H'okay, so I've felt extremely crappy for the past week or so because I'm afraid to let go of 2010. It's honestly been such an amazing year...
I've made a few friends, gotten closer to people, went to tonsss of really good shows- Warped Tour included ohmygodjkfnsjkf, tried some new things, found about so much new music, and had some really fucking fun days.

I love this year.

But I suppose I'm finally ready to let it go, cause that's just what you do.

I think there's going to be a ton of changes in 2011, which just makes it even scarier, but I'm definitely ready.

I remember last New Year's Eve... I was at a house full of people from my school who I didn't know very well at all. I was awkward, but I tried my best to socialize, and I think I did an okay job. Korrin was there (and Emily wasn't, shocker) which was nice. I was with her the entire time, and it was nice spending time with just her. Actually, another bonus was that Emily wasn't there. I luhh her and all, but it's nice not blending into the person next to me, and getting to just be Mandy for once. Back on topic, I talked to a handful of new people that night, and Levi spared me some words of wisdom. By the time we were counting down, everything felt wonderful. I felt included, and accepted, and it was a great atmosphere. I went from being almost too scared to get out of Marcus' car, to wishing I could stay longer. That's one of the best feelings in the world, by the way. The only sad thing was that I said barely a word to Jared, who was kind of hanging out alone all night. But, I eventually made up for it, so whatever.

I wish there had been a party like that for tonight. But no, because now certain friends are self-proclaimed stoned lesbians who wheel guys anyway and would hate to be sober, and about a billion other issues of friendships falling apart, people drifting, blahblahblah. These holidays are not what I would've hoped for, but I still really appreciate and enjoy them nonetheless.

So tonight calls for many laughs with my bffl, so wew. c:

...I'm gonna go finish getting ready so I can try to be on time for once. Byebye blogger, see you in the new year.

Man, that was ages ago.

:)

6 A.M. AND I'M STILL KICKIN'~

I'll kick myself in the face if I don't get some sleep soon. hahah

Tumblr

is not something I enjoy right now, ohmygod.

Almost everything on there makes me uncomfortable to some extent.

Yeah. So I'll just stick to the sims, and whatever real life brings.

dkjlfmnkjfnrekjl

I have conjured my own personal recipe for mass destruction... of crap moods.

First, I shall drown my ears with Taking Back Sunday, live from Orensanz. Da best~

Second, when boredom occurs, play The Sims for a mandytory hour and a half. Give them the life I wish I had. Okay.

Though the second step is usually optional.

fjdsklfsmnkjf

You are so freaking great, I don't even have words for you right now. C:

Okay, just needed to say that. 'night, world.

And then the nightmares come back. Fucking awesome.

But I don't care, I won't let them ruin things for me. This is going to be a good holiday. It has to be.

Okay, herewego. I told myself I'd try this with a generous outlook.

Dear Mandy,
I am sorry I've been so cruel to you throughout the years. I am even more sorry for the past few months in particular. I have been beyond cruel to you, both mentally and physically. You do not deserve the tortures I have put you through. Although it remains clear that you're not the coolest cat in the crib and that there is plenty of room for improvement, this does not justify my bullying. I'm going to try to be kinder to you, and do things properly. I owe you that much. And really, I only get one of you. So let's make this work.
Sincerely, yourself.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm ready to fall asleep now. Come on eyes, let me do it.

I'm sick of being so goddamn replaceable.

I just want to exist. I want to mean something important to someone.

And even more, I just really want sleep right now.

I want to wake up and feel that happy mood I felt all weekend.

Okay, I don't care, I'm going to blog this.

So once upon a time I was a very troubled girl but I actually opened up to people. So it got back to me that apparently someone who I opened up to thought I was a downer. I guess I really was, too. But anyway, said friend told this person that told me that if I kept being a downer, they were just going to shut me out completely. Do you know how scary that is? It was like, apparently I was a lot more miserable than I thought, and it was bringing others down so much that they were willing to shove aside all the positive aspects of our friendship and just be done with me. Like, that's some really excessive sorrow being thrown around. Also, I was really close with this person. /heartbroken

So since then I've kept everything more bottled up than you can imagine. No, it's not even a bottle. It's almost a skyscraper inside of me. I can't tell people things, because no one likes a sad person. No one likes a downer.

