Today when my mama picked me up, she was a bit upset. Her kids were both out on dates tonight while she was sitting at home, her birthday weekend, with her pets, because her poopface of a boyfriend has been on his man period again lately. She was telling me "I'm just that lady who spends time with her animals" to which I told her "It's okay mom, I plan on being alone with a tooon of cats when I'm older"
I guess this surprised her. She told me not to think that way because I'm still young with plenty of time to date nice boys who pay for my movie tickets and do other nice things. I said yes, I'm young with plenty of time to date, but in the end I'll eventually just be with my cats. I've never told my mom that I thought about stuff like that; growing up to be alone. When I open up to my mom about things, I know it's true to what I'm really feeling. I don't lie to her about things like that. This made me realize that my mom was probably thinking "When did she lose so much hope?", so then I asked myself that same question. It's weird. I guess I just haven't had very many examples of true, lasting love in my life. My mom was married, then separated. She never re-married. She's been engaged a couple of times and her past boyfriends have moved in with us before, but that's never worked out either. Most of them ended up leaving after doing pretty horrid things. My mom's current boyfriend she's been on and off with for 11 years, with other boyfriends during the longer "off"s. When they're together, they seem perfect. They've been good friends since high school. He's one of the closest things I've ever had to a father and he watched me grow up. For a little while, I thought they were maybe even soulmates. I don't even believe in soulmates, but they just seem so wonderful for each other.
Until he gets in his moods. I don't even know. He's a bit of a hermit, I guess. He gets extremely cynical and upset with the world, and when he gets like this, he takes it out on everyone around him, including my poor mother. I just don't get him, he's so controlled by his negative emotions and truly cruel and unfair at times. This is why their engagements have never pulled through, they've never stayed together for longer than 2 or 3 years, they break up sometimes multiple times a month, and once even didn't talk to each other for 3 years. It's just not right. I can't see my mom truly being happy with anyone but him, but I also can't see them ever getting married. It sucks for my mom, because she deserves a happily ever after.
Another thing that bothers me is when they get back together he expects Taylor and I to act like they were never apart. Like he never hurt our mother. He calls us his family, but he doesn't know what family really is. Family is my brother and I feeling our mother's pain, even if it has nothing to do with us. He wouldn't understand that. After him and my mom were apart for 3 years and he came back during grade 10, I treated him completely differently. I very rarely hug him now and I certainly don't plan on telling him I love him again. I will never refer to him as a father figure again, because if that's what he's supposed to be, he's a lousy one. He still treats me like he did when I was 4 and thought he was practically a superhero. Doesn't he realize things aren't the same?
I mean, I don't hate him. He's a really cool guy when he's happy.
But if there's one thing I've learned lately it's that no matter how wonderful the high is, it's not worth it if the lows are more consistent.
So yeah, I have lost hope in love, as far as relationships go. I don't plan on ever falling in love, but it'll probably happen anyway; however, I still plan on it failing. This doesn't mean I'll go out of my way to make it fail and that I can't be happy with someone for a long period of time, but I just don't expect it to ever last. That whole 50th anniversary thing will never happen. I've grown to be okay with this, as long as I have a couple of friends and some affectionate cats.
No comments:
Post a Comment