Day Lostcount.
There was no one who ever broke my heart. Uhh. Metaphorically, everything last year and the year before pulled my heart apart a bit, but I'm okay.
WE'RE OKAAAAAAAAAY
Tell them will do, but a settlement won't do. Sexual harrassment and civil rights too. Steve, you're great. No, you cut the paper plate! Did you cheat on Mark a lot!? Would you say: we're okay?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
day19>concerts>religion>adoration>goals
Day 19- someone who pesters your mind a lot, good or bad
Woooooooo, um... I pester myself a lot, bad. You have noo idea just how often I chant in my head "IMPROVE, goddammit, IMPROVE." It's not all bad though. Kind of motivational when I feel like it. OH, and now I look like a creep who talks to herself. Cool :3 Also, I know I didn't write a letter about this. It doesn't seem necessary.
Nehh, let's go work on that improvement thing.
WAIT NO.
First, I went to a concert tonight. It was pretty flippin religious, I must say. Aaron Gilespie was going on about how Jesus loves us, and even if we think that's crazy, he stills loves us, quotes from Matthew, blahblahblah. I was just kind of sitting there, not really sure what to do with myself. Like, obviously the earth was created somehow. I see the scientific part of that, the big bang theory. But I question how the means of that got there to begin with. There can't seriously be a Jesus, or God, or fuckingwhatever. It's impossible. No one can have that much love. No one can keep so many tabs. It's fucking impossible.
Uggggh, that reminds me of something I read in Stones, when Raphaella was talking about the greater knowledge in the world- the one science can't explain. I guess a greater being would fall into that category. What am I supposed to do with this? I certainly don't believe the bible stories. I've always looked at those like nursery rhymes, or my favourite Disney stories. They've never seemed real to me. I guess if I believed in Jesus, I'd believe the stories too. I guess I can see how it would all play together.
However, religion seems a bit ignorant to me, with how the high bar is. Come now, "God", you can't tell us that being gay is wrong. Surely when you were "creating" us all, you recognized that just because we are yours, doesn't mean we don't have totally different personalities; like how our parents shit bricks when we don't want to follow in their footsteps. Oh, speaking of... erm, not being straight... I think I might be a litttle tiny bit bi. Is that even possible? To be a little bit bi? Eh, whatever, sure it is. I don't feel like pondering that thought.
Right, so, religion. I like Christofer Drew's view on religion. He believes in God or whatever, but doesn't practice anything. That's good. That's loving and accepting, and not absorbed. I wish I could be like that. FUCK, I WANT TO BE CHRISTOFER DREW. SO BADLY. He's the most loving, happy, nfsdkjnfkjrd person in the whole world. I'll rant about my admiration of him some other day. Fuck that, it's already 2:30, I'm writing about it now.
So, I saw him perform at Warped Tour, and he took my breath away. Is it fair to say he completed my life? He is MY Jesus, I swear. Jesus is supposed to love us all, and feel all our pain with us, and be by our side, and love us no matter how badly we fuck up. Christofer Drew is like that, I swear! I know I'm fourteen, and I am typically viewed as a starstruck teenybopper, but I'll just go with it anyway. The love he spread when he played... it was radiant. You could feel it, strong, powerful, protecting, everywhere. Unless maybe you're a heartless wench. Then, you might not have felt it. But it was the most overpowering love I've ever felt, spread throughout such a big place. It was how I imagine faith and love in religion would feel, or is supposed to feel. Sure, you feel love when you're surrounded by friends, no doubt about it, and when you're with family, maybe celebrating your birthday. But, you know what I'm talking about- one of those moments with important people, that make you feel IMPORTANT. But when Christofer Drew performed, it was that strong, but it was spread throughout hundreds of people. Maybe I'm just too emotional, or maybe I'm on to something. I really don't know. But honestly, he's a beautiful walking accomplishment. A sort of hero, if you will.
Where did I go in my religion rant? Right, so, Aaron's preaching, and I don't know how to feel. I want to believe, but I can't believe in all of it. I might just be too young to understand that love right now, but... ugh. I'll figure it out. I just need more life.