So I smile like this :D and everything's okay, right?
NOT.

Bottling things up only makes the original sadness 100x worse.
But so does burdening others.

It's like a big stupid cycle or paranoia.

Also, it turned out that said friend may not have even said that, and it might have been a huge misunderstanding, but still. It's a scary thought.

THANKS FOR SCARRING ME FOR LIFE, JERK~

Now I can't open up to anyone, and for that I will never truly be able to get emotionally close to someone, and in the end be forever alone.

SO AWESOME, RIGHT?

/Facetruck, now. Bye.

I still do not even go here.

Blaaaaaaaah, happy mood come back. Thanks!

Can I just lie in my bed for a while until things piece together, ok.

I don't even go here.

Okay, so we're on to our third snow day today.
I love staying home, but I'm looking forward to actually getting out of the house and frolicking in the snow with my bffl later. :]

But lately, fuck. I've been having these dreams.
They started on Sunday night and haven't left me yet.
They've also been getting worse every night.
So Sunday night's dream = scary, but not that bad. Not the end of the world.
Monday night's dream = started out pretty good, then got a bit sad. ThengotjustplaincreepyandIwantedtodieohmygod.
Last night's dream = WORLD. SHATTERED.
There's always two bad things that happen in each dream. For the first two nights, the first bad thing that happened was upsetting, yes, but also very liveable and is stuff that's actually happened. So just, not toooo bad. BUT THEN. THE FIRST THING THAT HAPPENED IN LAST NIGHT'S... it was so bad, I woke myself up and didn't see #2, though I know what was going to happen. Yeah, see part number two to each dream is always significantly worse than part one. If that makes sense.

And I think the #2 that I woke myself up from today will be dreamed about tonight. But it'll probably be a #1, because the dreams are always worse than the night's before. But if the #2 of last night is supposed to not be the worst part of tomorrow night, then... wtf. I can't even imagine what it'll be. There are very few things that are worse than the #2 of last night. Also, how can a nightmare on Thursday night even exist? There'll be no way of making things worse. :/

Ugh, and what's worse is, I can't unsee the things I saw my dreams. I can't forget them, and it's getting kind of difficult to accept that they're just dreams. What if they're all things that are going to happen?

I'm so fucking scared. I officially hate sleep.

HBDKJSDNFKJS!
I'm so happy right now, it's a snow day and I can stay home :D :D
I could easily go back to sleep, but right now I'm so happy, I'd rather just dance around the house like a f00l~

I'm gonna play Animal Crossing, then take a nap, then wish I still had a big backyard and snowpants. haha

FUCKYEAHSNOWDAYSSSSSSS

Also, 9 school days till Christmas Break. I'm so stoked ndfkjnskjfndf
I'm really gonna miss these little breaks in life that adults scarcely get.
It makes me realize how much I really love being 15. ♥

so I figured out the gamecube last night, and played some Zelda and Animal Crossing and stayed up too late and talked to people and it was a great night.

ANDNAOIWANTSNOWPANTS

staying home tonight, of course.

I had awesome plans of playing Zelda all night BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE TAYLOR HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA OF MOVING THE WII UPSTAIRS. I CAN'T PLAY IT UPSTAIRS, MOM'S WATCHING TV UP THERE AND MAKING FOOD OR SOMETHING.
So then I thought, okay well I'll play the sims then. I can give them the social lives I wish I had.
1) He took the xbox to his friend's house.
2) I can't even figure out how to set up the gamecube.

waaaaah, I hate today.
I hate most days.

I handed out a bunch of resumes yesterday. Why? It's not as much the fact that I need money, it's the fact that I just need something demanding to take up time and not leave me moping around the house.

/lame post over