I want to meet the higher beings.

Well, hey.
Heads up, I don't see this entry going anywhere.
I'm posting because I'm not sleeping, and normally I'd be reading, because I've been doing that a lot lately, but my book is almost finished and endings usually rip me to shreds. Run on sentences, hooray.
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You know what?
I can't express myself lately. I can't, I can't, I can't.
I think I've been thinking even more lately. I'm so lost in my mind, where'd that door go? I feel like when I speak, I'm not Mandy. As if every bit of each word is some fraction of a lie. I realize this is growing up, and I realize I don't know anything because I'm just an insignificant 14 year old with a paper route.
You know what bothers me? When someone tells me I don't know myself, because I'm young.
What are you even saying? I know who I am as a fourteen year old. I know my fourteen year old self QUITE well. Of course I don't know my wiser, more mature 40 year old self. I can't possibly. But I don't need to, because that person isn't even me yet. Why focus on who I'll be in 26 years now? It's not do-able. Do you know what I'm getting at? I hope you do.
Anyway, I guess I'll just make a few statements, and ask a few questions. I love questions, by the way. Also, yes, everything I'm about to say is completely ordinary, and I'm sure majority of teenagers think/feel the same. I don't care about them though, because this is my blog and I'm not trying to be significant. Also, I'm significant in my own ways, in select lives. Good enough.

I wonder if the reason why I'm so afraid of letting everyone else down is because if I did, I would ultimately let myself down. But I let myself down all the time by trying so hard. Striving is useless, sure, but what/who would I be if I just didn't bother? I don't think I'd be living.
I fear a friend hates me, and has for the past two months now. That's so completely ridiculous that it somehow makes sense.
I fear I'm lying about a certain something. I fear I've fooled myself into thinking I feel the way I do, when maybe, I don't at all.
I fear I'll never pull myself together. But have I really even fallen apart? How can I know something like that? That's where perspective comes in, and what's been going on lately.
I don't like how completely ambiguous life is. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I feel like I'm playing Pokemon, except I'm completely clueless and have no idea that the main focus of THE GAME is to beat the Elite Four and catch 'em all. What's the main focus of my life? Success? What's success? What's important to me? Career? Am I supposed to have an amazing career? Make lots of money? Purchase the best furniture for my incredibly swanky home? Have a better garden than my neighbour? The whole "love" thing? Family? Is all of that what life comes down to? I don't think I could ever fully accomplish even ONE of those things, much less all of them.
There's such high standards for EVERYTHING. No matter what I do, I can never win. There'll always be something better. Is this where acceptance comes in? How can you possibly expect me to accept my flaws when I'm surrounded by the ever-sinister media? They're shoving their ideal perfection down my throat, and I can't let myself think otherwise. We're all brainwashed. Who the fuck had that great idea? They're a jerk. But at the same time, it's so necessary. We all feed off each other. A big cycle. One man's trash is another man's treasure. We're all secretly uncivillized monsters. Is THAT how life is?
I once had a close friend, or something like that, who constantly tried to make me do things I wasn't comfortable with. He would tell me that I have to do those things, because it would make me socially accepted by the general public. But, that wasn't the person I was. Believe me, I do struggle so much with not fitting in, and never being deemed good enough. But I also realize that I can't ever accomplish that. Human brains aren't built that way.
It's like every little thing in the planet has a thousand meanings behind it, and you're shit out of luck if you think you'll find the right one.

So, I conclude, I don't know anything. Perhaps that makes me unintelligent, uninteresting and entirely ordinary. But how can I be anything else? We live in a world where everything is, potentially, laid out in front of us. Kindergarten with a twist? I don't want to keep ranting.

Maybe I should work on accepting more and thinking a whole lot less. Maybe I need to stop stressing the major things because there just aren't any answers.

Or maybe I need to make it my sworn mission to meet the higher beings. However, that is mission impossible. Not like that movie, because although I've never seen that movie, I'm almost certain there's a solution in the end. Not so impossible, is it?

OH, speaking of solutions, I like to throw this quote out there every now and then, because it's optimistic, makes sense, and normally makes me feel a bit better.
"Everything will work out in the end. If they haven't yet, it's not the end."

That's not word-for-word. It's probably kind of cheesy. Whatever.

Bye.

P.S. I realize I misuse commas, and my grammar isn't the best.

P.P.S. Things have been going considerably well lately.

P.P.P.S. Go thank your mother/mother figure for everything they do for you. They truly deserve it.

P.P.P.P.S. I don't know why I'm using P.S.s, as this is not really a letter. That's all.