year yet. But, you sure aren't failing to shed a bit of light towards your ending. I have high hopes for 2010. :)

Tomorrow is Christmas. I'm pretty excited, and I've got a strong case of Christmas cheer upon me right now. Hope all is well for all of you (not that I'm too sure anyone reads this anymore) and you have a truley good day. ^______^

Bye for now.

hey moon,

please forget to fall down.

Lately,
I've been

talking

too much.
Like now. Goodbye.

the past mistakes that brought you here will break the fall for you, my dear.

Hi world who is not actually the world.
Yesterday I had another day that was so fail, it was win.
I hung out around the library and drank coffee and what not during the a.m., then I took THE NO-LONGER ON STRIKE AND TEMPORARILY FREE CITY BUSES to a mall with Sam, aka super rad nugget child. Fuck, I can't type today. Anyway, I bought my friend some shizz for christmas, then we wandered around and got a genius idea. Let's bus on over to Sam's epic friends' house! Huzzah! So we did. They weren't home, but it was lots of fun anyway. I don't feel like going into detail. Uhh. We watched The Nightmare Before Christmas? Lovely. I just lost my want to blog.

However, there's two pieces of mail upstairs with my name on them, and I've got an armful of presents to wrap. I'm loving the whole "Christmas holidays" thing. Bye.

I'm still not sleeping.

Hey there. My day has been bipolar. I'll fill you in.
So, first I woke up on time and everything. Got ready. Went to school. Drank coffee. Was social. Typical good morning. Geography consisted of The Santa Clause. In between Geography and Religion things got bad. Real bad. Really, really bad. Not gonna say what it was. So I was fighting back tears during the ten minutes of Religion. Then we had our Christmas assembly. I forced myself to make small talk. I wonder if it was obvious how not okay I was. Whatever. I sat down with some really amazing people, who I'm somehow luckily acquainted with. But that's when I couldn't keep it together anymore. I was shaking as bad as I always did in 8th grade. I cried. A lot. It was horrible. No one noticed though. Except for one thing. It was really nice how much she cared, so I decided to get my act together and tack on that fake smile of mine. I lied to her though. Not good. I lied to her and said I was fine. I wasn't.
The assembly ended, and I went back to class. I took deep breaths and watched our school's FNN. It was good. Really funny. Well done, school.
Then I went to lunch. Majority of my friends went to another friends' house. I was invited too, but I didn't feel like going, so I hung out with two friends. Then, as previously decided I said "Fuck it, I'm skipping" and well... skipped. During fourth lunch I hung out with Emily and a new friend. He's rad. I also hung around some other kids for a bit. Then fourth lunch ended and I'm all "OH NO I HAVE NO FRIENDS I FAIL" but then Mr Rad Friend Person said I could hang out with him. Yay for not being a loner for 45 minutes. So I hung out with him and a bunch of grade 12's who I don't really know. It was good. Then I went home with Emily, and Nicole came too. My crappy feelings returned, but instead I decided to write them on my arm instead of have a freak out. Yay.

Then we went to a concert. Things got bad. Really, really bad. I ran outside and cried for half an hour. Then I cried inside for another half hour. Then I realized how lucky I really am, and how spectacular my friends really are. I love them so much, you can't even imagine. I need to show my thanks! I said thanks... I guess all I can do is be amazing to them. I NEED SLEEP.

vfsmacedankdndrb.

Hello there.
CRAP, I JUST REALIZED WHAT TIME IT IS.
Oh well, what's another sleepless night? :D (Did I mention for the past 2 weeks I've only been getting 4 hours of sleep each night? For the past 2 weeks I've only been getting 4 hours of sleep each night. I am thankful for coffee.)
I've had a very busy week, so I'll just jump right in to it.

MONDAY ^^
Okay, Monday was my non-busy day. Although Monday was my incr- I already blogged about Monday.
TUESDAY.
Tuesday was off uniform. I enjoy off uniform. I enjoy freedom of appearance. Crap, I feel tired. It was also mass. Although I'm not one for religion, mass is always a good thing because it shortens all classes to 45 minutes. Rad. Then I went to see THE USED (also Three Days Grace + Default) concert. Berrrtttttt. Jephhh. Quin, Dan? :D Oh god, they were good. And bonus I got killed in the pit. Yay :D I love concerts beyond your belief.
WEDNESDAY.
Wednesday wasn't tooooo thrilling. Pretty typical day, but still okayish. Afterwards, I went to a Christmas banquet with Emily, Korrin and Ciara. It was really nice and classy. A truely lovely evening. :)
TODAY. Today was good. Geography, I got my test back. 51%. Nice. We watched The Grinch. Religion we watched a video about surviving high school. I feel lame for saying this, but it really touched my heart. Oh, and I caught up on sleep. Then came drama, which blah, there's this guy... he bothers me. He does things specifically to annoy me, but not out of hatred or anything. Nonetheless, it's annoying. I don't like drama very much, but oh well. Then math. We had a test. I'm not too confident. Afterwards I deuniformized and went to the GSA party. YAY. I got to know everyone in it a bit or a lot better. Afterwards, I walked into my semi-homeland with Emily, Korrin, Alyssia, Lauren and Kristin. GOOOOOOOOD TIMES. Hahaha. And major bonus, I even got to visit Sam :D

Upcoming.
Tomorrow I have 30 minutes of Geography, 30 minutes of Religion, and a wonderous Christmas assembly. Then I'm SUPPOSED to have 75 minutes of Drama and no Math, but I don't freaking care, I'm skipping drama. Yay :) Then, I'm going back to Emily's with Korrin and Nicole, then off to a concert. MORE MOSHING AND BRUISES FTW. And also, a LOT of wonderful friends are attending. It's guaranteed to be an amazing night. Especially because I get to see Sam again :D I kinda don't see her enough, really, so this is a very wonderful change. My Saturday consists of haircuts, libraries, and more outings with Sam. HURRAY.

Life is good. <3

P.S. I guess this entry is a bit boring. My apologies.

Angst and suffering, You cannot be real. Erase you I shall, Along with everything I feel. Never deserving of anything above, Always that haunted second best. Bid farewells to any former hope,
Drop titles and forget the rest. Long forgotten friends? Rivet my soul to such a list. For it's the undeniable honesty; I live in a world where trust does not exist.

