I'm in a really good mood :)
It's weird, my morning was off to a typically bad start- my mom and brother fight almost as much as nearly divorced parents do which makes for a lot of tension, korrin AND emily both stayed home today, I didn't really talk to anyone until english, I saw mat and nicole together as usual, I've had a bitch of a headache all day today and yesterday, and then during history I was talking to telfer and jared kept coming up in conversation and then he was playing some of their songs and kjnfdkjngf that made me sad, and then we were talking about battle of the bands in science, which by that point for some reason I felt like curling up in my bed and sleeping for a month or just crying, then I started listening to really depressing music

BUT SOMEHOW NONE OF THAT EVEN MATTERED. Even when I was really sad, I wasn't sad enough to exclude myself from conversations or smile.

I don't even know. It would typically be a shitty day but for some reason I just had a good mood lingering around me. I'm scared for it to slip. I'm always so afraid of being happy, it just seems to run away so quickly.

on another note, I wish my english teacher would assign more journal assignments. I like trying to open up and explain things to her, but at the same time keep it neat and structured.

I swear I'm the only person in the country who actually liked and misses careers class.
It was just so nice to be able to sit at a computer for a full period, headphones in, getting shit done, being focused, and thinking about the future, learning about jobs that interest me.
It was a daily reminder that one day, the high school bullshit will pass. I'll grow up and hopefully do something that makes me happy. I'll be experiencing freedom. Yes, there'll be plenty of stress and responsibility, but it would keep me busy.
I wouldn't spend my weekends like this, at home the entire time trying to get the fuck away from my thoughts.

This semester kind of sucks, class wise. I have art which is nice because I can zone out and listen to music or talk to korrin, but then the other three... English, I actually listen to my teacher sometimes, but other times I zone out and think about stuff and I can't really listen to my ipod. History, I zone out majorly, and same with science. None of my classes really require focus, and I just wish I had something to focus on.

I'm not even looking forward to the summer because I know there'll be a lot of days where I'm at home doing absolutely nothing, and probably thinking about last summer.

I hate this. My brain's been doing that cycling thing all weekend that Craig from IKOAFS does.

KNFKJDNGKFDJG MY BRAIN NEEDS TO SHUT DOWN, I AM SICK OF IT'S SHIT.

Here's a piece of my mind.

I'm fucking sad. One little slip up brings in a whole slew of horrible past memories and experiences and the thoughts get all overwhelming again. I can't sleep it off anymore. I need a distraction to get away from all of this because I really don't know how to solve things.

I know I'll get over it all eventually though, I just hate waiting and waiting and waiting.

The below post is my english assignment. It's all rambley and messy because it's supposed to be written like how Holden writes.

I left out a lot of stuff because I had a two page limit and was scared to open up more, but yeah. There it is.

Jeremiah

When I was 4 or 5 or something I had a special backpack. It was pretty much a regular looking panda bear, except it had a zipper so he was stuffed with belongings. I named him Jeremiah, just ‘cause it sounded nice. That wasn’t until years later though because I stopped using Jeremiah to carry my ballet slippers by the time I turned 7. I left him in a box then randomly found him again when I was 14. I started wearing him again whenever I went out. I guess it might’ve looked silly but I didn’t mind. I had slim pickings anyway so to hell with whatever other people might’ve thought. I had a friend called Jared Chapman who thought Jeremiah was pretty cute though. I guess he also thought it was cool or something that I was weird enough to carry around a panda bear as a backpack, because it turned out he liked me a fair bit. As childish as it sounds, we’d sometimes pretend Jeremiah was more than a stuffed animal with straps and a zipper. That goof Jared brought life to the little guy. He’d take his paws and make Jeremiah do cute things like wave at me, or give me a big hug. It was the joke that Jeremiah was too shy to actually talk, but sometimes he’d whisper his thoughts into our ears or communicate through gestures. I guess that sounds like something a 5 year old would do, but we didn’t care. We were just being silly. We weren’t always silly, though. In fact we dated for almost a whole goddamn year. But once we broke up Jeremiah found his way back on to a shelf in my closet. I get real sad looking at him up there, all still and lifeless. Ever since old Chapman stopped coming ‘round, I didn’t personify Jeremiah anymore. He’s just a sad looking panda bear now. If Jared and I still talked, we’d probably say Jeremiah was too depressed to do much nowadays. That’s another thing we did; whenever I didn’t bring Jeremiah out with us I’d say it’s because he had to work at the office that day or needed sleep because he was out late last night. This one time I was at a friend’s house with that goon and we were all sitting around listening to music and an Akon song came on shuffle. Jared swiped Jeremiah up off the bed and moved his paws and stuff to make it look like he was club dancing. We all sat around laughing, because damn that panda bear had moves. He wasn’t always a joking around type of bear, though. I always had trouble opening up about things, even to Jared, so sometimes Jeremiah would say stuff for me. We’d be having a serious conversation and I’d be afraid so I’d make Jeremiah answer questions for me by shaking or nodding his head. Hiding was just easier, I guess. Maybe that was our problem. I never told Jared much. He probably felt god awful about it, thinking maybe I didn’t trust him or something else. But it wasn’t actually his fault or anything. I eventually started to open up, this one night a few months ago. It was when he was in the midst of breaking up with me, actually. I guess I had waited too goddamn long to finally start telling him stuff because he certainly wasn’t interested in it by then. He dumped me in a goddamn Tim Hortons, which was uncomfortable because I saw about 6 people I knew in there and had to keep my face hidden and all. I was really upset about the whole thing so I just sat there and cried for a while. Crying in public isn’t something I would ever do in any other circumstance but I was just so goddamn sad. He told me all this damn garbage that I learned wasn‘t true in the least. It’s kind of funny how you think someone cares for you and then they go lie to your goddamn face like that. For the next month or so I was pretty messed up. I didn‘t sleep much anymore. I just cried in my goddamn bed whenever I was home. Eventually I started going out a lot, staying out late till the wee hours of morning, hanging around at peoples’ houses, going to concerts and whatever else. I used to be so goddamn obedient to my “curfew“. But at the time being home just sucked too much. I was lonely and the thoughts were so goddamn overwhelming. I had to keep busy before I ended up like Jeremiah; all hidden away and sad. No point in wasting time like that. I’ve more or less gotten over the whole thing now so who even cares what methods I used to get there, right?

I GOT THE ENGLISH ASSIGNMENT BACK.
I got a 10/10! My teacher said she "love love loved it!", it's brilliant and I am the female Holden.
GUSH.

I even let two friends read it and they were pretty impressed. I might post it on here. It feels kind of good to open up :')