H'okay, so I've felt extremely crappy for the past week or so because I'm afraid to let go of 2010. It's honestly been such an amazing year...
I've made a few friends, gotten closer to people, went to tonsss of really good shows- Warped Tour included ohmygodjkfnsjkf, tried some new things, found about so much new music, and had some really fucking fun days.

I love this year.

But I suppose I'm finally ready to let it go, cause that's just what you do.

I think there's going to be a ton of changes in 2011, which just makes it even scarier, but I'm definitely ready.

I remember last New Year's Eve... I was at a house full of people from my school who I didn't know very well at all. I was awkward, but I tried my best to socialize, and I think I did an okay job. Korrin was there (and Emily wasn't, shocker) which was nice. I was with her the entire time, and it was nice spending time with just her. Actually, another bonus was that Emily wasn't there. I luhh her and all, but it's nice not blending into the person next to me, and getting to just be Mandy for once. Back on topic, I talked to a handful of new people that night, and Levi spared me some words of wisdom. By the time we were counting down, everything felt wonderful. I felt included, and accepted, and it was a great atmosphere. I went from being almost too scared to get out of Marcus' car, to wishing I could stay longer. That's one of the best feelings in the world, by the way. The only sad thing was that I said barely a word to Jared, who was kind of hanging out alone all night. But, I eventually made up for it, so whatever.

I wish there had been a party like that for tonight. But no, because now certain friends are self-proclaimed stoned lesbians who wheel guys anyway and would hate to be sober, and about a billion other issues of friendships falling apart, people drifting, blahblahblah. These holidays are not what I would've hoped for, but I still really appreciate and enjoy them nonetheless.

So tonight calls for many laughs with my bffl, so wew. c:

...I'm gonna go finish getting ready so I can try to be on time for once. Byebye blogger, see you in the new year.

Man, that was ages ago.

:)

6 A.M. AND I'M STILL KICKIN'~

I'll kick myself in the face if I don't get some sleep soon. hahah

Tumblr

is not something I enjoy right now, ohmygod.

Almost everything on there makes me uncomfortable to some extent.

Yeah. So I'll just stick to the sims, and whatever real life brings.

dkjlfmnkjfnrekjl

I have conjured my own personal recipe for mass destruction... of crap moods.

First, I shall drown my ears with Taking Back Sunday, live from Orensanz. Da best~

Second, when boredom occurs, play The Sims for a mandytory hour and a half. Give them the life I wish I had. Okay.

Though the second step is usually optional.

fjdsklfsmnkjf

You are so freaking great, I don't even have words for you right now. C:

Okay, just needed to say that. 'night, world.

And then the nightmares come back. Fucking awesome.

But I don't care, I won't let them ruin things for me. This is going to be a good holiday. It has to be.

Okay, herewego. I told myself I'd try this with a generous outlook.

Dear Mandy,
I am sorry I've been so cruel to you throughout the years. I am even more sorry for the past few months in particular. I have been beyond cruel to you, both mentally and physically. You do not deserve the tortures I have put you through. Although it remains clear that you're not the coolest cat in the crib and that there is plenty of room for improvement, this does not justify my bullying. I'm going to try to be kinder to you, and do things properly. I owe you that much. And really, I only get one of you. So let's make this work.
Sincerely, yourself.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm ready to fall asleep now. Come on eyes, let me do it.

I'm sick of being so goddamn replaceable.

I just want to exist. I want to mean something important to someone.

And even more, I just really want sleep right now.

I want to wake up and feel that happy mood I felt all weekend.

Okay, I don't care, I'm going to blog this.

So once upon a time I was a very troubled girl but I actually opened up to people. So it got back to me that apparently someone who I opened up to thought I was a downer. I guess I really was, too. But anyway, said friend told this person that told me that if I kept being a downer, they were just going to shut me out completely. Do you know how scary that is? It was like, apparently I was a lot more miserable than I thought, and it was bringing others down so much that they were willing to shove aside all the positive aspects of our friendship and just be done with me. Like, that's some really excessive sorrow being thrown around. Also, I was really close with this person. /heartbroken

So since then I've kept everything more bottled up than you can imagine. No, it's not even a bottle. It's almost a skyscraper inside of me. I can't tell people things, because no one likes a sad person. No one likes a downer.

So I smile like this :D and everything's okay, right?
NOT.

Bottling things up only makes the original sadness 100x worse.
But so does burdening others.

It's like a big stupid cycle or paranoia.

Also, it turned out that said friend may not have even said that, and it might have been a huge misunderstanding, but still. It's a scary thought.

THANKS FOR SCARRING ME FOR LIFE, JERK~

Now I can't open up to anyone, and for that I will never truly be able to get emotionally close to someone, and in the end be forever alone.

SO AWESOME, RIGHT?

/Facetruck, now. Bye.

I still do not even go here.

Blaaaaaaaah, happy mood come back. Thanks!

Can I just lie in my bed for a while until things piece together, ok.

I don't even go here.

Okay, so we're on to our third snow day today.
I love staying home, but I'm looking forward to actually getting out of the house and frolicking in the snow with my bffl later. :]

But lately, fuck. I've been having these dreams.
They started on Sunday night and haven't left me yet.
They've also been getting worse every night.
So Sunday night's dream = scary, but not that bad. Not the end of the world.
Monday night's dream = started out pretty good, then got a bit sad. ThengotjustplaincreepyandIwantedtodieohmygod.
Last night's dream = WORLD. SHATTERED.
There's always two bad things that happen in each dream. For the first two nights, the first bad thing that happened was upsetting, yes, but also very liveable and is stuff that's actually happened. So just, not toooo bad. BUT THEN. THE FIRST THING THAT HAPPENED IN LAST NIGHT'S... it was so bad, I woke myself up and didn't see #2, though I know what was going to happen. Yeah, see part number two to each dream is always significantly worse than part one. If that makes sense.

And I think the #2 that I woke myself up from today will be dreamed about tonight. But it'll probably be a #1, because the dreams are always worse than the night's before. But if the #2 of last night is supposed to not be the worst part of tomorrow night, then... wtf. I can't even imagine what it'll be. There are very few things that are worse than the #2 of last night. Also, how can a nightmare on Thursday night even exist? There'll be no way of making things worse. :/

Ugh, and what's worse is, I can't unsee the things I saw my dreams. I can't forget them, and it's getting kind of difficult to accept that they're just dreams. What if they're all things that are going to happen?

I'm so fucking scared. I officially hate sleep.

HBDKJSDNFKJS!
I'm so happy right now, it's a snow day and I can stay home :D :D
I could easily go back to sleep, but right now I'm so happy, I'd rather just dance around the house like a f00l~

I'm gonna play Animal Crossing, then take a nap, then wish I still had a big backyard and snowpants. haha

FUCKYEAHSNOWDAYSSSSSSS

Also, 9 school days till Christmas Break. I'm so stoked ndfkjnskjfndf
I'm really gonna miss these little breaks in life that adults scarcely get.
It makes me realize how much I really love being 15. ♥

so I figured out the gamecube last night, and played some Zelda and Animal Crossing and stayed up too late and talked to people and it was a great night.

ANDNAOIWANTSNOWPANTS

staying home tonight, of course.

I had awesome plans of playing Zelda all night BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE TAYLOR HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA OF MOVING THE WII UPSTAIRS. I CAN'T PLAY IT UPSTAIRS, MOM'S WATCHING TV UP THERE AND MAKING FOOD OR SOMETHING.
So then I thought, okay well I'll play the sims then. I can give them the social lives I wish I had.
1) He took the xbox to his friend's house.
2) I can't even figure out how to set up the gamecube.

waaaaah, I hate today.
I hate most days.

I handed out a bunch of resumes yesterday. Why? It's not as much the fact that I need money, it's the fact that I just need something demanding to take up time and not leave me moping around the house.

/lame post over

jgnfdkngjkdf, This weekend was just what I needed.

Friday = Really good show. Lots of Sammy. Talking to people from my school who I don't normally talk to, and doing a pretty decent job of it. That needed amount of Jared. Moshpit. It was pretty much a perfect night, methinks. c: I need more of that and less of... the usual shit I am getting far too sick of.
Saturday = Much needed rest. Hanging out with a friend I only see once a year. T'was alright.
Sunday = FNDSKJFNKJFKJDFMUCHODRAWING, and talking to Rachel. pretty much a perfect Sunday.

*content sigh*
And tomorrow's gonna be really good.

ALSO, I've been freaking out a bit, because apparently the art portfolio and interviews and all that jazz for grade 11 art was all happening Thursday. BUT NOPE. There's also interviews in February, so I'm all set! Today was the second day of buses in my neighbourhood. I like it when things come together.

Ohmygod, get the fuck out of here. You're the most annoying person I have ever met.

fsnjkfnwerjknwekjnfsdnfcwsdngferkl
maybe I can draw this too. nfsdfjwe

Drawing something right now and thinking
"This contains every single thing I think/feel about/towards you right now.
If I could just shove this in your face, it would be the exact equivalent of a true thug life gangster getting up in your grill and informing you that you have been served."
But then I realize
"Ohwait. You lack the brain capacity to fathom any sort of majesty that may be behind this."

So, fuck you.

Today I hung out with a friend I haven't seen in two years. /MISSSSSS
and then I bought a new sketchbook.
So, all night = drawing, Enter Shikari, dubstep, cat, tumblr.

Awesome

I've been too exhausted for life all week.
Yet here I am, 12:19 AM.
Whatever~

I'm finally finding some changes in lyfe. Weww.

Goodnight

What is this, why am i even here.

I better shut it up. I better shut it up.

I just want to go to a sleep for a really long time, and wake up to some colour and clarity. You know?

ncjkdnfkjrefekjrnker, Today was even better.
That reminds me of at the end of every hamtaro episode, the girl would write in her diary "Today was a good. But hopefully, tomorrow will be even better!"
Or something along the lines of that. NOW I WANT A HAMSTER, GAH
I don't crave food, I crave pets. Hahah
Religon was gooood, I "prayed" all during class. And someone in that class listens to Attila. And sleeps even more than I do. So all I could think was FUCKYEAH.
Careeeeeers, was okay. I cruised careers, rather than working on my project. But that's okay.
Lunchgoesbytoofast
Tech was a success. I'm moderately caught up, and making an animation of a brutal guy in a pit. Lol, I'mlame.
Math was dandy.

I've been procrasting all night and I have a ton to do -_-
I also tried lucid dreaming. It almost worked! Then Faylor woke me up.

