march break and shenanigans

Overall, not what I had in mind.
Friday after school I hung out with a friend. We kind of just went around meowing at people for a few hours, playing my ocarina and eating candy. Saturday I hung out with my family and slept and stuff. Sunday was a little different.
I met up with Kristin and a bunch of her friends who I had either met once before, or just met for the first time. I hung out with them and their copious amounts of weed for a little while, then went with her and Mikey to another house. I was very high at this time and I tried mdma (who I may refer to as molly). The three of us went to lavish around 10:30, met up with Maple, and more of Kristin's friends. Shortly after, molly set in, we were all rolling and all I could feel was an intense euphoria. I was the most social I have ever been in my entire life and couldn't have stopped dancing if you tied me down, basically. Negativity didn't even exist. The whole concept of harmony with humans, and how society should be better connected, etc was actually... well, it was happening.. for those of us who were rolling, anyway. I mostly hung out with Kristin, Maple and Mikey for the night, and I think a handful of people got a contact high from us. Not to mention, Mikey was dressed as a fox, Maple was dressed as a 6'7" chesire cat and I had my cat ears on and tons of bright colours. Goddamn, it was fun. I enjoy those people, they're so nice and easygoing. I'm not gonna explain any direct details of the night, but yeah, we started walking back to the first house around 2am and hung out there with their copious amounts of weed until 4 or 5am, then went to Maple's house where I had the most glorious sleep ever.

Monday was weird. Occasionally I'd get a brief buzz, and then I'd get a brief comedown. The comedown was terrible. If rolling felt like a 20/10 on the happy scale, the comedown feels like a -10/10. I went home in the morning, having to walk in the rain a lot, then later met up with some people downtown and hung out for a bit. By the time I got home that night, any slight buzz was completely gone and I've basically been dealing with the comedown ever since. It got reeaally bad on Tuesday.

Tuesday, by the time I woke up, showered, got ready and went out I felt like sleeping more, or not existing somehow. I went to a friend's house and we watched movies all day. The comedown was so terrible, I was almost too depressed to talk and felt like crying every five seconds. Luckily, said friend is pretty great and still liked hanging out with me, even though I was clearly not well. I have to say, he has the coolest house in the world. Literally every inch of every wall in his house is covered with really old movie posters, music posters, art work, or some other neat stuff. They have these super old cars from the 60s, thousands of records, a 1950s radio and all this amazing punk rock stuff. When he was showing me around, I literally felt like I was in an episode of cribs. His step dad's been singing in a moderately successful punk rock band for 30 years, which I guess can kind of explain all the incredible stuff. The combination of that awesome house and hanging out with him made the comedown more bearable and it was kind of a decent day, considering. He's such a great friend to me and I'm excited to hang out with him again sometime, when I'm not, y'know, wishing I were dead.

Wednesday and today I've basically just been sleeping, hanging out with my mom, and focusing on feeling better. My mom wants to move again, so we've been doing lots of driving around, looking at potential future homes. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's good that I'd be moving more into the city, but change is just so overwhelming.

I don't really know what I'm doing with the rest of break. There isn't much time left. I guess I have homework that isn't really mandatory, but I'm sure I'll be swamped if I don't at least do a bit of it. I'm disappointed, because I was hoping to hang out with a lot more people this break (Alexander, Sam, Rachel, etc) and I was supposed to go hand out more resumes, but that just makes me nfjknfc. At this point, I've applied to literally around 100 places since last summer and I've only gotten 3 interviews, ever.

I don't know what to do. I need more hours in a day.

School is starting to get a bit better, finally!
I actually have a few friends, or at the very least, people I can talk to at school. I haven't sat alone at lunch since January :')
I talk to a few people in my art classes, and some people in the room across the hall sometimes. It's awesome, and they can all make the face, which means they're legit.
I don't talk to anyone in Math or English, so morning's suck, but I doubt that'll ever change. Oh well.

this weekend.

