Alright, so I'm maybe a bit upset.
Bad things are supposed to pass. Things are supposed to get better. Time is supposed to heal everything.
and I guess all of that is true. I'm just getting really impatient, and I really don't want to feel sad right now.
SOBYEBYESTUPIDTHOUGHTS.
In a few hours I'll be at a friend's house, surrounded by my favourite people. They make me happy. So, I'm gonna be happy, no questions asked, starting now. No time to waste thinking about silly things! Okay.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
So last night was fabulous :) I talked to people and made friends, yaaay. All of them were 20 and older though, yaaaay. I was talking to one of them about how I used to be super straightedge and he told me I didn't do it for very long. He was straightedge till he was like 18 or 20 or something. That made me realize how young I really am. I'm not quite 16 yet and already I've been drunk way more times than my 19 year old brother. It's just weird. At the same time, I can't really help it. I know this is a bad excuse but it's just so fucking difficult being a "straightedge" teenager. Nobody likes you. You don't get invited to things, even small get togethers. Everyone thinks you're boring and assumes you hate them if you find out they drink or whatever. It just puts up so many social walls, and it gets lonely. So yeah, I've conformed. It had to happen. I think I might've blogged about this before, but anyway.
It was a lot easier to stay away from this stuff last year. I had Jared, who was also straightedge, so whenever I felt like my friends hated me/forever alone/etc I could always talk to him about it and he understood perfectly. When my friends were all getting high, I had him to play video games with. Cute, right? But obviously I don't have that now, as even a friend at the least, and he gave up the straightedgeness anyway. I guess that was the breaking point, it was way too difficult to do it alone.
I'm just glad I'm not reliant on this stuff. I can have a great time without all that stuff, but I can have a great time with it too. I'm only young once, so I guess I shouldn't feel lame about conforming. Better to live a life of oh wells instead of what ifs. Also, bonus, I didn't do anything stupid last night (other than drink way too much way too fast, but now I know).
So that said, next week is Alia's party. The day after is Nigel's party. The following weekend is Zach's party. The weekend after that is my birthday. Hi, I need a job. Anyway, yeah. Partiespartiesparties. I'm glad I'm making friends and getting out of the house more. The partying will cool down once school comes around, I'm sure.
Basically, I'm happier lately. Staying home too much makes me very unhappy, as you can tell by previous posts. Other issues are still ever present, but that's okay. Byebyepost.
It was a lot easier to stay away from this stuff last year. I had Jared, who was also straightedge, so whenever I felt like my friends hated me/forever alone/etc I could always talk to him about it and he understood perfectly. When my friends were all getting high, I had him to play video games with. Cute, right? But obviously I don't have that now, as even a friend at the least, and he gave up the straightedgeness anyway. I guess that was the breaking point, it was way too difficult to do it alone.
I'm just glad I'm not reliant on this stuff. I can have a great time without all that stuff, but I can have a great time with it too. I'm only young once, so I guess I shouldn't feel lame about conforming. Better to live a life of oh wells instead of what ifs. Also, bonus, I didn't do anything stupid last night (other than drink way too much way too fast, but now I know).
So that said, next week is Alia's party. The day after is Nigel's party. The following weekend is Zach's party. The weekend after that is my birthday. Hi, I need a job. Anyway, yeah. Partiespartiesparties. I'm glad I'm making friends and getting out of the house more. The partying will cool down once school comes around, I'm sure.
Basically, I'm happier lately. Staying home too much makes me very unhappy, as you can tell by previous posts. Other issues are still ever present, but that's okay. Byebyepost.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I'm seeing my uncle on Saturday :)
Gah, I haven't seen him since last year. He's really awesome, and is super laid back and always has awesome stories. He was one of my favourite adults growing up but I don't see him nearly as much as I used to. So yeah, I'm excited! I miss seeing my family members. I miss going to my cousin's farm and climbing up into her barn's attic to play with her cats, then collecting the chickens' eggs, and being afraid of her ostriches. She also had this gigantic dog named Gunner who was always wet and splashing through puddles, but he was also the only big dog I've ever liked. She had horses too I think, but I didn't see much of them. They were usually way out in the field where I didn't normally venture to without my cousin. They also had a pool covered by a gigantic tarp thingy that made everything in that "room" look green. It was really an awesome house, and the family were all so lovely and, well.. familylike. Big families are the best and I'll admit I'm sort of envious of people who have that. The last time I saw my extended family was at a funeral last October. I hadn't seen them for years before that. They hardly know me now and I hardly know them. It sucks. A part of me is a little frustrated with my mom for never making effort to see them. A bigger part of me is frustrated with the fact that that trait seems to run in the family. I don't make effort with very many people at all. I'll probably be a near hermit when I'm older, just like my biological uncle. My family hasn't really seen or heard from him since I was seven or so, when we all had a big dinner at my grandma's old house. Gah, don't even get me started about my grandma.