In sight and out of mind, I shall forget your whispering screams. Screams of pain, or for...? Attention, by all means. I said a lot of things, But surely you spoke too. And forever so crystal clear, I won't rescue you from the Blue. Apologies turned ancient, Freedom seeming rare as can be. And lives now shifted all around, But bound from this rope is no longer me.

It is not that for her I do not care. It is more so that no reason nor rhyme, Could ever have envisioned such a way... A way to rid the girl from such a crime. Belief and hope, It's not something to be found. It should just be in plain view. We don't have days to waste with looking around. Be with us or be not, Live life or take your flight. But think ahead, for then you'll see, It's gravity you just can't fight.

---
SUCK IT.
I'm having a crazy busy week. More later.

life on mars

It's a God awful small affair to the girl with the mousey hair. But her mummy is yelling, "No!"and her daddy has told her to go. But her friend is no where to be seen. Now she walks through her sunken dream to the seats with the clearest view, and she's hooked to the silver screen. But the film is a saddening bore, for she's lived it ten times or more.

I want my insides to catch fire. But I'll go play with a lighter instead.

I feel the need to mention that last night I got two hours of sleep. That's an hour less than I hoped I would magically get, but oh well. I wrote poetry? That alone was probably the highlight of my weekend.

Anyway, back to Monday. Today was hell.
It started out the usual. Go to school, hang around with a friend who could be argued to not actually be a friend, go to my locker, feel immensely let down, hopeless, uncomfortable and horribly discontent as I stand around with people who could even more easily be argued to not actually be friends. Yeah, fun. I kind of just walked away after a few minutes. It's okay though, because I bet my left middle toe that they didn't even notice. GO MANDY.

I walked to Geography alone. I sat in my seat and pulled out my notebook. I wrote things that I had planned to post here, but am clearly not posting. Um, we're learning about the history of London. It's interesting enough to keep me awake, at least. Or maybe that was the coffee... Religion was typical religion. Now we're reflecting on our emotions or something like that? My ISP is due tomorrow and I'm surprisingly nearly finished. At lunch I sat on the floor in front of my locker reading Impulse because... *bites lip* whatfuckingever. When I finally stood up after 45 fidgitless minutes, my feet felt like sponges. Well actually, I couldn't feel them. But my legs felt like sponges. I can't explain it! I went to Drama to isolate myself, then jump through hoops. Fun. Math... I'm not retarded, I'm just getting a 63. Oh, and bonus, I'm shutting out pretty much everyone now. It's probably for the best.

With every glance and annoying voice today, I wanted more and more to scream. With every scream, I wanted more and more to cry. And with every tear? Well that much stays behind closed doors, thanks.

And I just lost the game. Kbye.

P.S. If I post again tonight, expect something filled with sorrow and pessimisticness. Tomorrow's off uniform, mass and The Used concert. Therefore, tomorrow is supposed to be a very good day. I'm trying to get all the negativity out tonight, so I can just enjoy tomorrow. And if that doesn't work, at least I can FUCKING MOSH IT ALL OUT IN THE PIT, BITCHES. :D Bye. Really.

My 30 hours of meltdown...

have ended.
Now I need a distraction.
Take me away from deceased ones, failing situations, and painful memories.

Sleep won't come tonight. Drawings could? I dream of a world where words could come easier.

Bye now.

Typical.

Of COURSE, you would say that.
Of COURSE, you would do that.
Of COURSE, that would happen.
Of COURSE, it would be during this time.
Of COURSE, we would relive this.
Of COURSE, the possibility is met again.
Of COURSE, old lessons are forgotten.
Of COURSE, we make the same mistakes.
Of COURSE, I would post this in my blog.
Of COURSE, it would be irrelevant.
Of COURSE, my itunes shuffle would have such a song play at such a time.

Irony, I so loathe you.

Uh. I could almost feel guilty. I do feel guilty.
Who did I always talk to about stuff like this? I talked to you.
I'm not sure it helped, but it was something.

Disregard me. I'm in my typical state of post-angst, before the stomach acid sets in. Then I get all distrait, and nothing makes sense anymore.

Fuck. Night.

all i need is arts and crafts.

Hello.
I haven't actually blogged in a bit, so I guess I'll do that.

I don't really know what to tell you about Monday and Tuesday. I was sick, and tired, and verging miserable, and I slept through my religion ISP. That wasn't wise at all.
Wednesday I stayed home sick. I was in need of a schoolless school day.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I was up till 1:30. Although, I started getting ready then, and therefore had barely anything to do to get ready when I awoke just after 6. I even had time to make tea. :D I still adore tea. I got to school lovely-ly. But... my real friends weren't at school. That sounds mean. "Real friends". I was still with a group of people. They're all people I can call friends. But, I can't let them in, and I can't completely be myself around them, and I'm not too sure how much they really care, and I'm aware this is a run on sentence. So I felt horrible. I went to Geography and then left to get my admit slip. I took the long route all everywhere upstairs then across the entire main floor to get to Attendance office. Mostly because I really felt horrible. I was fighting back tears. Codependant? Maybe just a little bit. Anyway, I survived the rest of geography, unheard and unseen and not really caring either way.

BUT THEN :D
Turns out at least Emily was in fact at school. My day got about 30% better when I saw her. I worked hard on my Religion ISP and it's nearing completion. That's incredibly good seeing as I've only been present and conscious for 1.7 of the 4 classes we've been given so far. I then walked Emily to her next class, and saw my other friend was in fact at school. She's the one I eat lunch with. Well, her and other people. But she's the main person. :)

Um, during drama we watched auditions for some Christmas thingy my school is doing. Turns out, there's more wonderful people at my school than I thought. I was in awe. Oh, and drama has actually been progressively getting better. I've done my fair share of tableaus in front of my class, and I'm not afraid to talk to just about anyone in that class now. GOOD.

Math, I was late. My teacher usually gives detentions to those who are late... but she didn't say a word when I came in. Then she gave out candy canes and pencils. I was in shock. Delighted shock.

My day ended it's usual way. I went home and drank tea. Today has been good.

In other news, I've started drawing again. I'm so glad I've finally refound inspiration. It's a great feeling; looking at something you've created and actually liking it. Also, I got invited to a New Years Party. Huzzah, it's a social life! See? I'm not always a failure.

