On Friday I had to explain my retarded anxiety to my English teachers and now every time we have group work I get to go do mine alone in the library. That works.

Alright, so our house is officially ready to be listed and we've chosen a place we're hoping to move to. I really hope it works out because I love the house and it's in a much better location. c:

I feel really swamped with homework this week. I have a painting due on Wednesday that's maybe half done? I have to figure out how I'm gonna bring it home tomorrow so I can work on it. All my sculpture stuff is due next Tuesday. I have one project nearly done, one halfway and the other not started. I have an art history quiz this week and a test next week, I have to write a statement of intent for next Tuesday, at some point go to a gallery and write a view, as well as two paintings I haven't started that are due next Friday, I think. Fuck thissssssss.

Plus a question sheet in English, my isp book to keep reading, some group work shit due on Thursday...

yeah, I'm not good at school. I think I'll be living and breathing art more than usual all week.

Another good thing about moving though, (if it's the house we're hoping for) I'll have the entire basement to myself and will be super close to ltc stops, so I can gtfo when needed. :)

It seems like every little thing I do makes my mom mad at me, lately. I've lost count of how many times she's started flipping out at me over text while I'm on my way home somewhere. On top of that stressing me out, it usually occurs when I'm on an ltc bus which is a nightmare when I start having a panic attack about it. This month especially, she just snaps over every tiny little thing and will start yelling and calling me disrespectful and ungreatful. When she gets like that, I stay as calm as I can and tell her I don't understand why she's angry and she needs to give me an explanation. To which she continues to call me a brat and accuses of me being rude. How am I being rude? I hardly ever even talk when I'm at home anymore. There's literally not a single thing I've said that could be considered rude, ungreatful, difficult... anything. I hate that we're working on moving right now because I think that's only making her worse.

I hate this. The one thing I cannot stand, more than anything on the planet, is angry people. I cannot be around anger. It freaks me out and fucks with my anxiety even more and I just think it's a terrible, unneeded emotion. I literally have no idea how to deal with it. Usually I just make sure angry people stay out of my life. I don't want to be home anymore, I'm so sick of feeling like everything I do is terrible. I can't even talk to her about this because no matter what, she'll just turn it around on me somehow and if I prove my point, well now I'm just being rude and need to be grounded.

I wish I were like Korrin, with a million close friends offering their houses as an escape for whenever her mom gives her trouble. But alas, I suck and have no friends, and my mom wouldn't let me stay at someone's house for too long anyway. Wonderful. Times like this, I wish my dad were alive, if only to be another potential living place.

Merrrr, not everyone's going to like me. That is normal. I cannot be friends with everyone. Stop being so affected by this, self.

thoughts and things.

On Saturday I went to Toronto with my mom. I actually stayed awake for the 2 hour drive both ways so we talked about a lot of things. She mostly told me about her childhood and about the early years of my life I can't remember. We even talked about my dad a bit. I now know his previous job, his time and cause of death, how they met, and some of the terrible things he did. It was really uncomfortable hearing about him though. I guess for most of my life I wanted to remain ignorant and believe he was a good man, especially since I never got the chance to form an opinion on him myself. No one really wants to believe that half of their DNA is from someone less than kind because then the theory that "the apple never falls too far from the tree" comes into question. Particularly when it comes to family, I don't want to believe they're naturally shady people.

That said, the same thing applies to my mother's brother- the uncle I don't remember meeting. I don't want to get into too much detail about the stories my mom had about him, but basically he slowly started disowning his entire family. My mom hasn't spoken to him in 9 years. No one in my family has. From what I'm told, it sounds like he's become a hermit. During the years when he did still occasionally socialize with the family, he never spoke of his personal life and really the only details anyone knew about him was his address, phone number, and where he worked. They'd never been inside his house, never been informed of any relationships or friends he might have, or anything like that. He was getting so distant that he didn't even visit his mom when she was in the hospital. When she died, he didn't go to the visitation. He continued to get increasingly more distant, shutting out everyone and making them feel like a burden for trying to connect with him. Eventually he moved without telling anyone, much less telling them his new phone number or address.

