Apparently I haven't blogged since december 8th? Where have I even been, I don't know.

I've been up to my ears working on art stuff. I sort of finished one sculpture, nearly finished a candleholder for jake's mom, nearly finished my lithography drawing, finished an etching... over the break I have to make another sculpture, make another etching, read a book for english, write a script for english and see people and stop being sad and stuff. Christmas was really nice. I have a ton of fabulous books I look forward to reading next semester, as well as some lovely new clothes aand a new laptop. I'm spoiled and stuff. Jake got me an exceptionally glorious coat, as well as netflix. Netflix is making it really difficult to be productive though, but oh well. Wow thinking of school is overwhelming. Today I'm giving alexander and emily their presents, I hope they like them and stuff. jnfdknfvksnsj I wish I hadn't just made that list of everything I have to do, now I'm overwhelmed. I'll manage jfnskjnfsdk okay.

I've also been hanging out with my friend Jordan at school at lot which has been awesome. We also went to a really awesome vintage store and I helped him pick out gifts for his girlfriend and he helped me pick out gifts for Jake. Teeeaamwork. We also exchanged christmas presents, it was delightful. I'm so glad to have another friend in the art program. We critique each others' work, yay woo. I've also been working a fair bit. I worked saturday, sunday and monday. My next shift is sunday and it's my first 6 hour shift, oh my oh my! I don't love my job, but I've gotten okay at it. It is what it is. I need money. I'm also on new medication. I think it makes me feel more numb than anything. It also gives me headaches. I guess we'll see how that goes.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about trust, and how to react to and connect with people in general. I never blogged about this in detail because I hate thinking about it and it makes me feel embarassed and like a worthless piece of shit. But, Jake's been cheating on me for a while, kind of. I found out a month ago, gave him hell for it and didn't budge until he was crying begging for forgiveness. It was a shitty experience. I guess he's stopped though? I'm giving him another chance which most people will find incredibly stupid. Obviously things haven't been the same since. I don't think they ever will be.

This made me think about how betrayed my mom felt when I was lying and drinking. I love my mom, I'm dead serious about that. But I've still lied to her since. I feel bad every time, but I like what I get up to, and it's just easier not having her constantly disappointed in me. Just because Jake lied to me, doesn't mean he doesn't love me? I don't know, this is getting so gay, I hate talking about feelings. I'll never really trust him again, I think. And I don't think my mom should ever trust me to be fully honest with her. It's heart breaking, but it's honest. Love can exist without trust. I think I'm deciding to stop trusting people all together. It's human nature for everyone to put themselves first in most cases. Never again will I believe that any human being should feel differently about me. I will no longer be surprised when someone lies to me or hurts me. It happens. I am a highly insignificant person who is going to accept that this is the way life is. I will still love people, and believe that they love me to some degree, but that is completely irrelevant to trust. Lies are inevitable and trust is a fantasy concept.