BrieflamehorribleywordedpostsforthesakeofpostingokayBYE

You killed what was left of the good in me.
I'm tired, so let me be broken.


Today was a good day :3

I had a really good weekend. I didn't spend a single day sitting at home doing nothing. I even slept at a friend's house.

Siiiigh, I think staying home makes me insane. 'Tis just who I am. I must plan for an equally busy next weekend.

Also, I'm getting really sick of my brother. Gaming is taking over, and it's turning him into such a monster. I want to smash his xbox.

That is all.

Several closed doors until.

It's the hidden motives behind everything.

That's what it is.

medically speaking, you're adorable.

It's been a while since I posted a really long post about my day. An "Alexander inspired" post, as I once called it. I don't know, my day wasn't very interesting, but I feel the need to post something... so I'll do that.

So, I woke up and couldn't get out of bed for at least ten minutes. Usually it only take like, 2. Which is weird because with the clocks back, I definitely got more sleep than usual school nights. Then I went to go wake up my brother, who was asleep on the couch. Last night around 12 he was attempting to stay awake and play halo, but he had no chance. I told him to go to bed, but he just wouldn't. He's so stubborn sometimes. Anyway, he got up, and I got dressed into that ever glorious uniform, consisting of black pants, a sweatervest, and a Chiodos shirt. Whatever~

I got ready in pretty regular time, which is pretty good seeing as I normally get up like 20 minutes earlier than I did today. Though I guess my timing wasn't actually that good, because I almostish missed the bus. Brother did miss the bus. Not that it matters, he doesn't even have any classes. Uuum, I stood in the hallway that I spend majority of free school time in, talking to friends. I don't know if the bell didn't ring, or if I just didn't hear it, but I was thoroughly late for first period. I couldn't care less though; anyone who knows me is more than aware of the fact that punctual is not my middle name. We watched a movie I've already seen. I slept. I went to CAREERS. Friday was my last day of Civics, and honestly, I'm going to miss it a bit. My teacher was sarcastically awesome, and I'm actually pretty interested in law. However, I don't mind the lack of homework in careers. A-nee-way, my teacher seems pretty nice and careers sounds interesting.

Then lunch. Blahblahblah. They go by way too fast.

Comm tech, woooo. My friend and I do a whole bunch of nothing because we're pretty far ahead of things. Actually, we're working on some extra credit video, just because. TOO BAD SOMEONE REALLY ANNOYING WORKS WITH US. Or we look at random yearbooks for random schools. Or draw beautiful images. Or smell beautiful scents. I don't even know, but comm tech is fun, working or not.

Mathmathmathmath, I did a bit of math. Not much of it, I was mostly talking to comm tech friend, or in a trance. Though I got my mark, and I'm doing pretty darn swell. Woooooooo.

Then I went home. The End

I'm not detailed enough

That little list down there?
Well, Friday night was okay. I dunno. I did get a lot of sleep... and I did nothing on Saturday.
They were okay days, but I'm so indifferent towards them. Huh.

Today I hung out with a really good friend. We've been friends since grade 3, but since high school, I haven't seen her a whole lot. But our friendship is great; whenever we hang out, nothing feels different; even if everything has actually changed. It's just this great constant that only happens every once in a while. And when it does, it's wonderful. I got to say a lot that was on my mind, and listen to a lot about her life and whatnot. I enjoyed this, it was good to talk. I've needed it. But I still have so much more on my mind; the skeletons sleeping in our closets, you know? These are the things I don't think I'll ever discuss. I don't know if I should feel strong, knowing that I can keep a secret- or afraid, because things could get out of hand.

And I just want to have a nap. As fulfilling and nice as this afternoon was, it's over now, and reality is still here, beating rapidly like someone's heart. It's scary, and I'm all talk. I speak of embracing things and living life, but I'm terrified and don't normally do it. I'm exhausted all the time. I think the reason I take so many naps is entirely just so I can get away from the world.

I kind of just want someone to be there for me. Thanks tumblr, for hammering this into my brain and making me just a little less independent. SO HELPFUL. -_-

But I'm okay, so whatever. I had a good day, and I'll have others. That's how it works.

/cannot focus on life

Self-prescription:
Tomorrow night with the holy one.
A sufficient amount of sleep afterwards.
A very busy Saturday night.

2/3 so far, wooooo.

Times like this, I almost wish I were religious.
Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to reach out to whenever you're in need? Tell them all your secrets and know that they won't get spread around? Knowing that some all-mighty being has got your back?

Fucking life, right.

We're okaaaaaaay

Get on your knees.

My verdict of this weekend:
Aunt Polly is the cutest, sweetest, most beautiful lady in the world and I love her.
My uncles are absolutely incredible. I have so much respect for them, and truly look up to them. They inspire me so much, and I can't believe I'm actually related to them.
My cousin Larissa is beautiful, and so intense. I look up to her.
The rest of my family is so truly amazing. I had no idea I came from such a line of fantastic people.
At least half of the people in my family are artists. Not even kidding. Probably more than half. That, or they LOOK like artists. They're all so incredible, talented, inspiring and just... wonderful. They're all so strong, too. Brave, brilliant people. And... this is what's running through me?
I have discovered family and am breath taken. I never really understood family when I was younger, and couldn't deeply appreciate it. I honestly had no idea what I was missing out on, and even with experiencing it now, I still can't find the words to explain it.
Now that I have experienced this, I do not want to let it go. I don't want to miss out on anymore of this.

Guh, FAMILY. They are the love I need. The kind that fills your heart, even with its gaps. Lacking a father? Friends? Fuck it, I've got aunts and uncles.

I love it when things start to make sense.
And now I'm so inspired by the talent in my family, I really need to start doing art again. I need to get into Beal, make my family proud, prove my worth, etc, etc. Did I mention I met my uncle Art (irony) who tought art at Beal? Yeah. He's wonderful.

That said. SLEEP; you are my bitch. Goodnight blog.


Also:

Rest in peace Uncle Jack. ♥

I remember going to their house for Christmas every year. I haven't done that in a while, but when I did, it was really good. It was one of the very few big family gatherings that ever existed for me. It was a wonderful atmosphere. I'm not sure if that's because I was younger and much more clueless about everything, or if that's just what family is supposed to feel like that.
I remember we'd stay there late and I never wanted to go home.
I think I even slept over once, and it was AWESOME.
And I remember when we'd finally leave; me being the happy, outgoing, chipper little girl I was, would run around with a big smile, giving everyone hugs. And then some more hugs. And then a few more. Anything to prolong the visit. And then I'd turn around and say byebye a dozen times, and then wave at them when I got in the car. And still be waving halfway down the road, until we turned the corner. And then sitting back smiling, because I had a great day. Then falling asleep on the way home. c:
Hmmm. That was nice.

He had the sweetest wife ever, too. Polly. One of the sweetest old ladies you'd ever meet, and absolutely beautiful as well. She'd always kiss me on the cheek when I hugged her. She wore a lot of velvet and smelt nice. I think the most painful part of this is picturing her alone. If I were a good little Christian girl, I would pray for her. Too bad I'm not. Times like this, I wish I were.

I remember in grade 5, we had grown ups night. Polly and Jack came to that, and they were the cutest thing ever. I remember having to make them a whole bunch of fun little projects, and I can tell it made them really happy. They put them on their fridge. I remember going to their house and seeing them on there, faded from the sun. I put a lot of effort into those. I remember everytime I went up on the stage to present at grownups night, I'd look down at my guests and see their smiling faces. I remember hoping they'd be proud of me. I also remember falling off that stage, but shh.

I really wish I had seen more of them. Ugh, poor Polly.

The funeral is on Saturday and it is honestly going to break my heart seeing her there.

):

Successssss!
I have my Link costume (aside from the shield, which I'm making, and maybe a weapon. I want a slingshot. and the skirt needs to be cut. but yeah) and it's not half bad. Pretty good, especially considering I found it all in an hour's time and had to get creative with a hat. Also, today I worked up the guts to ask to be in a group with two girls in my religion for a srs bsns project. And even more, it turns out that I seem to have a bit in common with one of them. ALSO, the topic of our project is something I've felt strongly for since eighth grade; human trafficking. This is gonna be good, I hope :)

SHORTUPDATESRKEWLKBAI

I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HERE

I feel like making lists.

20 Things That Make Mandy a Content Girl innoorder
25 minute naps.
Stephen Jerzak, live acoustic.
Understood math homework, where I can zip through 20 questions in 30 minutes.
Change.
Rachel.
Cheesy movies.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Book, movie, actors, I don't care. Anything related.
The Legend of Zelda.
Drawing, and it doesn't turn out crappy.
Tuesday nights at 7.
Civics class when I can stay awake.
Working at the central library.
Playing cards and board games with my best friend.
Laying on my driveway at night, watching the sky.
2 am visits.
Having options.
The Little Red Roaster.
Making bank.
My cat.
My favourite kind of weather.

20 Things That Make Mandy Discontent innoorder
Failing to do any of the above
LOLJK, there's only two notable ones.
And you're the second one.

That said,

Today was the worst day I've had in a very long time.
(Not that you would know.)
But then I had the most amazing night, ever.
(Or at least top ten.)

Not going to explain why, kbye
That rhymed. :)

I think that

the reason I don't open up to people is because I don't know where to start. And if I can't find a place to start, how will I find somewhere to finish? I'm not one to just keep talking until someone cuts me off.

but I'm okay with that, because I'm growing up, and falling down, and paying too much attention in Religion class.

I kind of feel like posting a big long thing of things, but NOT HERE. Because that's just me.

:]

I think the thing I'll miss most about STA is actually grade 10 religion. Everything else is completely replaceable.

I'm gonna play guitar tonight, because I can, and I don't know why I don't.

Then maybe I'll draw, and do whatever else I like to do, wuhbam.

Productive Mandy would insist cracking open a math textbook and getting her older brother to explain the concept she slept through today in class, but hey, productive Mandy doesn't even really exist.

Life, ftw.

BAIBLOGGER~

I'm nauseousssss ):

Guh. I guess someone walking by in the hall today called me a loser?
I didn't hear, unfortunately, otherwise I would've given them my infamous death glare.
Actually, when I was talking a lot in math today, someone mentioned just how awful my glare really is. Like, they're afraid I'll chuck a desk at them.
Hahahah, awesome. I love being welcoming.
Come to think of, I wish I had said to the passerby in the hall,
"YOU TALKIN' SHIT? COME BACK OVER HERE AND SAY IT AGAIN, FUCKER."
That would've been way too pleasing. I so wish.

