poop

I feel so fucking low and I think this post will be ugly and sad, like me.
No, no negative self talk. I'm not ugly and sad at all, I'm a majestic happy sparkly fuckin' unicorn of joy.
I don't hate myself, I'm not typingtypingtyping as a distraction to keep my hands from cuttingcuttingcutting and a slew of other self destructive things not to be blogged about.
I might try to start using this blog again because maybe it'll make me less crazy.

I fucking hate myself for it, but I get so sad and sometimes downright manic after I spend time with people. Not all people though, I find it mostly just when I'm with Emily and Alexander and whoever else we hang out with. I've come to the conclusion that hanging out with them is kinda like being on drugs, and being alone afterwards is the comedown. I went to sunfest with them and connor today and then I came home and I could feel the bad feels sneaking up before I even stepped out of the car, so I talked to my mom briefly, mauled my cats a bit then had a shower, hoping it would clear my mind. It did the opposite though, shortly after dressing I found myself curled up on my bedroom floor crying about what a shit person I am, going over everysingle wrong thing I said and did today, and worrying more about the future and other crap.

I think I'm a little extra sad lately because I'm between medications which means I'm actually just a normal person not on anything for short while (madness!) and yeah, shit gets bad when I have to pretend to be a normal person. That's how I ended up at the funny farm, I think. Maybe. I've been really worrying a lot lately about how the hell I'm supposed to continue living with ~*~illness~*~. I'm going to be taking pills for the rest of my life cause otherwise... Wow it's so shitty having to rely on medication. I'd much rather just drink a magic potion, click my heels then do a somersault into a cloud of content. I've been calling myself a piece of shit for so long, I think it subconsciously now. I don't even realize. I don't know. Some days are so bad. Every day it actually takes a great mental effort to remind myself not to bully myself. Many'a day I can't eat breakfast without cutting, can't eat lunch unless I'm high and can't eat dinner without puking. I suck. I can't even control the things that give me control. I mean, I can some days, and I don't even eat three meals a day so I'm not as destructive as I could be, that's good right? I remember one of the teachers at the hospital talking to one of the other patients and she said something about how "everyone has their own personal struggle", like everyone is plagued with some shitty obstacle that they'll spend the rest of their life trying to overpower, escape, beat, whatever it is... there's something so fucking permanent about that. I hatehatehate thinking that I'll still be feeling like this when I'm 40, if I even see 40. I don't want to deal with this every fucking day. It can't seriously be true that everyone has a permanent peril problem. I can't believe every human being is strong enough for these awful lingering forces throughout earth. I guess they obviously are though and I should be inspired by that and remember this is survival of the fittest and if I'm not fit enough to deal with my own stupid mind then maybe I'm not cut out for this planet. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, steer away, don't bully yourself Mandy. Be cold, indestructible, made of steel.

I've been worrying a lot about being alone vs... not. I keep thinking about how at the end of the day, at the end of our lives, we only have ourselves. So I need to be strong and actually be kind to myself, because in the grand scheme of things, I'm all I have. But then there's all this talk about how humans aren't meant to go through life alone, how we can rely on good people in our lives and take help when we need it, etc. Well I can't find the balance and it's freaking me out. I like being self reliant, but I swear I get worse at it every year. I hate how pathetic and powerless I feel. It's my lonely poisons that make me feel in control, yet they drag me down in the end, too.... I hate myself. I'm going to read.

I really hope I can throw myself into a better mindset this upcoming week. I want to clean my room and put up a white board and some artwork and stuff. I want my bedroom to feel and look a bit more like my room in the hospital. I think it would be a good idea.