Apparently I haven't blogged since december 8th? Where have I even been, I don't know.

I've been up to my ears working on art stuff. I sort of finished one sculpture, nearly finished a candleholder for jake's mom, nearly finished my lithography drawing, finished an etching... over the break I have to make another sculpture, make another etching, read a book for english, write a script for english and see people and stop being sad and stuff. Christmas was really nice. I have a ton of fabulous books I look forward to reading next semester, as well as some lovely new clothes aand a new laptop. I'm spoiled and stuff. Jake got me an exceptionally glorious coat, as well as netflix. Netflix is making it really difficult to be productive though, but oh well. Wow thinking of school is overwhelming. Today I'm giving alexander and emily their presents, I hope they like them and stuff. jnfdknfvksnsj I wish I hadn't just made that list of everything I have to do, now I'm overwhelmed. I'll manage jfnskjnfsdk okay.

I've also been hanging out with my friend Jordan at school at lot which has been awesome. We also went to a really awesome vintage store and I helped him pick out gifts for his girlfriend and he helped me pick out gifts for Jake. Teeeaamwork. We also exchanged christmas presents, it was delightful. I'm so glad to have another friend in the art program. We critique each others' work, yay woo. I've also been working a fair bit. I worked saturday, sunday and monday. My next shift is sunday and it's my first 6 hour shift, oh my oh my! I don't love my job, but I've gotten okay at it. It is what it is. I need money. I'm also on new medication. I think it makes me feel more numb than anything. It also gives me headaches. I guess we'll see how that goes.

I've also been thinking a lot lately about trust, and how to react to and connect with people in general. I never blogged about this in detail because I hate thinking about it and it makes me feel embarassed and like a worthless piece of shit. But, Jake's been cheating on me for a while, kind of. I found out a month ago, gave him hell for it and didn't budge until he was crying begging for forgiveness. It was a shitty experience. I guess he's stopped though? I'm giving him another chance which most people will find incredibly stupid. Obviously things haven't been the same since. I don't think they ever will be.

This made me think about how betrayed my mom felt when I was lying and drinking. I love my mom, I'm dead serious about that. But I've still lied to her since. I feel bad every time, but I like what I get up to, and it's just easier not having her constantly disappointed in me. Just because Jake lied to me, doesn't mean he doesn't love me? I don't know, this is getting so gay, I hate talking about feelings. I'll never really trust him again, I think. And I don't think my mom should ever trust me to be fully honest with her. It's heart breaking, but it's honest. Love can exist without trust. I think I'm deciding to stop trusting people all together. It's human nature for everyone to put themselves first in most cases. Never again will I believe that any human being should feel differently about me. I will no longer be surprised when someone lies to me or hurts me. It happens. I am a highly insignificant person who is going to accept that this is the way life is. I will still love people, and believe that they love me to some degree, but that is completely irrelevant to trust. Lies are inevitable and trust is a fantasy concept.

everything is just awesome

I'm having a good weekend but my mind won't let me enjoy it.
Yesterday I went to Emily's and made a sculpture. It was really awesome cause she's awesome and I love sculpting but then I went home and felt like death. I took a sleeping pill, shut the lights off and tried my best to zone out and sleep. I couldn't think straight for a single second, so I went numb until I could sleep. It was a good day though. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been sleeping a lot lately. I've been crying a lot lately. I hung out with my friend Jordan tonight. We wandered downtown then went to the mall where his one black friend joined us who was more awkward than I am. We adventured around, his friend left, then his girlfriend picked us up and drove me home. She was awesome, they're awesome, and it was a lovely night. But now I'm at home and I just feel so awful and alone that I'm debating going to sleep because it just hurts too much and my thoughts keep beating me up. I don't feel good and I don't know why. I'm feeling really bad, actually. Today was another great day. Tomorrow is going to be a great day because Jake's coming over. I can't feel good about anything anymore. If I do, it's so temporary that it doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like it matters because I don't feel like I matter. I'm kind of just really not feeling good lately, and every time things seem to feel okay for a bit, I'm proven wrong. I don't even feel alive anymore. I just do things, in some happy state that doesn't even feel like me, maybe it's not genuine, and then I stop doing things and feel bad and cry and sleep as much as possible and stuff. I'm just not real. I don't exist.

thoughts that occur less than 2 minutes after posting a picture: oh my jesus christ what the hell was i thinking this isn't a good picture at all
followed by listing everything I don't like about my appearance.
YAY, SELF ESTEEM.