I am going to a party tonight, and for once, I'm not sure I really want to. It's probably going to be mostly high school people which I don't particularly like, though unfortunately I am one. I don't know why I want to go and be surrounded by mediocre people and drink and smoke as much as them (if not more) mostly so I can get up the nerve to socialize. In theory, that makes no sense at all.
However, I have no other plans therefore said party must be better than being sad and alone on a Saturday night.

This week has been okay. I really need to figure out a way to stay awake during period 2, it's getting embarrassing.
Yesterday, I hung out with a new friend from school. It was pretty fun. We basically just walked around, talked and did a bunch of nothing. I like hanging out with him. I feel like I can actually be myself and generally don't need to worry about much. He seems really honest too, and I like it when he can actually open up about things. I like that when I'm with him, we don't smoke weed or anything. I'm sick of only having things in common with people when we're both under the influence.

I guess what I'm saying is, I miss having fun with people in a sober state of mind.
My favourite days were the ones spent sober, anyway. They were the times bffl had a bunch of friends over at his house, days in grade 9, history classes, things like that.
I miss thisss.

Merr, so this week is going a lot better. It's a slightly more social week, I guess. It's funny that I can still consider this week a social one even though I haven't said a single word in math or english all week, except for briefly in math on Monday. Oh well.

Really weird stuff right now, I guess a few people like/are interested in me currently. It's fucking weird. I don't see how anyone could like me because I feel like no one really knows me. I feel like I'm hiding part of an entire person inside, and how is it that none of these people realize this? I don't understand how they don't see straight through me. I don't understand how they can like someone they hardly know.

Obviously I'm flattered and stuff, but I don't really know what to do with it. I just like having friends that actually talk to me regularly. I'm in no state to start up any relationships right now and I don't know how I feel about anyone, so I'm basically just avoiding it all completely by being more sarcastically heartless than ever. Good enough.

I'm finally getting the hang of a project I'm making in sculpture class right now, but I know I'll be right back to square one for the next project. Painting is going okay, art history is going okay. English is fine but I can't stay awake in that class for the life of me, which is an issue. Math is pretty easy. Merrrrrr, I don't know what do with life. I can't stop thinking about how my future will be spent in a cardboard box because what the fuck am I doing. Yep, okay, bye blogger.

Don't fucking call me a "pussy" because I am not okay with people driving vehicles while high.
I thought you would understand by now why I have an issue with impaired driving.

I know I knocked the table over because I watched the jar break and I’ve been trying to repair it every single stupid day. But won’t the cracks still show no matter how well it’s assembled? Can I ever just decide to let it die?

I just like La Dispute.
I guess I'm going to blog about how things are lately, but I don't foresee this being a happy post.

Today in art history, this guy in my class (one of the few people I actually talk to) was completely hammered. It was really funny at first, because we were trying to write a test and he kept giggling and telling everyone how happy he was, and just generally being too drunk to function, and the teacher didn't even realize it was because he was drunk. About halfway through the first half of art history, he fell asleep, which everyone figured was probably for the best. He continued to sleep through class, through break, and finally after 20 minutes into the second half people tried to wake him, but he wouldn't wake up. At this point, I was in a different room, and then I heard a code blue for that classroom over the announcements. I didn't see any of it, but I talked to his friend later, who told me he was taken away, still unconscious but with his eyes open, in an ambulance. Apparently he had been drinking since 7am and might have gone into diabetic shock.
It's just got me really freaked out, I guess. A lot of things have me freaked out lately. I don't doubt for a second that he'll be okay, but it's just scary, how alcohol can affect people. How it can lead people to get into cars and run over people's fathers.

What didn't help was painting after school. I'm supposed to paint something abstract that represents anxiety, and I did an okay job, but ironically, painting anxiety brought more anxiety out of me. I don't know. I just feel like complete shit lately and I don't know how to pick myself up. I also don't trust a single human being around me. No one, at all, and I'm overwhelmed by everything. I'm trying to fix it but it's so, so difficult.