Speaking of life, I feel like I'm going nowhere. It's August, and I haven't done much differently. Hmm :/
I'll set some goals-
1) Unawkwardify to the best of my ability.
2) Get less ugly.
3) Undrift with Sam, to a reasonable extent.
4) Hang out with all of my closest friends, at least once. Without Emily. Emily, if you're reading this, don't take any offense. ILUHHYOUGURL.
5) Practice guitar more, to an extent where playing in front of people feels alright.
6) Keep reading.
7) Go places alone more often. Needs more perspective, time to myself, and thoughtfulness.
KAY. MUST DO THIS. I'm set on it. I'll write some form of a reminder on my arm/hand at some point, to stay true to this.
Knowing me, I probably won't get number 5 done. I'll need severe reminders with that. :/
Also, I'm off now. I needed this. Bye.
Woooooooo, um... I pester myself a lot, bad. You have noo idea just how often I chant in my head "IMPROVE, goddammit, IMPROVE." It's not all bad though. Kind of motivational when I feel like it. OH, and now I look like a creep who talks to herself. Cool :3 Also, I know I didn't write a letter about this. It doesn't seem necessary.
Nehh, let's go work on that improvement thing.
WAIT NO.
First, I went to a concert tonight. It was pretty flippin religious, I must say. Aaron Gilespie was going on about how Jesus loves us, and even if we think that's crazy, he stills loves us, quotes from Matthew, blahblahblah. I was just kind of sitting there, not really sure what to do with myself. Like, obviously the earth was created somehow. I see the scientific part of that, the big bang theory. But I question how the means of that got there to begin with. There can't seriously be a Jesus, or God, or fuckingwhatever. It's impossible. No one can have that much love. No one can keep so many tabs. It's fucking impossible.
Uggggh, that reminds me of something I read in Stones, when Raphaella was talking about the greater knowledge in the world- the one science can't explain. I guess a greater being would fall into that category. What am I supposed to do with this? I certainly don't believe the bible stories. I've always looked at those like nursery rhymes, or my favourite Disney stories. They've never seemed real to me. I guess if I believed in Jesus, I'd believe the stories too. I guess I can see how it would all play together.
However, religion seems a bit ignorant to me, with how the high bar is. Come now, "God", you can't tell us that being gay is wrong. Surely when you were "creating" us all, you recognized that just because we are yours, doesn't mean we don't have totally different personalities; like how our parents shit bricks when we don't want to follow in their footsteps. Oh, speaking of... erm, not being straight... I think I might be a litttle tiny bit bi. Is that even possible? To be a little bit bi? Eh, whatever, sure it is. I don't feel like pondering that thought.
Right, so, religion. I like Christofer Drew's view on religion. He believes in God or whatever, but doesn't practice anything. That's good. That's loving and accepting, and not absorbed. I wish I could be like that. FUCK, I WANT TO BE CHRISTOFER DREW. SO BADLY. He's the most loving, happy, nfsdkjnfkjrd person in the whole world. I'll rant about my admiration of him some other day. Fuck that, it's already 2:30, I'm writing about it now.
So, I saw him perform at Warped Tour, and he took my breath away. Is it fair to say he completed my life? He is MY Jesus, I swear. Jesus is supposed to love us all, and feel all our pain with us, and be by our side, and love us no matter how badly we fuck up. Christofer Drew is like that, I swear! I know I'm fourteen, and I am typically viewed as a starstruck teenybopper, but I'll just go with it anyway. The love he spread when he played... it was radiant. You could feel it, strong, powerful, protecting, everywhere. Unless maybe you're a heartless wench. Then, you might not have felt it. But it was the most overpowering love I've ever felt, spread throughout such a big place. It was how I imagine faith and love in religion would feel, or is supposed to feel. Sure, you feel love when you're surrounded by friends, no doubt about it, and when you're with family, maybe celebrating your birthday. But, you know what I'm talking about- one of those moments with important people, that make you feel IMPORTANT. But when Christofer Drew performed, it was that strong, but it was spread throughout hundreds of people. Maybe I'm just too emotional, or maybe I'm on to something. I really don't know. But honestly, he's a beautiful walking accomplishment. A sort of hero, if you will.
