Apparently I haven't blogged since december 8th? Where have I even been, I don't know.

I've been up to my ears working on art stuff. I sort of finished one sculpture, nearly finished a candleholder for jake's mom, nearly finished my lithography drawing, finished an etching... over the break I have to make another sculpture, make another etching, read a book for english, write a script for english and see people and stop being sad and stuff. Christmas was really nice. I have a ton of fabulous books I look forward to reading next semester, as well as some lovely new clothes aand a new laptop. I'm spoiled and stuff. Jake got me an exceptionally glorious coat, as well as netflix. Netflix is making it really difficult to be productive though, but oh well. Wow thinking of school is overwhelming. Today I'm giving alexander and emily their presents, I hope they like them and stuff. jnfdknfvksnsj I wish I hadn't just made that list of everything I have to do, now I'm overwhelmed. I'll manage jfnskjnfsdk okay.

I've also been hanging out with my friend Jordan at school at lot which has been awesome. We also went to a really awesome vintage store and I helped him pick out gifts for his girlfriend and he helped me pick out gifts for Jake. Teeeaamwork. We also exchanged christmas presents, it was delightful. I'm so glad to have another friend in the art program. We critique each others' work, yay woo. I've also been working a fair bit. I worked saturday, sunday and monday. My next shift is sunday and it's my first 6 hour shift, oh my oh my! I don't love my job, but I've gotten okay at it. It is what it is. I need money. I'm also on new medication. I think it makes me feel more numb than anything. It also gives me headaches. I guess we'll see how that goes.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about trust, and how to react to and connect with people in general. I never blogged about this in detail because I hate thinking about it and it makes me feel embarassed and like a worthless piece of shit. But, Jake's been cheating on me for a while, kind of. I found out a month ago, gave him hell for it and didn't budge until he was crying begging for forgiveness. It was a shitty experience. I guess he's stopped though? I'm giving him another chance which most people will find incredibly stupid. Obviously things haven't been the same since. I don't think they ever will be.

This made me think about how betrayed my mom felt when I was lying and drinking. I love my mom, I'm dead serious about that. But I've still lied to her since. I feel bad every time, but I like what I get up to, and it's just easier not having her constantly disappointed in me. Just because Jake lied to me, doesn't mean he doesn't love me? I don't know, this is getting so gay, I hate talking about feelings. I'll never really trust him again, I think. And I don't think my mom should ever trust me to be fully honest with her. It's heart breaking, but it's honest. Love can exist without trust. I think I'm deciding to stop trusting people all together. It's human nature for everyone to put themselves first in most cases. Never again will I believe that any human being should feel differently about me. I will no longer be surprised when someone lies to me or hurts me. It happens. I am a highly insignificant person who is going to accept that this is the way life is. I will still love people, and believe that they love me to some degree, but that is completely irrelevant to trust. Lies are inevitable and trust is a fantasy concept.

everything is just awesome

I'm having a good weekend but my mind won't let me enjoy it.
Yesterday I went to Emily's and made a sculpture. It was really awesome cause she's awesome and I love sculpting but then I went home and felt like death. I took a sleeping pill, shut the lights off and tried my best to zone out and sleep. I couldn't think straight for a single second, so I went numb until I could sleep. It was a good day though. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been sleeping a lot lately. I've been crying a lot lately. I hung out with my friend Jordan tonight. We wandered downtown then went to the mall where his one black friend joined us who was more awkward than I am. We adventured around, his friend left, then his girlfriend picked us up and drove me home. She was awesome, they're awesome, and it was a lovely night. But now I'm at home and I just feel so awful and alone that I'm debating going to sleep because it just hurts too much and my thoughts keep beating me up. I don't feel good and I don't know why. I'm feeling really bad, actually. Today was another great day. Tomorrow is going to be a great day because Jake's coming over. I can't feel good about anything anymore. If I do, it's so temporary that it doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like it matters because I don't feel like I matter. I'm kind of just really not feeling good lately, and every time things seem to feel okay for a bit, I'm proven wrong. I don't even feel alive anymore. I just do things, in some happy state that doesn't even feel like me, maybe it's not genuine, and then I stop doing things and feel bad and cry and sleep as much as possible and stuff. I'm just not real. I don't exist.

thoughts that occur less than 2 minutes after posting a picture: oh my jesus christ what the hell was i thinking this isn't a good picture at all
followed by listing everything I don't like about my appearance.
YAY, SELF ESTEEM.

Uuh, a lot has happened since my last post... let's see. I went to the doctor, she told me to come back in two weeks... still feeling like shit most days, and getting really sick of waiting and appointments and crap. I guess that's life though. I spent the weekend sleeping, working, babysitting and writing my english isp. It was due Monday but then it wasn't done so I typed it up Monday night and emailed it to my teacher, but I'm pretty sure she still considered it late which means I lost 10% which feels like the end of the world sometimes. Erg. I'm glad it's out of the way though, I feel a tad less stressed.

Art has been crazy busy. I think I only have 4 weeks left of my current classes which is just kinda... fuck. I'm supposed to have two sculptures done and I'm only half done my first one and we can't stay after school to work on stuff anymore... I would truly fail if I hadn't dropped that stupid challenge and change class. Best decision I ever made. I think I'll survive sculpture though, I have a timeline worked in my mind somewhat. I also have a lot of etching, litho and printing to worry about but I'm just not going to think about that right now otherwise my head might explode and I don't think my room would look very cute flooded in tears and splattered with brains.

Monday was a very strange day. Jake and I got into another fight, and I was stressed about sculpture and my english isp so that day was kind of awful. I finished my isp and the sculpture's still well underway and my issue with Jake is mostly resolved, thankfully. It's kind of difficult for me to be happy in our relationship now though... I think I am on the surface, but deep down I'm very conflicted about it. I really hope things can go back to how they were a month ago with him.

Tuesday was a fabulous day, somewhat. I spent the first two periods working on etching and talking to my teacher a lot. Turns out he's good friends with my great uncle who used to teach in bealart. He shared a bunch of stories, and then told me a bunch of stories about many other artists and musicians he knows, and we even got a bit philosophical at one point. He's seriously such an interesting person and inspiring artist. I feel like I get a mini history lesson every time I talk to him. That made me really happy, because I rarely talk to anyone other than Michelle at school. I greatly prefer talking to teachers over students. Anyway, at lunch and for part of my spare, I hung out with my friend Jordan again. We hang out once or twice a week now which also makes me happy. It's nice to have a new friend, and we have a lot in common. He's in the art program too. Yaaaay friends, wow I'm lame. Unfortunately when I went to English I started feeling terribleterribleterrible, and it only got worse on the bus. I went to sleep as soon as I got home, woke up to go to guitar, was kind of shitty at playing, then I went home and back to bed, though it took me hours to fall asleep.

The following morning was worse. I'm pretty sure I had a nightmare or something (I've been having a lot of those lately) and I woke up late and missed my bus. The city buses were really annoying that morning, so I got to school around nine and was feeling crappy, but I instantly felt better when I saw Michelle. We worked on litho and blasted radiohead in the studio all morning. It was lovely! Then I had lunch with Jake and his friends, which wasn't so lovely. I don't like his friends when they're all together. They're nice people individually, but something about putting guys together just makes for a douchebagfest sometimes. Or maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive that day. I sat with Justin and worked on my etching over my spare which was okay. English made me miserable though. More miserable than usual. I can't explain it, but by the time I got on the bus I was ready to breakdown in tears. I didn't though, because I was with Michelle and I hate crying in front of people. So I hugged my backpack and looked out the window. It just kept getting worse and worse when I got home. I couldn't stop thinking about suicide. The idea was just there and so firm and my mind was hurting me so horribly. I couldn't cry or listen to music, I just laid in my bed and felt awful for a few hours. Korrin texted me saying she could go to The Faceless show, but I felt so miserable that I didn't want to move and cancelled on her. Then I realized I'd been looking forward to it for a month and I would probably regret not going, so I somehow found the will to get out of bed, get ready and go. I'm so glad I did. The concert was fucking awesome. All of the bands were really good, and I saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. I moshed during the faceless in a pit consisting of decently big men and two other girls. It was so fantastic to just get lost in aggressively appreciating the music. Someone fell on my ankle and it twisted weirdly and hurt a lot, so I was limping on the way home and all this morning. It's fine now though. I also bashed heads with someone which hurt a retarded amount, but other than that, I'm alive! I miss shows and moshing so ridiculously much. It made me feel a thousand times better.

Now we're up to this morning. I was freaking out for a bit of first period, feeling terrible and frantic again, but then I got really into my sculpture and worked on it for almost 4 hours. The skull is basically done! Now I just have to make the tentacles, so I think it shall be ready to be fired on Monday. Then I can start my second sculpture. I think I'm going to make a person that is kind of like a mermaid, but instead of having a fin, it has tentacles and the tentacles are going to be strangling said person. It was inspired by my shitty mood, representing self destruction. I guess I have a bit of an octopus theme going, fun stuff. Around 12:30, my mom picked me up and we went to prince al's. Then I bought Jake's Christmas present. It's frickin' fantastic. After that, I went to my first therapy meeting. I was really nervous about it at first and have been contemplating cancelling it for the longest time because I just didn't want to talk. It wasn't so bad though. The waiting room is kind of... strange. It feels like they tried too hard to make it seem like home, which is supposed to be comforting, but is for some reason more off-putting. I went into a dimly lit room to talk to one of the doctors and I was horribly anxious but she was kind of easy to talk to. I felt more comfortable around her than any other doctor I've ever talked to. The way she listened to my answers and further elaborated on what she guessed I was feeling... it's hard to explain, but she knew so well what I was going through that I almost asked her is she had social anxiety and depression too. She was also the first doctor to make me feel like I was genuinely important. All the other doctors make both issues sound like they're not a big deal, just because of how common they are. This lady was frickin' awesome though. I guess in a week or so, I'm going to start seeing a therapist. I also have a meeting with a social worker later this month. I don't know. All this treatment stuff is really weird and scary, but I guess I'm happy it's finally happening. I've been dealing with these feelings since 5th grade and they've only gotten more intense through the years. I'm kind of terrified by the idea of breaking out of this awful mindset and constant sadness, but I guess it's going to be a good thing.

