I don't know why I'm so upset about all this now. I don't know why I'm not over this. Everyone expects me to be over this, I expect me to be over this, why aren't I over this?

I just read something and like nfkjdngkjdf you were talking as though you actually cared about me. How can you possibly claim to have cared about me when you just sat there and lied to me for an hour that night? You didn't care about me, you just cared about getting me out of your way to be with her. That's sure how it looks, so why should I believe it was anything other than that? Fuck. I just don't get it. I just thought you cared. Did you know you were the first person to ever make me cry in a public place? That was one thing I thought I'd never allow myself to do. Did you know you were the first person to ever see me cry, other than my mom?

I keep thinking, if I had just opened up to you... There was all this stuff that I should have told you, but I didn't. I didn't want to be a burden. I thought opening up would push you away, but maybe it was the lacking of it that pushed you away. I just hate this. I don't know how to open up to anyone. I've never told anyone everything. Not my mom, not any former best friends, not my bffl, not my brother, no one. I just don't know how and it's making me feel so fucking lonely. I wish I had known that maybe it bothered you that I didn't open up to you. I wish I could have spent my friday night with you, cuddled up in your bed like we used to, but this time I could actually tell you things and you could ask me questions and we could fill in the blanks together and be all happy and blahblahblah. But that didn't happen, nor will it ever.

I don't know how to open up to people. The other night someone asked me if I ever felt lonely. I laughed and told them of course, half of my friends hate me. I LAUGHED. I did it cause I felt uncomfortable and I knew they meant with regards to Jared. They specified and I tried to turn the conversation in another direction. I just couldn't tell her how I really felt. I couldn't tell her how many nights I spend crying. I couldn't describe that horrible, sickening feeling I get in my stomach during class when my head's on my desk, everyone's talking amongst themselves and I have my earphones in. I couldn't say the real reason why I take 4 hours naps every day after school. I couldn't explain any of the sick thoughts that frequently ran through my mind. Just like I couldn't tell him why I didn't see the Mandy he was raving about. Like I couldn't tell him my real reasoning behind just about anything. It just didn't work.

For this, I know I'll never fit in. I'll never strengthen my friendships or be in a truly successful relationship. I've been this way for years, there's really no changing. I'm just going to make peace with the happiness I do find and look forward to an apartment filled with cats when I'm older. It's okay.