Day 5
Dear Dreams,
You're not very interesting and just plain weird. Kind of stupid too. Some nights, you have your moments, but they're not that often. Can't you kick it up a notch? Be more entertaining like Emily's dreams? Be of some importance? No, I suppose you can't. It's my dream, what I dream about is up to me, right?
Funny how that sounds like a representation of my personality.
-Mandy
So, I continue to feel like shit. I wouldn't have felt like shit last night and today if I had actually had that conversation I hoped for the other day. I'm sure of it. And even if I'm not sure of it, I'll blame it on that.
Tomorrow's Warped Tour. I'm going with three people who are incredibly excited for it. I'm too busy feeling like shit, and feeling kind of anxious to really be excited. But if anyone asks, I'm so excited that my brain swelled up and is currently gushing out of my ears.
Whatever, I'll get over it.
I always get over it, don't I?
I'll get to sleep before 12 tonight, and tomorrow during the car ride there, I'll write really motivational letters to myself. I'll fake my happiness so much that I start to believe it. And then I will believe it. I always do that.
Kgreat, glad we established that.
Fuckyou.
-Mandy
P.S. About 90% of the time when I say "you", I'm not referring to whoever's reading this. When I blog, I pretend that I'm saying all this to a real human. Not a specific human though. Not even one that I know. Just thought I'd clear that up.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
hardcore fucking cookies!
Hey there blog, I'll be writing about my brother shortly, but first I gotta talk about my day.
So in the afternoon, I went over to a friend's house. We watched soccer then made hardcore cookies. Okay, they weren't that hardcore... but whatever. Then we saw a movie. Afterwards, we walked back to my house. I must say, I was let down. See, whenever my friend hangs out with another certain friend, she turns in to a cocky, heartless wench. Well, no, she's not as bad as I'm probably making her out to be. I still luhh her and all. But anyway, it sucks a bit. I wanted to talk about stuff, because we used to always have really good conversations walking home. I cherished those walks, y'know? But she doesn't care about much, so I figured it'd be stupid to bring it up. Err, it just... I don't know, it didn't feel like a good time to talk about it anymore. So now I've got these thoughts in my head, and I want to talk about them. But... well, when she went home, I sat in a gazeebo (pardon the possible spelling error) by my house and thought for a bit. I realized that my three best female friends... well, they're not there so much anymore. The one friend, she's not quite the same, so I don't really want to talk to her about it. It's not really something I would talk to her about anyway. My other friend, I don't see very much. I used to walk home with her too, or walk around in general, and we'd have really good conversations. But now whenever I hang out with her, it's never just us, so those conversations are so unlikely. And my other friend... she's not a big part of my life anymore. We drifted. It hurts. It's not like we're enemies or anything, we're far from that... but, y'know. And, although I do have another bffl, a great bffl actually, I don't know if I want to talk to him about something like that. We've never really talked about something like this before. I don't know. I guess there's other friends I could try talking to too, but I'm scared. That means letting more people in. I'M SO SCARED. I hate bringing things up. I'm such a private person. But, while I was thinking in the gazeebo, a wave of sadness hit me over this. I need my friends back ): ):
I NEED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC NOW, OTHERWISE I'LL CRY AND IT'LL SUCK.
Anyway, here goes that letter to my brother, lalalahjfnsdkjnfsk,
DAY 4.
Dear Taylor,
You're fucking awesome. I couldn't ask for a better brother. I guess some people don't like you, but I think you're great. Apparently you talk too much, but I'm glad you do. It evens things out. When we go to family things, you do a lot of the talking, and kind of encourage me to talk too. I certainly couldn't survive those gatherings without you. Also, you have pretty decent taste in music, and you're fashionably aware as well. It's pretty great, if I'm not sure about what I'm wearing, I can ask you if it looks alright. You normally say it does too, which makes feel better about myself. Also, you get my sense of humour! And you encourage me to socialize with your friends! You have some great friends. Although we get along pretty badly in the morning, that's okay. We're just not morning people. I know it doesn't seem like I appreciate you too much, but I really do. I'm so glad you're my brother :D
-Mandy
Okay, writing that letter helped me feel better. But I'm probably in for a rough night. Awesome. Whatever, I knew things were going too well lately. I need a little bit of sorrow to even things out, right? Right? Yeah. :)
Bye.