Two semi anonymous things to lead me to a conclusion:

Someone who I was almost certain was losing a lot of interest and care for me just showed me how completely wrong I was to think that. Although they're going through a hard time right now, I can't help but be a little bit happy they haven't let go. Now that I know where they really stand, I'll do everything I can to be the friend I once was to them. ^_______^

I don't know why, but I absolutely adore you. I have a great quantity of respect for you, too. It's really weird. You're not normally someone I would think so highly of, but really, you're wonderful. I'm glad I know you. ^____^

Happy faces are happy.
I've got a great bunch of friends. As long as I have them, I know I'll make it through.

PARDON CHEESYNESS AND POOR WRITING SKILLS,
It's been a while, alright?

Goodnight.

but the NUNS are watching...

I kind of just want to erase you.
I don't mean like that... like making you not exist... like taking an eraser to your face and... y'know... erasing you.
FEeling numb has never felt so fulfilling.
Yes, I am aware of the unecessary capitalized E up there. I just like it there. But this sentence makes it seem

redundant,
like most of this has been.

We're okay, goodbye.

simple enough.

(I have seen sinking ships)
This is side one,
(go down with more grace than you)
Flip me over,
(You can thank your lucky stars)
I know I'm not your favourite record.
(everything I ask for)
But the songs you grow to like
(will never come true.)
never stick at first.

So I'm writing you a chorus, and here is your verse.

Oh hello.
Let's blog, okay?
Let's start with last night. I stayed up later than intended, and woke up almost every hour. I finally got up at 5:30 and got ready and stuff.
I didn't look horrible today :3
Umm... the morning was nice. I was... acceptable in social society. That's a horribley formed sentence. In geography, we just watched Spiderman 3. I LOVE the Spiderman movies. Really.
Religion was whatever. Fine. Lunch was cool. I was social, and Nicole skipped. :D
Drama was good. Patrick and I debated things? I guess we're cool.
Oh, I forgot math. Screw math, it's not interesting.
I don't know, it was just a good school day though, when I was so sure it wouldn't be.
I went home. My brother's friend is over. He's on the level though.
I got dressed up, complete with a dress and everything, then went to a tea party at Emily's. I met a really incredible Jeffree Star look alike. He was also completely baked, and out of his mind. Fun stuff. Fun stories. My throat burns from inhaling and exhaling pizza.
Haha, whaaat?
I don't know.
I don't feel like going in to detail about everything.
But my day has been really, REALLY wonderful.
I love weekends.

Bye.

weekend warriors, and our best friends..

HELLO.
Today hasn't been the greatest. Actually, it hasn't been great at all. But I'm not feeling too down.
Uhh... I didn't wake up til 7 this morning... because my brother didn't wake up til 7... and I'm not self reliant... so I walked to school. Gross. It was icy, and I kept falling. Damn.
Religion was good. We did stuff about... ourselves... which I can do... and we learned chinese numbers too... cool, I guess.
This week the schedule is all messed up. Period 6 becomes period 3, and THEN period 3, 4 and 5 happen. So if you have 5th lunch, you could leave at 1:30 if you want.
Except I have 3rd lunch. No getting out early for me, no sir.
So, after Releyegon, I went to Math. Math in the morning is not good. No sir, not good at all. I can never stay awake during my morning classes, and Math is the one class I'm not doing amazingly in. Though, I'm doing a bit better. Anyway, it passed by slowly and mockingly. We had a substitute. I don't like her.
Then, I had lunch. Lunch sucked. Enough said.
Then I went to Drama, my last class of the day. It wasn't much better.
We got out early... I sat with "friends". I failed hardcore.
I went home. I felt like crap. But sometimes people can make things better, even if just for seven minutes.

Oh well.

Um... let's end this with something optimistic... for once...

the writers weren't kidding, but the good things will live in our hearts?
yeah, the academy is...

notitle, notitle

Insomnia. Not even.
Some weak, mocking form of such.
Bright red numbers: 10:30, 11:27, 12:38, 2:03,
3 in the morning.
#@!%

Oh hello.
That last post? Haha...
Did I mention you have the incredible ability to make the sun shine?
Because you do. You really do.
Uhh. Things are decent again.
I had a wonderful afternoon.

I don't ever want to let these things fall away.

I don't see things looking up anytime soon, if at all. I just don't.

Lover Dearest,

This place is a hole, and I don't want to go. I wish we could stay here forever alone. This time that we waste, but I still love your taste. Don't let him take my place, don't just sit there.
Sometimes I wish you would leave me.
I'm not sick of you yet. Is this as good as it gets?
I'll just say it, or I could slip into you, it's so easy to come back into you. I stand for awhile, and waited for words. It seemed to not hurt and struggled to try. My tongue's turning black, but I'll take you back. You're still the best, more or less, I guess. ...I guess.
Don't you leave me. It hurts me to say that it hurts me to stay. And it might be alright if you go. It hurts me to say that I want you to stay, but it might be alright if you go. So leave me. I'll just try to hide it, or I could slip into you. It's so easy to come back into you.
Sometimes I think that the bitter in you, and the quitter in me is better than the both of us.

starved to death in a land of plenty?

i must confess; i'm in love with my own sins.

Urg.
I feel incredibly uneasy, in a way I can't describe.
Go gash out your insides, then weave some broken glass into a wetsuit. Put it on and roll around on the pavement for a bit, until you fall into the pool of alcohol. Follow these events with an eternity's worth of painkillers.
Inform me of your feelings, and I'll introduce them to mine.
...Not that I'm upset about anything, or troubled.
Everything is fine. Everything is great.
I think I know.

Today I hung out with Rachel. We're nerds. We watched Fight Club. Truly wonderful.
...People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.
I found out something funny as well.
There's some interesting rumours going around.
1) I'm a total stoner. 2) I did defamatory things with someone.
Yeah, go fuck yourselves, okay?

I want to go to sleep, but I can't.
I'm being submerged in obsessive thoughts that I'd prefer to be dismissive.
Literacy, I'm on my way...
Goodnight.

P.S. I hope you're all living happy, wholesome lives. :]

i'm right here, so come out and say it.