Where did I go in my religion rant? Right, so, Aaron's preaching, and I don't know how to feel. I want to believe, but I can't believe in all of it. I might just be too young to understand that love right now, but... ugh. I'll figure it out. I just need more life.
Speaking of life, I feel like I'm going nowhere. It's August, and I haven't done much differently. Hmm :/
I'll set some goals-
1) Unawkwardify to the best of my ability.
2) Get less ugly.
3) Undrift with Sam, to a reasonable extent.
4) Hang out with all of my closest friends, at least once. Without Emily. Emily, if you're reading this, don't take any offense. ILUHHYOUGURL.
5) Practice guitar more, to an extent where playing in front of people feels alright.
6) Keep reading.
7) Go places alone more often. Needs more perspective, time to myself, and thoughtfulness.
KAY. MUST DO THIS. I'm set on it. I'll write some form of a reminder on my arm/hand at some point, to stay true to this.
Knowing me, I probably won't get number 5 done. I'll need severe reminders with that. :/
Also, I'm off now. I needed this. Bye.
Monday, July 26, 2010
fuckyeah, leet speak.
I just changed my fabo language to that. Pretty cool shit, I must say. Also, here's day 18. It'll be a lengthy one.
Dear Mandy,
You're gross. I wish a lot of things were different about you. I wish you weren't so awkward. Is it really that difficult to sit a fucking table with some friends and eat? It's human. Don't be such an awkward loser. Nobody notices half the things you do about yourself. By avoiding things you think are awkward, YOUMAKEITAWKWARD. St00p!d f000l. QUIT MAKING EVERYTHING A BIG DEAL. Just stop it. Right now. Also, quit eating. If you're not going to eat around your friends, you shouldn't be eating around yourself. Do you ever even look in the mirror? You're disgusting. One day your skin will be stretched so much, it'll rip, and all the fat will just gush out and you'll die. Happy? Oh, and quit complaining about not having friends. That's your fault. Would it kill you to talk? Make conversation? Probably. BUT GET OVER IT. I wish we could fix all of your ugly features. I wish you were better at sleeping. Idiot, you should be sleeping right now, but no, you'll probably only sleep for an hour.
But finally, I wish you didn't care so much. The truth is, you're probably too hard on yourself. Flaws probably add character. Hmm.
Kbyeletter.
I don't want to blog right now.
Dear Mandy,
You're gross. I wish a lot of things were different about you. I wish you weren't so awkward. Is it really that difficult to sit a fucking table with some friends and eat? It's human. Don't be such an awkward loser. Nobody notices half the things you do about yourself. By avoiding things you think are awkward, YOUMAKEITAWKWARD. St00p!d f000l. QUIT MAKING EVERYTHING A BIG DEAL. Just stop it. Right now. Also, quit eating. If you're not going to eat around your friends, you shouldn't be eating around yourself. Do you ever even look in the mirror? You're disgusting. One day your skin will be stretched so much, it'll rip, and all the fat will just gush out and you'll die. Happy? Oh, and quit complaining about not having friends. That's your fault. Would it kill you to talk? Make conversation? Probably. BUT GET OVER IT. I wish we could fix all of your ugly features. I wish you were better at sleeping. Idiot, you should be sleeping right now, but no, you'll probably only sleep for an hour.
But finally, I wish you didn't care so much. The truth is, you're probably too hard on yourself. Flaws probably add character. Hmm.
Kbyeletter.
I don't want to blog right now.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Day 17, someone from my childhood
I don't want to write to someone from my childhood :/ Ehh, I'll write to someone from last year. That's basically part of my childhood.
Dear Anonymous Person,
I wish we were still friends.
From, Mandy.
Wow, my letters are so lengthy now. It's awesome. Sheesh, I need a more interesting character to write to.
Anyway, today I cleaned my room a bit. Well, more than I've ever cleaned it since I moved here, really. I feel accomplished, though I still have a lot more to do. But I'll get to it.
I also completely lack iniative to blog right now. Bye.
I don't want to write to someone from my childhood :/ Ehh, I'll write to someone from last year. That's basically part of my childhood.
Dear Anonymous Person,
I wish we were still friends.
From, Mandy.