So in the afternoon, I went over to a friend's house. We watched soccer then made hardcore cookies. Okay, they weren't that hardcore... but whatever. Then we saw a movie. Afterwards, we walked back to my house. I must say, I was let down. See, whenever my friend hangs out with another certain friend, she turns in to a cocky, heartless wench. Well, no, she's not as bad as I'm probably making her out to be. I still luhh her and all. But anyway, it sucks a bit. I wanted to talk about stuff, because we used to always have really good conversations walking home. I cherished those walks, y'know? But she doesn't care about much, so I figured it'd be stupid to bring it up. Err, it just... I don't know, it didn't feel like a good time to talk about it anymore. So now I've got these thoughts in my head, and I want to talk about them. But... well, when she went home, I sat in a gazeebo (pardon the possible spelling error) by my house and thought for a bit. I realized that my three best female friends... well, they're not there so much anymore. The one friend, she's not quite the same, so I don't really want to talk to her about it. It's not really something I would talk to her about anyway. My other friend, I don't see very much. I used to walk home with her too, or walk around in general, and we'd have really good conversations. But now whenever I hang out with her, it's never just us, so those conversations are so unlikely. And my other friend... she's not a big part of my life anymore. We drifted. It hurts. It's not like we're enemies or anything, we're far from that... but, y'know. And, although I do have another bffl, a great bffl actually, I don't know if I want to talk to him about something like that. We've never really talked about something like this before. I don't know. I guess there's other friends I could try talking to too, but I'm scared. That means letting more people in. I'M SO SCARED. I hate bringing things up. I'm such a private person. But, while I was thinking in the gazeebo, a wave of sadness hit me over this. I need my friends back ): ):
I NEED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC NOW, OTHERWISE I'LL CRY AND IT'LL SUCK.
Anyway, here goes that letter to my brother, lalalahjfnsdkjnfsk,
DAY 4.
Dear Taylor,
You're fucking awesome. I couldn't ask for a better brother. I guess some people don't like you, but I think you're great. Apparently you talk too much, but I'm glad you do. It evens things out. When we go to family things, you do a lot of the talking, and kind of encourage me to talk too. I certainly couldn't survive those gatherings without you. Also, you have pretty decent taste in music, and you're fashionably aware as well. It's pretty great, if I'm not sure about what I'm wearing, I can ask you if it looks alright. You normally say it does too, which makes feel better about myself. Also, you get my sense of humour! And you encourage me to socialize with your friends! You have some great friends. Although we get along pretty badly in the morning, that's okay. We're just not morning people. I know it doesn't seem like I appreciate you too much, but I really do. I'm so glad you're my brother :D
-Mandy
Okay, writing that letter helped me feel better. But I'm probably in for a rough night. Awesome. Whatever, I knew things were going too well lately. I need a little bit of sorrow to even things out, right? Right? Yeah. :)
Bye.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
the new is in, the new is in.
Hey. So I've decided I won't skip any of the days, because that's weak. For me, anyway.
So first thing's first, today> it was pretty great. I just got back from seeing Toy Story 3. Oh my god, it was so good. It was intense, kind of funny, terribly upsetting, and incredibly happy. It was beeeaaaautiful :3
Now here goes the letters. DAY THREE.