Helfuckinglo.
Be warned, I'm cursing a lot tonight.
Uhh, I don't remember yesterday.
Today was nice. I have acquaintances in drama now. Yay drama. (y)
Speaking of which, I'm supposed to be working on a poster for drama right now, but I'm not going to, because I don't care. I'll do it tomorrow during class and when I come home, OKAY!? Don't scold me, I've been busy today.
Oh, here's the highlight of my day- he walks over to me and says "Hello friend" and tries to hug me. I sidestep away from him. I forget what he said, but then he tried to hug me again. Then stupid me... "OHHH. Hey. Sorry." *hugs* followed by an awkward Mandy face. :P
I WASN'T BEING A MEANER, I THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING TO TALK TO SOMEONE BEHIND ME.
Hahahha, EPIC FAIL. :D Oh well.
^That wasn't even toooo fail. Know what that means? I'M getting less fail. :)
I wasn't pretty non-travestylike today, actually. I'm proud.
Oh, here's some bad news.
My friend got kicked out of her house. D:
This is the third time in two months that I've had a friend get kicked out of their house, and the second time I've had a friend wandering the streets in the evening, not knowing where they're going to sleep, and not really having anywhere go.
Fucking sucks. I'm so incredibly thankful that I live in a secure household, with loving, secure people. I'm so glad that majority of my friends don't have this problem. I would so hate to be stuck in such a situation.

So I just did some math homework. Read my conversation with my math homework?
*reads question 15* Draw a diagram to find... YOU KNOW WHAT, MATH!? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'M SKIPPING YOU. LEAVE ME ALONEEE.
Out loud, as well. Aren't I great?

Kay, I need some sleep. Dying isn't fun.

Dream of fucking cannibals, okay?
Night.

Oh how wrong was I?
Today has been quite the extraordinary day, really.
After my post of negativity, I talked to Rachel. It's nice letting things out.
Then I got ready. I wore the clothes I wouldn't normally. My hair looked just the way I wanted it. I went outside and took a picture of the glorious weather we have today. I then decided I could use a new book.
From there, I set off on my leisurely walk into town. My ipod died on me half way, but I really didn't mind. I got to the library in decent time and searched high and low for a book to strike my interest. And aha! I found one. I won't tell you the title, however I feel I'll be able to relate to it very well with some aspects.
I took that out, and payed off my mere fine (oops, due dates.) and decided to go to The Little Red Rooster. (Roster? I don't remember.) I ordered a tea, not really knowing why, or if it would even taste good. I can't even remember what type of tea it was. However, I took a sip and fell in love. It was absolutely incredible. I shall be drinking much more tea in the near future.
I then headed home; tea in hand, book in panda.
I thought, and thought, and thought. I pondered many thoughts. Here are just a few of them:
I thought about how much happier I am now. I took note of my sudden posture improvement. I felt thankful for the fact that my mind and body are not tainted with obscure substances and considerably dangerous beverages. I took in every detail of my neighbourhood. The trees, still considerably lacking, but so beautiful; the welcoming breeze; the many shades in the sky.

There are no words. Goodbye.

my head's in heaven, my soles are in hell...

Snore. Today is quite boring.
I'm feeling pretty disonnant. I don't know if that spelling is correct, and it's bugging me, but I don't feel like looking it up.
I feel this way because... well I don't want to talk directly about it.
Let's see...
Nope. I can't find any non-obvious way to talk about this. Apparently, I'm out of practice.
Oh well. Fall Out Boy and hardcore shit playing loudly tends to make this a lot better.
Anyway, I can't find any friends today, so I'm kind of just alone.
I think I'll walk around today, and maybe watch a movie with my mother later.
Yeah. That sounds fine.
Maybe I'll catch a movie with some people tomorrow...

My mind's wandering. Bye.

Oh hello.
Long time no write.
Well, it hasn't been that long.
I'd fill you in on the days that you missed, but I don't feel like it. Nothing really happened.
Let's just talk about today.
Today has been truly amazing.
I have friends. A real, legitimate, plentyful amount of friends.
Yeah. It's amazing what happiness and slight confidence can do to a person.
I talked so much today, I was almost at the regular standard of shy, possibly even greater than that.
Anyway, details...
So... I woke up lateish. Oh well. Got ready mostly. Entered my friend's mother's car. Went to school. Went the washroom. Applied makeup. Washed my hands. Went to my locker. Arranged crap for five minutes until friends arrived. No screw it, I don't even remember this morning...
First period... we just watched Twister. I didn't actually watch it though, because I was drawing a picture of Emily eating babies.
That class was only 45 minutes. Then I went to Religion. I made an escape route with some friends for meeting up again. My religion teacher read a prayer, snore. Then we went to an assembly. Well, first it was a pep rally. I sat with friends. :}
The assembly was about Invisible Children. Have you heard of it? If not, it's about children being kidnapped and enslaved as soldiers. Basically, we work to free them. Great cause.
Next I sat through another dreadful 45 minutes of Religion, then went to lunch. Lunch was fine. My friend screamed the most bloodcurdling scream, and the forum of 1/3 of our school went completely silent for about 5 seconds. Then about 30 people came running over. She told them all it was me. I went along with it, because it was funny.
Uhh... then I went to drama. Drama was good, as per usual. I'm getting the tiniest bit more comfortable around all of them. It's pretty great.
Then math. My class sucks. They never stfu, so we get in trouble a lot. Oh well. We had a surprise mini-quiz. I'd bet 3 toes that I got no more than 2/4. I would've gotten more if not for my classmates. Oh well.
Then I went back to my locker and met up with some friends. They witnessed a brief amount of hyper Mandy. Very brief. :3
Then Emily and I de-uniformized in the bathroom, and rejoined our friends. Yeah, that's right. FRIENDS. :D
Another friend from another school joined us, and we all hung out outside for three hours. Just... listening to hardcore rad music... watching some dancing skills... admiring franci. It was really great. Then half of them left, leaving five of us. We walked to Timmy's and ate, because none of us had eaten all day and it was 5 o'clock. We talked, got emotional, got rad, and walked back to school. We wandered around the school being happy and wonderful, and then one friend went to go play in the concert band. We attended our school's music night. Actually, half the time we were just running around the school...

Fun night, fun night. :)

I refuse to start this blog with any form of a greeting. Let's just jump right into it.