There's my super long post of everything lately. I'm still feeling really stressed and worried right now, but I'm trying not to be. I'm going to fill out a questionnaire from my therapy place now. Goodnight blogger.

This feeling always used to pass, but it seems like it's every day and night now. Hurry up and make it Wednesday so I can go back to my doctor and she can give a different magic pill the chance to fix me.

Ugh, things lately... Friday I had my first art history class and it was fantastic. I love the teacher I have for that. It was a fun class. This post feels terrible, I don't know. I spent lunch and my spare with my friend Jordan again, smoking and talking and whatever. It was fabulous fun and was a good distraction from things...

After school I hung out with Jake which was painful and terrible and ugh. Long story short, he cried a lot, we almost broke up, his mom gave him hell and is making him see a councellor, I'm giving him another chance and it hurts and I feel stupid about it and I don't want to blog about him anymore. I've been feeling really crappy since, so I've been getting a lot of sleep and watching a lot of mindless television. I went to my bffl's house but I started feeling crappy really quickly, so I can't say that was all that fantastic, regardless of the lovely people there.

I have to work in an hour and a half and I'm completely dreading it. I don't know how to psych myself up for it or anything. I feel beaten down, and I think working is just going to make that worse. This is negative as hell, but I feel like my days there are numbered.... I suck. I just want to have a nap, do some art, have another nap, more art, go to bed and then wake up to a Monday that doesn't suck. I have a lot to do tomorrow... blah. Bye blogger.

Things are even stranger lately... last night I found out something crappy about Jake and it hurt me so much that I've told him not to talk to me for a bit. He called at least 15 times last night, sent a bunch of texts and a message trying to apologize but I don't want to hear it. I'm just... so incredibly let down. And I don't trust him one bit. I think at this moment it'd be very easy for me to break up with him and feel happy about it... but I also know that it'd only be short term happiness and long term sadness. So I'm not going to, but I think it'll be quite a while before things with him start to feel okay again. Luckily I didn't see him today, so avoiding him has been easy and not dwelling on the pain has also been kind of easy. I had a busy day.

This morning I worked on my sculpture until about 10:50, then I went to the library to talk to Korrin about what happened with Jake. Lunch starts at 11:15, and I hung out with someone! His name's Jordan and we've been texting buddies since the start of summer but we've only hung out once for less than an hour and our conversations at school are always brief. He's a full day art kid, so I do see him around a lot. Today he invited me to blaze at lunch with him, which I agreed to, because I have 4th spare so it'd be okay. We sat behind a flower shop smoking and talking until about halfway through 4th and it was a lot of fun. I hope he thought so, too. I really want to become better friends with him because he appreciates art like I do and we have other things in common, too. So, yeah... that was fun, and made me happy. And it took my mind off Jake. For the rest of 4th I sat with korrin in the computers class we always hang out in then wrote a test during 5th. I was sober by then, but I didn't study much so I'm almost certain I failed. It's just one test though, so whatever.

After school I worked on a ceramic project that I started last week. It was also very useful for taking my mind off Jake. The project's coming along really nicely, too. Later tonight I went to a doctor's appointment and told her my pills are making me feel worse, because they are. She said to go back in a week and if I'm still feeling awful, I'll have to start taking something else. I also start counseling on december 6th. Joy, oh joy. I think I'll go to bed early now. Goodnight.

on a less depressing note.

It's been an interesting weekend. On Friday I slept in and spent the afternoon downtown with Jake. He took me to prince al's, we went to the library and heroes, walked through the park and then he went to work. After that I went into a few stores on richmond then went home, watched a movie and got a decent amount of sleep (I think?). I have now figured out almost almost all the christmas presents I'm getting for people and am going to do Christmas shopping on friday or saturday :3 I'm excited. When I went to sleep friday night I had the strangest dream.. a lot happened.

A large portion of beal went on a field trip somewhere and we didn't get back until 3am. For some reason when we got back to school, korrin was really drunk and decided to run around naked. Some girl I don't know drove me and Michelle home but she was really clueless. Michelle got out of the car after about 20 minutes and walked home. I think I caught a magical ltc bus somehow. Maybe not. I know I got to my area around 4am. I went to Shell and ran into some girls from my class. One of them was really excited to see me and we sat down and talked for a bit. It turns out she lives near me and snuck out with her bike. (I think this part of the dream is referencing how desperately I want a friend to sit and talk with for ages. I miss that, and the girl in the dream was someone I know in real life who I wish I was friends with.) I went home to find Jake and his twin brother in my basement playing xbox. They said they were sleeping over. I was tired and didn't care and went to bed. When I woke up I played sims and found that they got rid of all of my favourite sim family's furniture and the sims were just wandering around burping in each others faces (that's funny because I think it references Jake's completely outrageous burps) but when they burped it looked like they were spewing out fire. The burp fire then turned into a sculpture of the person who's face they burped in, then turned into a pile of ashes. It was frickin weird. Later, my photography class went on a field trip to the beach... what? My photography teacher said we all had to go swimming to "wash all the terrible chemicals off". That's the most bullshit reason ever, but whatever. Something really weird happened in the water that I'm not going to blog about. I kind of just want to forget about that part. Later, I had a job at angelos and metro. I worked with a bunch of awesome friends, but the job at metro was just terrible. I was a greeter in the vegetable section and never had anything to do, so I just ate all the broccoli, which was actually asparagus in disguise and made me really sad. Then a customer came up to me and said "Are you even old enough to work here? You look like you're twelve." I sassed her out for that and told her I was sixteen. Which is kind of silly, because I'm seventeen. After that, the manager made me buy all the vegetables that didn't sell. There was many more interesting parts to the dream, but I think I've talked about it enough. I love having dreams like those. I'm always aware that I'm dreaming when it's happening near the end of them, so then it kind of feels like I'm watching a movie with myself as the main character, but I'm not seeing it from my point of view.

That dream blogging was longer than I intended it to be. Oops. Saturday, I sat around with my mom for 4 hours because we were both too lazy to move after we had breakfast so we just sat there and shot the shit. My mom's awesome. Later I went to a show that her boyfriend's band was playing in. The opening band kind of sucked, but her boyfriend's band was decent. It was in a banquet hall and majority of the people were old or middle aged which was kind of unfortunate, but overall it was an alright night.

Today I worked and it was terrible. I felt really anxious and stressed the entire time, like everyone was watching everything I was doing and nothing was right... even though I was kind of doing okay. I've even gotten a bit faster... not fast enough though, apparently. My department head told me I'm slowslowslow. I think I did pretty damn well, seeing as I've only worked there 3 weeks and I hadn't worked since my extremely slow 3 hour shift on Monday. She expects me to work as quickly as everyone else there. Everyone else has worked there for at least 3 months, much longer for most people, and a lot of them are full time. It's hard to get good at something when you get little practice. I don't mind not working a lot, but I wish I had at least 3 shifts a week, 3 or 4 hours long. Because I'm too slow, the only shift I have this week is a 4 hour shift on Sunday which kind of bothers me. I can't speed up without practice. I try really hard, and am practically running everywhere when I'm working.

Needless to say, I felt discouraged and awful when I got home. The stress of work, and all the stuff I have to do in my classes, plus other stress gave me a panic attack and it was possibly the worst one yet. It was terribleterribleterrible. I'm not going to elaborate. But once I finally calmed down, I thought about what I can do to make things easier and decided I'm going to drop my period 4 challenge and change class. I can still graduate this year if I drop it, even with my spare next semester. I'm really excited about it. I've started to loathe that class. I don't like the teacher, the two people I liked the most both dropped it so I barely talk to anyone, it's a lot of work and not what I thought it'd be. I thought it'd be mostly about sociology, psychology and anthropology... and it was, at first. Then I found out two weeks ago the rest of the semester will be about global politics which doesn't interest me and I just don't need it. I don't think I even want to go into something sociology related post-secondary, anyway. That damn class is just more stress and more work that isn't doing anything but dragging me down. I'll be able to put more work into my art and english classes which are what matter most to me. Another thing is, when I was mid-panic attack, I was considering dropping the entire semester so I could just work and focus on feeling better... this far into the semester, I'd say this is a much better idea. My mom's even okay with it. So, I'm really excited about that and I hope things will start looking up because of it. I'm trying really hard to be positive here.

I'm feeling really terrible right now and I've been having a lot of terrible nights and it's really difficult to deal with. I keep having these anxiety attack type things and it's just really, really difficult and scares me a lot. I went to the psychiatrist at the hospital and they told me to stick with my new dose of antidepressants and referred me to a cognitive behavioural therapy program. Waitingwaitingwaiting. Waiting for magic pills to brighten up the planet, waiting for bored people with majestic words or something. I hate waiting. I hate feeling like this. I want to sleep for a month and wake up cured. I also got new sleeping pills, cool.

Commence new, short week. I'm saying commence even though it's Tuesday.
I had a pretty good weekend. I saw people and worked and it was all fine and dandy. I think my art classes are going well. I started a sculpture and it could potentially be pretty awesome. I have an idea for my etching class that I'm pretty excited about, too. My teacher helped with the finishing touches on my ideas and jesus he really is ridiculously talented. He's retiring in two years so I'm very glad I'll have had the opportunity to be taught by him. I'm hating my period 4 class lately. We've been talking about politics and it's boring as shit. Tomorrow I have to talk to a psychiatrist at the hospital which is going to be really fucking shitty. I am not looking forward to it. I had to talk to him on the phone today and that was crappy enough. I hate talking. On the plus side, I don't have school tomorrow because of it and friday's a pd day. I'm pretty pleased about that. The end.