Thankfully there's parties and hangouts coming up. My becoming a hermit is years away.
Gah, I haven't seen him since last year. He's really awesome, and is super laid back and always has awesome stories. He was one of my favourite adults growing up but I don't see him nearly as much as I used to. So yeah, I'm excited! I miss seeing my family members. I miss going to my cousin's farm and climbing up into her barn's attic to play with her cats, then collecting the chickens' eggs, and being afraid of her ostriches. She also had this gigantic dog named Gunner who was always wet and splashing through puddles, but he was also the only big dog I've ever liked. She had horses too I think, but I didn't see much of them. They were usually way out in the field where I didn't normally venture to without my cousin. They also had a pool covered by a gigantic tarp thingy that made everything in that "room" look green. It was really an awesome house, and the family were all so lovely and, well.. familylike. Big families are the best and I'll admit I'm sort of envious of people who have that. The last time I saw my extended family was at a funeral last October. I hadn't seen them for years before that. They hardly know me now and I hardly know them. It sucks. A part of me is a little frustrated with my mom for never making effort to see them. A bigger part of me is frustrated with the fact that that trait seems to run in the family. I don't make effort with very many people at all. I'll probably be a near hermit when I'm older, just like my biological uncle. My family hasn't really seen or heard from him since I was seven or so, when we all had a big dinner at my grandma's old house. Gah, don't even get me started about my grandma.
Thankfully there's parties and hangouts coming up. My becoming a hermit is years away.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I. feel. like. shit.
I feel separated and unattached from just about everything; my friends, my brother, my mom, my guitar, art, etc. Guitar class usually puts me in a good mood but it didn't today. Hanging out with friends made me happy for the time being, but now I just feel sinking.
I think, maybe, I feel really lonely. (Although I'm closer than ever with my cats lately)
I feel hopeless.
I think for a little while I was convinced that I wouldn't grow up to live alone with cats. I started to think that humans weren't meant to live life on their own, and there'd be some really spectacular people around me. Now, not so much. I'm back to thinking I'll have some cats and just be striving to keep busy and distracted, so I don't have to sit around and be aware of my hidden sadness. A life like that doesn't sound like a happy one. It just seems like... a life. A plain, simple life. Which in retrospect sucks, because I've lived through happy times before. I know what it's like to be happy, in the company of many people who care about you, and feeling loved. But in the end, it seems friendships and even relationships won't end well because I just can't carry them. I can't make people happy. Maybe for a little while, but in the end I only hurt or disappoint them.
I just feel pathetic. I'm looking forward to being back in school and hopefully a lot busier.
I'll have hour+ bus rides to school and back, homework, hopefully good classes, hopefully a social life, and hopefully a job. That'll keep me going.
In the meantime, I wait. I just don't like waiting to be happy though, I wish I could make myself happy right now.
/end rant
I feel separated and unattached from just about everything; my friends, my brother, my mom, my guitar, art, etc. Guitar class usually puts me in a good mood but it didn't today. Hanging out with friends made me happy for the time being, but now I just feel sinking.
I think, maybe, I feel really lonely. (Although I'm closer than ever with my cats lately)
I feel hopeless.
I think for a little while I was convinced that I wouldn't grow up to live alone with cats. I started to think that humans weren't meant to live life on their own, and there'd be some really spectacular people around me. Now, not so much. I'm back to thinking I'll have some cats and just be striving to keep busy and distracted, so I don't have to sit around and be aware of my hidden sadness. A life like that doesn't sound like a happy one. It just seems like... a life. A plain, simple life. Which in retrospect sucks, because I've lived through happy times before. I know what it's like to be happy, in the company of many people who care about you, and feeling loved. But in the end, it seems friendships and even relationships won't end well because I just can't carry them. I can't make people happy. Maybe for a little while, but in the end I only hurt or disappoint them.
I just feel pathetic. I'm looking forward to being back in school and hopefully a lot busier.
I'll have hour+ bus rides to school and back, homework, hopefully good classes, hopefully a social life, and hopefully a job. That'll keep me going.
In the meantime, I wait. I just don't like waiting to be happy though, I wish I could make myself happy right now.
/end rant
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Grr. I had an interview with walmart last week and it went well. So today they called and said I was selected for the 3rd and final interview and it's on Thursday. nfkndgkndfkg I'm out of town thursday and not back till saturday, so i can't go, and she doesn't think there's anymore interviews after saturday.
So now I don't get the job because stupid vacationness which isn't actually stupid but still :(
I really, really wanted (and needed) this job. Ugh. It's so fucking difficult to even get an interview somewhere, much less hired. :((((((
So now I don't get the job because stupid vacationness which isn't actually stupid but still :(
I really, really wanted (and needed) this job. Ugh. It's so fucking difficult to even get an interview somewhere, much less hired. :((((((
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