YESTERDAY WAS QUITE GOOD.
First, I woke up on timeish. Therefore, I looked decent. Except I was having issues with my kilt, and didn't have time to put makeup. However, I normally get to school early, so I had plenty of time to fix that. (y)
Hello, decency.
Next came the usual morning socialization with the normal kids who are rad, and I can't believe I'm actually friends with them more or less.
Then came geography. We watched the weather channel and filled out a sheet. Easy peasy. Even better; I didn't feel tired. I didn't talk to anyone. Oh well.
Then Religion. Uhh... some random bible shit. I don't know. I have a test Wednesday. I'm not worried, Religion is simple.
THEN... OH GOODY.
So I went to lunch. Did I mention my off-uniform epicness? I wore skinnies under my kilt, and a non-uniform shirt under my sweater. I'm proud; I'm getting somewhere. But I forgot socks, so it was awkward. (N) Oh well. Anyway, I went to go sit with my friends. Yes, I just called them friends. Crazy.
Oh, and Emily skipped, so she ate lunch with us as well.
And then, I skipped music. So, Emily and I had all three lunches. That's over 2 hours of freedom and epicness. During fourth lunch, we hung out with these other people who I feel awkward referring to as friends because I don't believe we're there yet. xD STILL. I like feeling like I exist. Even just a bit.
Did I mention during third I was really being myself? Finally, being myself. In front of all those people... this is what we call progress.
Fifth lunch was kind of a bore. We walked around and pretty much just did nothing. Then we ran into two friends, so we walked around with them, talking about Goldenboys. Hahah.
Next I went to Math. We had a test, and I'm not too sure how well I did. I hope I at least passed this time.

After school, ladidah. I talked with people for a bit, then completed my uniform deformation and walked over to my best friend's school. I was pretty intimidated at first, being at that school, surrounded by all it's students... it's like I thought they could sense my STAness. But they couldn't, and it wasn't scary. Alexander showed up beside me all of a sudden, and we went to take the bus back to Byron. Buses are awkward. Not normally, but that one was. Eventually our stop came, we got off the bus, and started walking home. It was nice. He's wonderful. Ladidah.

I went home, grabbed a book, and went to go babysit. The kids were hyper, and troublesome, but they're kids... so that's just the usual. I'm definitely not having kids when I'm older. If anything at all, I might want to adopt a teenager. But, yeah. I just don't like kids too much.

That's pretty much the end of my day.
Now I'm lying on a couch, wanting to make tea, wanting to get ready, wanting to have plans for today, wondering what my friends are all doing today, thinking of other ideas.
Good enough. Bye.

This Is My Alexander Inspired Post.

Oh hi. I feel the need to write. I'm hoping this will encourage more decent writing on my part, once this entry is finished.
Todaytodaytoday. Would you like to know about today?
First, I just want you to know I'm listening to Mandy Goes to Med School by The Dresden Dolls. I like them.

So first off, I woke up on time. On time enough. 5:55 am. I didn't get up though, because... that's just no good. My mom came in. I don't know what she was doing. Attempting to clean my room? I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure she went through my backpack a bit ago. Mother, if you're looking for my deepest, darkest secrets... you won't find them, I promise you. :)
I could be wrong though. My room is normally a mess anyway. I wouldn't blame her for wanting it to be a tad tidier. And bonus, she found my chapstick. :3

Anyway, after she left, I got out of bed. It must have been about 5 after 6. I think I got distracted somehow, because next thing I knew, it was 6:30 and I hadn't started straightening my hair yet. Oh well, it's all in moderation.

I was dressed, and hair-straightened by 6:54 am. Good timing. Then I went upstairs to drink my breakfast, because my brother wasn't out of the washroom yet. 6:58 am. Back downstairs. My brother was out of the washroom, so I went in to apply some not-actually makeup. More good timing. I was done getting ready by 7:18 am. I grabbed my fully charged phone, went upstairs, packed my backpack, put on my shoes, opened and closed my garage and sat on the front steps waiting for my friend. Her mom drives us most mornings. I'm glad, because it gives me an extra five minutes in the morning. I don't spend those five minutes sleeping, I spend them being ready, because normally when I take the bus I'm almost five minutes late and having to sprint to the bus stop anyway. Gawsh, I'm boring.

We arrived at school and stood in the forum for a bit. She talked to the people we spend our mornings with. I don't even know all their names, but it's okay. We're just morning acquaintances. Then we went upstairs to her locker, because it was only 7:38 and no one else had really arrived yet. She did whatever she does in her locker, then we walked down to my locker. I put my bag away but didn't put my purple splat sweater away, because I like it too much. Unfortunately, the teachers do not, and it's not uncommon for them to remind me. Oh uniform school, you make it so fun to "rebel". I said bye to one friend, and hello to another. We went to her locker.

Luckily, her locker is only about 20 down the hall from mine. I like her locker. I like our hallway. I like it a lot. Just... because. It's convenient.

Two more friends arrived, and I went to talk to them. Yes, legit friends. They don't intimidate me. Three other people arrived as well. I don't know who one of them was, but oh well. Slowly we all wandered our way down the hall to two other people. Eventually, we become a big pack. Or, they do. I stand beside them, but I don't dare utter a word. I have nothing valid to say and if I do, it's irrelevant, and unheard. That's just how it is. The bell goes, warning us we've got five minutes to get to class. I go back to my locker to grab my binder and notebook, double checking that my ipod is safely inside. I then go to meet up with two friends (legitimately) and we walk upstairs. Our homeroom classes are all conveniently very close to each other. I say goodbye to one, as she enters the wonderful world of Science. Wonderful for her, anyways. It's her best subject. My friend and I continue to my Geography classroom. She's not in that class, but she comes with me anyways so I don't have to be alone. We talk, and the bell rings, and she scurries off to her class, not far from mine. I walk into my own classroom. I do not say hello or goodmorning to any classmates. I do not even make eye contact. Instead, I take down my chair, sit in it, and pull out my notebook and a pen.

O Canada plays. I stand at attention, watching my reflection in the TV monitor. I feel awkward, and fiddle with my hands. I feel like all eyes are on me, even though I know for certain they are not. Again, I go unnoticed. Our school chaplain tells a religious story once our national anthem ends. I cannot tell you what the story was about, because I didn't listen to it. He says the usual "In name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." I watch people in the TVs reflection as they all cross their hearts and begin to pray. (Did I mention I go to a catholic school?) I, however, do not cross my heart, or even acknowledge the fact that a prayer is being read. Why would I? I do not believe in such mendacity. We sit down. I absent-mindedly doodle and write. We watch a video about Great Lakes and Glaciation that I didn't take in. We filled in answers, on some blanks on a worksheet. We watched... TRANSFORMERS. :3 I like Transformers. It's a good movie.

Bell rings.

I walk down the hall to meet up with my friends. We go downstairs, pass our lockers, pass the forum, and I even pass my classroom to keep walking with them to their other classrooms. Then I say goodbye, and turn back. I walk back to my classroom, Rell-eye-gon. The bell rings before I'm even back in the correct hallway. I show up late, but I couldn't care less. My teacher seems a bit perturbed. The announcements are read, though I didn't hear them. Maybe I should have.