This weeeeeeek. Has sucked.
Blah. The week itself has been decent. Decent things have happened. I started my 3d class and it's looking a little less treacherous than I thought, but I could be wrong. I'm still sketching my ideas. I hope my teacher will be extremely helpful, cause I don't know shit. I also have printmaking which... I don't know. It'll be okay. Probably a bit overwhelming but when am I not overwhelmed by the art program? Tomorrow I have art history but I'm not going. There's an assembly in the morning and I have to bus to a doctor's appointment for 11 so there's just no point in going and maybe no point in going to my afternoon classes because in English I've just been working alone in the library and my 4th period teacher keeps showing me movies that I can't pay attention to. Maybe I'll do printmaking instead. I don't know. I'm just kind of thinking in text now.
I don't know why this week sucked. I've just been feeling really really crappy. I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow because she told me to come back asap if I feel worse so.. yeah. I'm really sick of feeling like this all the time. It's been crippling this week, for the most point. I think tomorrow will be a better day though, especially because I don't really have school and hopefully my doctor will help me out. Plus I get my first pay tomorrow! I only made 70 dollars and don't plan on spending it any time soon, but it's still exciting. I also have my first four hour shift on Sunday, finallyyy. Apparently it's busy on Sundays which will hopefully be nice because I prefer serving customers over cleaning... I think. I wonder how busy is busy.
I've also been rereading The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I'm doing part of my ISP on it!) and have forgotten how much I love that book. I also loved the movie so much, I must buy it someday. Anyway, sleeps now. Goodbye.

weekendweekendweekend.

Today I saw silent hill (the new one) with jake then we went to a show. First we were at his mom's house for a bit and it was freezing out and I was underdressed so she lent me a few articles of clothing and I felt awesome. Jake's mom has the coolest style ever, and it's a good thing I don't just live there cause otherwise I'd probably never wear anything of my own ever again. Seriously, she's awesome. I was feeling really anxious about going to the show and being around people, but wearing someone else's clothes makes me feel like I'm in a costume which makes me feel less like myself which helps. That's why I love halloween. Anyway, we went and I was still anxious but I dealt with it. The show was in Jake's bandmate's garage in a crappy part of town. We got there a bit late and had to leave a bit early, so I only saw one full set but the band I saw the most of was incredible. They destroyed their drum set by the end of their set and were just fucking ridiculous to watch, having absolute musical meltdowns in this tiny garage packed with a small group of people who just really like local music. They kind of reminded me of a much crazier la dispute. They were just so insane and still sounded so amazing and it's really made me miss going to shows. That was one band who really put their hearts into what they do. We also hung out in a nearby taco bell for a bit with Jake's friends who I don't know well. They talked about people I don't know and reminisced about past events that I couldn't relate to. I didn't talk much. I've been thinking a lot. I've been so out of touch with reality lately.

This part of me doesn't mind being alone most of the time, but this other part of me is dying to be social... to do things like go to shows, go to parties, hang out with groups of friends again... I really miss it. I think my fondest memories were in grade 9 and 10 when I actually felt like part of a group. I think I convince myself that I like being secluded and alone in my reveries because it upsets me too much to think about how I miss people and how I'm such a screw up who can't converse with anyone. It's definitely upsetting me now. When the band was playing, I felt incredibly detached. I used to love going to shows so much because I felt a sense of community and belonging. While I did enjoy the music, all I could think about tonight was how horribly alone I felt in the small room packed with people.

I'm going to try and sleep now. It's 1am and I have to wake up at 6. I did have a good night though.

Wait something just hit me. I think the reason I love hanging out with Alexander and Emily so much is because I feel most at ease with them. I love Michelle, but she's so ambitious. Some days it's inspiring, but lately it's just making me feel like shit. She's good at literally everything and is going to do so many awesome things with her life and is so self motivated and strong and crap and I just can't do that. I know she doesn't judge me or look down on me for not being as motivated as she is (no one else in the world can be like that I swear) but it's just depressing sometimes. She really is a fabulous friend though, and I love her, and we have really awesome conversations sometimes and when I get inspired by her it's a fantastic feeling.

But Emily and Alexander are much more layed back. I mean, Emily does her work, has good grades, is generally doing shit but her ambitions are more average, especially compared to Michelle's. And Alexander's not so good at getting school stuff done, which is completely fine because school isn't everything nor does it prove intelligence. They make a nice balance and I feel less stressed about accomplishing a million things. I don't even know if this is saying what I want to say. Sometimes I don't want to be ambitious, I want to curl up and sleep. But then I get thinking about how much more difficult that will be when I'm older and living in the real world and it makes me more sad so goodnight for real this time.

Uuh, today sucked (up until Emily and Alexander came over, of course). I've been so tired this week and working really hard on stuff... Monday I worked all morning and through lunch on an illustration project that actually turned out really nicely (inspired by the catcher in the rye), then after school I had my first shift which was a bit overwhelming. When I got home from work, I worked more on my illustration project till about 12:30 when I went to sleep. Tuesday I spent all morning, lunch, and period 4 in the dark room printing photos for the last time this year. I spent period 5 in the library working on period 4 homework and english homework. After that I got my hair done and I read my new isp book while the dye was setting in. Then I got home and finished another part of my illustration project, then went to bed. Today I worked on illustration all morning and lunch. I was super busy so I didn't really even get to talk to Michelle much, then I went to my fourth period class where no one talked to me. Korrin wasn't there (as usual) and kristyn who occasionally talks to me dropped the class. dat makes me sad. So all that's left is Matt but we didn't really talk either. Then I went to English and worked on period 4 work while everyone else socialized then watched a movie. I got really sad when I got home because I'm so lonely and I don't know how to fix it and it sucks. Prozac isn't doing shit for me.

BUT THEN EMILY AND ALEXANDER CAME OVER AND IT WAS THE HAPPIEST I'VE BEEN ALL MONTH I THINK. I seriously fucking love them, they are my favourite friends above and beyond any others. They're just perfect, I don't even know. We have so much fun together and no one makes me laugh harder and just uuuggh I love them! I've realized I usually get post emily and alexander depression after they leave me or I leave them though. I get sad and lonely again and it sucks. Now it's 12:30 and I'm tired and I should finish the final part of my illustration project but I'm fucking tired and I need sleep because I work tomorrow after school. I don't like working right after school, I wish there was time for me to come home for like an hour first, so I wouldn't have to bring my school crap to work and get changed in the smushy stall because I won't change in the changeroom part and have to worry about my damn nose ring and just ugh. All the stress. I can't wait for Friday, I'm gonna go to bed at 8 or something, I don't even know. It'd be nice if I just didn't work at all this weekend but I doubt that will happen. In 2 weeks I have another doctor's appointment and I really hope she gives me a higher dosage because I really want to be happy and I can't achieve that on my own, I just can't. Goodnight.

everything looks better with a title.

Standard post about things lately is standard... why do I bother.
I never blogged about last friday or whatever week that was and probably won't because I'm lazy and it's not fresh in my mind anymore. It's melted and dwindled into the ashes of my other memories and unless I get a goddamn pensieve or anything, it's bound to stay that way. Yeah... I don't know what I've done all week and if there was anything worth blogging about up until Thursday. Probably not. I don't do much but sleep, go to school, take naps, eat and go to the gym. Woopwoop. Thursday I finally had my orientation though. It was okay. The lady who works there was really nice and there was only one other new employee. She'll be working deli too, so I should probably not dislike her, but she's kind of annoying. Her and her sister both went to STA and both work there and they're the same person and not smart or interesting and kind of annoying and holy shit I'm being mean. At least they're both nice people who I don't feel uncomfortable around, so that's a bonus. I like my department head. She speaks like 5 or 6 languages and is really loud and kind of awesome. Michal works in deli too so yaaay. I think there's two other girls in deli, but I've never met them. Hopefully they're okay. Angelos seems like an okay place. My first shift is Monday. I don't have any others yet, but my dept head said she'd give me more as I complete my shifts and get more comfortable and experienced. I've heard she's fair about giving hours which is awesome.

After I went to my orientation I had a doctor's appointment. We talked about my anxiety and depression and other things and it was kind of merrr. I don't much like my doctor, something about her personality bothers me. She kept telling me I wasn't special for being depressed, which I know that, and she was probably trying to make me feel less alone but she worded it really weirdly and kind of made me feel stupid and insignificant and like I don't have real problems so I should shut the fuck up and get over myself. Then when my mom came back in the room, she almost completely changed tones. I guess, whatever, she does her job so I'll put up with her and crap... the verdict was I'm taking prozac now and on a waiting list to see someone to talk about anxiety stuff. So far I don't feel any different. Maybe a tad more awake in the morning but that's it. I have to see her again in three weeks to decide if she should increase my dosage.

I keep seeing this post on tumblr showing a bottle of antidepressants and the words "I don't want to depend on you". I think that's kind of silly, because a lot of depressed people usually end up self medicating with drugs and alcohol anyway. I figure if you can try and help yourself out, you should take the route that lets you be sober all day, rather than be out of your mind for a few hours and then back to feeling shitty afterwards. I like consistency.

