Blaaah.
Today the guy I like asked me out. I was pretty happy about it at first, now everything's dragging it down.
I'm just looking forward to hopefully getting to know him better. I don't want an actual relationship quite yet, so I'm hoping we can keep things light like that. I like him, but obviously I'm scared.
I'm scared to have another break up. I'm scared he'll lie to me. I'm scared he'll grow bored with me and move on to some new girl lickity split. Sound familiar?
It really doesn't help that my close friend since 3rd grade liked him. She told me she was over him, but I guess not seeing as she was crying about it today. and I know they were just kidding, but yesterday when she was crying about him liking me some friends said "Fuck you, this is all your fault!" and some other stuff along the lines of that.
Just because you're kidding doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
The last thing in the world I want to do is upset a friend. It's not like I'm trying to. I didn't think he would ever like me, I never even flirted with him or anything. I thought I was going to stay away from guys for a while. I was worried from the start about Korrin and I liking the same person. I knew it wouldn't go well if things happened with him for either of us.
Obviously all I want to do is help Korrin and make her happy, but there's literally nothing I can do. She knows I'm here for her with whatever, but let's be real here, the last person you want comforting from is the person who's more or less seeing who you wanted.
It's friggin' shitty. I hope she gets past this soon.
Today I was with Mat pretty much all day, having 3 classes together and all, and honestly I was so standoffish towards him at times. I'm surprised he believes I like him. I just didn't want to make Korrin uncomfortable.
And then guuuuh. Emily of course tells me, you better not be all coupley. Fuck. Obviously I don't want to be sickening and sucking face all the time, but I really don't like feeling obligated to act a certain way around people.
It was like that with Jared. So many people told us we better not be coupley. This one time, we met up with some friends at the park and we were just holding hands and a certain friend complained, said ew, and that she was gonna barf. That fucking bugged me. We were only holding hands. I never even kissed him in front of them. Not once throughout the entire 8 months, yet heaven forbid just once I should hold his hand. Not to mention, a certain friend used to ONLY suck face with her boyfriend in grade 8 whenever I was around. She would come over to my house, use my phone, and talk to him for hours just saying back and forth that they loved each other and pretty much ignored me. To make matters worse, I had liked that boyfriend before he started dating her and she knew it. If I had to put up with it, shouldn't I be entitled to a little more than acting like strictly friends?
Honestly, it was uncomfortable not being at least a little bit coupley with Jared. We were entirely different people when others were around and I hated it. I just wanted to be myself with him and be happy, regardless of who's around. I didn't like feeling like our relationship should be some dark secret.

I don't want to make the same mistakes this time. A good friend would think it's cute and be happy for us, would they not? Not tell us we're disgusting. It's not like we'd be anywhere even half as bad as said friend was a couple of years ago. So just, nkjdnfjkd stop telling me what to do.

But of course Korrin's sadness makes this all a bit of a different story. gah.

I just want to be happy about all of this.