We take up some work from a previous class. Stuff about the commandments. Lucky for me, I have an appointmence with my guidance counsellor. I slip out of class at 10 o'clock and head down to the Guidance office. I sign in and take a seat, waiting. I listen, and recognize the voices in an office with an open door. Those are the voices of my guidance counsellor, and one of my best friends. She's doing better in science, needs to hand in a form, blah blah blah... I wasn't eavesdropping, I swear. Eventually, my time came, and I went in.

First thing is first: AWKWARD. She's really one for eye contact. I had to keep staring over her shoulder to avoid her seeing into my soul. However, there happened to be a semi-decent anime drawing on the bulletin board behind her. I love anime.

She just wanted to "touch base" about how things are going for me. I told her I have no friends, laughoutloud. We established that I should join the newspaper club. I guess I will; wanting to be a journalist and all. Blahblahblah. I left and went back to religion. I missed something we were supposed to copy, and I was supposed to get it from someone else, but I didn't bother, because I don't care about the Beatitudes and I already have plenty of information about them.

Religion ended eventually, and I went to lunch. Well no, first I went to put my stuff in my locker and get my lunch. Fact: I don't actually eat at lunch. I just bring my lunch bag so I can hide my phone. I met up with some friends, and we went to the washroom. Then we went to our usual corner outside the cafeteria because it annoys the commissioner, and the cafeteria just isn't right for us. Another friend joined us. I spent most of my lunch texting my friend at another school, watching my friends creep all the pictures on my phone, laughing at my friend who was suffocating herself with a bag and rubber gloves, and listening to Craig Owens telling us to "think of us, on the bus". Yeah, you could definitely say lunch is my favourite time of the day.

Eventually, I made it to music class. I was late, of course. I set up my lime green clarinet and choked out some well-played notes. That was an odd sentence... I do not particularly enjoy playing clarinet, so lucky for me, my last music class is this week. We played Beethoven's Ninth, First Slide, and Stand By Me. I didn't mess up.

Music ended. I went back to my locker to put back my clarinet and get my math textbook, which led to my being late for Math class; last class of the day. I sat at my desk, watched as the teacher explained the weekend's homework. I even took in some of it. I started on today's homework. I didn't understand a lot of it, so I'll be asking my brother for assistance today. There's not much too say about my last two classes of the day. They're never very interesting, but they go by fast, and serve as a happy reminder that I've completed yet another day in grade nine.

I walked back to my locker, packed up my bag, and put on my sweater. I pulled out my phone and replied to some texts. I went with Emily over to the pack of epic children whom I do not fit in with, nor do I really exist around. We walked to our buses. I got on mine and went home.

I'll spare you the other details. I am truley sorry if you actually read all of this. It may have been wise to have warned you of the boredom that follows.
And oh, here comes the randomocity...

I'm sorry I can't be that person you want me to be, nor can I be that friend you thought I was. I am not the one you want. I will only let you down. I wish I were better, all the time. But it's not as easy as one two three four. You know who you are.

Ta ta.

my radness ran away and joined the circus.

How should I say, that I never wanted anything to change? If I rearrange the pieces of a broken down faith... do you believe in me? Because I'm not sure I believe in anything... anymore.

Pick up the pieces and make me understand.
Losing all demand, I've broken all my plans.
This year was a disaster.

What should I do, when I never thought anything would come true.
The solution for the broken down abuse...
I'm waiting for the fading floor to let me fall on through.
I'm getting closer to letting go of you.

What you don't know will only make this worse. I walked on the ledge. I saw the edge of my future.
Being held back by the past.
This year was a disaster.

fact: i didn't write this. sorry.

so many kids, but i only see you...

and I don't think you notice me. I'm not the way you think I am.

HELLO OUT THEREEE.
I tried to post yesterday. I really did, but it didn't work.
So I'll post about Monday, because I'm feeling talky.
Okayokayokay, so... wait, no. I did post about Monday...
It's Tuesday I'm missing. I'm all mixed up, haha.
Tuesday... OH, IT WAS OFF UNIFORM DAY.
Right. Right. Off uniform. I enjoy off uniform. I wore a purple tutu? :D
I also got made fun of, a little worse than usual. But that's okay, because they're just ignorant little badwords.
And, I learned more of Blackbird. I am so unbelievably slow, but I'm GETTING THERE, okay?

Today, being Wednesday, wasn't much to talk about.
I'm still pretty much the lamest child in life.
But hey, a brave smile and some texts from Rachel get me through the day, so oh well.

-

I want to pull a Noelle.

hahahaha.

mandy quit failing.
be better.

i don't know

I want to post, I want to let things out.
But I can't.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
I can't talk about it.
I can't get lost in my memories I have, and the memories I lack.
I can't, I can't, I can't.

She doesn't feel, she doesn't feel, she doesn't feel.

i won't let you fall away from me.

Dearest My Darling Blogspot,
Today was a pretty great day. Geography was the ordinary, except it was slightly worse because I didn't have the beautiful gift of music streaming through my ears. I mean, who doesn't like to listen to Jimmy Urine reminding them not to talk about my fucking boyfriend, whilst trying to list some grid coordinates? I like it...
Religion was slightly different than usual though, because somebody actually said hi to me. Well, I think they did. I'm 90% sure they did. Because they looked at me, and they're mouth opened, and a noise came out that resembled the word "hi". I mean, I could be wrong. Anywho, I tried to utter a "hello" back. I'm not too sure if they heard it, but oh well. Oh, and when they walked away, I most definitely did not pull out my trusty notebook and start doodling and writing failurelike poetry about how amazing it is to be acknowledged. No sir, I most definitely did not. Not me, Mandy, in room 120something at approximately 9:28 am. (:
Uhh. Lunch was cool. Korrin has fun ways of eating things.
Music... ehh, music. I don't like music very much. But drama is coming up. I'm looking forward to this.
Math... math was better. I have a test on Wednesday, and I might actually throw together a 70. Or at least a 60 would be cool.
Haha. Uhhh. I hung out with a sexilicious chicken tonight. It was pretty great. And I have a new goal? I must say hi to The Dark Knight or The Sorcerer (preferably both) sometime THIS WEEK. No. That's a high expectation. That, or...
I don't want to post about this anymore.