With the whole being grounded thing, I'm really goddamn lonely. I've been spending a lot of time with Jake which obviously I enjoy and am thankful for, but I need other relationships with other lovely people... I mostly just miss Emily and Alexander because they're perf and my bestiest best friends out of anyone else. I always wish I could make new friends. There's a guy in the art program that mostly I just text, but he's a pretty cool person and I want to hang out with him. I want a new friendship! I can't build friendships if I can't see people though. I want to be around new people and actually socialize ;-;

Two people talked to me in the dark room yesterday and I was so happy and scared at the same time, it's a good thing it's so dark in there... my face turned bright red and when I turned away I was almost grinning. I know that sounds like a pathetic reaction to a 60 second conversation but nobody at school ever talks to me and it made me feel like I actually existed. Someone wrote in my tumblr that everyone thinks I hate them which made me feel kind of sad, although it's my fault I'm perceived that way. I just... fuck. I don't want to be alone anymore. I miss going to STA and having an actual GROUP of friends so goddamn much, it's (at the risk of sounding cheesy) truly painful. jdfngdkfjnsd I'm going to start crying if I think about it anymore. I hate being alone I hate being alone I hate being alone I don't want to be a hermit and grow up old and alone. I was talking to Jake's mom one night when she was driving me home and her and her hubby had been fighting and she's been really sad lately so she was fighting tears the whole time. She's not happy in her marriage, she practically gets bullied at work (at age 40! fuck life) and doesn't have any real friends or close family. The fact that she's 23 years older than me and is still dealing with the same shit I deal with today is the most depressing thing ever. She used to get bullied badly in grade 7 too, just like I did. I'm so terrified I'm going to grow up and continue to be miserable.

That's a main concept that's been on my mind for the past few weeks. That stupid saying about high school being the best years of your life honestly just makes me want to drop dead most nights. I can't fucking deal if it never gets better than this. I cry almost every fucking night. There's no way life stays like this, or gets worse. That just doesn't make sense to me. If it were true, the suicide rate would be much higher. Maybe at some in adulthood, a part of our brains commit suicide. We stop dreaming, stop hoping, and get sucked down into the shit hole part of society that says a house in the suburbs with money, kids, and vacations to tropical places means happiness. The person who came up with that fucking idea ought to be beaten. Not actually, because I don't condone violence, but just... ugh. I don't ever want to get like that. I want to travel, experience things, learn, expand my mind and be a selfish bastard without kids, just as long as it means not throwing away my ambitions. I really think I'd rather die instead of living "the american dream".

This was supposed to be a happy post about my life turning around for the better because I have a job now, am not constantly under any influences, hopefully going to feel better some day thanks to prozac, will be done stressful photo and illustration classes next week and get to start doing ceramics after school again, but somehow I got lost and dragged down again, as usual.. I'm sorry, I suck. (and I've been saying those last 4 words a lot lately.)

this weekend.

First I'm going to blog about today (Saturday) and then maybe tomorrow.

So today I was somewhat successful at lucid dreaming. As a result, I didn't get out of bed until 5pm, but that's okay. I think my dreams had more to offer me than reality did. It was really weird how it happened... I woke up around 2pm (oops, went to bed at 4am) and just kind of stayed in my bed for an hour or two playing multiplayer solitaire. Once I stopped that I laid there thinking, debating whether or not I wanted to get out of bed, and other stuff, when suddenly I got really extremely tired. I think I had been laying still in bed for so long that I accidentally tricked my body into thinking it was asleep. I felt extremely disconnected from my bedroom, like I was in a dream, so I decided to just close my eyes and sleep. Once I fell asleep and started dreaming, I realized in my dream that my mind was still somewhat awake and I guess this is lucid dreaming. My dream started out in a school gym. I think it was beal's but I'm not sure. I was with korrin and she was talking to me and I was trying to explain that I was lucid dreaming. The room was really weird, my mind felt warped, my thoughts were all over the place and it was just such a strange sensation and I don't remember it well. Dream korrin kind of laughed at me because she was almost certain I was on drugs. It was really weird accepting lucid dreaming and I could feel myself startled from it and beginning to wake up, so then in my dream I started spinning in circles. I read online you're supposed to do that. I felt like my sleeping body in bed was spinning in circles, too... though obviously it wasn't. It worked though and I was still very much asleep, but mostly in control of my dream. Dream korrin told me that if I can control my dreams, I have to prove it. So then I made everything in the gym upside down. The floor kind of fell away and everything flew up to the ceiling and was upside down and all the people inside were floating around, some upside down and some not... it was frickin' crazy. So then I went outside (I'm not sure where this "outside" was) and I guess the part of my dream I couldn't control wanted me to sit on some bleachers, so instead I made myself sit on the ground, because I could, and I threw rocks at the grass with my mind. The sky was constantly changing in a billion different ways and that's kind of all I can remember. It was fucking weird, but incredible and I want to do that again soon.

Actually I might try and go to sleep now... I'll blog about friday another time.

better week, better week.

Trying to focus on the good things that happened this week and not dwell on the bad. I hope things are looking up. This week I successfully developed a half decent roll of film... of course the pictures on it are nowhere near as awesome that one roll but... ugh. Nothing I can do about that. I'm just glad I've got new photos to print, as my other developed rolls are driving me crazy now.

I also babysat on Thursday. It was an easy night and I made a bit of money which is always nice. I still haven't heard from angelos about when the orientation will be... kiind of worried about that, so I guess I'll call tomorrow. Friday I went to wondersushi with Jake which was delicious and awesome and the rest of the night was okay. Saturday my mom said I could have someone over but I was really tired and unmotivated so I watched the movie Speak (based on one of my favourite books, yay), played sims and read a lot. It was okay. And today I WENT TO THE CAT SHOW. With Jake, of course. THERE WERE SO MANY CATS I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES AND SO MANY CUTE ONES AND JUST WOW. It was so frickin wonderful, I wanted to take them all home. Instead I bought a cute kitty ring. That'll have to do. They had so many awesome cat related things, next year I must return with more money.

Later tonight I was walking downtown to my bus stop and a guy asked me for change for the bus and I said I didn't have any, mostly because I didn't wanna fish for my wallet and then decide how much change I wanted to give him, which I immediately regretted a minute later. So I pulled out most of my change which wasn't even an entire dollar and kept it ready in my hand while I walked down richmond, in case anyone else asked. A bummy looking man asked me, so I gave it to him and the look on his face was really awesome. He was surprised and really happy, even though it wasn't much and wished me a good night and that was that. It got me thinking about how much it must suck to do that frequently and how many times in a day he must hear "no" or not even be noticed. I've decided that once I get my first pay, I want to put half of it towards charitable causes... like more to homeless people and putting more in charity boxes and stuff.

I know most people say not to give money to the people on the streets because it usually just goes towards drugs, but really, if they're willing to spend countless hours doing that and having to save all the small increments of money they get over time, they must be really fucking miserable. So if they want to spend it all on feeling better for a few hours, whatever. Life's tough, I won't judge them for it.

Or maybe they're just really hungry. I don't know. I just like seeing peoples faces light up like that. I hope this week is a decent one.

I'm really tired because I couldn't fall asleep after school (what is the world coming to??) but I'm gonna try and blog about everything that's happened lately. I don't know why I always feel so obligated to blog about my life, it really makes no sense, but I'll do it anyway.

So, Friday happened. My 4th period teacher did forget that she was going to ask me if I'd done anything about my social anxiety. That kind of made me sad. Wait, no, I'm getting ahead of myself. The morning sucked. I've been very discouraged about photography class (tuesdays and fridays) lately because the previous roll of film that I put a butt ton of effort into got ruined, thanks to someone ruining the developer. So, I didn't really have any photos to print and wasn't motivated to take pictures, so I took out a camera for the weekend then walked to the park. I learned the Victoria Park is kind of a depressing place to be when you're just about the only person there and the weather sucks. It was only 10 so I decided to bus home. I ate some food, changed clothes (I felt uncomfortable in my outfit that day, whatever) then bussed back to school. I got there shortly after the start of lunch and sat with Jake and his friends for the first time in the history of ever. It was really scary because I'm not good with groups of people, but they're just a bunch of gamers who all sit in a hallway and have a similar enough sense of humour as mine for it to not suck too bad. That was a beautifully executed sentence, boy am I proud. Uhh, yeah, 4th period again. I was kind of sad my teacher never asked because I was basically sitting alone all class and she had every opportunity but I guess she didn't remember or didn't care or whatever and maybe I wanted someone to talk to about it but oh well, right? Did I mention I made a guidance appointment then cancelled it? Productivity at it's finest. English was nothing new.

I went home, had a nap, then Emily came over and I got ready to go to Kristin's friend's house. We got downtown around 8 and were pleasantly greeted by Kristin yelling out a car window "faggots, get in the car!". So we did. We drove around briefly blasting Marina and the Diamonds, Hairspray, Gangnum Style, etc. Then we got to her friend's house and it was pretty awkward at first but not bad at all. Kristin's girlfriend Sara and their friend Jared was also with us (though he left shortly after). We drank a lot and talked and I learned that Sara doesn't hate me like I thought she did and is actually a pretty fun person. Then it was around 12 and we caught a cab back to my house and I was far too drunk. We went to shell, then Emily's dad picked her up and I went home and passed out in my bathroom until my brother and mom found me. I'm really glad I was too drunk to remember this part... I guess my mom was screaming at me, my brother was really worried and I was making so little sense that they thought I was on drugs... I stumbled to my bed and woke up around 1pm, incredibly confused. I was supposed to have had lunch in Milton with my grandma and uncle and them around noon, so when the realization of what happened sunk in I started feeling really horrible. I called Emily to see if she saw my mom or anything last night (I couldn't remember anything after getting into the cab) so I could figure out how much trouble I was in. That didn't clear anything up. Then I called my mom, telling her I felt horrible and was really sorry, etc. She was really mad and told me we'd talk when she got home. Long story short, I spent the day crying and spilling my guts to her about how terrible I've felt lately and the whole guidance/4th period/english/photography/social anxiety thing. She was pretty surprised to learn how messed in the head her seemingly normal daughter was. She made a doctor's appointment for me but it's not until the 25th. She's also now constantly worried about me, and I'm super grounded. I'm not allowed to do anything other than school or work for "a long time". Although seeing Jake is "negotiable" because she knows he's straightedge and really likes him. I'm happy I can at least still see him, but it's gonna really suck not seeing other people... mainly Emily and Alexander. :c I'm sick of talking about groundings and doctors and screw ups now, so moving on.