Also, I have an idea for my halloween costume. I wanna be Link. Yeah.
But I definitely can't afford to order a costume, so I'm kind of buying random green clothing articles, doing some fail sewing, and making some props.
Yeah, I'm really worried it's gonna suck.
For once, I just want to succeed at something.
I want to put a lot of effort into it, and see it pull together perfectly.
But that scarcely ever works with anything I do. :\

And then I have all this stupid anxiety about something so little and simple.
Time to grow up.

2 things:

1) I hate when you make a mistake, and it's the smallest mistake ever, but you can't forget it. No matter how many times you tell yourself "It's okay, no one even remembers that." or "Everyone makes mistakes like these." it just won't go away. And you won't feel okay with it, ever. I make a lot of mistakes like those. Sometimes when I'm just lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I remember these mistakes and I cringe. Not a little cringe, like the twitch of an eye. A big cringe, where I curl up in the smallest ball I possibly can, and I squeeze my eyes shut, and it feels like I'm shaking, but I know I'm not and I see the situation replay over and over in my head until I can banish the thought and think of something nice. Like cats. It's pretty much like a hyped up facepalm, you know? But anyway, I'm getting better at getting over things. So, whatevaaa~

2) Forgetting what number 2 was originally going to be. Fuck.

I can think of a million things that could be number two, but I want you to read them. Lahdidaah, I think I need a safe to store all my thoughts in.

So my brother walks into my room, talking about his friend's band or whatever, and I've clearly been crying heavily.
He absolutely DID NOT notice.
How does that even happen? :S

I'll probably post 5 other times tonight about 5 useless topics that do not matter. Woo.

Warning: If you don't like sappy things, GTFO.

It's 2am. I cannot sleep for the life of me.
But you know what I realized? I really did skip out on Thanksgiving this year.
I didn't have a nice meal with family, or see any relatives, or anything. I didn't even take the time to you be, y'know, thankful.
So, I'll make a list of all the things I'm thankful for. In no order, whatsoever.
I'm thankful for:

My mom.
She's the best person in my life, without a doubt. She's more than the person who gave birth to me. She's the person who single handedly raised me. She's been nothing but a positive influence. I honestly have no idea how she does it all, and cannot imagine ever being in her shoes. She's successfully managed to provide for my brother and I for so long now, and been a perfect example of strength. I love my mom, I can't even begin to explain why she's so amazing. She just is. That's why she's my mom, more than a mother.

Taylor.
This kid is fucking cool. I couldn't ask for a better brother, really. He's so old now, and it's so weird, but luckily I don't think he'll be going too far too soon. I can always count on him for an opinion, a funny story, or to reassure me. You have no idea how many times I've freaked out about how my hair looks, or how my outfit looks, and he's told me I look awesome when no one else would. Seriously, he just gets it. We have our downs, but at the end of the day, they don't matter.

Alexander.
My bffl. I care about him so much, you have no idea. Our friendship means so much to me, and I would honestly be lost without him. I can always count on him, and I trust him to no end. He's always there, like a bffl should be, and our friendship is getting better all the time. He has incredible patience, too. Aaand we have the best games of Sorry ever. I wish him the absolute best, from the very bottom of my heart. He deserves it.

Teddy.
Fuckyeah, MY CAT. Let's keep in mind this is in no order. But seriously, this boss has been in my life for as long as I can remember. I remember when we first went to get him. And actually, it wasn't love at first sight or anything. I wanted his sister, Snowball, but for whatever reason we went with Mr Perfect. Haha, Mr Perfect. What a fitting name, though he's Teddy/Lumpy/a billion other names now. Though I'm happy to say, our relationship has grown a lot, and I'm so glad we brought him home instead of Snowball. Him and I are a lot a like. We take YEARS to truly warm up to someone, but once we do it, it's most likely for keeps. This year Teddy and I have truly connected the most out of any other year. I can always count on him to greet me in the morning, and when I get home from school. Seriously, whether I'm waking up at 6am or 12pm, he's always there. We have conversations, we really do. I don't expect anyone to understand our bond. And that doesn't bother me, cause he's MY CAT. Not yours.

Sam.
A really ridiculously cool person. I have endless amounts of respect for her. She's just... a total trooper, and doesn't fall for anyone's shit. She's strong, and can think for herself, and just really live. See? Just, respect. I don't even have words.

Jared.
I actually sat here for a few minutes not sure how to start this. I realized it's because I can't express the way I feel about him to anyone but, well, him. We have a good thing though, I will tell you that much. Whether that's clear to you or not. I'm a lucky girl.

Rachel.
Oh my god, she's the sweetest girl ever and a really wonderful friend. I absolutely love her, like a sister.

Kristin.
She's a fucking boss, and I admire her honesty. And dykeness. She's truly an original, and never fails to brighten my day.

Emily and Korrin.
When I need immaturity and mass amounts of nice shoes, they will always be the first that come to mind. Seriously, they can be a riot. I can always count on fun and fully retarded times with them.

Trees.
Incredible teachers.
Levi, because I appreciate his preaching more than you know.
Mike and Matt, because I don't have to worry about feeling lonely at 2am on weekends.
Gaby, just because she's a ray of sunshine. And a genuinely nice person. You know how rare people like her are?
Kiera, because she makes class fun.
Taking Back Sunday.
Tumblr, for making me realize I'm never entirely alone.
Everyone who has ever hurt me, for the confidence booster. Funny how that works.
Tanya, for having such an awesome tumblr.
Stars.
Cats everywhere.
Romeo.
Tim (+ my mom) for teaching me so much.
Alex Pardee.
Mitchell Davis.
My Chemical Romance.
Say Anything, for putting it all into words.
Saw movies, for making me feel okay with being sadistic.
AP Magazine for existing.
My uncle, for giving me that teddy for Christmas many years ago. I still sleep with it, and plan on never parting with it.
My grandma.
My deceased grandma. I have no doubt in my mind that I would love her.
My deceased father. I thank him for the gift of life.
Anyone who doesn't know me and has smiled at me, or tried to start a conversation with me. It means a lot to me.
Nigel, for starting conversations with me.
Jordan, for bringing taste to our tasteless school.
Alia, I'll always admire her spunk. She's an easy going person, and I'm thankful for the fun times we've had.
Nicole.
Alyssia. I'll never forget MMWP3. Out of everyone, she was the one to help me the most that night. You're a good person.
Alyssia's mom for not leaving me stranded downtown at 1am.
Imjustaboywithadream, because I'm pretty sure he's the closest thing to a saint this modern day world can offer. And I don't mean saint, like from the bible. I'm not elaborating on this tonight.
The person who used to read my entries, truly care, and post comments. It meant a lot to me.
Adam, such a nice guy. He'll make someone very happy one day.
Kelsey.
Christien, because CRAIG OWENS
Alexander's mom for getting me unlost downtown.
You know what, all of my friends' parents.

And to anyone and anything that has impacted my life in a positive way, with honest intentions. There's no way I could list EVERYONE, but you're not forgotten.

I'm finally getting tired. I may as well try for three hours of sleep before I have to drag myself through school. Goodnight world.

Note: It took me an hour to write this, and I'm not going to fix the grammar and spelling mistakes, or the awkward sentence structure, no matter how awful they may be. So, 2 bad 4 u.

I'm sick of you

and your pompous bullshit.
The sun doesn't rise specially for you, and no one really cares about your narrow minded opinions. So shut the fuck up and spit them into your dirty hands. Then proceed to forcefully shove those meaningless fragments deep into your anus. It's where they belong.
Then you know what? Walk around with them up there for a few months. You deserve it, bitch.

Quit looking down on me, you're not above me. You don't get to pull on my hair anymore, or send me your nastiest glares.

I can dispose of you at the blink of an eye.

Most horrifying thing I've read in a while.

In junior high, there was a kid on my bus who would always run home as soon as the bus dropped him off. We would laugh at him every day. We didn’t know that he ran because he wanted to make sure his sister hadn’t killed herself while he was gone at school. One day, he missed school. A week after, he was back. He stopped running.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm so fed up with

how big a deal people make it when someone likes the same sex.
SHUTTHEFUCKUP, IT'S NORMAL.

Let's just turn this blog into a list of things Mandy hates.

Also, I hate my phone.

That is all.

I can see why people change their names.

Because sometimes, you just get so sick of hearing your name.
Not the actual sound of it, but the context.
Mhmmm. Fuck people.

Sleeping, Y U NO HAPPEN NO MOAR?
Lie, I'm sure it'll happen soon.
I wish I could just be an insomniac, and never sleep again.
Even if Fight Club tells me that when you have insomnia you're never really awake and you're never really asleep.
fnsdjfnsfjkrenfjkrenjkre
Or maybe I wish I could just sleep all the time.

Or maybe I use sleeping or lackthere of to hide from life.
I used to think, "fightlifewithlife".
Now I don't care.

I just want change.

GOOD CHANGE, DAMMIT.

I want to listen to Taking Back Sunday all night.
I want everything to be like grade 6 and 7, when no matter how bad everything got, I could always go home, and lay in my bed with Taking Back Sunday blaring from my stereo. And that would make it better. It always would. Sometimes it would take 3 minutes, and sometimes it would take 2 hours.

What makes it all better now?
I don't actually know, because I normally just go to sleep when things get bad.
Except for when I can't sleep, then I don't know what I do.

I just want change.
GOOD CHANGE, DAMMIT.

Maybe if I keep saying that, it'll happen.
nfdsjdkfnkjf, I feel randomly anxious, and I feel uncomfortable blogging about this. I don't want to portray someone who is depressed all the time because I'm
not.
nfjsdfjkfrekjr

I just-

Nevermind. Homework.

Maybe things aren't so bad. I think I'll try to make a list of things that make me happy in a bit. Cause then I can be happy. Like any human being is supposed to be.

It's Kind of a Funny Story.
Friday.

You can not even begin to fathom my excitement.

So, I was talking to my mom about stretching my ears more. I told her a handful of reasons why I'd like to, and why it'd be okay, and she continued to say no. Then I asked "Why?"
She replied "Because it's ugly."
So, Me: Everyone has their own standard.
Her: What does that mean?
Me: Everyone has their own standard of beauty.

And, I must say, I almost got her there. I think she was impressed.

