Shitty day was shitty.
The morning was good, but then I went to art class after lunch and then it didn't just go down hill, it jumped off a cliff. Michelle wasn't there (because her cat died, poor thing ): ) and whenever Michelle isn't in class I am always struck with the reminder that it's been nearly a full year at Beal and I have hardly any new friends to show for it. I'm so fucking alone and it really hurts sometimes. Most people look straight through me, and the ones that don't just kind of look at me strangely. I know I complain about this a lot, but it's just always so relevant. I'm still too shy to talk to anyone... to the point that on the rare occasion someone actually, say, asks me for a pencil I'm usually too flustered to reply without a good 20 second pause to take in the fact that I'm being acknowledged and don'tfuckthisup. Stupid, stupid little things like that. But anyway, art class was terrible. I sat by myself and tried to get lost in my drawing and music but all I could think about was how much of a fucking loser I must look like and that everyone in my class must hate me, therefore I should be aware of my every movement, posture, expression, etc. And of course still trying to make a decent piece of art like that.
Eventually I handed in my final for drawing class and my teacher had a disappointed look on her face when she saw it. She said it's not my best work and won't be going in the year end show. She's putting one of my other drawings in it, but I got the feeling she hardly wanted that one in it either. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but that kinda kicked me while I was down. I put a lot of hours into those drawings.
After school I went to the ceramics room to glaze a mug I made for my friend who I have gay little feelings for. It was supposed to be for his birthday which was over a week ago, but he didn't mind. It was actually looking really good for a while but I'm pretty sure I ruined it today. It was carved and shaped all nicely and stuff, but then there was a bunch of people in the ceramics room who are all so above me, and I felt like they were judging me even though had I not been in their way, the wouldn't have even noticed me. This one girl kinda talked to me like I was a 5 year old or something when she needed the glaze I was using. Awkward. It was all really dumb and insignificant but I already felt like an anxious ball of crap, so when you add even more anxiety to the mix, you get a pathetic, shakey-handed, clumsy, flustered and holding-back-tears Mandy. Thus, I made a billion sloppy mistakes with the glazing that I couldn't fully fix and my teacher wasn't there to help so it's probably going to turn out like a giant piece of shit after it gets fired. I won't know for sure until it does get fired because the glazing process is weird like that, but yeah. Great going. I just wanted to make a nice mug for a nice boy and hope he might be pleased and maybe even impressed or something but instead he'll probably just realize what a giant down syndrome failure I am.
So now I am home, in the comfort of my own bedroom, crying like the downs kid I am about the fact that I should probably just give up on art right now because I'm clearly not going anywhere with it. I'm supposed to go out for dinner with my family for Taylor's birthday literally right this minute but I'm kind of busy unleashing Niagara Falls from my eyes, so I don't know how that's going to go.

But fucking dammit, I really hate myself today.

Also I haven't gotten my mom a present for her birthday which is tomorrow, which, she said she doesn't even want one, but how the else do I even begin to thank her for everything she does? Now I'm a failed daughter as well. Awesome. At least my brother liked what his present and card. There's a positive. Yeah, okaybye.