Sunday I went to Chatham(ish) with Jake, his brother, their mom and stepdad. It was pretty awesome. Jake's mom is really awesome, and she knows about the whole "came home drunk" thing and was much more understanding of it than my mom was and we had a talk on Saturday and she was kind of helpful. Right, but yeah, so we drove there and listened to weird music and Jake's mom kept taking pictures and dancing in her seat and singing along and being hilarious and stuff, and obviously Jake and Luke (his brother) are awesome too. So that was a fun hour(ish?) drive. We took a highway surrounded by pretty fall trees with all their awesome colours and tried to convince their stepdad to let them get a cat. In Chatham(ish) at Jake's grandma's, there was their 5 cousins, 4 aunts and 3 uncles... or something like that. There was also 4 dogs, a 21 year old 3 legged cat that sat on my lap all night, and a super charming ginger cat. They're a pretty interesting family. I had met at least half of them before. It's weird being surrounded by (and welcomed into) a large tight-knit family. I haven't been surrounded by family like that since I was 8 or something, cause now my family's all tiny and bad at communicating. It was really nice though, and the area they lived in reminded me a lot of Lobo which was kind of comforting. Jake and I went for a bike ride to look at a variety store that had recently been burned down (though it looked more like it had been bombed), and then further down a big long road surrounded by fields and barns and stuff. The guys played basketball and goofed off and stuff then Jake's mom took a bunch of group photos. I'm in their family photos... how about that. After, we ate a big dinner in a small kitchen that barely fit everyone, then everyone was either cleaning up or sleeping in front of a football game. I pet the 3 legged cat for 2 hours in front of the football game, surrounded by all the sleeping people, and I thought a lot.. because I couldn't pay attention to football if my life depended on it. A bit later one of their cousins walked in with a super young kitten that she apparently found in a ditch, so then I spent majority of the night in a small bedroom with Jake, Luke, 3 of their cousins and the kitten. One of the dogs barged in and tried to eat the kitten while she was in my lap... her head went in his mouth. It was horrifying. Later, Jake and I went for a walk in the dark (no streetlights in ghettoland!) with the charming ginger cat alongside us. By then it was a bit after 11 and we went home.

Monday I went to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower with my mom. It was kind of funny how relevant parts of that movie was to my life. I was literally sitting in my seat constantly thinking "oh my god, that's my life". I hope it shed a little insight for my mom, I really hope it did.

Things are strange lately. I gave all my weed related stuff to Korrin today.. my choice. I won't be indulging on that by myself anymore. Being grounded and all, I also won't really have opportunity to partake on any other occasions. I'm okay with that. Lately all I can think about is my future. I want out of high school, possibly out of this city. I don't know if I want to stick around for a full year of art anymore... I'm not all too sure yet. I can't wait to start working though, and start saving for bigger endeavors. Being grounded means saving money more easily, woo. This has been a long post and it's really more of a summary of what's happened lately, when really, my mind has been much more chaotic and busy than my physical life. I'm tired though and I can't blog about it all. I think things are going to change a lot for me in the next while. I'm going to continue rereading the catcher in the rye now.

Uhh, this week. It's been horrible and I'm excited for it to be over. I am thankful for the long weekend, yes. On Tuesday I had a panic attack in period 4 in front of my teacher and it was so horrible and I feel pathetic. Luckily no one in my class saw. Shortly after that occurance I made a guidance appointment for today, but then I cancelled it yesterday. Oh, darn. I don't know what I'm doing. I wonder if my period 4 teacher forgot that she was supposed to ask me tomorrow if I did anything about my downsness, and if she remembered saying that she'd seek help for me if I didn't do it myself. Hm. Today I had to do a presentation for my english teacher at lunch, which basically consisted of us sitting and talking for half of lunch, so that wasn't much of a presentation but I guess I did well. It kind of made me sad though, realizing that I didn't want to leave the classroom and would have rather stayed to chat for the entire lunch. I like adults. I hate people my age. I spent the rest of lunch by myself reading. I'm gonna stop blogging now before I get sad again. I hope next week is a better week. Life drawing was decent today. The end.

very interesting day. long ass post.

Today has been pretty different from my usual days, and I am very pleased about this.
My morning started with photography critique, then I spent the rest of it and lunch printing photos. I printed two decent ones! But there's still room for improvement... photography is difficult shit, man.
After that I went to my challenge and change class... we were in the lab picking our isp research essay topics. Basically it could be about anything that makes an impact in society... addictions, disorders, world issues, etcetcetc. I went with social anxiety because I'm already clearly quite familiar with it. I told my teacher my topic but didn't tell her why I chose it (it's my entire life). She walked away and then Korrin and I started talking about my social anxiety, and that she thinks I should talk to my mom about it and start seeing a doctor. My teacher overheard that though and sat down with us... hmm.

Korrin explained what she had just said to our teacher and my teacher asked me if I was sure I had it. Jokingly, I pulled up a website (we were in the lab) that listed characteristics of SAD, all of which I had. I really didn't want to have a serious talk about it with my teacher, I kinda prefer to just suffer silently and deal with it in my own way (isolation). But my teacher got serious and asked more about it. I then explained (with help from Korrin, because hi I can't talk) about the whole group work thing in my english class and she was shocked that I couldn't handle that. We kept talking for a good 10-15 minutes about it. She told me her mother had social anxiety disorder (SAD) and never received treatment and she felt sorry for her mom, because she thinks she would've led a much happier life. Then she told me that she had to get grief counseling, and Korrin talked about her experience with that, and they both told me I really do need help with my SAD. My teacher said I should think about it and consider my options (seeing a guidance counselor, seeing a social worker, seeing my family doctor?) and then let her know what I decide to do by the end of the week... and then she said if I haven't done anything about it then she's likely going to do something about it for me.. I mean, no pressure and all...

She really is a lovely teacher though. She's pretty old but very reasonable, smart and really cares about social issues, so of course she was a fantastic listener. It felt kind of nice telling her all that, knowing that someone other than whoever reads this blog could have the slightest idea of how much my anxiety really rips me to shreds. I don't know if I really want counseling though... I think it makes me feel selfish. I know my anxiety holds me back a fair bit in life, and I feel miserable more often than not because of it... but I just don't think I should waste a professional's time like that. There's more messed up people in the world than me. I feel like I'll go try and talk to someone and either won't be able to say everything in my mind, or I won't explain how bad it really is, or maybe it's really just not that bad and I'm weak and should just suck it up, then they'll think I'm wasting their time... I think the fact that I'm thinking a social worker would send me away because I'm "not messed up enough" further emphasizes the fact that my social anxiety is pretty bad...

Then I think about the number of times I've cried at school over my stupid anxiety, had suicidal thoughts over it, hurt myself over it, etc and the gravity of the situation suddenly seems much more intense. I don't know though... I blame myself for my anxiety. It's my problem I'm no good in social settings, why should I make it someone else's problem, as well? A long time ago my mom took me to the family doctor to talk about my self harm, back when it was much more out of hand. It was horrible though. I lied to my mom and the doctor and said I was done with it, made it sound like the only reason I did it in the first place was because I was being bullied at the time. I lied about the gravity of the situation, and about the fact that the thought of suicide had crossed my mind many, many times. So they both dropped it and we moved on... I sometimes wonder how much better off I'd be now if I had gotten help back then, rather than ignoring it and letting everything build up like it has now. But anyway, I'm just scared that will happen again. I'll go talk to a counselor and diminish everything to make them think I really am wasting their time. My teacher suggested I write it all down in a letter, because that's easier than talking. She makes a valid point. I'm just not sure how I feel yet. I'll think about it more throughout the week.

Anyway, back to my interesting day... I went to english and watched the group presentations. That class kind of sucked because I sat there wondering who might've noticed that I was the only person in the class not presenting in a group. I know my english teacher told the group I was originally in that I left because I'm uncomfortable around people. The thought of that makes me feel pathetic. No avoiding that, though. After school was much better though! I hung out with Sam and Jake! I was really worried it'd be awkward, and it kind of was at first, but it got better gradually. We ventured to an abandoned building that was fabulous looking. I took some pictures for my photography class, which will hopefully look nice. The camera I got from school isn't like the cameras I usually use there. It was really finicky and more difficult to shoot with which worries me. I hope they don't suck, maaan I hope they don't suck. After that we went to a sushi restaurant and I had possibly the most delicious sushi I've had yet! Mango shrimp tempura roll :3 We also came with miso soup and ice cream for free, which was fantastic. We then ventured to the infamous abandoned factory, only to find it had been welded shut. That made me sad. I did not get to do enough exploring there :( So instead we sat in a tim hortons until around 8, Sam went home and I went to Jake's. We had a good talk, which I was much in need of. I mean, him and I talk all the time, but lately I haven't been very honest with him about what's been going on inside my head, which I know from experience pushes people away. I don't think I said everything I should have, but it was certainly enough for one day. I feel content though. Jake's awesome and I'm glad this is still working well. He went to work at 10 and I came home and hung out with my mom for a bit. Seeing Sam today was also so nice. It wasn't as awesome as elementary school days of course, but it was still pretty great, especially seeing as we really only hang out a few times a year. She's just one of those people that no matter what I'll always respect and wish the best for. Hopefully we can hang out again soon.

This feels like my longest post ever... what the hell. I'm really tired now, likely too tired to edit this, so it may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo. My brain feels like it's been in overdrive for the past few weeks. My words can't ever really keep up. I need dreamland. Goodnight bloggyblog.

fear and loathing.