I'll finish convincing her tomorrow morning. (:

That reminds me, we were having a debate-like conversation in civics the other day, and I gave a reason for something, and my teacher tried to prove me wrong. I actually had a good comeback to it, and was prepared to back myself up, but I didn't get the chance. It was all I could think about for the rest of the day.

YEAH, I have the knowledge and insight to back up my opinions. Now all I need is the confidence to speak up.

53\/\/ |_||\|<0|\/||=0|274|3|_3

School sucks, I need to fix things.

CAN I BORROW A WRENCH, PLEASEANDTHANKS? :)

11:11, make a wishhh

So fucking sick of myself, and the way I look.

I CANNOT EVEN.

So, I guess I'll actually post about things. I don't know why, seeing as only two people read this, and one of them was there for some of this, and the other has already been personally filled in on, but whatever.

So Friday was Red Feather, as you know, and it was gross, and when everyone went to the game, I went to the mall with Friend-o. I purchased the comfiest sweater ever. Comfiest looks really weird, I bet it's actually comfyest. Comfyiest. Ew, no, that's all wrong. Yeah. I also bought another sweater. Whatever. Then I went to friend-o's house, with Boyfrand-o, and we rented a movie, Dead Silence, but it didn't work. Run on sentences and poorly constructed paragraphs, for the win.

So now I have a horror movie, sitting near me, and I should watch it, and it's due back Friday, so I guess I get to stay up on a school night and shit bricks all by myself. Hmmm. I don't know. What a waste of 5 dolla. This saddens me, a lot. ):

Anyway, we made... no, they made french toast... I supervised, in a hat. Then, I don't even know. What DID we do? Oh, right. I don't know, we hung out and stuff. Super cool. I went home.

Saturday, I slept in :3 Then hung out with Jared.
AMG I KNOW, GUISE. I ONLY HANG OUT WITH MY BOYFRAN, LIEK, WE SO IN LUV, AND I DITCHED ALL MY FRANDS FOR HIM. Loljk, go fist yourself.
We went for sometimes caffeinated beverages, then to see Easy A. I gotta say, I loved it. It was really enjoyable, and the main character is fucking gorgeous. Anyway.
Then we were driving around and stuff, and then not driving around and stuff, and then yeah, some cops came at 11:30, and I shat bricks then finally went home, feeling thoroughly uneasy with myself. Awesome. I went to sleep kind of early. :)

I woke up at 10:30, which was cool, I guess. Got ready, then I went to a dear friend in the sky's house, with another friend. And then her friend was there. And we all hung out, and I don't know, it was cool. Today's been tiring though. I didn't have the energy to be... energetic. Isn't shat such a crappy word? I don't like it. I came home and filled my evening with Mitchell Davis, because I don't want anything else right now, because I don't feel okay.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I am not well. I am dreading it with every ounce of my being. I haven't felt this crappy for a while. Things were actually going well, and now I'm uncomfortable and fmnskfwemn. But of course I'll put up with it, and show my face in that disgrace [ofabuilding]. That rhymes. Things will look up soon though, they always do.

Hnnnnnnnnnnnnf, I'm saying hnnnnf a lot now, out of context, but Idfc.

lifeeeeeee.

Stress and high duress

replace the hope I had every day.

I'm sick of growing up.
I'm sick of zero conclusions.
I'm sick of everything feeling wrong.
I'm sick of lying, and lies.
I'm sick of judgement.
I'm sick of thought.
I'm sick of not trusting anyone.
I'm sick of everysinglething being wrong.
I'm sick of the fact that majority of the people in my life are: stuck up, annoying, depressed or on drugs.

But honestly, I wouldn't ask for it any other way.

FUUUUUUUUUUU-
Tonight I had the cops called on me. Sew fun. It was uncomfortable, I was shaking, and shitting a few bricks.

But whatever, I'm gonna try to sleep now. Over it.

Tomorrow I'm seeing two of my favourite people, ever.

Also,
Fuck you, you stupid judgemental bitch.
If only you knew half as much as you pretend to.

Not actually mad, just been needing to say this. :}

Red Feather

is just a horrible excuse to parade around in your underwear.

My school is just about nothing more than a gathering of straight up whores. Future prostitutes. I promise you, this isn't a lie.

Today, was the most disgusting thing of my life. Women have never been so degraded. And people wonder why women have no rights? No respect?

They've brought this on themselves, fucking disgrace to the female population.
Today 80% of the girls in my school were wearing spandex short shorts (UNDERWEAR, BASICALLY. NOT EVEN SHORTS.) with their ass cheeks hanging out, and bandeaus, which, is basically a skimpy, stretchy piece of fabric that covers you almost less than a bra. Then, they paint all over their bodies in the school colours, black, red, and white. Some things, kind of spirited, like GO FLAMES, but mostly just names of classmates and potential wheel-ees, and words involving sexual innuendo.

Yeah, so walking through the halls, I was all SLUT, WHAT THE FUCK.
WHY WOULD YOU DRESS LIKE THAT?
ARE YOU TRYING TO GET RAPED? ARE YOU REALLY THAT HORNY?
GROW THE FUCK UP.
DID YOUR PLAN EVEN WORK? DID YOU EVEN GET ANY?
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO, ALL THE BOYS WHO ACTUALLY GO TO THIS SHIT HAVE THE MATURITY OF A FIVE YEAR OLD. YOU'RE FUCKING GROSS.
I WANT TO TAKE SOME OF YOUR OWN FUCKING PAINT, AND PAINT SLUT ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ALL ARE.
BUT, YOU'RE PROUD OF THAT, SO WHATEVER.

HAVE FUN WITH YOUR STI'S AND ABORTIONS, YOU FUCKING MORONS.

nfjnfjekjreer

I'm glad you haven't noticed.
I'm glad I get to watch you sleep.
I'm sorry I don't feel like growing down.
I'm sorry we belong on opposite sides of the planet, or maybe, universe.
I like that we still talk.
I love that you still care.
I want the very best for you.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I am the way I am.
I like the distance.
I hate the curiosity.
I always want.
Please know, I'm always trying.

I can has frands

CAN HAS, CAN HAS

I can has frands in com tech, frands outside of STA, and frands in general.

Go, me.

I should post something with effort someday. But, I don't feel like it.

Nothing seems to turn out right,

something's got to turn out right.

Tell me, do you still feel this?

Attila, Chelsea Grin and Blind Witness.

Ohh myy. Best show I've ever been to. (in a smaller venue, anyway)

Attila was fucking ridiculous. I was actually in the pit a bit when they were playing, and it was just great. They really know how to perform.

I don't really feel like blogging about it, but I just needed to say, it was a really great night. c:

My Good Day. #200

It just hit me what a great day I'm having, and I don't feel like doing papers yet, so I'll just go ahead and procrastinate some more, and blog about it.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep till 12, which was weak. It's like a full moon. I'm trying to start attempting to sleep at 11pm on school nights, so I don't turn out like I was last year. (I.e. feeling crappy all the time, sleeping through all my classes and missing important lessons, sleeping more when I got home which would lead to an unproductive day, feeling so tired that I cancelled plans with friends more than any decent person should which led to a failing social life, which led to feeling even crappier, which led to a vicious cycle, and not being able to fall asleep until 6am, which is when I get up for school. Basically, it was bad.) So anyway, I was more tired than usual when I woke up (even when I go to sleep at 11, I only get almost 6 hours. I'm supposed to get at least 8. But still, better than 4 hours tops, and often 0 hours.) (So many brackets, it helps the procrastination.) and slept in 10 minutes. I like to have a morning routine, and sleeping in alters that. So, I went about my usual getting readyness, but I guess was a little speedier than usual, so I somehow managed to make time to make coffee this morning. Tiredness, be gone. It was a good, balanced morning. It was nice weather outside, too. My kind of nice. I got to my bus stop 8 minutes earlier than I was expecting it, which is good, because it came two minutes earlier than usual.

I got to school, and I was just so ready. I completed my math homework from last night, and I understood it. I made it to Religion class with socializing on the way, and still not being late. In Religion, we did simple look-up-things-in-the-bible things, and I worked by myself which in this case, wasn't socially frowned upon, while listening to NSN. Listening to NSN at school is a sign of a good day for me. I was late for Civics, but my teacher didn't say a word. I'm glad. He's normally a strong believer in being punctual. Anyway, civics was easy peasy. I actually find it pretty interesting, and my teacher is cool, in a weird, sarcastic way. I like people that have a dry sense of humour.

Lunch was different. I'm normally with Korrin, Kristin, Jared and I guess sometimes random people stop by. But Korrin didn't have lunch with us today, and Kristin fell off the face of the earth, so it was just Jared and I. I liked that. In a way, it's like despite seeing him everyday, I see less of him than I did over the summer, though we only hung out like, twice a week. As apposed to every Monday to Friday. We're not the same when other people are around. I don't feel like explaining this further on here, woo! Anyway, lunch was good.

Next I had Comm Tech. The first two days, I didn't like it that much. My teacher isn't the greatest, but today's class was good. He kind of just showed us some basic stuff, then we spent the period just kind of playing around with settings and stuff. It was fun, and interesting. I haven't lost all hope yet. CRAPITS9:30ANDPAPERSTAKESANHOUR. Whatever, I have to finish blogging.

I saw Nicole afterwards, and other people, and Nicole and I walked to Math together. SHESMAMATHBUDDY. Despite sitting on the other side of the room. It felt great, having a friend in a class. To walk there with, and make faces at during class. I haven't experienced that in high school yet, except for Phys Ed, which is different. Not your typical sit down and take notes class. Woooo, I'm a loser. :B Anyway, I understood everything in math class, and got my homework done in 15 minutes, during class! Go, me! Plus this one kid was sassing the teacher, and got sent to the VP. It was amusing. Applied tends to have more immature people. Often less kind people, too. But it's lively, I like it.

When I got home from school I played Halo with my brother for an hour and a half. I've never seriously played before, but I must say, I loved it. I'm not very good, but not too bad for a beginner. I just may have to play it more often. :B <-beaves.

I want to say more, but I must do papers. BYENOW.

Also, I don't have time to look this over. I apologize for spelling/grammar errors.

Day 10, one confession.
I confess I'm an idiot.

But you already knew that.

Oh, fucking hell.

Day 9: Two smileys that define your life right now.
1) :\
2) :NBCKJNBWDFJKRWE

I made up the second one, cause I'm reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally creative.