I have math homework to do now. Oh, guess what? I started getting ready for school at 1am this morning. I know, I know, I am just so totally boss, thank you.
I neeeeeeeeeeeed sleep. But I am not going to acquire it, because sleep is for the weak.
Party till you pass out, drink till your dead. Dance all night till you can't feel your legs. (y)
HALLELUJAH FOR MANDY HAVING A SOCIAL LIFE THIS WEEKEND.

Seriously, I'm going to do that math homework now...

Goodbye.

Hello there.
Today, I saw Zombieland. An amazing movie, it truly was.
My friends screamed. I laughed hysterically.
:D
Oh, and yay for meeting new people? (y)

Uhh... there's nothing I really want to talk about tonight.
That said, have a safe evening. Those are so hard to come by these days.

Goodnight.

i want to live a life of a new perspective.

(But you're not letting me.)
Who cares? Divine intervention.

I can barely remember today. I slept during all my classes. During Religion, I was writing, and I fell asleep mid-sentence but my hand kept writing the sentence. I woke up with squiggles all over my page that looked nothing like words. I guess sleep writing isn't an easy task. Still, it was pretty amazing that I managed to accomplish that. Even more? I fell asleep during MUSIC. Music class. Really. Drums, woodwinds, and brass instruments blaring throughout the room. How does one sleep through that? I even slept at lunch! I don't know why I was so impossibly tired today. I went to sleep at 12:30 last night. That's not too bad. Oh, and I've just noticed that this thing is four hours behind. So when I post this, it will probably say 5 something. But it's actually 9:43. (:

I really love school. I can actually escape my problems. They don't follow me. I'm surrounded by some of the most wonderful people I've been lucky enough to meet. I still don't have friends in my classes, and I only have four friends in my GRADE, but it's really okay. I just don't think I'm much like them. I'm sure they're good people, but we're probably just not compatible.

I really hope I can fall asleep early tonight. I definitely want to be hyper tomorrow. Not hyper, just very awake, and more Mandylike. It's just more fun.

GAWH, I feel so comfortable with myself at school, it's the greatest thing in the world. I even met some ignorant fbombs today, and the disgraceful things they yelled at me didn't upset me in the least. Their put downs make me feel better about myself.

I smile as I respire, because I know they'll never win. (:

I'm going to go shower and then read an amazing book. It's called The Killing Circle. It's really something wonderful.

Good evening, my non-existant friends. ^^

Bullets, Needles, Arrows, and Other Fun Objects,

If It's a Battle You Want, It's a War You'll Get. (:

In the morning, I kiss my reveries goodbye, and open my eyes. The radio is blaring, playing some "easy rock" travesty of a song, and all I want to do is hide under the blankets. After twenty minutes of examining every last plain detail of my ceiling, I decide it's time to get out of bed. Of course it is not because I want to, but simply because I'll miss my bus if I don't. I sit up, expecting the needles to slip their way through my skin. Waiting... waiting... waiting... but no sudden piercing pain. This is odd. I cautiously hang my legs over the ladder of my loft bed. Safe. I let my cold feet touch the equally cold metal rungs. I stand up to help assist myself down the ladder, and that's when it happens. Stab. Bang. Kill, kill, kill. My barefeet meet the uncomfortable texture of my red carpeted bedroom.

Texture is the least of my problems, though. It is what promises to greet me, once such a thing happens, that I am forever anxious about. I'm unsure of any other way to describe the impending occurrence of doom other than to tell you to imagine what it would be like to be a part of a world war. You're right at the most climatic scene, about to meet the rising action. It is where you pass the fine line between your safety, and the enemy's territory. Leaving my bed is leaving my safety. It is where I enter my reality-meets-nightmare's dominion. And like any prepared army, there are soldiers EVERYWHERE, surrounding me. I am in their realm now, and they want to make sure I'm aware of that. They ready their weapons, daring me to move. To try something. To do anything, really. I, however, am in no mood for their games today. I take an anxious glance over my shoulder, back up to the safety of my bed. Do I dare let my country down for my own safety? My "supporters" send me a warning glare. It is clear to me that I am on my own. I take the deepest breath I have ever taken, and lift my right foot. Do I dare it to move?

Dare, I do. I take a step forward. The most crucial step of my life turns out to be my last. My enemies shoot. Their bullets sear deep through my skin. They're inside me now, much like my internal organs used to be.

And everyday, I carry on, as more and more bullets, needles, arrows, and other fun objects continue to turn my insides into their cozy nest. For myself? My contents are forever trapped inside of a blender.

Some of us live with demons, others have skeletons in their closets... and the rest of us? We might just be too lost to know the difference.

- - -

This is what happens on school nights when I can't sleep.
See what I mean about inspiration being nocturnal?
And bonus, I finally got it out.
My current travesty is hidden within the words in the paragraphs above.
Congratulations, you have officially taken one official step closer to beginning to enter my world.
Goodnight, acquaintances.
Although I'm almost certain only one person actually reads this.

i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight.

I refuse to get out of bed. I refuse to leave the darkness of my bedroom. I refuse to leave this constant music. I refuse to face sunlight. I refuse to look anyone in the eyes. I refuse to tell a lie. I refuse to tell the truth. I refuse to let this go. I refuse happiness.

Tomorrow is going to be tragic with a capital T.

I think I'll have to take back some of the above refusals, because I'm about to go upstairs. But the other ones aren't.

I feel horrible.

Bye now.

give me all your poison, and give me all your pills.

"When we first started out I had a really big issue and a lot of my loved ones had a really big issue with the fact that I was totally in pain up there and there was a time when I tried to hurt myself off stage, but I got over that. Like, you should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person and I think that that is going to be a lot of what the next record is about, not to plug it or anything. Like, it's going to talk about dying and coming back to become what you totally want to become. We are all becoming what we want to become."

"Yeah, obviously we use vampires as a metaphor for something else, something deeper than just the supernatural. But there's just something about the bloodsucking walking dead, that can say so much to people. There are really so many people trying to get control over you on a daily basis and steal your soul in some way, take a part of you..."

"That's what happens when you're all borderline psychotic and there in lies the beauty of this band - our duality. There's a duality to each band member too. There's a desire to have this constant conflict. If we write a song and it turns out really poppy, we have to make the lyrics really fucked up. There's psychosis to everything we do for sure. One day we're probably gonna write this number one pop tune that will be about a massacre!"

