Day 19- someone who pesters your mind a lot, good or bad
Woooooooo, um... I pester myself a lot, bad. You have noo idea just how often I chant in my head "IMPROVE, goddammit, IMPROVE." It's not all bad though. Kind of motivational when I feel like it. OH, and now I look like a creep who talks to herself. Cool :3 Also, I know I didn't write a letter about this. It doesn't seem necessary.
Nehh, let's go work on that improvement thing.
WAIT NO.
First, I went to a concert tonight. It was pretty flippin religious, I must say. Aaron Gilespie was going on about how Jesus loves us, and even if we think that's crazy, he stills loves us, quotes from Matthew, blahblahblah. I was just kind of sitting there, not really sure what to do with myself. Like, obviously the earth was created somehow. I see the scientific part of that, the big bang theory. But I question how the means of that got there to begin with. There can't seriously be a Jesus, or God, or fuckingwhatever. It's impossible. No one can have that much love. No one can keep so many tabs. It's fucking impossible.
Uggggh, that reminds me of something I read in Stones, when Raphaella was talking about the greater knowledge in the world- the one science can't explain. I guess a greater being would fall into that category. What am I supposed to do with this? I certainly don't believe the bible stories. I've always looked at those like nursery rhymes, or my favourite Disney stories. They've never seemed real to me. I guess if I believed in Jesus, I'd believe the stories too. I guess I can see how it would all play together.
However, religion seems a bit ignorant to me, with how the high bar is. Come now, "God", you can't tell us that being gay is wrong. Surely when you were "creating" us all, you recognized that just because we are yours, doesn't mean we don't have totally different personalities; like how our parents shit bricks when we don't want to follow in their footsteps. Oh, speaking of... erm, not being straight... I think I might be a litttle tiny bit bi. Is that even possible? To be a little bit bi? Eh, whatever, sure it is. I don't feel like pondering that thought.
Right, so, religion. I like Christofer Drew's view on religion. He believes in God or whatever, but doesn't practice anything. That's good. That's loving and accepting, and not absorbed. I wish I could be like that. FUCK, I WANT TO BE CHRISTOFER DREW. SO BADLY. He's the most loving, happy, nfsdkjnfkjrd person in the whole world. I'll rant about my admiration of him some other day. Fuck that, it's already 2:30, I'm writing about it now.
So, I saw him perform at Warped Tour, and he took my breath away. Is it fair to say he completed my life? He is MY Jesus, I swear. Jesus is supposed to love us all, and feel all our pain with us, and be by our side, and love us no matter how badly we fuck up. Christofer Drew is like that, I swear! I know I'm fourteen, and I am typically viewed as a starstruck teenybopper, but I'll just go with it anyway. The love he spread when he played... it was radiant. You could feel it, strong, powerful, protecting, everywhere. Unless maybe you're a heartless wench. Then, you might not have felt it. But it was the most overpowering love I've ever felt, spread throughout such a big place. It was how I imagine faith and love in religion would feel, or is supposed to feel. Sure, you feel love when you're surrounded by friends, no doubt about it, and when you're with family, maybe celebrating your birthday. But, you know what I'm talking about- one of those moments with important people, that make you feel IMPORTANT. But when Christofer Drew performed, it was that strong, but it was spread throughout hundreds of people. Maybe I'm just too emotional, or maybe I'm on to something. I really don't know. But honestly, he's a beautiful walking accomplishment. A sort of hero, if you will.
Where did I go in my religion rant? Right, so, Aaron's preaching, and I don't know how to feel. I want to believe, but I can't believe in all of it. I might just be too young to understand that love right now, but... ugh. I'll figure it out. I just need more life.
Speaking of life, I feel like I'm going nowhere. It's August, and I haven't done much differently. Hmm :/
I'll set some goals-
1) Unawkwardify to the best of my ability.
2) Get less ugly.
3) Undrift with Sam, to a reasonable extent.
4) Hang out with all of my closest friends, at least once. Without Emily. Emily, if you're reading this, don't take any offense. ILUHHYOUGURL.
5) Practice guitar more, to an extent where playing in front of people feels alright.
6) Keep reading.
7) Go places alone more often. Needs more perspective, time to myself, and thoughtfulness.
KAY. MUST DO THIS. I'm set on it. I'll write some form of a reminder on my arm/hand at some point, to stay true to this.
Knowing me, I probably won't get number 5 done. I'll need severe reminders with that. :/
Also, I'm off now. I needed this. Bye.
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