Gah, I'm ready to fall asleep, but I'm so scared.
Once I fall asleep, morning will creep up on me, FAST. And once morning is here, I'll have to wake up... and get ready... and go back. To school.
All the gravol, tea and stress pills in the world wouldn't make me feel okay with this.
I was optimistic about it earlier, but who am I kidding?
I remember what it's like to be there, in a new semester.
I didn't come home crying everyday for two, maybe three months in semester one for my own personal entertainment. And same goes for semester two.

I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be miserable.
I'll write the most upsetting things in my fresh new notebook.
Notebooks, hah.
I'll walk through the halls, and into my classes, and feel so uncomfortable. I feel like everyone's staring at me, everyone's hating me, everyone's whispering, everyone's... just ugh.
I'll sit at lunch with friends, but my smile isn't genuine.
Fucking hell, maybe I'm being overdramatic, and maybe this year has room for change.

After all, why the fuck should I care about what some fudgepacking asslamps think about me?
I have friends, and I have music that tells me to spit in their fucking faces.
PthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhT.

I think I'll manage.

I'm watching my cat sleep.

Day 8, Three Turns Ons. again, with personality stuff,
1) a sarcastic sense of humour
2) is fun to hang out with
3) honest and trustworthy

wooooooooooo.
Did I ever post about NYC? No, I don't think I did.
I also didn't post about my birthday.
I don't post about a lot of things.
Hmm.

Summer is very nearly over. I don't feel too good about this.
So I'll watch degrassi and not cry about it. Weeeeeeee.

I hate
you.

Day Seven: Four Turn Offs, wait, so can I just say four crappy qualities a person can have? Yeah. I'll do that.
1) Close mindedness
2) Lying
3) Severe lack of brain cells
4) Incapable of understanding sarcasm

I slept over at my friend's house last night. I haven't had a sleepover in 43545754 years. I pretty much threw fire at her. Hmm.

Day 6: Five People Who Mean A Lot
1) Alexander
2) Emily
HAY GUISE.

3) Mommydearest
4) Jared
5) Umm... awkward.

In regards to number 5, I'm not saying other people don't mean a lot to me. I just... there's no one else as significant as those 4. No one else should really be put into a category with those 4 people, as, well... they're different. Important to me, yes, but, different.

Woooooooawkwardness.

/dysfunctional

I've already talked about this to my friend, but I need to post about it here too.
So this morning, it was around 6:30/7 and I was getting ready for my friend to come over at 7:30. Yes, am. Yes, we're freaks. But that's beside the point.
My mom came downstairs and woke up my brother, asking for a really important book back. Apparently, she gave it to him at the airport and he lost it there.
He then denied ever having the book.
My mom denied that. They both made claims. I stood in the washroom, trying to not listen, and put on my eyeliner, like the good little sc3n3 g1rl I am.
But they kept getting louder. Quickly.
And then they were screaming at each other.
Mama was convinced he lost it, and he continued to deny it.
So she went upstairs, and then he really lost his temper.
And... it was awful.
He yelled really mean things.
His voice could've knocked down walls, I swear.
I don't know why I'm spacing this entry out so much, I'll stop.
I can't even remember the last time I heard rage quite like that. So Mama came down and took away his keyboard, and was telling him how disrespectful he was. At this point, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, eyeliner in hand still, not crying, but certainly wishing for a dark hole. He was sooo mad at her, I was terrified. Especially after having decided that anger is my greatest fear, a few days ago.
I guess they sorted it out eventually, but... still. Ugh. Now I wonder why anger upsets me so much. It seems like everyone handles it just fine, and then there's me...
I think, my father was an angry character. I'm pretty sure mama's told me that before. I sound so olden day when I say mama. Anyway, yeah. I think he kicked holes in walls. I think he did a lot of things. I wonder if that's where Taylor gets his occasional temper from. I hope I didn't inherit it. I avoid anger at all costs.
It's weird, knowing that there's a good chance that the person who created you could've been a "bad person". It makes me feel like I have another personality inside of me who is a horrid person and wants so badly to not give two shits, and let go of everything, because I don't actually need it. Crappy, isn't it?

But majority of me just wants to believe the stories aren't true, or at least, are really biased. I want to love this stranger, and have endless amounts of respect for him.

I always want a father.

Woooooooo, that little post took a turn.

On the topic of parents, what I've also come to realize is that telling your parent something is one of the most difficult things there is for a lot of kids/teens.
There's something on my mind, and I really feel like I should talk to my mother about it before it gets out hand, but I'm just so damn scared. What's she going to do? Judge me? Be disappointed? HATEME?

But that's ridiculous. She doesn't hate me for the million things I've broken, for getting crappy grades occasionally, for failing to fold laundry on time, for doing bad things, or for just being an all around not-so-ideal daughter.

Why should this be any different? She should be proud of me, for taking responsibility. It's not like I haven't done worse.

Parents love us, don't they? They have that unconditional love thing.

fnsljkdnfjksnfwejkndekjsfmncekjrmnkwermtfklewmrflksdkljenfkewnrfkljsdfjhcerrfjtkrkvgcjnndfbfhnfhbsbfnmsnkwaoedjwioueriuwetriurthhrbfxbckjzsdhakedjiouwerhiurehtuyrgvshdbakjdksdfhrbrbwurhretyurehrgbhhbawakjwhedoiqweiuwqh8e3iur4ybfbhsd,.

The End.

Also, I can't believe I posted all that. I might delete it later. I don't know. I feel so uncomfortable opening up. I think I'm going to sew my lips shut. Bye.

Day 5: Six Things You Wish You Had Never Done
1) Take out my third earrings. Repiercing sucks.
2) Listen to a word of your nonsense.
3) Drift.
4) Stop drawing.
5) Fuck up my sleeping pattern during last school year.
6) Trust people.

In other news,
I'm a paranoid freak and I'm losing my mind.
Probably because I t0t3s have schizophrenia, and I can teleport and shape shift.

Day Four: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1) Memories
2) How awkward I am
3) Everything I wish to accomplish
4) This one time, when Taylor called Jared, Jared Badman, and then he yelled down the hall in one of his voices "GOT MEE".
5) Honesty, and stuff.
6) Flaws
7) Friends, and people :)

So, I made a tumblr. But I won't forget about you, blogger.

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrg.
GUESS WHAT, I WANT TO SCREAM STUFF.
I need a mountain.
Get me one for my birthday, it's on Friday.

Romeo's sitting to my left, he's so cute.

Day 3, shut up, it's a new day.
1) Talk to me.
2) Talk to me.
3) Talk to me.
4) Talk to me.
5) Talk to me.
6) Talk to me.
7) Talk to me.
8) Don't be a fucking baddie, i.e. ignorant, close-minded, just plain cruel, etc.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee, I need sleep

The stuff I posted last night doesn't even make sense to me now.
I do that a lot. Hmm.

10 Day Challenge
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself
1) I love my cat, a lot. He's sitting beside me to my left right now. And I know of someone who tattoo'd (cantspell) their cat's name to themself. I really respect that. Cat lovers, unite!
2) It seems like there is always something wrong with my big toe on my left foot. But really, only lately.
3) My favourite smell in the world is cold air, combined with clean laundry. Why isn't there a "cold air" candle? I'd be all over that.
4) I love change, so much.
5) I haven't fallen asleep before 11pm in at least 2 years, probably more like 3. No, I don't have insomnia.
6) I'm straight, but I'm frequently attracted to girls. More often than I am to boys. Shh.
7) I don't do what I want to do often enough.
8) I've probably spent at least 20% of my life having imaginary conversations. Not with an imaginary friend or anything, but as if my real friend is with me. I tell them my deepest darkest secrets, and what's really on my mind, and then I pretend to be them and answer myself. We have really good conversations. Good conversations are my favourite thing ever, but they're more often unreal than not.
9) I hate staying home at night. It just doesn't seem right. But I can also appreciate it. (:

That said, bye now. I'm sorry I'm boring.

Oh, I'm back.
I have so much on my mind. I was gonna blog about the thoughts I was having during the flight home, and about everything I did in NYC, but now... I don't feel like it. Not tonight. Also, my phone keeps vibrating but it's not near me and I don't want to move and I really hope it's not Alexander texting me, because I feel like talking to him, and I'd feel bad if it was his texts I'm ignoring. Lazy, I know.

I have so much on my mind right now.
Going to NYC was so needed. Just to get the fuck out of London, even if for only a few days. I needed a break. I need a longer one, actually. FuckyouLondon. But whatever. However, I don't like my brother. He talks too much, and he makes fun of me, and he complains a lot, and he yells, and he gets annoyed, and oh my god I hate it when he yells, and it upsets me. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time with him. And I'm glad to be alone, sitting in a corner, with my laptop, and alone.
There's so much going on right now, I can't function. I want to puke. But no.
Umm. I have so many thoughts, fuck.

UGH. I WANT TO SHUT DOWN THE SYSTEM.

I'll do this instead:
10 Day Challenge.
Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1) I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE.

2) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry every day.

3) I think you'll always be one of my favourite people, ever. Even in 30 years, when we're probably not in contact anymore.

4) I always want to talk to you.

5) You really fucked things over. Everything we have tends to suck a lot now. Good job. And the best part is, you don't even realize it. GOOD JOB.

6) You sicken me. You're one of the lowest lows. Your entire life is a fucking lie, what kind of human are you?

7) I aaam running OUT of words to saay to you.

8) Helpyhelpyhelpyhelpy. Pl0x.

9) )':

10) Sometimes, when I feel down, I picture just meeting you. It makes me smile.

Also, you know what I realized?
My biggest fear in the world: Anger.

Wooooooo.

186th post. Oh boy.

Oh yeah, you caught me. But I caught you way worse.
We drown traitors in shallow water.

I liek me some Fall Out Boy.

ALSO, FINALLY.
I'm leaving for NYC in 7 hours. Bye. :)

Today was an amazing day.

I hung out with Sam, just the two of us. We haven't done that since Winter, I don't think.

Well, no. First, I hung out at the library for 4 hours. I read almost every Alternative Press magazine they had. I like Alternative Press :3 I also watched livelavalive videos. All this time alone, but not isolated, was a really good thing.

Then, I met up with Sam and we sat in Starbucks, drinking our delicious, overpriced, caffeinated beverages. We had a really nice, kind of meaningful conversation about how fucked up society is steadily becoming. I haven't had a conversation like that in sooo long. It felt amazing. :D I think we were sitting in there for almost an hour and a half. Also, Starbucks has such a nice atmosphere.

