pity party.

I DON'T WANT SCHOOL TOMORROW.
I don't like Beal. Even uniforms and sta jerks are better than Beal. Maybe I'm only thinking like that because I'm not there anymore, only remember the positive things, and I want what I can't have.. but really, I dread going to school. I wish I could have morning classes at STA, then art in the afternoon at Beal. That's totally possible, isn't it.
fnjdgnkdfngkdf
Almost a whole school year has passed and all Beal's done has corrupt me (that, and I guess learn to love art a bit more). I've made one friend, that's it. Everyone else just puts up with me because I'm a 2-for-1 deal with Korrin. Sometimes when I'm working in the library alone during English I look up from my empty table at the nearby people and think things, like: none of these people see me or know my name. I could have gotten stabbed to death that morning and all those people would still be sitting there, in their exact same places, going about their exact same business and not be affected in the slightest. It wouldn't even be something kids might mention on the bus ride home. I'm a filled seat in the classroom, one more obstacle in a crowded hallway, nothing more. I do not exist. I don't know if it's terrible to think these things or if it's ordinary.

Either way, I fucking suck and I feel like shit. I hate myself and being alone and stupid people and crappy friends and not being able to even attempt to convince myself it's going to get better, because it isn't. I've given this eight months to get better, if it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to. I hardly talk to anyone from STA except Emily and thank god for that.

I just want to feel happy and valued by people, particularly people at school, who I can have classes with and spend lunches with and stuff but instead I get a permanent invisibility cloak to wander aimlessly in. fkdkgjndkjgndk

And now instead of sitting here and letting myself continue to cry about this, I'm gonna smoke weed until I can't feel feelings anymore... just another one of the wonderful things that's come out this stupid school swap. At least I'll do some art after.

also in re-reading this I have to come realize that I sound like a whiney 4 year old who scraped their knee at the park. no need to point that out.