Having kind of a glum week. Last week was really bad though, so this one's definitely better by comparison. I can't believe it's already Thursday... I was gonna say, I had a really good weekend. I slept over at my bffl's house for two nights and emily and other people were there as well which was so much fun. I love those two, I don't think there's anyone I'm more content with. Saturday I went shopping with my mom (my god she loves to shop). Sunday, Jake came over, then I finished my art project. It's pretty decent, not quite special though. I knew it wouldn't be, at least. My teacher seemed pleased with it and I'm glad I finished it on time. It's for my illustration class which is pretty easy and the teacher's quite nice and easy to talk to. I guess I like that class, though the work isn't particularly thrilling. Hopefully we'll do some collage.

Photography class has got me down all week. One of my rolls of film didn't develop very well which makes printing the pictures difficult. I've only managed to print 4 so far. Two of them are pretty crappy, one decent photo has disappeared, and I have another good one which I only just developed today... hmph. Printing photos after school today did put me in a better mood though. I really hope the other one turns up. I've also been crappy with figure drawing this week. I drew a male for the first time on Monday night which was pretty difficult. My figure drawing class today was equally meh cause I wasn't feeling well. This is such a boring post, nobody cares about how much I suck at art.

On the brightside, today was a really good challenge and change class! We had to do group work and discuss an article about the effects of technology on teenagers and multitasking and more stuff like that. There were two people in my group who did most of the talking and I genuinely enjoyed listening to their thoughts. They seem like decent people, which is exciting, because decent people are hard to come by. I even managed to utter a few sentences here and there. Not sure I really got my thoughts out properly, but at least they won't think I'm mute.

On the topic of group work... we started some on Monday in English and it was horrible. Monday had been off to a really good start, then she sprung that on us and it scared me too much. It was just terrible, she said we could get into our own groups and then specifically said if someone's sitting alone you should invite them into your group because there's nothing worse than the teacher having to bring them into your group... Except then everyone got into their groups and I just kind of froze up and kept sitting alone. All I could think about was how horrible I felt and how much I suck. My hands got shakey and my voice could hardly work when my teacher tried to talk to me and then I started crying. How lame is that? 4th graders cry when they get picked last in gym class. 12th graders should not cry when they don't get picked at all in english class.

Anyway, I don't think it was too obvious. I fought it back as much as possible and eventually my teacher did that terribly awkward thing where she asked two random people if I could join their group and obviously they said yes (when I'm sure they were thinking no). I sat with them and tried to keep my head down so they wouldn't notice I was crying. I'm sure that just made me look even more awkward and antisocial than ever and just ugh whenever I think about that class I can't help but completely loathe myself. I think it's a big enough accomplishment that I didn't just leave the room. In the end, my mom later wrote me a note explaining that I'm a stupid retard who can't function in simple situations and I've been working in the library by myself every day since, which is how I prefer it. By myself. Alone, alone, alone.

I feel like everything that's been making me happy lately is far too temporary. I want to find long term happiness. Alas, I'm almost certain I would need an entirely different mind for that.

On another note, I'm really relating to Holden Caulfield as I've been re-reading the Catcher in the Rye. I think I'm going to write some Holden inspired posts at some point, comparable to my "Jeremiah story" I wrote in grade 10. Writing that felt awesome... helpful, even. I hope I can feel that way again this time.

"I don't know"

Umm, life lately. I don't know. The project I blogged about in the post before this one actually turned out okayish. I'm not crazy proud of it or anything, but I got it done and it's at least satisfactory. I'm moving onto the next stage of said project soon and I think it might turn out kinda neat. We'll see. Yesterday I took some nice photos for my photography class... I ventured to an abandoned copp's buildall building yesterday, smashed a window, lugged a desk around and found a sad looking tv all by it's lonesome. If it weren't so damn heavy and inconvenient to take home on a bus, I would've considered using it for a future sculpture project. Oh well. But yeah, hopefully that little adventure will make for some pretty decent photos... I've been taking a life drawing class Monday nights downtown. It's 3 hours and the level of focus and dedication I feel to drawing in that time period is really something. I've been drawing a lot more than usual lately. I've been going to harris park after school some days. I spend it sitting on a really comfortable tree where most people don't notice me and I either read or draw for 3-5 hours. I just realized I already blogged about this tree, but whatever. It's a nice place to embrace solitude, which seems to be about the only thing I'm used to anymore.

I've been really lonely and I'm stupid so I don't start conversations with people which might, y'know, help... I also feel like I'm drifting from Korrin a lot. At school I hang out with Michelle all day and if I ever see Korrin it's in our 4th period class, which she skips more often than she realizes. I feel like her boyfriend hates me or something. I feel uncomfortable with the two of them. Not even cause they're coupley, because they've actually eased up on that a lot. But when I see them at lunch sometimes it seems like Korrin's always in a bad mood and Justin's always just not talking... maybe I'm imagining it, they're not always like that. But yeah, I feel out of place if I sit with the two of them at lunch when they're inside, and I've pretty much completely stopped going to the store because I've been a good little sober kitty this year (woo awesome, good for mandy). I think Korrin's bitchiness is starting to get to me. I don't want to go into a big rant about her, because I still consider her a friend and she's not all bad and I'm trying not to speak terribly about people so often.

A nice thing is, whenever Korrin's not in class, Kristyn sits in her seat beside me and we usually talk a bit. She's amusing and surprisingly not too difficult to talk to. It's nice talking to someone kinda new for once. I hope we keep talking. English still sucks, but I haven't had any homework in it this week which is awesome... although we've spent the past 3 classes watching a movie and I've only been awake for the past half hour of it... oops. I'm just gonna stick it out with English... it's the last time I'll have to take it and then life will be peachy. Not actually, but... I don't know.

I've just been really sad lately. Today it got a bit out of hand. I'm hoping this is just one of my "sad" months. Which means next month will be a "happy" month. I'm not even sure if my life follows that formula anymore... maybe not. I guess I'm feeling really hopeless... I don't really want to put into words the gravity of this because then I'll just feel more pathetic. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm gonna go find my cats now.

No no no no no, I don't want school tomorroww. I have illustration in the morning which... I don't know. I'm supposed to be gathering supplies for that right now and oh my god I just know this project's going to look like shit. Merrrrrrrrp. Also, my english class, just ugh. I hate it. I'm surrounded by half naked females who squeal about not being able to text and walk at the same time. Nobody talks to me (is there even anyone in that class that I would want to talk to?) and I get really sad and start thinking there's something horribly wrong with me for not making friends and then all these horrible thoughts come along and I can't work well and then it's the end of the day and I refuse to go home so I go hang out alone downtown which I can't tell if that's even any better but fuck this run on sentence and wah, wah, wah complaining about my first world problems... ugh.

I'm feeling kind of forgotten, and alone. Always alone, though. My uncle's visiting this weekend and neither him nor my mom bothered to see what I've been doing all day, or if I've even been awake. I slept in till 2 and have been reading since, and now it's 6pm and my mom finally just asked me when I'm going to clean... I just feel like they don't want me around. There used to be a time when my mom would wake me up around 10 when my uncle was over and we'd all eat breakfast together and then maybe do something later. There also used to be a time when I didn't feel so cut off from humanity. Hopefully next weekend will be a better one.

Today, the 3rd day, was quite awesome. I had figure drawing all morning, but sadly we didn't have a model so the teacher talked for a while and we drew the skeleton model. I'm glad it worked out that way, because as boring as drawing the same skeleton over and over again gets, it was a great warm up after going an entire summer without drawing a figure. Plus it's good to know where bones are and stuff. Therefore it was a very nice morning, not thinking of a single other thing in the world other than my drawings.

Lunch was pretty great. Today I was wearing an outfit I wasn't sure looked okay, but then my frickin awesome boyfriend ambushed me with compliments in the stairwell I sat in with Michelle. Instant self esteem boost. I got a few other compliments, too. I hadn't felt that accepting of my appearance in a long time.

My sociology class was okay. I spent it drawing more while a documentary about murderers was on. I actually quite like the drawing and the class was interesting enough and went by fast. English made me kind of sad, which it's done every day so far, just because I have no friends and am surrounded by dumb bitches, plus the stuff we're learning seems completely pointless. It was over soon enough though, so then I wandered to the library, got a fantasy book by an author that a friend recommended to me, as well as some coffee.

After that I went and sat in a tree at a nearby park and drew for 3 hours. It was fucking awesome. Most people didn't notice me in the tree, though I could see them perfectly. The weather was nice, my drawings turned out half decent, I had some good conversation with two people via texting, listened to my music and enjoyed the view. It was a really good afternoon. I knew if I had gone home I would've just layed in my bed, felt miserable, ate a lot of bad food, possibly cried, and then have taken a 3 hour nap which would have made me feel even worse later when I would be unable to fall asleep at a decent hour. PROBLEM SOLVING, YAY.

I also acquired melatonin and it (sort of?) has been helping me get to sleep earlier. Last night I fell asleep around 10:45 and tonight I'll aim for 10. So, yeah... that's my day. I'm content.

Today was my first day of grade 12 and it was actually pretty decent. School didn't start till 9:30, so I wasn't rushed this morning and took a city bus, getting to school around 9. I met up with Korrin and Justin and was disappointed to see them go to the store to get high. I awkwardly stood around with them, then we went and met up with Nick, who I felt sorry for cause Alyssia was pestering him and he's new to Beal and, yeah. So the 4 of us went inside and showed Nick where his first period class was, and then Alyssia showed up again, so Korrin and Justin went to tell her to leave him alone and I showed him where his afternoon classes were. We're not really that good of friends or anything, but I'm glad he's there because he's at least a familiar face that I wouldn't be afraid to say hi to in the halls, which is comforting.

Another good thing is, he's on my school bus and so is Linda! (I think?) And possibly Michelle and Lauren are too, which would pretty much be the greatest bus ride ever. I haven't actually taken the school bus yet so I suppose I'll find out tomorrow morning.