Then, we went back to her house and sat in her room. There was A LOT of fire, which was fun and refreshing. Also, seeing all the art around her bedroom really inspired me. I want to get back into art, and hanging out with Sam sure makes it seem... more possible.

Also, we just talked, about stuff. About whatever. It was really nice, getting caught up with her, and hearing all her stories. It made me realize just how different her school is from mine. I'm so stoked, but anxious to go there. I hope it doesn't change me toooo much. But whatever, that's a ways off.

So, eventually I left her house and walked to mine. Walking home, I realized a lot of really personal stuff that I refuse to write about in this blog. Plus, I've already written about it elsewhere. :P Wuhbam.

Today was just soooooooo good. It's easily made top 10 of my favourite days this summer, maybe even top 5. Somehow, re-connecting with Sam a bit helped me to better connect with and understand myself. Self assurance is a beautiful thing.

:)

Also, old habits die hard. Don't go forgettin' that.

Bye nowww.

Also, I want to wake up and find that it's Tuesday.

Rant.

I'm so sick and disgusted with how fucked up society is.
Everyone is so ignorant and judgemental. I hate it, so much.
What gives you the right to point out every single little thing that you think is "wrong" about a person? And how can you say that without critiquing YOURSELF? We're all inevitably flawed human beings, so what do you think gives you the right to put others down? It's so entirely wrong!

We all live together on this planet. So open your eyes and try a different perspective.

But of course, the world will never come to this, and it pisses me off to no end.

): I'm gonna go play guitar.

I'm really content with life right now.

Alright, so I'm just gonna jump into it.

A little while ago, a so called "friend" of mine and others sent an email to one of my friends. In this email, she pretty much listed why she hates us all. Of all the rude, insensitive things...
One of her main reasons was that we all "lie to and disrespect our parents". Isn't that a joke? I worship my mother, she's my favourite person on earth. I'm so far from being a liar! I don't understand where she's getting this from. We're pretty decent kids, except for one, but whatever. Also, she says we're too in to bad things, like drugs and sex. Excuse me? Weeee're not the ones doinganalandsnortingcrack, cough. I'm so annoyed with this! Then she had the nerve to call me a snob. Who was the one who just sent a long email about why she's better than all of us, as if she's never made a mistake or done something wrong? She goes on about how disrespecting parents is wrong, well what about disrespecting FRIENDS? I'm shocked at how much of an insensitive hypocrite she really is. |:

Another rant, I went to a mall today with my friend, and we made a free hugs sign. And guess what? I was disgusted with how it went.
There were incredibly sleazy boys who confronted us and were... well, sleazy. It was awful. And then a group of guys made horrid remarks and quite frankly, I felt like shit. There were also some truly snobby girls. :/
But then there was this gay couple, and they were some of the sweetest people I've ever met. And actually, I think they were two of maybe five nice people we met throughout the day. It's awful.
My friend and I try to do something nice for total strangers, and they spit in our faces. (Figuratively speaking.) I tried this before at a different mall, and it went really well!

I don't know what it is with people.
We need more easy going, loving people on this earth. It's just plain disgusting how society is now. ):

But I'm not giving up, and am going back to the other mall on the weekend :)
...and never trying that again at that mall today. Yeah.

Anyway, brief rant over, I'm done blogging.
Bye.

Metal Now >:]

I wanna ROB you of your game face, so I can cower beneath your words.
Cause I'm a freak from the same place? Let suicide make a meal for birds.
Into your heart, I've got the dagger. The metaphor will suffice for now.

Get in my bed, I wanna kill you.
Show you mine if you show me how.

IGETANGRY, when you're around.
IGETNASTY, when you're around.

So, here I am. Will you deny me?
Metal now, but I've always been.

I want it now. I want the danger.
Give me strength and I'll give you wings.

(:

The one and only Brooklyn Bridge :)
Humdiddlydum, I'm so stoked to get away from London. Breaks from certain things are indeed, greatly anticipated.

And until then, this is gonna be a good week. >:]
That's not an evil smile, that's a determination smile, BYTHEWAY.

fskfsknfnjrfbye.

):
It's glorious outside.

I need a best friend.

Everything is gross.

that sneaky little devil ain't comin' clean.

nksjdnfjkng.
Postypostypost.
Ummm, I stretched my ears again. My birthday's in 19 days, wtf. Finally.
I'm going to NYC in less than two weeks...
I won't mention what's coming up shortly after my birthday, because that's gross.
I walked home through a dark park with lightning last night with two friends. I liked it. I'm hanging out with a new friend tonight. I guess this calls for more walking around at night. I like it. I'm learning some Nevershoutnever on guitar, and it's making me glad. I'm gonna... hang out with people. Yeah. Summer's almost over, and I'm gonna try to make the most of it, but don't mention this to me, otherwise I'll panic like I do when I write french exams. Today I'm just kinda hanging out with my brother, but then I'm hanging out with new friend. I hope I stay out late.
1, 2, 3, 4 (that's more than I can afford), 5.
It's mandytory.

I don't really know why I posted this, I just needed to waste 5 minutes. Bye.

I'm really sick of the chinese (or whatever language it is) spam comments.
As if my blog couldn't get any lower.
I'm not gonna post for a bit.

NSJKNSADFSK,JTRCXDKMV,CRXFMVRKSDNCXNASJDKJFNWSJFJKWERFRFWN
I hate you.

ndfskjfndewmndfrwenfnerfkjnfjre
I don't feeeeeel, ANYTHING. It's not working, it's not happening.

And that puts all these dumb little ideas in my brain and honestly I think I'll tear all my inards out of my right ear.
):
fjewijfdeklfklfkaklKJDALNKFDKNSklkfadmsfskfxlksxkDKNAKDMFADKMNkfnjsefnernjfvrjkrksrfvsdfskmdsdkdkjfcjdajndajadgkdjerkferriierjnnesijwenjfsjdoeshateyou

Alex Pardee posted this and it looks intriguing so I guess I'll read it and if I don't like it then I guess I'll do something else.

That's how life works, ain't it?

I think I'm done with writing letters. The remaining topics are too closely related, and, if it wasn't obvious, I really don't enjoy writing them anymore. That said, I guess I'll just... write. I kind of want to do what I did with an old blog; not being so damn open. But, I'm not going to do that tonight. Bye.

Day 26
Dear Last Person That I Did, Infact, Kiss,
Hi. fmsjdnfjkfnd. I suck at letters lately. We have a good thing. Yeah. You're a cool person, I'm glad I know you. I sometimes kinda wish we talked more. Not that we don't talk a lot. We talk all the time, every day. I don't know, I'm kind of thinking quality, not quantity. But, I'm not complaining. It's my fault anyway, I'm not open. Mind you, we have way better conversations than I have with tons of people. So, yeah. :) Cool, jfksndkjnfjke,. Letters suck.

Today I went to the beach. I didn't put sunscreen on my back, so now it's burnt. I had a really fun time though. :} Must go back soooon.

Also, I hung out with Rachel today. :D

Bye.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Also, you're not original, unique or attractive and you don't stand out in a crowd. You're far too full of yourself, and quite frankly, most people don't actually like you. I hope your own life suffocates you. So crawl back into the 6 foot ditch you dug, and I'll top the dirt off to keep you down. Free of charge, you're welcome :)

Ohboy, me again.
I'm in my kitchen making sandwiches (that's right), and waiting for the bread to thaw, so I figured I'd do the next day too.
Someone I wish to give a second chance to:
Dear You,
I'm gonna paste you up, cover you in wallpaper, screw shelves into you and call you a wall. Not actually.
I don't know. I know I've given you more than two chances. And the chances will just keep on comin'. This is what we call unconditional love.
That is all.

Also, my puppy is frolicking around the house right now.
Also, I'm having a picnic tomorrow with some friends. I'm excited :3 I'm preparing only the best of sandwiches, fully loaded with love.
Cute, isn't it?

I like summer. Bye now.

Day lost count.
Guess what, world? I judge EVERYONE by their first impressions. I'm not writing a letter for that.

I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't been thinking as much. I think I'm brain dead. Coooooooool. Hopefully I'll post something soon.

If I had it my way, I'd slit your throat with the knife that you left in my back.
You do this every fucking time. If you do this one more time, I'll bite your fucking fingers off.
Put that gun to your head. You're a fucking disgrace. Seconds from the end, what's it gonna be? Pull the trigger bitch. x__x

fjkfnwekjnfkjw I feel sick. ):

Day Lostcount.
There was no one who ever broke my heart. Uhh. Metaphorically, everything last year and the year before pulled my heart apart a bit, but I'm okay.

WE'RE OKAAAAAAAAAY

Tell them will do, but a settlement won't do. Sexual harrassment and civil rights too. Steve, you're great. No, you cut the paper plate! Did you cheat on Mark a lot!? Would you say: we're okay?

Final conclusion: I haven't truly FELT in so long. :3

day19>concerts>religion>adoration>goals

Day 19- someone who pesters your mind a lot, good or bad
Woooooooo, um... I pester myself a lot, bad. You have noo idea just how often I chant in my head "IMPROVE, goddammit, IMPROVE." It's not all bad though. Kind of motivational when I feel like it. OH, and now I look like a creep who talks to herself. Cool :3 Also, I know I didn't write a letter about this. It doesn't seem necessary.

Nehh, let's go work on that improvement thing.

WAIT NO.
First, I went to a concert tonight. It was pretty flippin religious, I must say. Aaron Gilespie was going on about how Jesus loves us, and even if we think that's crazy, he stills loves us, quotes from Matthew, blahblahblah. I was just kind of sitting there, not really sure what to do with myself. Like, obviously the earth was created somehow. I see the scientific part of that, the big bang theory. But I question how the means of that got there to begin with. There can't seriously be a Jesus, or God, or fuckingwhatever. It's impossible. No one can have that much love. No one can keep so many tabs. It's fucking impossible.
Uggggh, that reminds me of something I read in Stones, when Raphaella was talking about the greater knowledge in the world- the one science can't explain. I guess a greater being would fall into that category. What am I supposed to do with this? I certainly don't believe the bible stories. I've always looked at those like nursery rhymes, or my favourite Disney stories. They've never seemed real to me. I guess if I believed in Jesus, I'd believe the stories too. I guess I can see how it would all play together.
However, religion seems a bit ignorant to me, with how the high bar is. Come now, "God", you can't tell us that being gay is wrong. Surely when you were "creating" us all, you recognized that just because we are yours, doesn't mean we don't have totally different personalities; like how our parents shit bricks when we don't want to follow in their footsteps. Oh, speaking of... erm, not being straight... I think I might be a litttle tiny bit bi. Is that even possible? To be a little bit bi? Eh, whatever, sure it is. I don't feel like pondering that thought.
Right, so, religion. I like Christofer Drew's view on religion. He believes in God or whatever, but doesn't practice anything. That's good. That's loving and accepting, and not absorbed. I wish I could be like that. FUCK, I WANT TO BE CHRISTOFER DREW. SO BADLY. He's the most loving, happy, nfsdkjnfkjrd person in the whole world. I'll rant about my admiration of him some other day. Fuck that, it's already 2:30, I'm writing about it now.