Blaaah so lately I've been super busy.
Monday, after my law exam, I hung out with a new friend who goes to Beal (shocker). I was worried about being awkward and lame and hated forever by everyone in existence, but that didn't happen. We walked for hours around downtown, eventually eoa, and then ended up entering an abandoned factory. That was really frickin' rad. It was such a neat, disgusting and sketchy place. There's graffiti everywhere, clearly from Beal kids, broken windows, walls, etc. We wandered around the floors, eventually making it to the roof. Some places were pitch black and that was quite scary. There were even heroin needles lying around on the 3rd floor. Yepp. So anyway, on the roof, I wanted to walk around on it, but it was covered in snow, which made it more terrifying because you can't see if there's any weak parts of the roof. While I was wandering around the roof, my friend was looking down at the area we came in and said 3 adult guys just came in and we needed to leave. So then we climbed in through a broken window on the roof, into what looked like an office and looked around for stairs down to the first floor. Eventually we found some, a lot of the steps were broken, some parts were in complete darkness, etc. Once we got to the bottom of the stairs, we could hear the voices of the guys inside, and stuff moving. Long story short, after plenty of sneaking around, we found an exit and left.

It was the most fun I've had in a long time.
I definitely wanna go back there for a longer amount of time, once it's warmer out.

Weird thing is, it seems like a lot of people around Beal don't like said person I was hanging out with. Then again, some people don't like Korrin either. Apparently our sense of humor just doesn't fly.

But yeah, shortly after that, I went home and /end Monday.
Tuesday, I hung out with Korrin for a bit after my art exams.

Wednesday was very unexpected. Also I'm using really weird spacing in this entry. Whatever. I didn't have an exam on wednesday, so I bussed downtown around 9 and waited at the library for Korrin to meet me. She brought some guy who's friends with a friend of ours (can you tell I hate using names?) and we sat and talked to him for 3 hours or so. That was interesting enough. I'm not even sure what his name was, but he was an okay person.. although he listens to Nickelback, so I don't much care to ever speak to him again, because just... Nickelback. Later we met up with lord of the beavers and went to see The Devil Inside which was an okay movie. Afterwards we hung out at the mall for really no reason other than the fact that we didn't want to go home yet. 30 minutes before closing, Korrin and I got invited to a Beal art party. So Emily went home, Korrin and I went to Amber's house, got ready, then made it to the party at about 11:30. It was mostly beal art specials, 18 and up. That was kind of a relief, because I really hate my age group. The party was decent! I got drunk way too fast and can't remember the names or really even faces of the people I talked to. Eventually Sam showed up too, which was great, and then a bunch of us went to McDs. I guess we were in there for about 2 hours or so, because by the time we called a cab it was about 3am. We successfully made it to Sam's house, and shortly after, 2 people who went to my public school joined us. I fell asleep around 5:30, and went to someone else's house who used to go to my public school around 1 the next afternoon.

Friday I hung out with bffl all day. We basically just ate a lot of chips and obsessed over cats. :3

AND THAT'S MY WEEK.
I haven't hung out with anyone today (Sunday) or yesterday, which I am glad about. I'm really not used to having plans everyday, so, breaks are needed. That's kind of sad, that I need breaks from being around people.. This is why I'll live with cats when I'm older.

Tomorrow, semester 2 begins. I still can't believe my first semester at Beal is done. It went by really fast and I feel weird, not having had any real academic classes. Law was a complete joke. So tomorrow, I have math, english and double art again. I'm kind of dreading math because it's college level, which means it'll be most likely be a large collection of douchebags. I hate having classes with braindead people such as themselves. I know that sounds terrible and judgemental, because obviously not all people who are bad at math are idiots. There are some really great people who suck at math. But, comparing grade 9 academic math to grade 10 applied math, I really noticed a difference in the students. I'm sure I'll have the exact same feelings towards this math class as I did to my law class. Even worse, I bet there'll be a lot of the same people in it... I'm realizing more and more how much I hate high school and it's systems. English is whatever. I'm dreading presentations and group work a whole fucking lot.

At least I have art.

Lengthy post is lengthy. I feel weird posting here, and using names, because I have no idea who reads this. This post feels like a dud. Oh well.