everything is just awesome

I'm having a good weekend but my mind won't let me enjoy it.
Yesterday I went to Emily's and made a sculpture. It was really awesome cause she's awesome and I love sculpting but then I went home and felt like death. I took a sleeping pill, shut the lights off and tried my best to zone out and sleep. I couldn't think straight for a single second, so I went numb until I could sleep. It was a good day though. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been sleeping a lot lately. I've been crying a lot lately. I hung out with my friend Jordan tonight. We wandered downtown then went to the mall where his one black friend joined us who was more awkward than I am. We adventured around, his friend left, then his girlfriend picked us up and drove me home. She was awesome, they're awesome, and it was a lovely night. But now I'm at home and I just feel so awful and alone that I'm debating going to sleep because it just hurts too much and my thoughts keep beating me up. I don't feel good and I don't know why. I'm feeling really bad, actually. Today was another great day. Tomorrow is going to be a great day because Jake's coming over. I can't feel good about anything anymore. If I do, it's so temporary that it doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like it matters because I don't feel like I matter. I'm kind of just really not feeling good lately, and every time things seem to feel okay for a bit, I'm proven wrong. I don't even feel alive anymore. I just do things, in some happy state that doesn't even feel like me, maybe it's not genuine, and then I stop doing things and feel bad and cry and sleep as much as possible and stuff. I'm just not real. I don't exist.