rinse & rinse, repeat.

What I really don't understand is how I'm supposed to go back to school... back to going through the motions. Back to pretending to care about things like schoolwork, because that's how I'll have a good future... back to pretending I have any shred of hope for my future at all. Golly I can't wait to return to running on empty, every single day.

I can't deny myself being alive through my alienation.

Say Anything^ yes, okay.

Say Anything is just about the only thing keeping me from losing my mind lately. Yesterday was, what should have been (was indeed?), a good day... I spent the afternoon with Jake and it was fantastic. Then I went to pre drink at Nigel's with his sister and Korrin. They have 3 cats and a cat clock. We sat in his room listening to 100 ways to love a cat and it was tons of fun. I almost wish we had just stayed there all night. But then Korrin and I went to lavish (on the rooftop patio!!~!~) and there, I hung out with Kristin (plus her girlfriend, and their clan?), Amber, Sky and our old friend... Vicky. I have not missed her, no sir. From there, it was a fun time... I guess. I think it was only fun because I was drunk. And then there were shenanigans that I cannot blog about. Thankfully, they didn't involve me, but I did have to babysit and watch one of my friends be really fucking stupid.

I don't think I care to go to lavish anymore... at least not to the all ages nights. Maybe I'll go when I'm actually of age, but right now, it's not so fun. I know too many people there and I feel extremely uncomfortable there now. I liked lavish when going was about having fun, dancing with my friends, listening to la roux. Merr.

I don't really care for partying at all anymore... I guess it depends on who I'm with. My birthday's coming up and I was thinking about having a decent sized party, but now I don't really want to... I don't think I really care to do anything for my birthday in general. I don't feel like celebrating. I don't think there's really much to celebrate.

I guess I'm kind of in a slump. I'm never happy when I'm by myself anymore. I can't even be by myself anymore because the second I'm alone I just get swamped with worryworryworry and can't do anything but cry about it or distract myself. I don't know what to do.

rant about school.

Haven't blogged in a while. Mostly just because I've either been really busy, really tired, or really sad. I don't like blogging when I'm sad because then when I skim through previous posts months from now I'll see this constant wave of sadness throughout my blog and think about how much I suck for being sad all the time. I've had this blog since 2010 and I hate thinking I've remained miserable for 2+ years. But I know that's not true, I've certainly had a lot of good days and good posts. Alas, this is not one of the better posts. But I'll just recap my life as of lately.

I went to chicago from the 12th-17th and it was a nice city. I liked seeing the pretty, unique houses in the south side. I went on a lot of tours and for once, found history pretty interesting. I also rode a segway and it changed my life... not actually, but it was tons of fun and I wish I could buy one. Too bad they cost almost as much as a not-too-expensive car. The week before that I played a lot of pokemon stadium which was fantastic. I hope I still play pokemon twenty years from now. The end of my week was spent helping out with Jake's mom's stag and doe. It was at call the office on Friday and Saturday and there were some decent punk bands playing. Her fiance was the singer in two of them, and they were actually pretty successful in their day. That was a lot of fun and I guess his family loves me now. Awesome, brownie points for Mandy. Plus it's the closest thing to a show that I've been to in over a year now... I miss concerts big time, can't believe I haven't been to a single one this summer.

When I got back from Chicago I went to a surprise party for my brother's girlfriend. Spent most of the time with Jake and my brother's friend Christien, plus his girlfriend. Other than that, it was super awkward and I've decided I don't particularly like my brother's girlfriend. But I mean... oh well, as long as she makes him happy.

Now summer's coming to an end and I've hardly slept all week because I've been too busy sitting up being anxious all night. To say I'm dreading school is an understatement. I'm looking forward to making art, not looking forward to being surrounded by people while doing it. Not looking forward to critiques, attempting to explain what I created, then having blank faces silently question why I'm even there. Not looking forward to grade 12 english one bit, especially if it's as bad as grade 11 english was. Fortunately, Michelle's in my art class again and in my writer's craft, Korrin's in my sociology class and I have a spare second semester. So, it could be worse... the only thing I need to worry about is... the bus ride, first thing in the morning, possibly having to speak in my classes, the 5 minutes between ringing bells, art class, lunches, the bus ride home... yeah, more on bus rides:

I thought because I moved closer into the city I might not have to take a school bus and instead the school will provide me with bus tickets because I'm in the art program... nope. I have to take a school bus. Another fucking school bus. Does. Not. Want. I hate people. What if my bus is crowded? What if I have to sit beside someone? They're all going to stare when I get on the bus. Heaven forbid it should be like my old bus, where they all stare and either yell at me (which I don't hear because I have my headphones in) or say whoknowswhat about me. I just hate being seen. I hate existing in the presence of others'. I can't even handle it and it only gets worse every year.