I have art all morning and the art program's gotten a bit crazy. There's way more students than last year, plus obviously grade 12 is much more demanding. I think things might get a little competitive, but I'm excited to see what I can accomplish! I have a better understanding of the studios now, so I can focus more on what I'm making, rather than worry so much about how to make it. Plus, it's a great way to start off the morning. It goes by faster and I'm not rundown from my academic classes. And, of course, Michelle's in my class :)

After lunch I have Challenge and Change in Society and it seems like it'll be a great class. Korrin sits beside me which would be awesome enough, but to top it off, Jake's awesome best friend Matt sits in front of me and a girl I'm somewhat acquainted with sits beside him! It's gonna be fun as hell, plus I'm finallyyy in a sociology class.

Last period I have English. I don't know anyone and I'm almost certain it's going to be the exact same as last year. So it sucks, but I'll manage. My teacher seems really nice, so I'm sure I can get away from group work and presentations once again. At least it's at the end of the day and I can look forward to going home.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic and motivated. I stayed away from the store at lunch today and I plan on keeping up with that. I really hope I can pull through and things continue to go this well. The only thing is, I've already run into Colin twice... that sucks. But I'm gonna try not to let it get to me. Yep, okay bye.

rinse & rinse, repeat.

What I really don't understand is how I'm supposed to go back to school... back to going through the motions. Back to pretending to care about things like schoolwork, because that's how I'll have a good future... back to pretending I have any shred of hope for my future at all. Golly I can't wait to return to running on empty, every single day.

I can't deny myself being alive through my alienation.

Say Anything^ yes, okay.

Say Anything is just about the only thing keeping me from losing my mind lately. Yesterday was, what should have been (was indeed?), a good day... I spent the afternoon with Jake and it was fantastic. Then I went to pre drink at Nigel's with his sister and Korrin. They have 3 cats and a cat clock. We sat in his room listening to 100 ways to love a cat and it was tons of fun. I almost wish we had just stayed there all night. But then Korrin and I went to lavish (on the rooftop patio!!~!~) and there, I hung out with Kristin (plus her girlfriend, and their clan?), Amber, Sky and our old friend... Vicky. I have not missed her, no sir. From there, it was a fun time... I guess. I think it was only fun because I was drunk. And then there were shenanigans that I cannot blog about. Thankfully, they didn't involve me, but I did have to babysit and watch one of my friends be really fucking stupid.

I don't think I care to go to lavish anymore... at least not to the all ages nights. Maybe I'll go when I'm actually of age, but right now, it's not so fun. I know too many people there and I feel extremely uncomfortable there now. I liked lavish when going was about having fun, dancing with my friends, listening to la roux. Merr.

I don't really care for partying at all anymore... I guess it depends on who I'm with. My birthday's coming up and I was thinking about having a decent sized party, but now I don't really want to... I don't think I really care to do anything for my birthday in general. I don't feel like celebrating. I don't think there's really much to celebrate.

I guess I'm kind of in a slump. I'm never happy when I'm by myself anymore. I can't even be by myself anymore because the second I'm alone I just get swamped with worryworryworry and can't do anything but cry about it or distract myself. I don't know what to do.

rant about school.

Haven't blogged in a while. Mostly just because I've either been really busy, really tired, or really sad. I don't like blogging when I'm sad because then when I skim through previous posts months from now I'll see this constant wave of sadness throughout my blog and think about how much I suck for being sad all the time. I've had this blog since 2010 and I hate thinking I've remained miserable for 2+ years. But I know that's not true, I've certainly had a lot of good days and good posts. Alas, this is not one of the better posts. But I'll just recap my life as of lately.

I went to chicago from the 12th-17th and it was a nice city. I liked seeing the pretty, unique houses in the south side. I went on a lot of tours and for once, found history pretty interesting. I also rode a segway and it changed my life... not actually, but it was tons of fun and I wish I could buy one. Too bad they cost almost as much as a not-too-expensive car. The week before that I played a lot of pokemon stadium which was fantastic. I hope I still play pokemon twenty years from now. The end of my week was spent helping out with Jake's mom's stag and doe. It was at call the office on Friday and Saturday and there were some decent punk bands playing. Her fiance was the singer in two of them, and they were actually pretty successful in their day. That was a lot of fun and I guess his family loves me now. Awesome, brownie points for Mandy. Plus it's the closest thing to a show that I've been to in over a year now... I miss concerts big time, can't believe I haven't been to a single one this summer.

When I got back from Chicago I went to a surprise party for my brother's girlfriend. Spent most of the time with Jake and my brother's friend Christien, plus his girlfriend. Other than that, it was super awkward and I've decided I don't particularly like my brother's girlfriend. But I mean... oh well, as long as she makes him happy.

Now summer's coming to an end and I've hardly slept all week because I've been too busy sitting up being anxious all night. To say I'm dreading school is an understatement. I'm looking forward to making art, not looking forward to being surrounded by people while doing it. Not looking forward to critiques, attempting to explain what I created, then having blank faces silently question why I'm even there. Not looking forward to grade 12 english one bit, especially if it's as bad as grade 11 english was. Fortunately, Michelle's in my art class again and in my writer's craft, Korrin's in my sociology class and I have a spare second semester. So, it could be worse... the only thing I need to worry about is... the bus ride, first thing in the morning, possibly having to speak in my classes, the 5 minutes between ringing bells, art class, lunches, the bus ride home... yeah, more on bus rides:

I thought because I moved closer into the city I might not have to take a school bus and instead the school will provide me with bus tickets because I'm in the art program... nope. I have to take a school bus. Another fucking school bus. Does. Not. Want. I hate people. What if my bus is crowded? What if I have to sit beside someone? They're all going to stare when I get on the bus. Heaven forbid it should be like my old bus, where they all stare and either yell at me (which I don't hear because I have my headphones in) or say whoknowswhat about me. I just hate being seen. I hate existing in the presence of others'. I can't even handle it and it only gets worse every year.

Another shitty thing about school. Last year it wasn't quite as horrible because I didn't know anyone at Beal. I didn't care who I sat next to in my classes on the first day because they didn't know me and I didn't know them. They had no reason to dislike me or think I'm weird other than any opinion solely based on my appearance. Now I somewhat know (or know of) the people in my classes but I certainly can't call any of them friends. I know that majority of these people, I have no desire to become friends with. I don't even think this is making sense. At least I only have one class without a friend in it (lucky, much?) but it just so happens to be the class where I'm required to socialize the most. I'm terrified my teacher won't be as lenient as my last and let me do group projects by myself. At least with that teacher, a huge part of my excuse was that I was new and didn't know anyone. It's been a year. Can I still say I don't know anyone? It's still true. I don't know. Just, ugh. I wish I could be happy and excited about this being my last year, but thing is, it's probably not. I'll probably do an extra year of art, which means even once I graduate I still won't be free.

Oh, plus, having 5th period spare and having to take a school bus home means I get to wait around for all of last period to go home... if the school provided me with bus tickets, I'd get to go home at 1:20... WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE.

Fuck everything. I can't even think about school anymore, it's making me sick. I never want to leave this bedroom.

I had an amazing time in Quebec and it was nearly a perfect week. Things have been pretty good since I got back, too... I went to Jake's mom's bridal shower and met a bunch of his family, hung out with ALEXANDER because he's finally home (BIG YAY..and emily and connor too) and hung out with a new friend who goes to my school. I am mentioning all this briefly to prove that I am not a miserable person who is miserable all the time, because my last post was very positive and a week and a half after that was very positive... I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself in my own blog, but I'm doing it anyway. But, yeah I may post something with more detail about Quebec later when I'm in a better mood, but not right now...

I can't do a single fucking thing anymore without someone making me feel like shit about it. I don't get it. I think I'm supposed to spend these shitty years in a cardboard box reading the bible or something... but no, I'm not supposed to, because obviously that would mean I'm a close-minded homophobe.

I'm trying so hard to please as many people as possible lately, but that's just fucking impossible because everyone has a completely opposite view from the other person. Not to mention my uncle is visiting this weekend and apparently he talks to my mom like we're both "drunk sex fiends". GREAT, MORE JUDGEMENT. Everyone just fuck right off and let me think for myself.
fnjdkgnkdfgnrtkjngkrjgnek fucking double standardsss. My brain is so frustrated right now, I thought blogging would help but it's just making it harder to form sentences. I'm so stressed I want to get high, but I can't do that, because if you do drugs you're automatically a bad person, so instead I'll just do something else stupid that'll make me feel like shit later. Okay.

happyhappy state of mind!

Last night I had a ridiculously low night. It was the kind of night that doesn't creep along too often but when it does, it means business. I dealt with it though, one way or another, and kinda bonded with someone from my school. We ended up talking until 6am, having really good conversation about our own beliefs, hopes, disappointments, etc. It even got kind of philosophical. We have pretty different perspectives on some things which really carried the conversation nicely, and I was very impressed to learn he's quite the intelligent fella. I suppose I kind of misjudged him a bit ago when we first started talking. I hope we can stay friends. I need a few real friends at that school of mine.
Anyway, after that interesting night, I had a half hour nap and went to Jason's memorial mass. It was sad, I was braindead, and it made me miss him (and last summer) a lot, but it was... different. At first, it seemed as though no time had passed at all since his funeral in that same church last year. But I thought about it, socialized a tad with some of his friends and family... it was interesting (and comforting) to see how they've all been coping over the past year. Obviously the hurt is still there, he is still missed, but today was about celebrating him and learning to live without him and accept his death. It's still not fair, nor does it make sense that he was taken from us so early but now I understand some things just won't ever make sense. I'm super tired right now, so I can't elaborate a lot, but I really did learn about acceptance today, moving on, and holding old memories dear. Urrrg I'm too braindead to finish this thought. I'm just glad I knew Jason for the short time I did, overjoyed for all the lovely people who's lives he touched, and not going to forget him. He'll always be missed.
So Korrin and I hung out with aforementioned people for a while, then just us, which was decent. We haven't really hung out while sober for quite some time. It was nice just talking about whatever, as we ventured our way around the city. Later we met up with Justin and his friend Kurt for a bit which was cool. Not much to say about all that, just glad to be around beal people and not anxious for once.
Then I went to Jake's for a while. We were both in pretty shitty moods at first, but then we got talking and everything just kind of  made sense after a bit. Obviously it's early, but I'm pretty happy with dat boy. I'm actually pretty decently comfortable around him, which I know I never was around any previous boys. He's seen me in my darker moods, crying and messy, and he's also seen me laughing hysterically at complete nonsense for 15 minutes when I've been overtired. I like that I can be either extreme of my own personality around him. I like being honest with him. But, yeah, we spent a few lazy hours together and it was a good way to end the day, especially with my being exhausted from everything and leaving tomorrow. I mean, not all our days are lazy, we do some cool shit sometimes, but yeah... everything's just really balanced and makes sense right now.
Strange thought, his mom invited me to her bridal shower. Like, whaaat. I've never been to a bridal shower. Apparently she really likes me, which is fucking awesome. She's easily one of the coolest parents I've ever met, all hip with the kids and their punk rock and stuff. Not many parents I've met have ever liked me enough to invite me to things. She kind of reminds me of Alexander's mom like that, who is another fabulous person.