It kind of scares me how he just fell off the map like that. I couldn't imagine going nine years without Taylor, not even knowing if he was alive. My uncle kind of reminds me of myself, the way my mom described him. I'm scared to grow up and turn out like him. I'm just so terrible at connecting with people, opening up about things and maintaining friendships. Anyway, I told my mom to try and call his work sometime soon and see if he's around. She looks at it like he didn't want them (the family) around because he didn't love them, but I tried to explain a different angle to her, as to why he became so aloof. I can understand how he might have felt, I guess.

I also feel inclined to state, I really wish I didn't form opinions on people. I hate overhearing gossip about people at school, particularly because it's usually all negative. I'm sick of having tainted views on people. In fact, this year I'd like to focus on seeing the best in people. Misanthrope is incredibly unneeded.

and, obligatory mention of changing up my blog's layout and whatnot.

march break and shenanigans

Overall, not what I had in mind.
Friday after school I hung out with a friend. We kind of just went around meowing at people for a few hours, playing my ocarina and eating candy. Saturday I hung out with my family and slept and stuff. Sunday was a little different.
I met up with Kristin and a bunch of her friends who I had either met once before, or just met for the first time. I hung out with them and their copious amounts of weed for a little while, then went with her and Mikey to another house. I was very high at this time and I tried mdma (who I may refer to as molly). The three of us went to lavish around 10:30, met up with Maple, and more of Kristin's friends. Shortly after, molly set in, we were all rolling and all I could feel was an intense euphoria. I was the most social I have ever been in my entire life and couldn't have stopped dancing if you tied me down, basically. Negativity didn't even exist. The whole concept of harmony with humans, and how society should be better connected, etc was actually... well, it was happening.. for those of us who were rolling, anyway. I mostly hung out with Kristin, Maple and Mikey for the night, and I think a handful of people got a contact high from us. Not to mention, Mikey was dressed as a fox, Maple was dressed as a 6'7" chesire cat and I had my cat ears on and tons of bright colours. Goddamn, it was fun. I enjoy those people, they're so nice and easygoing. I'm not gonna explain any direct details of the night, but yeah, we started walking back to the first house around 2am and hung out there with their copious amounts of weed until 4 or 5am, then went to Maple's house where I had the most glorious sleep ever.

Monday was weird. Occasionally I'd get a brief buzz, and then I'd get a brief comedown. The comedown was terrible. If rolling felt like a 20/10 on the happy scale, the comedown feels like a -10/10. I went home in the morning, having to walk in the rain a lot, then later met up with some people downtown and hung out for a bit. By the time I got home that night, any slight buzz was completely gone and I've basically been dealing with the comedown ever since. It got reeaally bad on Tuesday.

Tuesday, by the time I woke up, showered, got ready and went out I felt like sleeping more, or not existing somehow. I went to a friend's house and we watched movies all day. The comedown was so terrible, I was almost too depressed to talk and felt like crying every five seconds. Luckily, said friend is pretty great and still liked hanging out with me, even though I was clearly not well. I have to say, he has the coolest house in the world. Literally every inch of every wall in his house is covered with really old movie posters, music posters, art work, or some other neat stuff. They have these super old cars from the 60s, thousands of records, a 1950s radio and all this amazing punk rock stuff. When he was showing me around, I literally felt like I was in an episode of cribs. His step dad's been singing in a moderately successful punk rock band for 30 years, which I guess can kind of explain all the incredible stuff. The combination of that awesome house and hanging out with him made the comedown more bearable and it was kind of a decent day, considering. He's such a great friend to me and I'm excited to hang out with him again sometime, when I'm not, y'know, wishing I were dead.

Wednesday and today I've basically just been sleeping, hanging out with my mom, and focusing on feeling better. My mom wants to move again, so we've been doing lots of driving around, looking at potential future homes. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's good that I'd be moving more into the city, but change is just so overwhelming.

I don't really know what I'm doing with the rest of break. There isn't much time left. I guess I have homework that isn't really mandatory, but I'm sure I'll be swamped if I don't at least do a bit of it. I'm disappointed, because I was hoping to hang out with a lot more people this break (Alexander, Sam, Rachel, etc) and I was supposed to go hand out more resumes, but that just makes me nfjknfc. At this point, I've applied to literally around 100 places since last summer and I've only gotten 3 interviews, ever.

I don't know what to do. I need more hours in a day.