Another shitty thing about school. Last year it wasn't quite as horrible because I didn't know anyone at Beal. I didn't care who I sat next to in my classes on the first day because they didn't know me and I didn't know them. They had no reason to dislike me or think I'm weird other than any opinion solely based on my appearance. Now I somewhat know (or know of) the people in my classes but I certainly can't call any of them friends. I know that majority of these people, I have no desire to become friends with. I don't even think this is making sense. At least I only have one class without a friend in it (lucky, much?) but it just so happens to be the class where I'm required to socialize the most. I'm terrified my teacher won't be as lenient as my last and let me do group projects by myself. At least with that teacher, a huge part of my excuse was that I was new and didn't know anyone. It's been a year. Can I still say I don't know anyone? It's still true. I don't know. Just, ugh. I wish I could be happy and excited about this being my last year, but thing is, it's probably not. I'll probably do an extra year of art, which means even once I graduate I still won't be free.

Oh, plus, having 5th period spare and having to take a school bus home means I get to wait around for all of last period to go home... if the school provided me with bus tickets, I'd get to go home at 1:20... WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE.

Fuck everything. I can't even think about school anymore, it's making me sick. I never want to leave this bedroom.

I had an amazing time in Quebec and it was nearly a perfect week. Things have been pretty good since I got back, too... I went to Jake's mom's bridal shower and met a bunch of his family, hung out with ALEXANDER because he's finally home (BIG YAY..and emily and connor too) and hung out with a new friend who goes to my school. I am mentioning all this briefly to prove that I am not a miserable person who is miserable all the time, because my last post was very positive and a week and a half after that was very positive... I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself in my own blog, but I'm doing it anyway. But, yeah I may post something with more detail about Quebec later when I'm in a better mood, but not right now...

I can't do a single fucking thing anymore without someone making me feel like shit about it. I don't get it. I think I'm supposed to spend these shitty years in a cardboard box reading the bible or something... but no, I'm not supposed to, because obviously that would mean I'm a close-minded homophobe.

I'm trying so hard to please as many people as possible lately, but that's just fucking impossible because everyone has a completely opposite view from the other person. Not to mention my uncle is visiting this weekend and apparently he talks to my mom like we're both "drunk sex fiends". GREAT, MORE JUDGEMENT. Everyone just fuck right off and let me think for myself.
fnjdkgnkdfgnrtkjngkrjgnek fucking double standardsss. My brain is so frustrated right now, I thought blogging would help but it's just making it harder to form sentences. I'm so stressed I want to get high, but I can't do that, because if you do drugs you're automatically a bad person, so instead I'll just do something else stupid that'll make me feel like shit later. Okay.

happyhappy state of mind!

