random thought.

There's this girl at my school who added me on facebook a month or two ago and then I deleted her like 3 days after that because I was cleaning up my "friends" list. When I get semi-random adds from people I normally give them a few weeks after I've accepted to start a conversation and if they don't, then byebye. She was a random add, we've never talked or hung out with the same people at the same time, or been in any of the same classes, but she only had like 3 days and I didn't even recognize her at first. Then surely enough the day after I delete her, I see her in the halls and recognize her and we kind of made eye contact and then I felt like a bitch. I see her sitting or wandering alone 90% of the time and I just feel really sorry for her. I guess she reminds me of myself, because I hid in washrooms or sat alone and read for majority of first semester, and some of the second as well. So I'm kind of considering talking to her... I don't know. She doesn't intimidate me and obviously she knows I exist, so why not? Being alone fucking sucks, and if I can save someone that pain, then... I should. It's what any decent human should do. Maybe it'll even make her day.
That said, obviously I'm not going to go around striking up conversations with everyone I see who's alone... it's okay for her though, because she doesn't scare me (not sure why) and she knows I exist and I don't want her thinking I'm a stuck up bitch for deleting her.

Why do I analyze these things? I'm lame. But I'm gonna make it my mission to find an opportunity to introduce myself. I guess this means I'm in a "nice" mood.

merrrr >:|
The year end show starts tomorrow and I only have one drawing going in it.
I was supposed to have 3 collages and a different drawing, but then the frame was cracked on one of the collages so for that reason it wasn't "show worthy" (so why did they used a cracked frame in the first place?) and the other two my teacher didn't like (which makes no sense because they got plenty of compliments and my other teacher wanted them in the show) and the drawing that was supposed to be in, I'm pretty sure has just been misplaced. NOT OKAY. She said it was because it was all submitted too late, but they weren'ttt. My teacher couldn't find my collages for months and the other one was handed in weeks ago. nfjdksnfs I'm so disappointed and discouraged. Maybe they were pieces of crap then, I don't know. But now I'm ashamed that I've had 2 and a half hours of art class, 5 day a week for the past 9 months, and apparently nothing to show for it. Fuck that. jsdkfnsdkjfsnd I fucking suck, why did I even leave STA? I have no future.

I feel like every time I am happy for a full day (or most of one, anyway) I've climbed a rung on a ladder. But when I have even just one day like today I fall from whatever rung I got to and land harshly on my bottom. I don't know why I insist on getting back on the ladder. The higher I get, the further I fall and that just hurts. What's so great about the top of the ladder anyway?

and back up again.

Things are good again :3 Friday, I hung out with beaver queen and korrin which was awesome. We haven't hung out just the three of us in a long time and I had a lot of fun! Like Korrin's mom said, "It's like you're all in grade school again!". It makes me even more excited for summer, because hopefully we'll all hang out more. Saturday, I had another date and it went splendidly. We went to a fabulous pad thai restaurant then walked around springbank. :) Sunday and Monday (I stayed home), I've just been hanging out with my mom. We went out for breakfast, went shopping and saw a movie on Sunday and yesterday we did more shopping and packed up my room a bit. It was a lot of fun because my mom and I have been getting along really well lately. So, yeah... school's been really easy lately and the year end show is this weekend! I only have 3 things going in it, but that's better than nothing. I also fired the mug I was worried wouldn't turn out and surprise, it looks pretty good! That's a relief. Aand, tonight I'm going to the sta art show which should be interesting. Okay.

Shitty day was shitty.
The morning was good, but then I went to art class after lunch and then it didn't just go down hill, it jumped off a cliff. Michelle wasn't there (because her cat died, poor thing ): ) and whenever Michelle isn't in class I am always struck with the reminder that it's been nearly a full year at Beal and I have hardly any new friends to show for it. I'm so fucking alone and it really hurts sometimes. Most people look straight through me, and the ones that don't just kind of look at me strangely. I know I complain about this a lot, but it's just always so relevant. I'm still too shy to talk to anyone... to the point that on the rare occasion someone actually, say, asks me for a pencil I'm usually too flustered to reply without a good 20 second pause to take in the fact that I'm being acknowledged and don'tfuckthisup. Stupid, stupid little things like that. But anyway, art class was terrible. I sat by myself and tried to get lost in my drawing and music but all I could think about was how much of a fucking loser I must look like and that everyone in my class must hate me, therefore I should be aware of my every movement, posture, expression, etc. And of course still trying to make a decent piece of art like that.
Eventually I handed in my final for drawing class and my teacher had a disappointed look on her face when she saw it. She said it's not my best work and won't be going in the year end show. She's putting one of my other drawings in it, but I got the feeling she hardly wanted that one in it either. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but that kinda kicked me while I was down. I put a lot of hours into those drawings.
After school I went to the ceramics room to glaze a mug I made for my friend who I have gay little feelings for. It was supposed to be for his birthday which was over a week ago, but he didn't mind. It was actually looking really good for a while but I'm pretty sure I ruined it today. It was carved and shaped all nicely and stuff, but then there was a bunch of people in the ceramics room who are all so above me, and I felt like they were judging me even though had I not been in their way, the wouldn't have even noticed me. This one girl kinda talked to me like I was a 5 year old or something when she needed the glaze I was using. Awkward. It was all really dumb and insignificant but I already felt like an anxious ball of crap, so when you add even more anxiety to the mix, you get a pathetic, shakey-handed, clumsy, flustered and holding-back-tears Mandy. Thus, I made a billion sloppy mistakes with the glazing that I couldn't fully fix and my teacher wasn't there to help so it's probably going to turn out like a giant piece of shit after it gets fired. I won't know for sure until it does get fired because the glazing process is weird like that, but yeah. Great going. I just wanted to make a nice mug for a nice boy and hope he might be pleased and maybe even impressed or something but instead he'll probably just realize what a giant down syndrome failure I am.
So now I am home, in the comfort of my own bedroom, crying like the downs kid I am about the fact that I should probably just give up on art right now because I'm clearly not going anywhere with it. I'm supposed to go out for dinner with my family for Taylor's birthday literally right this minute but I'm kind of busy unleashing Niagara Falls from my eyes, so I don't know how that's going to go.

But fucking dammit, I really hate myself today.

Also I haven't gotten my mom a present for her birthday which is tomorrow, which, she said she doesn't even want one, but how the else do I even begin to thank her for everything she does? Now I'm a failed daughter as well. Awesome. At least my brother liked what his present and card. There's a positive. Yeah, okaybye.

Aweaweawe, 3 of my friends have had their cats die within the past two weeks :(
It's so frickin sad, I don't even know what I'll do when my cats die. nfkjdnskjf saaaaaaad.

on the brightside, today I was at victoria park and someone brought their cat there on a leash. It was so cute I actually teared up a bit. the end

okay, feeling better meow, excellent.