"What I Like about The Sims is that I don't have a normal life at all, so I play this game where these people have these really boring, mundane lives. It's fun. My Sims family is called the Cholly family. I don't know why I picked that name; it's kind of random. The teenage daughter is my favourite, because I just had her go through this Goth phase. She's really kind of nerdy and she just became a concert violinist, which is pretty huge for the family. And she got into private school. But she started wearing black lipstick and she dyed her hair purple. It's pretty huge."

"I went to school in drag, in art school and my day was completely different because everybody thought I was a chick. You should see me as a chick. So I went as a girl, as like an experiment and it worked really well and everyone was really nice to me but I couldn't talk obviously...you know train conductors were really cool to me on my commute...HA! I looked hot as a chick!"

:D There are some amazing people out there.

I told you not to ever say that to me. You know I'm self conscious about it. :(

Today was the usual. It started out really bad, but at lunch everything miraculously got better. I came home and felt moderately happy. Then I got my hair cut. I look waaay to much like my friend, but that's okay. I'm going to change that soon. :}

TOMORROW IS THE DAY. FIELDD TRIPPPP. I have no friends.

ihavenofriendsihavenofriendsihavenofriendsihavenofriendsitinki'mgoingtocry. D:

Goodnight!

intoxicated circulation

I feel okay today.

I didn't this morning. But I feel okay right now.
I didn't hate school. I didn't want to run out of all my classes and hide. Not in the afternoon.
And this morning... I wrote poetry. I actually did.
It's not very good, and it's horribly depressing, but it was my first attempt EVER and I don't completely hate it.
I started learning a song by The Beatles on guitar today. It's such a good song, I'm terrified that I might just slaughter it. But you can't spell slaughter without LAUGHTER! (:
Yeah, I'm kind of strange from time to time.
On Thursday, I have a field trip, and I am anxious out of my mind about it. I don't have to wear my uniform, which is a bonus, because personality and individuality is a good thing. However, we're supposed to be in groups of three and I have NO friends. Whatsoever. Therefore, no group, and I don't know what I'll do. Hence the anxiety. I'll just do what I do best. FAIL. (Y)

I neeeeeeeeed to be sooooociiiiaaaaaaaallllllllll.

Goodnight.

practice makes perfect sense to me,

I've got a lot on my mind, and I didn't know what else to do with all these thoughts.

I'm realizing that I am completely obsessed with myself. Not because I think I'm the shit, or anything. The opposite, actually. I think I AM shit. Haha. But really. I can stare in a mirror for an hour straight and take in ever single flaw I have. Then I think of how I would look without flaws, but I still don't see what I want to see. What I want to see doesn't seem to exist. It's unachievable, for myself. I can look at so many other people, and won't be able to point out a single flaw. I can thank someone for a compliment, but not for one second do I ever stop to believe it. Tell me how this whole "self image" thing works. It gets worse, too. I convince myself that if I didn't have so many flaws, then I'd be more social. I wouldn't be awkward. I could go up to whoever I wanted, and strike up the perfect conversation with them, and have them be my best friend for life. It's stupid. So ridiculous of me. Life doesn't work that way.

There's quite a few people I'd love to talk to. Why can't things be easier? Why is it not accepted in social environments to just walk up to someone and say "I think you're really rad. Let's hang out this weekend, find out if we're compatible, and then hopefully become best friends." Or if I could even just say all of that with one look. All it would take is one, intense, soul-searching look. Eye to eye. And BAM. FRIENDS. And REAL friends. Not someone you have small chat with every now and then. Not someone who you sit with at lunch every day for a semester, and never speak to again. A real friend. Those are so impossible to come by, it seems.

When did everything get so complicated? I overanalize everything, and there just aren't any answers. Someone please start making sense. Someone make this easy.

No, don't. I guess I won't ever accomplish much if things just get handed to me.

See? That's a conclusion. I think I might have made progress. Now if only I could get the progress out of my mind and out of my laptop. If only I could get these things out in more effective ways. i.e. through my mouth, instead of through writing or drawing. Not that there's anything wrong with those. Real, live words are good though. Very good.

Alright, that's enough. I feel childish. Goodbye, actually.

just let me know where you've been

I'm just going to jump right into this...

Wait. I don't even know what I'm getting in to. Oh well. So... basically... school is depressing. Honestly. Depressing. I was very out of my mind today. I'd give you examples of how, but... you don't want to know. I feel like everyone is happy but me. Am I the only person that gets stuck with issues? Am I over-sensitive, or just plain cursed? Not that I actually believe in curses. And you know what really humours me? Religion. If there is a God, I'm almost certain he or she is laughing at me right now. I keep stumbling about. Nothing is going right.

I'm not going to rant about this, it won't work out well.
I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of this. I'm not the only one who is.

Should I take off the blindfold, or do as I'm told?

Freak.
Bye.

make me feel like someone else.

WARNING: this entry has a horrible flow to it.

Today, my friend and I walked around the mall with a sign that said "FREE HUGS". I won't go into detail about it. It was just really interesting, and I think I'll be wanting to do that again some day. I never really realized how much I actually love most hugs.

I have a really sick feeling inside of me right now. It's all too familiar. It happens all the time. I want to know you. I can't let you know me. I have another day of school tomorrow. School is not something I enjoy. There are too many people who... I just can't talk to. I don't know why. I have the words planned out, perfectly placed inside my head. It's not such a difficult task. Well, it shouldn't be. I can't open my mouth. If I do, it's just to bite my lip. I can't talk to you, I can't talk to you, I can't talk to you, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. Speak Mandy, SPEAK! My desperate pleas against myself are useless. I never win this constant battle. You're not all so intimidating, are you? What's the worst you could do to me? You won't find any blackmail on me; I'm a good person. You can say the most cruel of things to me; they're either not true, or I'm already aware of them. You could even try physical abuse, but that pain won't stay forever. So why is it I can't seem to say the words? You're most likely a very interesting person, who I'd really enjoy getting to know. Not that you would ever know that.

I'm losing my focus, I'd better stop this.
Goodbye.
Hopefully my next entry will be a better one.

hello world.

I'm Mandy, and this blog is only just beginning.
I'm not sure where to begin. I could tell you about myself, but if you're reading this, there's a good chance you already know me fairly well. If you don't, you just might get to know me if I continue to post, and you continue to read.
See? No further introduction is necessary. (:
I intend on being silently honest, throughout the life of this blog. I can't guarantee I'll be a frequent updater, but we'll see, we'll see.
I want to keep this first entry short and sweet, so... well I can't find anything sweet to say.
So we'll just keep this short, I suppose.

...until next time? (: bye now.