Uuh, a lot has happened since my last post... let's see. I went to the doctor, she told me to come back in two weeks... still feeling like shit most days, and getting really sick of waiting and appointments and crap. I guess that's life though. I spent the weekend sleeping, working, babysitting and writing my english isp. It was due Monday but then it wasn't done so I typed it up Monday night and emailed it to my teacher, but I'm pretty sure she still considered it late which means I lost 10% which feels like the end of the world sometimes. Erg. I'm glad it's out of the way though, I feel a tad less stressed.

Art has been crazy busy. I think I only have 4 weeks left of my current classes which is just kinda... fuck. I'm supposed to have two sculptures done and I'm only half done my first one and we can't stay after school to work on stuff anymore... I would truly fail if I hadn't dropped that stupid challenge and change class. Best decision I ever made. I think I'll survive sculpture though, I have a timeline worked in my mind somewhat. I also have a lot of etching, litho and printing to worry about but I'm just not going to think about that right now otherwise my head might explode and I don't think my room would look very cute flooded in tears and splattered with brains.

Monday was a very strange day. Jake and I got into another fight, and I was stressed about sculpture and my english isp so that day was kind of awful. I finished my isp and the sculpture's still well underway and my issue with Jake is mostly resolved, thankfully. It's kind of difficult for me to be happy in our relationship now though... I think I am on the surface, but deep down I'm very conflicted about it. I really hope things can go back to how they were a month ago with him.

Tuesday was a fabulous day, somewhat. I spent the first two periods working on etching and talking to my teacher a lot. Turns out he's good friends with my great uncle who used to teach in bealart. He shared a bunch of stories, and then told me a bunch of stories about many other artists and musicians he knows, and we even got a bit philosophical at one point. He's seriously such an interesting person and inspiring artist. I feel like I get a mini history lesson every time I talk to him. That made me really happy, because I rarely talk to anyone other than Michelle at school. I greatly prefer talking to teachers over students. Anyway, at lunch and for part of my spare, I hung out with my friend Jordan again. We hang out once or twice a week now which also makes me happy. It's nice to have a new friend, and we have a lot in common. He's in the art program too. Yaaaay friends, wow I'm lame. Unfortunately when I went to English I started feeling terribleterribleterrible, and it only got worse on the bus. I went to sleep as soon as I got home, woke up to go to guitar, was kind of shitty at playing, then I went home and back to bed, though it took me hours to fall asleep.

The following morning was worse. I'm pretty sure I had a nightmare or something (I've been having a lot of those lately) and I woke up late and missed my bus. The city buses were really annoying that morning, so I got to school around nine and was feeling crappy, but I instantly felt better when I saw Michelle. We worked on litho and blasted radiohead in the studio all morning. It was lovely! Then I had lunch with Jake and his friends, which wasn't so lovely. I don't like his friends when they're all together. They're nice people individually, but something about putting guys together just makes for a douchebagfest sometimes. Or maybe I was just feeling extra sensitive that day. I sat with Justin and worked on my etching over my spare which was okay. English made me miserable though. More miserable than usual. I can't explain it, but by the time I got on the bus I was ready to breakdown in tears. I didn't though, because I was with Michelle and I hate crying in front of people. So I hugged my backpack and looked out the window. It just kept getting worse and worse when I got home. I couldn't stop thinking about suicide. The idea was just there and so firm and my mind was hurting me so horribly. I couldn't cry or listen to music, I just laid in my bed and felt awful for a few hours. Korrin texted me saying she could go to The Faceless show, but I felt so miserable that I didn't want to move and cancelled on her. Then I realized I'd been looking forward to it for a month and I would probably regret not going, so I somehow found the will to get out of bed, get ready and go. I'm so glad I did. The concert was fucking awesome. All of the bands were really good, and I saw some people I hadn't seen in a while. I moshed during the faceless in a pit consisting of decently big men and two other girls. It was so fantastic to just get lost in aggressively appreciating the music. Someone fell on my ankle and it twisted weirdly and hurt a lot, so I was limping on the way home and all this morning. It's fine now though. I also bashed heads with someone which hurt a retarded amount, but other than that, I'm alive! I miss shows and moshing so ridiculously much. It made me feel a thousand times better.