Wow, my letters are so lengthy now. It's awesome. Sheesh, I need a more interesting character to write to.
Anyway, today I cleaned my room a bit. Well, more than I've ever cleaned it since I moved here, really. I feel accomplished, though I still have a lot more to do. But I'll get to it.
I also completely lack iniative to blog right now. Bye.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
I can't sleep for the life of me. Nomnomgravol.
Day 16
Someone not in my province
Umm... Dear Christofer Drew,
I'm a real big fan of yours. Yes sir. Your music makes my heart do a little jig. You have this incredible mood-altering magic to you. I like it, very much. I died when you commented on my myspace. Keep the music coming. :3
ndfjkcnsdjfknfjkws
Can't sleeeeeeeep.
Today I went to the mall with two friends. I spent all my money on tapers. Weee, going from 18ga to 12ga. It's kind of addicting, I want to stretch them more. However, I don't think I'll stretch them more than 8ga. I don't want to get gross about it. :3 And I re-pierced the second hole. Not stretching those though, that'd be dumb. However, I must seek out some studs. I dig piercings. Maybe I'll get conch and helix done. Maybe. I guess that means I should start showing my ears, haha. Seriously, it's all I can think about right now. Laaaaame, I know.
Derrr, I'm in a good mood. I like it when I'm in a good mood. Life is good, isn't it? I might be finally hanging out with Rachel today. I miss her, holy geez. She's going to Calgary soon, I'll be sad ): Hopefully we'll hang out when she's back. Also, I just decided I'm not going to stretch my ears anymore. Unless I feel reeeaaally impulsive one day. NO. I'm going to save my impulsiveness for getting other things pierced. Yeah :3 Anyway. I need to make money. Humdiddlydum, I like music. And hair dye. But I just bleached mine, I can't do much to it for now. Hmmm. I love Sierra Kusterbeck. Oh my god guys, I guess that makes me a lesbian. Yeah, anyway. Did I mention I'm going to NYC in August? I'm going to NYC in August. I'm excited.
ndfjkdnfkjsndkjsf
I feel really hopeful right now, I don't know why. It's weird. I need sleep. I don't know what to blog about. I'm starting to feel sleepy, but I won't actually be able to fall asleep :/ I hate not being able to fall asleep. I'm sick of blogging, bye.
Day 16
Someone not in my province
Umm... Dear Christofer Drew,
I'm a real big fan of yours. Yes sir. Your music makes my heart do a little jig. You have this incredible mood-altering magic to you. I like it, very much. I died when you commented on my myspace. Keep the music coming. :3
ndfjkcnsdjfknfjkws
Can't sleeeeeeeep.
Today I went to the mall with two friends. I spent all my money on tapers. Weee, going from 18ga to 12ga. It's kind of addicting, I want to stretch them more. However, I don't think I'll stretch them more than 8ga. I don't want to get gross about it. :3 And I re-pierced the second hole. Not stretching those though, that'd be dumb. However, I must seek out some studs. I dig piercings. Maybe I'll get conch and helix done. Maybe. I guess that means I should start showing my ears, haha. Seriously, it's all I can think about right now. Laaaaame, I know.
Derrr, I'm in a good mood. I like it when I'm in a good mood. Life is good, isn't it? I might be finally hanging out with Rachel today. I miss her, holy geez. She's going to Calgary soon, I'll be sad ): Hopefully we'll hang out when she's back. Also, I just decided I'm not going to stretch my ears anymore. Unless I feel reeeaaally impulsive one day. NO. I'm going to save my impulsiveness for getting other things pierced. Yeah :3 Anyway. I need to make money. Humdiddlydum, I like music. And hair dye. But I just bleached mine, I can't do much to it for now. Hmmm. I love Sierra Kusterbeck. Oh my god guys, I guess that makes me a lesbian. Yeah, anyway. Did I mention I'm going to NYC in August? I'm going to NYC in August. I'm excited.
ndfjkdnfkjsndkjsf
I feel really hopeful right now, I don't know why. It's weird. I need sleep. I don't know what to blog about. I'm starting to feel sleepy, but I won't actually be able to fall asleep :/ I hate not being able to fall asleep. I'm sick of blogging, bye.
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