Dear Mom,
I love you. I honestly couldn't ask for a better mother. You've raised me well, and you did it on your own too. You're a real hero. Sometimes, it's true, I feel a bit smothered, but I think that's the way it should be. I'd hate it if you were too slack, because then I'd run wild and expect everything to be handed to me. And you're still pretty easy going with things. I have the freedom I need, taking it all step by step, and I especially love how accepting you are. You encourage creativity and individuality. I'm sure I've let you down before, but believe me, I do try not to. I remember somewhere between grade 3 and 6, you fixed a barbeque and called yourself super mom, because that is typically "a man's job". I agree. You ARE supermom. I've learned how to stand on my own two feet because of you. You really do inspire me, and I'm so glad I've been able to spend my first almost 15 years with you. I honestly don't know what I would do without you, and I hope we always stay as close as we are now for years and years and years. I love you, Mama :3
Dear Father,
This is really difficult to write. You passed away when I was less than a year old. I guess some people could argue that you don't mean anything to me. For my own self, I think they're wrong. You gave me life. So much of me, comes directly from you. But, you're gone. I think about you a lot. I compare myself to my mother, and I always wonder if the traits she lacks, you had. But I'll never know. I hate thinking about you because I can never EVER reach a conclusion of any sort. It also upsets me how you left this world. You were far too young, and your death was unfair. Drunk driving. So cruel. That's affected me a lot too. As I'm getting older, I'm seeing alcohol and drugs around me more and more. Father, did you know that I've never been drunk? The only alcohol to ever enter me was a small sip of Mom's when I was younger and more curious. I decided at age 10 or so that I'm no fan of alcohol. Or maybe I made the decision a long time ago without really realizing it. I can't remember. Father, did you know I've never abused drugs before? Well, sometimes I take too many stress pills, but they can't possibly have a negative effect on me. I'm going in to grade 10 now, like I said, there's drugs and alcohol everywhere. I've even lost a few friends to drugs. One of my best friends gets drunk sometimes. And even though it's not often, I suspect she wishes it were. Really, at least half of my friends are in to alcohol. I'm told that most adults are too. This scares me. Maybe if everyone else lost their father like I lost you, they'd have a better understanding. I don't want to be too biased in believing alcohol is the root of all evil because, it isn't necessarily. Not all the time. But still, it scares me. I hope to avoid alcohol. I hope to think of it as honouring you, the important stranger in my life. Mom seems to only have bad things to say about you, so I never ask her about you anymore. You can't be as bad as she says you are, can you? I'm not part evil, am I? There's another conclusion I'll never reach. That said, bye Father.
There we go. If it strikes you as odd that I refer to the man that gave me birth as "Father", keep in mind that Father is the technical term of the male who's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg. Dad is stereotypically someone who teaches you how to ride a bike, picks you up from school, lets you bend rules and overprotects his daughter when she gets involved with boys. I don't really have a Dad unfortunately, though I know my mom tries her best to be both parents. Anyway.
I think I'll end this now. Writing felt good, just saying.
Bye now.
Oh, P.S. Guess who's dating Jesus Christ?... Yeah, that's right. :)
So first thing's first, today> it was pretty great. I just got back from seeing Toy Story 3. Oh my god, it was so good. It was intense, kind of funny, terribly upsetting, and incredibly happy. It was beeeaaaautiful :3
Now here goes the letters. DAY THREE.
Dear Mom,
I love you. I honestly couldn't ask for a better mother. You've raised me well, and you did it on your own too. You're a real hero. Sometimes, it's true, I feel a bit smothered, but I think that's the way it should be. I'd hate it if you were too slack, because then I'd run wild and expect everything to be handed to me. And you're still pretty easy going with things. I have the freedom I need, taking it all step by step, and I especially love how accepting you are. You encourage creativity and individuality. I'm sure I've let you down before, but believe me, I do try not to. I remember somewhere between grade 3 and 6, you fixed a barbeque and called yourself super mom, because that is typically "a man's job". I agree. You ARE supermom. I've learned how to stand on my own two feet because of you. You really do inspire me, and I'm so glad I've been able to spend my first almost 15 years with you. I honestly don't know what I would do without you, and I hope we always stay as close as we are now for years and years and years. I love you, Mama :3
Dear Father,
This is really difficult to write. You passed away when I was less than a year old. I guess some people could argue that you don't mean anything to me. For my own self, I think they're wrong. You gave me life. So much of me, comes directly from you. But, you're gone. I think about you a lot. I compare myself to my mother, and I always wonder if the traits she lacks, you had. But I'll never know. I hate thinking about you because I can never EVER reach a conclusion of any sort. It also upsets me how you left this world. You were far too young, and your death was unfair. Drunk driving. So cruel. That's affected me a lot too. As I'm getting older, I'm seeing alcohol and drugs around me more and more. Father, did you know that I've never been drunk? The only alcohol to ever enter me was a small sip of Mom's when I was younger and more curious. I decided at age 10 or so that I'm no fan of alcohol. Or maybe I made the decision a long time ago without really realizing it. I can't remember. Father, did you know I've never abused drugs before? Well, sometimes I take too many stress pills, but they can't possibly have a negative effect on me. I'm going in to grade 10 now, like I said, there's drugs and alcohol everywhere. I've even lost a few friends to drugs. One of my best friends gets drunk sometimes. And even though it's not often, I suspect she wishes it were. Really, at least half of my friends are in to alcohol. I'm told that most adults are too. This scares me. Maybe if everyone else lost their father like I lost you, they'd have a better understanding. I don't want to be too biased in believing alcohol is the root of all evil because, it isn't necessarily. Not all the time. But still, it scares me. I hope to avoid alcohol. I hope to think of it as honouring you, the important stranger in my life. Mom seems to only have bad things to say about you, so I never ask her about you anymore. You can't be as bad as she says you are, can you? I'm not part evil, am I? There's another conclusion I'll never reach. That said, bye Father.
