Today has been pretty different from my usual days, and I am very pleased about this.
My morning started with photography critique, then I spent the rest of it and lunch printing photos. I printed two decent ones! But there's still room for improvement... photography is difficult shit, man.
After that I went to my challenge and change class... we were in the lab picking our isp research essay topics. Basically it could be about anything that makes an impact in society... addictions, disorders, world issues, etcetcetc. I went with social anxiety because I'm already clearly quite familiar with it. I told my teacher my topic but didn't tell her why I chose it (it's my entire life). She walked away and then Korrin and I started talking about my social anxiety, and that she thinks I should talk to my mom about it and start seeing a doctor. My teacher overheard that though and sat down with us... hmm.
Korrin explained what she had just said to our teacher and my teacher asked me if I was sure I had it. Jokingly, I pulled up a website (we were in the lab) that listed characteristics of SAD, all of which I had. I really didn't want to have a serious talk about it with my teacher, I kinda prefer to just suffer silently and deal with it in my own way (isolation). But my teacher got serious and asked more about it. I then explained (with help from Korrin, because hi I can't talk) about the whole group work thing in my english class and she was shocked that I couldn't handle that. We kept talking for a good 10-15 minutes about it. She told me her mother had social anxiety disorder (SAD) and never received treatment and she felt sorry for her mom, because she thinks she would've led a much happier life. Then she told me that she had to get grief counseling, and Korrin talked about her experience with that, and they both told me I really do need help with my SAD. My teacher said I should think about it and consider my options (seeing a guidance counselor, seeing a social worker, seeing my family doctor?) and then let her know what I decide to do by the end of the week... and then she said if I haven't done anything about it then she's likely going to do something about it for me.. I mean, no pressure and all...
She really is a lovely teacher though. She's pretty old but very reasonable, smart and really cares about social issues, so of course she was a fantastic listener. It felt kind of nice telling her all that, knowing that someone other than whoever reads this blog could have the slightest idea of how much my anxiety really rips me to shreds. I don't know if I really want counseling though... I think it makes me feel selfish. I know my anxiety holds me back a fair bit in life, and I feel miserable more often than not because of it... but I just don't think I should waste a professional's time like that. There's more messed up people in the world than me. I feel like I'll go try and talk to someone and either won't be able to say everything in my mind, or I won't explain how bad it really is, or maybe it's really just not that bad and I'm weak and should just suck it up, then they'll think I'm wasting their time... I think the fact that I'm thinking a social worker would send me away because I'm "not messed up enough" further emphasizes the fact that my social anxiety is pretty bad...
Then I think about the number of times I've cried at school over my stupid anxiety, had suicidal thoughts over it, hurt myself over it, etc and the gravity of the situation suddenly seems much more intense. I don't know though... I blame myself for my anxiety. It's my problem I'm no good in social settings, why should I make it someone else's problem, as well? A long time ago my mom took me to the family doctor to talk about my self harm, back when it was much more out of hand. It was horrible though. I lied to my mom and the doctor and said I was done with it, made it sound like the only reason I did it in the first place was because I was being bullied at the time. I lied about the gravity of the situation, and about the fact that the thought of suicide had crossed my mind many, many times. So they both dropped it and we moved on... I sometimes wonder how much better off I'd be now if I had gotten help back then, rather than ignoring it and letting everything build up like it has now. But anyway, I'm just scared that will happen again. I'll go talk to a counselor and diminish everything to make them think I really am wasting their time. My teacher suggested I write it all down in a letter, because that's easier than talking. She makes a valid point. I'm just not sure how I feel yet. I'll think about it more throughout the week.
Anyway, back to my interesting day... I went to english and watched the group presentations. That class kind of sucked because I sat there wondering who might've noticed that I was the only person in the class not presenting in a group. I know my english teacher told the group I was originally in that I left because I'm uncomfortable around people. The thought of that makes me feel pathetic. No avoiding that, though. After school was much better though! I hung out with Sam and Jake! I was really worried it'd be awkward, and it kind of was at first, but it got better gradually. We ventured to an abandoned building that was fabulous looking. I took some pictures for my photography class, which will hopefully look nice. The camera I got from school isn't like the cameras I usually use there. It was really finicky and more difficult to shoot with which worries me. I hope they don't suck, maaan I hope they don't suck. After that we went to a sushi restaurant and I had possibly the most delicious sushi I've had yet! Mango shrimp tempura roll :3 We also came with miso soup and ice cream for free, which was fantastic. We then ventured to the infamous abandoned factory, only to find it had been welded shut. That made me sad. I did not get to do enough exploring there :( So instead we sat in a tim hortons until around 8, Sam went home and I went to Jake's. We had a good talk, which I was much in need of. I mean, him and I talk all the time, but lately I haven't been very honest with him about what's been going on inside my head, which I know from experience pushes people away. I don't think I said everything I should have, but it was certainly enough for one day. I feel content though. Jake's awesome and I'm glad this is still working well. He went to work at 10 and I came home and hung out with my mom for a bit. Seeing Sam today was also so nice. It wasn't as awesome as elementary school days of course, but it was still pretty great, especially seeing as we really only hang out a few times a year. She's just one of those people that no matter what I'll always respect and wish the best for. Hopefully we can hang out again soon.
This feels like my longest post ever... what the hell. I'm really tired now, likely too tired to edit this, so it may be a bunch of mumbo jumbo. My brain feels like it's been in overdrive for the past few weeks. My words can't ever really keep up. I need dreamland. Goodnight bloggyblog.
No comments:
Post a Comment