And meow, I must wake up at 5am tomorrow to take 3 trains to Quebec City. I suppose I'll be arriving at 9pm. I'm really excited to get away from London for a week. I'm leaving things on a pretty good note and I hope everything remains this pleasant when I return next week. For once, I'm not anxious, or wanting to get out of london just for the sake of escaping my life. I'm really curious to see what comes of Quebec, feeling cautiously optimistic about it all. I'm tired and not sure if I'll be updating this while I'm gone, so... yeah, bye for meow blogger. Sorry the ~flow~ of this sucked. Oh well.

be productive, be productive.

Last week I had a first and then a second interview at a Tim Horton's near my house. I think it went well. I know they called at least one of my references... I guess I'll find out sometime this coming week whether or not I'm hired. A job would be nice.
Since my last post, things have been pretty good. I went to Gaby's one day to go swimming and she had a handful of STA people over. It was nice seeing her and others, nice to go swimming, nice to sit outside chatting and drinking tea, nicenicenice after a day of hanging out with Emily prior to.
What have I been doing since? I hung out with Jake, his brother and their friend. That was okay. We generally just sit around and play video games which I don't mind. He also finally met my mother, brother and uncle (he was visiting this weekend). That went decently, I think they liked him. Then we went to a party at Korrin's. Maaan, I put him through a lot that day... meeting three of my family members, one of my best friends, and a handful of my other good friends, no pressure... not to mention he's straightedge and was the only sober person there. and he's also shy. hahaha. I admire dat dedication. I had a fun night though, except for when I drank too much. At least I was among friends, Jake didn't hate me for it and I didn't do anything too horrible. Overall, not much desire to drink again any time soon though. Still a fun night though.
Yesterday I went to sunfest! I got a handful of rings and a few bracelets. It was a nice evening and I really liked the music. This is strange and out of character for sober Mandy, but I really just wanted to go dance. Loud, fun music is a fabulous thing. I really want to go to a rave soon and lose myself in pleasant vibes and whatnot.
Alas, I live in London where raves just don't happen. :c Maybe someday.

I've also been drawing a little. I'm going to get some collage supplies on Tuesday and maybe go to a gallery or two this week. I miss frequently being surrounded by art! On another note, I am also thoroughly pleased with my new house and location. Convenience is a wonderful thing. Okay, goodbye.

Finally moved in, things are starting to come together.
There's soo much happening this week, gah. I really hope everything works out.
jfksdnfknkjdsf I shall blog about it all later. Why do I bother with posts like these?

moving sucks.

It's nearly 10 and the movers are still here with lots to do. Nothing fits right in my room, we don't have curtains or a fridge until who knows when and once the movers finish here we still have to go back to the old house and move some more stuff ourselves. Taylor's allergies are crazy bad, everyone's exhausted, hungry and gross and goddamn I just want this day to be over. I want to hurry up with the unpacking in hopes to make this place a bit more homey, but what's even happening with my room? This house feels so small and claustrophobic. Guuuh, this day just needs to end.

dis picture.

The other day Connor took this picture and I just fucking love it.
To me, it kind of looks like we're staring at her house in a reminiscent way, which reminds me of all the countless fun times I've had here with Emily. We've been friends for 11 years now and somehow not drifted apart, like I have with so many other people I went to public school with. Being in the midst of moving, I can't help but think Lobo has kind of been one constant place throughout my childhood. I've moved plenty of times to a handful of different neighbourhoods, so I don't really feel anything permanent and special towards the houses I live in now. But Lobo is different. Lobo is where my childhood best friend lives, and she, herself, is pretty constant as well. Through all the years we've known each other, there's never been a time where I haven't considered her a close friend. No matter what schools we go to, who we hang out with, how our interests and opinions change, we still stay friends. Lobo is the one place where I continuously return to, to find that nothing's ever changed too drastically, every memory is still in tact and I can be happy with my friend there. This reminiscing is making me smile. I really hope this friendship never dies.

H'okay, moving has officially commenced. I now have some things at the new house and most of my stuff still at this house. Tomorrow night will be my last night in this place! I was going to do a big long post but at this point I am just too TIRED. Good day.

Today was really goood.
First I slept in really frickin late (oops) then ventured downtown with Michelle. We weren't there long, but it was good fun. We quickly went through an art gallery, then looked around a store downtown before we had to bus back to Byron. I like hanging out with Michelle. We have really good conversations and she inspires me a lot to be productive. Sadly, she'll hardly be around all summer which sucks so fucking much... We've gotten so much closer this past year, I can truly call her one of my closest friends which is just so wonderful.
Another thing, bffl's leaving for a month :( This makes me sad, I shall miss him as well.
But, mrah. I must make plans with the people I've hardly seen all year and reconnect and things.
But, yeah, after I hung out with Michelle we went to Emily's and had a fantastic bonfire which many people actually attended! It was tons of fun. Everyone was just happy and laughing, glad to be out of school and stuff. It was good, sober fun. Sober fun is good, sober fun is important. I hope we have other good fires.
I also really need to get a job this summer... I miss shopping trips with Emily and hanging out downtown and stuff. I also want to frequent art galleries more often. This summer should be fun, but it muust be productive too. I'm in a pretty good mood tonight, I guess. And tomorrow I begin moving. Hm.

I feel like a lot has happened this past week and yet not a lot at all.
Basically.. I got all my work done, wrote my exams and I think I did okay, somewhat befriended someone from my school, officially acquired a boyfriend, hung out with friends I haven't seen in a while and went to a party. It's now summer and I'm moving in 2 days... 2 days.
I feel weird. I started my summer off with a straightedge boyfriend, went to a party and hung out with molly again, and soon I'm moving. I feel like this summer's going to be strange, like things are going to change but hopefully be good.

I hope I do a lot of art, I hope I like my new house, I hope I socialize a lot this summer and do many different things. I hope I'm busy and happy and never stressed about things. I'm gonna try not think/worry about going back to school in the fall. I also seriously need to find a job, now that I won't have my paper route... merr. Must not stress. I'm glad I'm away from a large mass of teenagers on a daily basis now.

I drank a lot of coffee, didn't sleep till 2pm and I've been packing/doing homework most of the day. I think I was just having a bad week. This next one is going to fly by, and then I'll be busy with moving shit, which could be stressful but merp, I don't care, no more being sad. I think I cleared my mind a bit. This is good.

My room is filled with abandon, my homework is yet left undone. I look at pictures of myself all filled with hope and so alive but all these high school days, take me away... Stress and high duress replace the hope I had every day.... The song high school low couldn't more accurately describe how I feel lately. Just, so shitty... I'm currently sitting in a field where there is miraculously wifi. I've been spending a lot of time alone lately, a lot of time in this field. I'm so unmotivated, sad and useles lately. My grades are dropping, I've missed a lot of class this week and I've been smoking weed almost every day which is stupid and gross and I shouldn't. But I'm just so low... But higher highs mean lower lows. When will I ever learn? I even broke down crying at lunch yesterday... So then I got high because for some reason I'm under the impression that drugs are a better means of dealing with things... NOT TRUE. Stop it, self. I fuxking suck, just ugh. I haven't made an effort to hang out with anyone lately and I keep telling myself I will after exams but who fuxking knows. For the record the x's in fucking are just typos and I'm lazy. But yeah. I feel bad cause I'm about to sleepover at my boyfriend ish person's house for the 2nd weekend in a row without my mom knowing... I hate lying to her, but if I stay home tonight I know I'll just get super depressed then end up getting too high to function.. So in a way, it's for the best.. I guess? I just don't wanna feel like this anymore. I really hope I'll be able to pick myself back up once the school stress is gone.

Dat last full week of school stress.
I have to draw a self portrait with something interesting about it by next Wednesday and I have no ideas for it. Purrhaps I will make myself into a cat. But on top of that, I think I owe two more portrait drawings and I suck at portrait drawing and fjknsdkf I need to draw like 6000 portraits so my self portrait doesn't suck but balls to that. I also need to improve 2 drawings by Thursday for figure drawing which is time consuming. Aaand I have my math summative to worry about.
Plus today we started more literacy circle group work things in English for short stories which freaked me out because I couldn't socialize in that class if my life depended on it. Luckily, my teacher says I can just work on it all by myself in the library as usual, but that means all the work's on me rather than divided up between 4 other people. I guess that's better than attempting to be an ordinary person who can socialize though. Shitty timing though.
I also have a bust to glaze in ceramics, 8 prints to be... printed and an etching to create.
Tomorrow's my g1 test and I'm just starting to study now and apparently it's not that difficult but still, I worry.

So rather than getting started on all this stuff I'll just sit here and complain it.
jk gonna study meow... also I had a really good weekend. the end.