Day 6: Five People Who Mean A Lot
1) Alexander
2) Emily
HAY GUISE.

3) Mommydearest
4) Jared
5) Umm... awkward.

In regards to number 5, I'm not saying other people don't mean a lot to me. I just... there's no one else as significant as those 4. No one else should really be put into a category with those 4 people, as, well... they're different. Important to me, yes, but, different.

Woooooooawkwardness.

/dysfunctional

I've already talked about this to my friend, but I need to post about it here too.
So this morning, it was around 6:30/7 and I was getting ready for my friend to come over at 7:30. Yes, am. Yes, we're freaks. But that's beside the point.
My mom came downstairs and woke up my brother, asking for a really important book back. Apparently, she gave it to him at the airport and he lost it there.
He then denied ever having the book.
My mom denied that. They both made claims. I stood in the washroom, trying to not listen, and put on my eyeliner, like the good little sc3n3 g1rl I am.
But they kept getting louder. Quickly.
And then they were screaming at each other.
Mama was convinced he lost it, and he continued to deny it.
So she went upstairs, and then he really lost his temper.
And... it was awful.
He yelled really mean things.
His voice could've knocked down walls, I swear.
I don't know why I'm spacing this entry out so much, I'll stop.
I can't even remember the last time I heard rage quite like that. So Mama came down and took away his keyboard, and was telling him how disrespectful he was. At this point, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, eyeliner in hand still, not crying, but certainly wishing for a dark hole. He was sooo mad at her, I was terrified. Especially after having decided that anger is my greatest fear, a few days ago.
I guess they sorted it out eventually, but... still. Ugh. Now I wonder why anger upsets me so much. It seems like everyone handles it just fine, and then there's me...
I think, my father was an angry character. I'm pretty sure mama's told me that before. I sound so olden day when I say mama. Anyway, yeah. I think he kicked holes in walls. I think he did a lot of things. I wonder if that's where Taylor gets his occasional temper from. I hope I didn't inherit it. I avoid anger at all costs.
It's weird, knowing that there's a good chance that the person who created you could've been a "bad person". It makes me feel like I have another personality inside of me who is a horrid person and wants so badly to not give two shits, and let go of everything, because I don't actually need it. Crappy, isn't it?

But majority of me just wants to believe the stories aren't true, or at least, are really biased. I want to love this stranger, and have endless amounts of respect for him.

I always want a father.

Woooooooo, that little post took a turn.

On the topic of parents, what I've also come to realize is that telling your parent something is one of the most difficult things there is for a lot of kids/teens.
There's something on my mind, and I really feel like I should talk to my mother about it before it gets out hand, but I'm just so damn scared. What's she going to do? Judge me? Be disappointed? HATEME?

But that's ridiculous. She doesn't hate me for the million things I've broken, for getting crappy grades occasionally, for failing to fold laundry on time, for doing bad things, or for just being an all around not-so-ideal daughter.

Why should this be any different? She should be proud of me, for taking responsibility. It's not like I haven't done worse.

Parents love us, don't they? They have that unconditional love thing.

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The End.

Also, I can't believe I posted all that. I might delete it later. I don't know. I feel so uncomfortable opening up. I think I'm going to sew my lips shut. Bye.

Day 5: Six Things You Wish You Had Never Done
1) Take out my third earrings. Repiercing sucks.
2) Listen to a word of your nonsense.
3) Drift.
4) Stop drawing.
5) Fuck up my sleeping pattern during last school year.
6) Trust people.

In other news,
I'm a paranoid freak and I'm losing my mind.
Probably because I t0t3s have schizophrenia, and I can teleport and shape shift.

Day Four: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
1) Memories
2) How awkward I am
3) Everything I wish to accomplish
4) This one time, when Taylor called Jared, Jared Badman, and then he yelled down the hall in one of his voices "GOT MEE".
5) Honesty, and stuff.
6) Flaws
7) Friends, and people :)

So, I made a tumblr. But I won't forget about you, blogger.

Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrg.
GUESS WHAT, I WANT TO SCREAM STUFF.
I need a mountain.
Get me one for my birthday, it's on Friday.

Romeo's sitting to my left, he's so cute.

Day 3, shut up, it's a new day.
1) Talk to me.
2) Talk to me.
3) Talk to me.
4) Talk to me.
5) Talk to me.
6) Talk to me.
7) Talk to me.
8) Don't be a fucking baddie, i.e. ignorant, close-minded, just plain cruel, etc.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee, I need sleep

The stuff I posted last night doesn't even make sense to me now.
I do that a lot. Hmm.

10 Day Challenge
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself
1) I love my cat, a lot. He's sitting beside me to my left right now. And I know of someone who tattoo'd (cantspell) their cat's name to themself. I really respect that. Cat lovers, unite!
2) It seems like there is always something wrong with my big toe on my left foot. But really, only lately.
3) My favourite smell in the world is cold air, combined with clean laundry. Why isn't there a "cold air" candle? I'd be all over that.
4) I love change, so much.
5) I haven't fallen asleep before 11pm in at least 2 years, probably more like 3. No, I don't have insomnia.
6) I'm straight, but I'm frequently attracted to girls. More often than I am to boys. Shh.
7) I don't do what I want to do often enough.
8) I've probably spent at least 20% of my life having imaginary conversations. Not with an imaginary friend or anything, but as if my real friend is with me. I tell them my deepest darkest secrets, and what's really on my mind, and then I pretend to be them and answer myself. We have really good conversations. Good conversations are my favourite thing ever, but they're more often unreal than not.
9) I hate staying home at night. It just doesn't seem right. But I can also appreciate it. (:

That said, bye now. I'm sorry I'm boring.

Oh, I'm back.
I have so much on my mind. I was gonna blog about the thoughts I was having during the flight home, and about everything I did in NYC, but now... I don't feel like it. Not tonight. Also, my phone keeps vibrating but it's not near me and I don't want to move and I really hope it's not Alexander texting me, because I feel like talking to him, and I'd feel bad if it was his texts I'm ignoring. Lazy, I know.

I have so much on my mind right now.
Going to NYC was so needed. Just to get the fuck out of London, even if for only a few days. I needed a break. I need a longer one, actually. FuckyouLondon. But whatever. However, I don't like my brother. He talks too much, and he makes fun of me, and he complains a lot, and he yells, and he gets annoyed, and oh my god I hate it when he yells, and it upsets me. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time with him. And I'm glad to be alone, sitting in a corner, with my laptop, and alone.
There's so much going on right now, I can't function. I want to puke. But no.
Umm. I have so many thoughts, fuck.

UGH. I WANT TO SHUT DOWN THE SYSTEM.

I'll do this instead:
10 Day Challenge.
Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1) I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE.

2) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry every day.

3) I think you'll always be one of my favourite people, ever. Even in 30 years, when we're probably not in contact anymore.

4) I always want to talk to you.

5) You really fucked things over. Everything we have tends to suck a lot now. Good job. And the best part is, you don't even realize it. GOOD JOB.

6) You sicken me. You're one of the lowest lows. Your entire life is a fucking lie, what kind of human are you?

7) I aaam running OUT of words to saay to you.

8) Helpyhelpyhelpyhelpy. Pl0x.

9) )':

10) Sometimes, when I feel down, I picture just meeting you. It makes me smile.

Also, you know what I realized?
My biggest fear in the world: Anger.

Wooooooo.