Jeremiah

When I was 4 or 5 or something I had a special backpack. It was pretty much a regular looking panda bear, except it had a zipper so he was stuffed with belongings. I named him Jeremiah, just ‘cause it sounded nice. That wasn’t until years later though because I stopped using Jeremiah to carry my ballet slippers by the time I turned 7. I left him in a box then randomly found him again when I was 14. I started wearing him again whenever I went out. I guess it might’ve looked silly but I didn’t mind. I had slim pickings anyway so to hell with whatever other people might’ve thought. I had a friend called Jared Chapman who thought Jeremiah was pretty cute though. I guess he also thought it was cool or something that I was weird enough to carry around a panda bear as a backpack, because it turned out he liked me a fair bit. As childish as it sounds, we’d sometimes pretend Jeremiah was more than a stuffed animal with straps and a zipper. That goof Jared brought life to the little guy. He’d take his paws and make Jeremiah do cute things like wave at me, or give me a big hug. It was the joke that Jeremiah was too shy to actually talk, but sometimes he’d whisper his thoughts into our ears or communicate through gestures. I guess that sounds like something a 5 year old would do, but we didn’t care. We were just being silly. We weren’t always silly, though. In fact we dated for almost a whole goddamn year. But once we broke up Jeremiah found his way back on to a shelf in my closet. I get real sad looking at him up there, all still and lifeless. Ever since old Chapman stopped coming ‘round, I didn’t personify Jeremiah anymore. He’s just a sad looking panda bear now. If Jared and I still talked, we’d probably say Jeremiah was too depressed to do much nowadays. That’s another thing we did; whenever I didn’t bring Jeremiah out with us I’d say it’s because he had to work at the office that day or needed sleep because he was out late last night. This one time I was at a friend’s house with that goon and we were all sitting around listening to music and an Akon song came on shuffle. Jared swiped Jeremiah up off the bed and moved his paws and stuff to make it look like he was club dancing. We all sat around laughing, because damn that panda bear had moves. He wasn’t always a joking around type of bear, though. I always had trouble opening up about things, even to Jared, so sometimes Jeremiah would say stuff for me. We’d be having a serious conversation and I’d be afraid so I’d make Jeremiah answer questions for me by shaking or nodding his head. Hiding was just easier, I guess. Maybe that was our problem. I never told Jared much. He probably felt god awful about it, thinking maybe I didn’t trust him or something else. But it wasn’t actually his fault or anything. I eventually started to open up, this one night a few months ago. It was when he was in the midst of breaking up with me, actually. I guess I had waited too goddamn long to finally start telling him stuff because he certainly wasn’t interested in it by then. He dumped me in a goddamn Tim Hortons, which was uncomfortable because I saw about 6 people I knew in there and had to keep my face hidden and all. I was really upset about the whole thing so I just sat there and cried for a while. Crying in public isn’t something I would ever do in any other circumstance but I was just so goddamn sad. He told me all this damn garbage that I learned wasn‘t true in the least. It’s kind of funny how you think someone cares for you and then they go lie to your goddamn face like that. For the next month or so I was pretty messed up. I didn‘t sleep much anymore. I just cried in my goddamn bed whenever I was home. Eventually I started going out a lot, staying out late till the wee hours of morning, hanging around at peoples’ houses, going to concerts and whatever else. I used to be so goddamn obedient to my “curfew“. But at the time being home just sucked too much. I was lonely and the thoughts were so goddamn overwhelming. I had to keep busy before I ended up like Jeremiah; all hidden away and sad. No point in wasting time like that. I’ve more or less gotten over the whole thing now so who even cares what methods I used to get there, right?