Haven't blogged in a while. Mostly just because I've either been really busy, really tired, or really sad. I don't like blogging when I'm sad because then when I skim through previous posts months from now I'll see this constant wave of sadness throughout my blog and think about how much I suck for being sad all the time. I've had this blog since 2010 and I hate thinking I've remained miserable for 2+ years. But I know that's not true, I've certainly had a lot of good days and good posts. Alas, this is not one of the better posts. But I'll just recap my life as of lately.
I went to chicago from the 12th-17th and it was a nice city. I liked seeing the pretty, unique houses in the south side. I went on a lot of tours and for once, found history pretty interesting. I also rode a segway and it changed my life... not actually, but it was tons of fun and I wish I could buy one. Too bad they cost almost as much as a not-too-expensive car. The week before that I played a lot of pokemon stadium which was fantastic. I hope I still play pokemon twenty years from now. The end of my week was spent helping out with Jake's mom's stag and doe. It was at call the office on Friday and Saturday and there were some decent punk bands playing. Her fiance was the singer in two of them, and they were actually pretty successful in their day. That was a lot of fun and I guess his family loves me now. Awesome, brownie points for Mandy. Plus it's the closest thing to a show that I've been to in over a year now... I miss concerts big time, can't believe I haven't been to a single one this summer.
When I got back from Chicago I went to a surprise party for my brother's girlfriend. Spent most of the time with Jake and my brother's friend Christien, plus his girlfriend. Other than that, it was super awkward and I've decided I don't particularly like my brother's girlfriend. But I mean... oh well, as long as she makes him happy.
Now summer's coming to an end and I've hardly slept all week because I've been too busy sitting up being anxious all night. To say I'm dreading school is an understatement. I'm looking forward to making art, not looking forward to being surrounded by people while doing it. Not looking forward to critiques, attempting to explain what I created, then having blank faces silently question why I'm even there. Not looking forward to grade 12 english one bit, especially if it's as bad as grade 11 english was. Fortunately, Michelle's in my art class again and in my writer's craft, Korrin's in my sociology class and I have a spare second semester. So, it could be worse... the only thing I need to worry about is... the bus ride, first thing in the morning, possibly having to speak in my classes, the 5 minutes between ringing bells, art class, lunches, the bus ride home... yeah, more on bus rides:
I thought because I moved closer into the city I might not have to take a school bus and instead the school will provide me with bus tickets because I'm in the art program... nope. I have to take a school bus. Another fucking school bus. Does. Not. Want. I hate people. What if my bus is crowded? What if I have to sit beside someone? They're all going to stare when I get on the bus. Heaven forbid it should be like my old bus, where they all stare and either yell at me (which I don't hear because I have my headphones in) or say whoknowswhat about me. I just hate being seen. I hate existing in the presence of others'. I can't even handle it and it only gets worse every year.
Another shitty thing about school. Last year it wasn't quite as horrible because I didn't know anyone at Beal. I didn't care who I sat next to in my classes on the first day because they didn't know me and I didn't know them. They had no reason to dislike me or think I'm weird other than any opinion solely based on my appearance. Now I somewhat know (or know of) the people in my classes but I certainly can't call any of them friends. I know that majority of these people, I have no desire to become friends with. I don't even think this is making sense. At least I only have one class without a friend in it (lucky, much?) but it just so happens to be the class where I'm required to socialize the most. I'm terrified my teacher won't be as lenient as my last and let me do group projects by myself. At least with that teacher, a huge part of my excuse was that I was new and didn't know anyone. It's been a year. Can I still say I don't know anyone? It's still true. I don't know. Just, ugh. I wish I could be happy and excited about this being my last year, but thing is, it's probably not. I'll probably do an extra year of art, which means even once I graduate I still won't be free.
Oh, plus, having 5th period spare and having to take a school bus home means I get to wait around for all of last period to go home... if the school provided me with bus tickets, I'd get to go home at 1:20... WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE.
Fuck everything. I can't even think about school anymore, it's making me sick. I never want to leave this bedroom.
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