So, I saw him perform at Warped Tour, and he took my breath away. Is it fair to say he completed my life? He is MY Jesus, I swear. Jesus is supposed to love us all, and feel all our pain with us, and be by our side, and love us no matter how badly we fuck up. Christofer Drew is like that, I swear! I know I'm fourteen, and I am typically viewed as a starstruck teenybopper, but I'll just go with it anyway. The love he spread when he played... it was radiant. You could feel it, strong, powerful, protecting, everywhere. Unless maybe you're a heartless wench. Then, you might not have felt it. But it was the most overpowering love I've ever felt, spread throughout such a big place. It was how I imagine faith and love in religion would feel, or is supposed to feel. Sure, you feel love when you're surrounded by friends, no doubt about it, and when you're with family, maybe celebrating your birthday. But, you know what I'm talking about- one of those moments with important people, that make you feel IMPORTANT. But when Christofer Drew performed, it was that strong, but it was spread throughout hundreds of people. Maybe I'm just too emotional, or maybe I'm on to something. I really don't know. But honestly, he's a beautiful walking accomplishment. A sort of hero, if you will.

Where did I go in my religion rant? Right, so, Aaron's preaching, and I don't know how to feel. I want to believe, but I can't believe in all of it. I might just be too young to understand that love right now, but... ugh. I'll figure it out. I just need more life.

Speaking of life, I feel like I'm going nowhere. It's August, and I haven't done much differently. Hmm :/

I'll set some goals-
1) Unawkwardify to the best of my ability.
2) Get less ugly.
3) Undrift with Sam, to a reasonable extent.
4) Hang out with all of my closest friends, at least once. Without Emily. Emily, if you're reading this, don't take any offense. ILUHHYOUGURL.
5) Practice guitar more, to an extent where playing in front of people feels alright.
6) Keep reading.
7) Go places alone more often. Needs more perspective, time to myself, and thoughtfulness.

KAY. MUST DO THIS. I'm set on it. I'll write some form of a reminder on my arm/hand at some point, to stay true to this.

Knowing me, I probably won't get number 5 done. I'll need severe reminders with that. :/

Also, I'm off now. I needed this. Bye.

fuckyeah, leet speak.

I just changed my fabo language to that. Pretty cool shit, I must say. Also, here's day 18. It'll be a lengthy one.

Dear Mandy,
You're gross. I wish a lot of things were different about you. I wish you weren't so awkward. Is it really that difficult to sit a fucking table with some friends and eat? It's human. Don't be such an awkward loser. Nobody notices half the things you do about yourself. By avoiding things you think are awkward, YOUMAKEITAWKWARD. St00p!d f000l. QUIT MAKING EVERYTHING A BIG DEAL. Just stop it. Right now. Also, quit eating. If you're not going to eat around your friends, you shouldn't be eating around yourself. Do you ever even look in the mirror? You're disgusting. One day your skin will be stretched so much, it'll rip, and all the fat will just gush out and you'll die. Happy? Oh, and quit complaining about not having friends. That's your fault. Would it kill you to talk? Make conversation? Probably. BUT GET OVER IT. I wish we could fix all of your ugly features. I wish you were better at sleeping. Idiot, you should be sleeping right now, but no, you'll probably only sleep for an hour.
But finally, I wish you didn't care so much. The truth is, you're probably too hard on yourself. Flaws probably add character. Hmm.

Kbyeletter.

I don't want to blog right now.

Day 17, someone from my childhood
I don't want to write to someone from my childhood :/ Ehh, I'll write to someone from last year. That's basically part of my childhood.
Dear Anonymous Person,
I wish we were still friends.
From, Mandy.

Wow, my letters are so lengthy now. It's awesome. Sheesh, I need a more interesting character to write to.

Anyway, today I cleaned my room a bit. Well, more than I've ever cleaned it since I moved here, really. I feel accomplished, though I still have a lot more to do. But I'll get to it.

I also completely lack iniative to blog right now. Bye.

I can't sleep for the life of me. Nomnomgravol.

Day 16
Someone not in my province
Umm... Dear Christofer Drew,
I'm a real big fan of yours. Yes sir. Your music makes my heart do a little jig. You have this incredible mood-altering magic to you. I like it, very much. I died when you commented on my myspace. Keep the music coming. :3


ndfjkcnsdjfknfjkws
Can't sleeeeeeeep.
Today I went to the mall with two friends. I spent all my money on tapers. Weee, going from 18ga to 12ga. It's kind of addicting, I want to stretch them more. However, I don't think I'll stretch them more than 8ga. I don't want to get gross about it. :3 And I re-pierced the second hole. Not stretching those though, that'd be dumb. However, I must seek out some studs. I dig piercings. Maybe I'll get conch and helix done. Maybe. I guess that means I should start showing my ears, haha. Seriously, it's all I can think about right now. Laaaaame, I know.

Derrr, I'm in a good mood. I like it when I'm in a good mood. Life is good, isn't it? I might be finally hanging out with Rachel today. I miss her, holy geez. She's going to Calgary soon, I'll be sad ): Hopefully we'll hang out when she's back. Also, I just decided I'm not going to stretch my ears anymore. Unless I feel reeeaaally impulsive one day. NO. I'm going to save my impulsiveness for getting other things pierced. Yeah :3 Anyway. I need to make money. Humdiddlydum, I like music. And hair dye. But I just bleached mine, I can't do much to it for now. Hmmm. I love Sierra Kusterbeck. Oh my god guys, I guess that makes me a lesbian. Yeah, anyway. Did I mention I'm going to NYC in August? I'm going to NYC in August. I'm excited.

ndfjkdnfkjsndkjsf
I feel really hopeful right now, I don't know why. It's weird. I need sleep. I don't know what to blog about. I'm starting to feel sleepy, but I won't actually be able to fall asleep :/ I hate not being able to fall asleep. I'm sick of blogging, bye.

D'aww :3 I kind of want to make a tumblr. Also, I stretched my ears. Also, I'll post a letter tomorrow. Mandy needs sleeps. Gooodnight.

Get me out of this cavern or I'll cave in

Day 15
I don't miss anyone too much right now. Sorry.

Cool, blogging.
So, yesterday was Jared's birthday. It started with the usual, Emily coming over at 7:30, us acting like idiots because we're tired as hell and didn't get enough sleep, then getting ready, then leaving for the day. We went to mandarin with Jared, and three of us his friends. One of them, I'm moderately well-acquainted with, another I've met twice and barely ever said a word to, and the other, new. Awesome. The friend I actually was kind of acquainted with was with us for the shortest amount of time. SUPER AWKWARD, AWESOMEEE. Then, the other friends left and it was the three of us, there was some trouble, and we ended up going for a drive to... well, outside London, I guess. Somewhere on the highway. Cool. Then we went back to his house and watched Hostile and hung out and yeah. Oh my god, I'm glad I'm home. I can't even remember the last time I was as awkward there as I was yesterday. Seriously, all I could think about was ripping my skin off. Ewwwwewewewew. Barfff. I keep thinking about it, and I just want to throw up. I haaaaaate myself. Well, parts of myself. I don't know. Ugh. Ick. I can't even get over it. I need to buy a new lighter.

fdsnkjnfdjkdeeeeeee, I'm gonna make friends. I'm gonna not be such a loser. :] No one cares about how awkward I am, so I'm over it.

KAWESOMEBYE.

Day 14
How could I choose just one person?
Umm... Dear Sam,
I chose you, because we used to always talk about drifting. We were afraid of it happening, because, y'know, we were besties. Nehh, I remember you saying "Maaandy, don't let us drift! D:" and I'd say "I won't let it happen if you don't let it happen!"
Guess what? We let it happen.
But, drifting is inevitable. We're still on great terms, happy, have friends... we're okay. (: We had good times, I'm sure we'll have more sometime. Thanks for being such a great friend last year. <3

I've come to realize I hate signing letters.

Eeeep, I have a lot on my mind. I think I'll go to sleep. Maybe I'll blog more thoroughly tomorrow. G'night internet.

Day 13
I can't even think of anyone who I wish would forgive me. I'm not a bad person. I don't hurt people too often. If I did hurt you, and you haven't already forgiven me, there's probably a big reason behind that that prevents me from even wanting your forgiveness. Perhaps it's a two way street. Anyway, if you're holding a grudge against me, so be it. Life goes on. Maybe I hope all the fabulous people that I've accidentally given death glares to will forgive me. There, that.

On another note, I feel like shit. I'm incredibly paranoid and stressed out right now. I can safely blame that on the lack of sleep. So why is it 10:37 and I'm dead and awake? I don't know. I've just started hating sleep. No wait, I hate rejection. I hate it when my body rejects sleep, among other things. FSDNFJSKDNJKSDNKJNDKWENFIEIM. I feel so crappy, I need to sleep ): But I need to talk to people. I need to make friends. Fuck you Mandy, no one would want to make friends with you. Your cat's litter box is more interesting, and probably prettier too.

GUESS WHAT, I CAN KEEP A SECRET.

On a completely irrelevant note,
I was looking at pictures from winter and... it's safe to say, I've gotten uglier. ):

Dammit Mandy, IMPROVE.

Day 12

Someone I hate/ has caused me a lot of pain.
Well, you know I can't hate.