There we go. If it strikes you as odd that I refer to the man that gave me birth as "Father", keep in mind that Father is the technical term of the male who's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg. Dad is stereotypically someone who teaches you how to ride a bike, picks you up from school, lets you bend rules and overprotects his daughter when she gets involved with boys. I don't really have a Dad unfortunately, though I know my mom tries her best to be both parents. Anyway.
I think I'll end this now. Writing felt good, just saying.
Bye now.
Oh, P.S. Guess who's dating Jesus Christ?... Yeah, that's right. :)
Monday, July 5, 2010
Hey. I'm skipping Day 2 of that thing.
Anyway, today is so overbearing. I didn't sleep at all last night, so I'm kind of weak. Yet here I am, 11:30, not showering then sleeping. I'm too tired to shower. But I can't sleep until I shower. Therefore, I'm just tiring myself out even more. Also, I need more music. Just sayin. No, I need sleep. nfckjdnfjksdnf
No, I need to write more. I guess I won't skip day 2. But I'm not posting it here.
Also, I've been lurking tumblrs A LOT. But I won't get one. No sir.
Also, DRAWING.
Also, goodbye.
UPDATE, I changed my mind. Day 2.
DearAdmiredPerson, I'mentirelyshockedthatsomeonelikeyouisnotdisgustedbysomeonelikeme. However, Iamnot complaining, asIenjoyyourcompany. And,Saturdaynightwas...reallygood.:)Icertainlylook forwardtoseeingyouagainsoon. Pleasexcusemyformalities. Thankyou,thatisall.
Pfffffft. Loser. :)
Anyway, today is so overbearing. I didn't sleep at all last night, so I'm kind of weak. Yet here I am, 11:30, not showering then sleeping. I'm too tired to shower. But I can't sleep until I shower. Therefore, I'm just tiring myself out even more. Also, I need more music. Just sayin. No, I need sleep. nfckjdnfjksdnf
No, I need to write more. I guess I won't skip day 2. But I'm not posting it here.
Also, I've been lurking tumblrs A LOT. But I won't get one. No sir.
Also, DRAWING.
Also, goodbye.
UPDATE, I changed my mind. Day 2.
DearAdmiredPerson, I'mentirelyshockedthatsomeonelikeyouisnotdisgustedbysomeonelikeme. However, Iamnot complaining, asIenjoyyourcompany. And,Saturdaynightwas...reallygood.:)Icertainlylook forwardtoseeingyouagainsoon. Pleasexcusemyformalities. Thankyou,thatisall.
Pfffffft. Loser. :)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Shoot, I got distracted >__>
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
I love to think, so I think I'll enjoy this. Although I'll possibly have to skip/ do a very poor job for some of these days, as the people don't really exist.
HERE'S DAY 1
Dear Emily,
Hi. I don't know what to say. We have a kind of weird friendship. We've been best friends for 11 years. We have a great understanding of each other. But we get along so strangely. We're both really stubborn, so we're not always happy with each other. Or maybe that's just me. I think the main thing is, I'm just too damn jealous of you. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. I couldn't bear to... y'know... not be friends. We have so much fun together, it's the best. We hang out all the time and I never really get sick of you. Our inside jokes could almost be a whole new language. I can talk to you, without thinking. You're always there, and even when you're not because you were "barfing" that day or whatever, I get a new perspective which is helpful and insightful in it's own way. Also, I love how helpful you've been lately. Because I'm kind of getting less self conscious. It's fucking awesome. Anyway, I can't picture life without you. :3 And, I doubt you read my blog anymore. But hey, no complaints over here. :P I bet I could say waaaaaay more, but let's keep it kind of simple. So, bye. :)
And to my other bffl, you know who you are :)
I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. First of all, you're a really great friend. You're really honest and, well, yourself. I have no trouble talking to you, and I think it's the same for you. I feel like we have a lot in common too. And I'm still so greatful that you decided to be my friend in the bnorth days. You sure made things a whole lot easier, and you still kinda do that now. It's just great, knowing I've always got a friend like you around. Also, I trust you. You're really a good person, and thank you :) Bye now.