Now we're up to this morning. I was freaking out for a bit of first period, feeling terrible and frantic again, but then I got really into my sculpture and worked on it for almost 4 hours. The skull is basically done! Now I just have to make the tentacles, so I think it shall be ready to be fired on Monday. Then I can start my second sculpture. I think I'm going to make a person that is kind of like a mermaid, but instead of having a fin, it has tentacles and the tentacles are going to be strangling said person. It was inspired by my shitty mood, representing self destruction. I guess I have a bit of an octopus theme going, fun stuff. Around 12:30, my mom picked me up and we went to prince al's. Then I bought Jake's Christmas present. It's frickin' fantastic. After that, I went to my first therapy meeting. I was really nervous about it at first and have been contemplating cancelling it for the longest time because I just didn't want to talk. It wasn't so bad though. The waiting room is kind of... strange. It feels like they tried too hard to make it seem like home, which is supposed to be comforting, but is for some reason more off-putting. I went into a dimly lit room to talk to one of the doctors and I was horribly anxious but she was kind of easy to talk to. I felt more comfortable around her than any other doctor I've ever talked to. The way she listened to my answers and further elaborated on what she guessed I was feeling... it's hard to explain, but she knew so well what I was going through that I almost asked her is she had social anxiety and depression too. She was also the first doctor to make me feel like I was genuinely important. All the other doctors make both issues sound like they're not a big deal, just because of how common they are. This lady was frickin' awesome though. I guess in a week or so, I'm going to start seeing a therapist. I also have a meeting with a social worker later this month. I don't know. All this treatment stuff is really weird and scary, but I guess I'm happy it's finally happening. I've been dealing with these feelings since 5th grade and they've only gotten more intense through the years. I'm kind of terrified by the idea of breaking out of this awful mindset and constant sadness, but I guess it's going to be a good thing.

There's my super long post of everything lately. I'm still feeling really stressed and worried right now, but I'm trying not to be. I'm going to fill out a questionnaire from my therapy place now. Goodnight blogger.

This feeling always used to pass, but it seems like it's every day and night now. Hurry up and make it Wednesday so I can go back to my doctor and she can give a different magic pill the chance to fix me.

Ugh, things lately... Friday I had my first art history class and it was fantastic. I love the teacher I have for that. It was a fun class. This post feels terrible, I don't know. I spent lunch and my spare with my friend Jordan again, smoking and talking and whatever. It was fabulous fun and was a good distraction from things...

After school I hung out with Jake which was painful and terrible and ugh. Long story short, he cried a lot, we almost broke up, his mom gave him hell and is making him see a councellor, I'm giving him another chance and it hurts and I feel stupid about it and I don't want to blog about him anymore. I've been feeling really crappy since, so I've been getting a lot of sleep and watching a lot of mindless television. I went to my bffl's house but I started feeling crappy really quickly, so I can't say that was all that fantastic, regardless of the lovely people there.

I have to work in an hour and a half and I'm completely dreading it. I don't know how to psych myself up for it or anything. I feel beaten down, and I think working is just going to make that worse. This is negative as hell, but I feel like my days there are numbered.... I suck. I just want to have a nap, do some art, have another nap, more art, go to bed and then wake up to a Monday that doesn't suck. I have a lot to do tomorrow... blah. Bye blogger.

Things are even stranger lately... last night I found out something crappy about Jake and it hurt me so much that I've told him not to talk to me for a bit. He called at least 15 times last night, sent a bunch of texts and a message trying to apologize but I don't want to hear it. I'm just... so incredibly let down. And I don't trust him one bit. I think at this moment it'd be very easy for me to break up with him and feel happy about it... but I also know that it'd only be short term happiness and long term sadness. So I'm not going to, but I think it'll be quite a while before things with him start to feel okay again. Luckily I didn't see him today, so avoiding him has been easy and not dwelling on the pain has also been kind of easy. I had a busy day.

This morning I worked on my sculpture until about 10:50, then I went to the library to talk to Korrin about what happened with Jake. Lunch starts at 11:15, and I hung out with someone! His name's Jordan and we've been texting buddies since the start of summer but we've only hung out once for less than an hour and our conversations at school are always brief. He's a full day art kid, so I do see him around a lot. Today he invited me to blaze at lunch with him, which I agreed to, because I have 4th spare so it'd be okay. We sat behind a flower shop smoking and talking until about halfway through 4th and it was a lot of fun. I hope he thought so, too. I really want to become better friends with him because he appreciates art like I do and we have other things in common, too. So, yeah... that was fun, and made me happy. And it took my mind off Jake. For the rest of 4th I sat with korrin in the computers class we always hang out in then wrote a test during 5th. I was sober by then, but I didn't study much so I'm almost certain I failed. It's just one test though, so whatever.

After school I worked on a ceramic project that I started last week. It was also very useful for taking my mind off Jake. The project's coming along really nicely, too. Later tonight I went to a doctor's appointment and told her my pills are making me feel worse, because they are. She said to go back in a week and if I'm still feeling awful, I'll have to start taking something else. I also start counseling on december 6th. Joy, oh joy. I think I'll go to bed early now. Goodnight.