I feel so strange. I can't quite remember the last time I felt like this...

I have so much trouble expressing myself lately.. I can hardly answer any simple question, I feel so distanced. Here's my lame attempt at describing my exact emotions.

In a way, I feel like a shell. Or like an altered Mandy, peeking out of some shell she doesn't belong in. It's like I feel everything so intensely- I'm empty, but I'm aching. I'm anxious and lonely and questioning my worth, and questioning everything, and analyzing everything. I'm having more trouble opening up than ever. I feel like... let's say my emotions were inside something... It's as though a stranger layer has been added to this arrangement of emotions, and this layer has an on/off switch for my emotions... Someone flipped the off switch. It's the outer layer though, so sometimes it seems like I don't feel anything at all. But the inside layer is like a really horrible hurricane, or volcano, or something else destructive. Meanwhile this shell of a body that I'm in is withholding this... I don't know how to put this into words.

I don't know. I really don't know. Even that stupid paragraph is making no sense.

I really, really don't know. But it hurts. Somewhere in there, it hurts a lot. I haven't felt like this in so long. I can't tell if it's all due to Jason's death, or a billion other things.

After the first visitation we went to see horrible bosses... it was REALLY funny, but I couldn't couldn't laugh. I could barely smile. Normally, I would've been crying from laughing so hard, especially as I was with close friends... but I couldn't. I enjoyed it, but bkjdnfkjdf. Then we went to the second visitation and I completely shut down around just about anyone who wasn't Emily or Alia. I just sat in the basement with Alia, Nigel and a girl named Coral who I had just met and I didn't utter a word the entire time. It felt like public school or grade nine again. Alia and Nigel are two of my closest friends, but I just couldn't talk. Maybe it was because of Coral.

I do not know, time to stop blogging. I'm amazed at the fact that I've put this many sentences together.