Last night I had a ridiculously low night. It was the kind of night that doesn't creep along too often but when it does, it means business. I dealt with it though, one way or another, and kinda bonded with someone from my school. We ended up talking until 6am, having really good conversation about our own beliefs, hopes, disappointments, etc. It even got kind of philosophical. We have pretty different perspectives on some things which really carried the conversation nicely, and I was very impressed to learn he's quite the intelligent fella. I suppose I kind of misjudged him a bit ago when we first started talking. I hope we can stay friends. I need a few real friends at that school of mine.
Anyway, after that interesting night, I had a half hour nap and went to Jason's memorial mass. It was sad, I was braindead, and it made me miss him (and last summer) a lot, but it was... different. At first, it seemed as though no time had passed at all since his funeral in that same church last year. But I thought about it, socialized a tad with some of his friends and family... it was interesting (and comforting) to see how they've all been coping over the past year. Obviously the hurt is still there, he is still missed, but today was about celebrating him and learning to live without him and accept his death. It's still not fair, nor does it make sense that he was taken from us so early but now I understand some things just won't ever make sense. I'm super tired right now, so I can't elaborate a lot, but I really did learn about acceptance today, moving on, and holding old memories dear. Urrrg I'm too braindead to finish this thought. I'm just glad I knew Jason for the short time I did, overjoyed for all the lovely people who's lives he touched, and not going to forget him. He'll always be missed.
So Korrin and I hung out with aforementioned people for a while, then just us, which was decent. We haven't really hung out while sober for quite some time. It was nice just talking about whatever, as we ventured our way around the city. Later we met up with Justin and his friend Kurt for a bit which was cool. Not much to say about all that, just glad to be around beal people and not anxious for once.
Then I went to Jake's for a while. We were both in pretty shitty moods at first, but then we got talking and everything just kind of  made sense after a bit. Obviously it's early, but I'm pretty happy with dat boy. I'm actually pretty decently comfortable around him, which I know I never was around any previous boys. He's seen me in my darker moods, crying and messy, and he's also seen me laughing hysterically at complete nonsense for 15 minutes when I've been overtired. I like that I can be either extreme of my own personality around him. I like being honest with him. But, yeah, we spent a few lazy hours together and it was a good way to end the day, especially with my being exhausted from everything and leaving tomorrow. I mean, not all our days are lazy, we do some cool shit sometimes, but yeah... everything's just really balanced and makes sense right now.
Strange thought, his mom invited me to her bridal shower. Like, whaaat. I've never been to a bridal shower. Apparently she really likes me, which is fucking awesome. She's easily one of the coolest parents I've ever met, all hip with the kids and their punk rock and stuff. Not many parents I've met have ever liked me enough to invite me to things. She kind of reminds me of Alexander's mom like that, who is another fabulous person.

And meow, I must wake up at 5am tomorrow to take 3 trains to Quebec City. I suppose I'll be arriving at 9pm. I'm really excited to get away from London for a week. I'm leaving things on a pretty good note and I hope everything remains this pleasant when I return next week. For once, I'm not anxious, or wanting to get out of london just for the sake of escaping my life. I'm really curious to see what comes of Quebec, feeling cautiously optimistic about it all. I'm tired and not sure if I'll be updating this while I'm gone, so... yeah, bye for meow blogger. Sorry the ~flow~ of this sucked. Oh well.

be productive, be productive.

Last week I had a first and then a second interview at a Tim Horton's near my house. I think it went well. I know they called at least one of my references... I guess I'll find out sometime this coming week whether or not I'm hired. A job would be nice.
Since my last post, things have been pretty good. I went to Gaby's one day to go swimming and she had a handful of STA people over. It was nice seeing her and others, nice to go swimming, nice to sit outside chatting and drinking tea, nicenicenice after a day of hanging out with Emily prior to.
What have I been doing since? I hung out with Jake, his brother and their friend. That was okay. We generally just sit around and play video games which I don't mind. He also finally met my mother, brother and uncle (he was visiting this weekend). That went decently, I think they liked him. Then we went to a party at Korrin's. Maaan, I put him through a lot that day... meeting three of my family members, one of my best friends, and a handful of my other good friends, no pressure... not to mention he's straightedge and was the only sober person there. and he's also shy. hahaha. I admire dat dedication. I had a fun night though, except for when I drank too much. At least I was among friends, Jake didn't hate me for it and I didn't do anything too horrible. Overall, not much desire to drink again any time soon though. Still a fun night though.
Yesterday I went to sunfest! I got a handful of rings and a few bracelets. It was a nice evening and I really liked the music. This is strange and out of character for sober Mandy, but I really just wanted to go dance. Loud, fun music is a fabulous thing. I really want to go to a rave soon and lose myself in pleasant vibes and whatnot.
Alas, I live in London where raves just don't happen. :c Maybe someday.

I've also been drawing a little. I'm going to get some collage supplies on Tuesday and maybe go to a gallery or two this week. I miss frequently being surrounded by art! On another note, I am also thoroughly pleased with my new house and location. Convenience is a wonderful thing. Okay, goodbye.

Finally moved in, things are starting to come together.
There's soo much happening this week, gah. I really hope everything works out.
jfksdnfknkjdsf I shall blog about it all later. Why do I bother with posts like these?