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
I love to think, so I think I'll enjoy this. Although I'll possibly have to skip/ do a very poor job for some of these days, as the people don't really exist.
HERE'S DAY 1
Dear Emily,
Hi. I don't know what to say. We have a kind of weird friendship. We've been best friends for 11 years. We have a great understanding of each other. But we get along so strangely. We're both really stubborn, so we're not always happy with each other. Or maybe that's just me. I think the main thing is, I'm just too damn jealous of you. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. I couldn't bear to... y'know... not be friends. We have so much fun together, it's the best. We hang out all the time and I never really get sick of you. Our inside jokes could almost be a whole new language. I can talk to you, without thinking. You're always there, and even when you're not because you were "barfing" that day or whatever, I get a new perspective which is helpful and insightful in it's own way. Also, I love how helpful you've been lately. Because I'm kind of getting less self conscious. It's fucking awesome. Anyway, I can't picture life without you. :3 And, I doubt you read my blog anymore. But hey, no complaints over here. :P I bet I could say waaaaaay more, but let's keep it kind of simple. So, bye. :)
And to my other bffl, you know who you are :)
I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. First of all, you're a really great friend. You're really honest and, well, yourself. I have no trouble talking to you, and I think it's the same for you. I feel like we have a lot in common too. And I'm still so greatful that you decided to be my friend in the bnorth days. You sure made things a whole lot easier, and you still kinda do that now. It's just great, knowing I've always got a friend like you around. Also, I trust you. You're really a good person, and thank you :) Bye now.
So right now, I need sleep but there's a million other things I want to do need to do but they just don't happen.
Nehh, Paper Bag and reading? We're okaaay
Oh, wait, maybe I'll think a bit.
I felt like I was in a movie, looking back. Hmm.
Hahaha, yesssss. I just skimmed through that previous post I posted, the one about changing my perspective or whatever. "saturday>korrin's party>socializingmustbedone>endingverdictisnotcertain" Just sayin', I quite liked the ending verdict.
This week calls for more shopping with motherdearest tomorrow, a movie about toys of the talking sort, hanging out in the earlier hours with a truly good friend, hanging out with someone new, WARPED FUCKING TOUR, another social gathering, and uncertainty of the rest of the week's happenings. (:
Cool, I'm going to go do some stuff, then maybe I won't feel so sick, then maybe I'll sleep but I can't sleep too much, won't sleep too much, Goodnight
Nehh, Paper Bag and reading? We're okaaay
Oh, wait, maybe I'll think a bit.
I felt like I was in a movie, looking back. Hmm.
Hahaha, yesssss. I just skimmed through that previous post I posted, the one about changing my perspective or whatever. "saturday>korrin's party>socializingmustbedone>endingverdictisnotcertain" Just sayin', I quite liked the ending verdict.
This week calls for more shopping with motherdearest tomorrow, a movie about toys of the talking sort, hanging out in the earlier hours with a truly good friend, hanging out with someone new, WARPED FUCKING TOUR, another social gathering, and uncertainty of the rest of the week's happenings. (:
Cool, I'm going to go do some stuff, then maybe I won't feel so sick, then maybe I'll sleep but I can't sleep too much, won't sleep too much, Goodnight
Friday, July 2, 2010
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag.
fjnsdkjnfksd, 'cause I know I'm a mess he don't want to clean up, asrfdghI gotto fold, 'causethesehands are tooo shakey tohold, Hunger hurts, but starving works, whenitcoststoomuchtoRIPYOURFACEOFFFFF.
"I don't feel so good, don't feel justified..."
-"It's all in your head"
"So's everything..."
Sup Fiona Apple, 4R3n'T ! s3333ww h!P$744A!?~
prom pride was really great.
"I don't feel so good, don't feel justified..."
-"It's all in your head"
"So's everything..."
Sup Fiona Apple, 4R3n'T ! s3333ww h!P$744A!?~
prom pride was really great.
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