Dear Anonymous Person,
You have indeed caused me a lot of pain. Being friends with you was a bit like torture. I still clearly remember when we would talk on the phone till 4 am, and I'd be in tears the entire time. I'd have to put the phone down for a good five minutes to just... cry, really really horribly cry. I don't think I ever cried as hard as I did when I was friends with you. I cried all the time; before I went to sleep, shortly after waking up, halfway through meals, at school, in friends' washrooms, in public washrooms, at the park. It was sad. You made me sad.
I didn't understand you. I still don't. You made no sense to me. I still don't know if you intended to make me feel so fucking awful all the time. You claimed you didn't. You claimed you hurt more than I did. Is that why you threw yourself harshly into the pavement? Is that why you clawed yourself apart all night? Is that why you gave up on your school work? Is that what put you in the hospital?
You're an actor. Was it all an act? I don't know why I find it so hard to trust you. I've thought about it plenty of times, if the things I did made me a selfish person. Or was it you who was selfish? You made me feel disgusted with myself. You called me beautiful, but I had never felt so ugly. You had so much trouble accepting the word 'no'. You always had to be right, didn't you? Being older made you so superior, didn't it? You're not confident, you're cocky. Truly cocky.
You said I was wonderful, but never wonderful enough, it seemed. You tried to persuade me to do things I didn't want to do. I remember one of your most commonly used reasons was "If you do this, you'll be more accepted with society." That's total bullshit. Your view on the world is truly fucked up. Also, you're horrible at making people feel better.
But I don't mean to make you sound like the bad guy. We didn't always have bad times. Only 80% of the time. But hell if I remember the other 20%. I know I hurt you, but I certainly couldn't help it. Our personalities don't mix well, okay? Stop associating with people like me. It won't work.
I've learned a lot though. I'm stronger now.
I still hurt sometimes. I might even still cry sometimes. But certainly not every day now. Not even every week. Everything that happened with us feels like a blur now. A really painful blur. Did you know that I never actually told ANYONE everything that happened with us? Never did, and I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not sure about a lot. All I know is, I never want to hurt that much ever again.
I'm strong enough to handle it, sure. It's not pleasant though. I'm glad you're gone.

I refuse to sign this letter.

The End.

Day 11, this one's a given. A deceased person I wish I could talk to.
Dear Father,
Hey.
From, your daughter.

Some of the letters are kind of lame topics. Whatever.
I was going to blog a lot, but I'm drawing a blank. I don't feel like rambling tonight. Maybe later. Fail.

Day 10
I wish I talked to my friend Alia more.
I know I already talked about this in my previous post, but I hung out with her a lot yesterday, and... y'know, we clicked. We're just relateable. She's honest and insightful. I can trust her. When I was with her, I wanted to tell her stuff, and I wanted to hear what she had to say. She was like... a good friend. And, I've been lacking that. I have friends of course, and I have people I can talk to. My bffl can easily be trusted, I know that. If I want to talk about something, he's typically the first person that comes to mind. I could talk to my other best friend, but I know she'll tell it all to another friend, and that friend will tell others. Actually, it's that way with all my friends, except one who I don't even talk to that much anymore. I could also talk to Jesus (not the one everyone prays to, mine) but... that's the thing. The only people I can talk to and trust are guys. I don't want to sound sexist, guys are wonderful, I'm so thankful for my bffl and Jesus, they're great people. But, y'know, every girl needs a female best friend. Well, not necessarily best friend, but a girl to talk to. Other than their mom. And one that they can actually trust. I used to have three, now I have one I never see, one I don't see as much, and one I can't trust. Wow, I've really rambled.

Anyway, Alia's great to talk to, and tons of fun.

Dear Alia,
I really admire your honesty. We have some great things in common, and I bet you have some good insight. You're a fun person, and I hope to see more of you. Also, I'm talking to you on msn right now. I guess I don't need to "wish" to talk to you more, because it's already happening. Go me.
From, Mandy.

I know I sound obsessed with the concept of making friends. I probably am.

Also, I just read my bffls latest entry, and I must say, I completely understand. I used to be a more busy person. I'd stay home and do nothing once a week basically. I'd be out kind of late, and lovin it. I don't do that anymore. I used to go to concerts, and it felt good. I could kind of move with the music, and scream until my lungs caught fire. I don't do that anymore. It's too much about the scene, for a lot of people. Fuck the scene, I want music. Anyway, group hangouts are scarce. I mostly just hang out with Emily, and sometimes another person is with us. And then once or twice a week I hangout with Jesus. Maybe I'm diminishing it, but I'm surely not like one friend. I swear she's never home for more than 4 hours, unless she's sleeping. Kind of envious of that. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel desperate to have friends. YES, I will consume mass amounts of alcohol with you, smoke myself to cancer, get in to a series of shenanigans, and then later find myself tagged in particularly bemeaning photos on Facebook. I'd absolutely love to, if only you'll promise we can do it again sometime soon.

Pathetic, isn't it? Could I really stoop so low?
No, of course not. That's no way to live, is it? Letting go of everything doesn't mean living life to the fullest, it means letting go of LIFE. Life isn't all fun, there's the serious aspect of it all as well, don't you think? My father died from that monster alcohol, I couldn't let myself sink like that. I've watched people fall apart because of drugs. The low isn't worth the high.
I wouldn't just be letting down the many people around me, I'd be letting down myself. I'd be disappointing my mother, spitting on my father's corpse, putting my brother to shame, losing my friends, the list goes on. Couldn't do that.

Surely I'm not the only person like this. Edge kids can have fun too, right? Of course they can, most people are just too ignorant to realize it. Perhaps I should arrange for a fire with some friends, or to go bowling. Yeah, that. Or, y'know, just simply playing with fire. IT'S FUN, OKAY?

So you can blow your peer pressure, rippin fat seshes, STIs and abortions, and forgotten drunken nights OUT OF YOUR ASS.

This was a long entry. Goodnight.

152nd post

BIG DEAL BIG DEAL BIG DEALLL

Day 8
I wish I could meet a lot of people. But...
Dear Gerard Way,
You seem like a kickass guy. I can't even begin to fathom all the shit you've been through. You're inspiring, funny, real, talented, and... just really good. I love you, thank you for being you.

Short letters rock.
So, my friends don't even care about My Chemical Romance anymore. Too br00tal, cool, or indie for that shit, I guess. Oh well.

So I had a really amazing day. I hung out with Alexander and Sam first, and I really wish I could've stayed longer. Sam and I have drifted so much, it makes me want to rip my eyeballs out. 2 and a half hours is crappy. Soo not long enough. ): ): ):
Also, Alexander would make a fabulous tranny/hxc goth.

Then I went downtown with some people and watched them get pierced. Then we navigated to a mall, then back to our homeland. Soon it was just Emily, Alia and I and I loved it. I love Alia. Her and I have so much in common, I had no idea. I think I might even be able to hang out with her alone sometime. That's what I'm trying to do; hang out with people without Emily. She's trying too. It's weird. I need improvement.

That's all I can think about anymore. Improvement. My appearance needs improvement. My personality needs improvement. My bedroom needs improvement. My everything needs improvement. There just aren't enough hours in the day! I'm losing my mind. I need to sleep for like, a week. Now I want to cry, because I'm just so exhausted. ):

Now I want to go to bed, but I can't, and I can't sleep in anyway, and I need to die and sleep and clean and cry and make friends and see other friends and my former best friend makes no effort to hang out with me and I don't even think she likes me anymore and I don't even know if I like me anymore because I don't know who I am anymore because I'm so overtired and it makes me feel bipolar and I need more life and control and I hate you so much and I'll never get over all the things you did and I need a lighter and I need to see you suffer and I need candles and I need a new bed and I need improvement and I need to be better so much better and I need to see you suffer and I need to stab you and I need to be alone and I need to see you and I need to sleep and I need to do stupid harmful things and I need to improve myself and I need to stop thinking that harming is improving and I need to see you suffer and I need sleep. Run on sentences ftw.

K, goodnight.

I hate actors who seem genuine.
I hate my ex girlfriend, though she's feminine.
I hate the singer with the denim shit.
I hate that hospital in Texas.
I hate the rapper in the Lexus.
I hate the pills I ate for breakfast.
I hate everyone.
I guess that everyone includes me, and that's why I'm a humanist.

I hate my brother for playing World of Warcraft. I hate my dog for being so hyper. I hate my cat for hating me. I hate the kids at school for ignorantly judging me. I hate myself for letting them. I hate my dad for dying. I hate the fucktard who got in the fucking car and decided to drive. I hate teenagers for trashing their lives. I hate the kid from Beal who gave his life for meth. I hate his acquaintances for not learning from his mistake. I hate my former best friend for being such a jerk. I hate my face for being so disgustingly shaped. I hate time for passsing so quickly. I hate papers for being so time consuming and boring. I hate myself for never sleeping anymore. I hate myself for a lot of things. I hate a lot of things.

...on opposite day.

I don't actually hate everything. I am not angry.

I luhh you gurl?

Day 8
I don't really have any internet friends, nor do I really want any. Friendships are so much better in person. Online can be total shit. It's so much easier to lie and hide things, and you can't connect as well. Sorry, I'm not like my friends who live for that kind of thing. Though there is this one guy. I don't know, I wouldn't call him my friend, but he's the only person I talk to online.
Dear Asian Invasion,
I have no clue what your actual name is. You seem cool enough though, and really proud of your... asianness. Go, you. Let's talk some more.
Kbye.
-Mandy Kills

Day 7
I do not have an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love. I do not remember my ex crushes. However, in grade 6 I was obsessed with Adam Lazzara, like a little fan girl.

Dear Adam Lazzara,
I was 11 and you were 25. I thought you were the most attractive human to ever grace this planet. Your voice made me swoon. I always watched that video of you and Fred acting silly on fuse whenever I felt down. It made me smile, and then giggle, even when I was originally frowning. I watched the MakeDamnSure video every day. One day I even watched it 27 times in a row. It comforted me. You and your band introduced me to good music and made me the person I am today. I still listen to you when I feel bad. Oh, and I was convinced we'd meet again when I was 18, older, prettier, taller, more mature, and you'd fall in love with me and we'd get married. I very nearly cried when you and Chauntelle got engaged. I hated her out of envy. 14 years and a fiance wasn't quite enough to crush my dreams. However, I got over you by grade 7. Something about reality setting in. Now I'm almost 4 years older, and you're married and have a son. I'm incredibly happy for you, and I listen to Eisley frequently. I respect you, a lot. Your music still comforts me, and that video of you and Fred acting silly on fuse still makes me smile. I appreciate you for more than your looks, but I still think you're incredibly attractive. I just don't have a ridiculous crush on you anymore. You're more like a hero or something. Anyway, bye.
-Your Biggest Fan

It turns out that I give an unhealthy amount of death glares to people that I don't know well. Awesome.