Day 10
I wish I talked to my friend Alia more.
I know I already talked about this in my previous post, but I hung out with her a lot yesterday, and... y'know, we clicked. We're just relateable. She's honest and insightful. I can trust her. When I was with her, I wanted to tell her stuff, and I wanted to hear what she had to say. She was like... a good friend. And, I've been lacking that. I have friends of course, and I have people I can talk to. My bffl can easily be trusted, I know that. If I want to talk about something, he's typically the first person that comes to mind. I could talk to my other best friend, but I know she'll tell it all to another friend, and that friend will tell others. Actually, it's that way with all my friends, except one who I don't even talk to that much anymore. I could also talk to Jesus (not the one everyone prays to, mine) but... that's the thing. The only people I can talk to and trust are guys. I don't want to sound sexist, guys are wonderful, I'm so thankful for my bffl and Jesus, they're great people. But, y'know, every girl needs a female best friend. Well, not necessarily best friend, but a girl to talk to. Other than their mom. And one that they can actually trust. I used to have three, now I have one I never see, one I don't see as much, and one I can't trust. Wow, I've really rambled.

Anyway, Alia's great to talk to, and tons of fun.

Dear Alia,
I really admire your honesty. We have some great things in common, and I bet you have some good insight. You're a fun person, and I hope to see more of you. Also, I'm talking to you on msn right now. I guess I don't need to "wish" to talk to you more, because it's already happening. Go me.
From, Mandy.

I know I sound obsessed with the concept of making friends. I probably am.

Also, I just read my bffls latest entry, and I must say, I completely understand. I used to be a more busy person. I'd stay home and do nothing once a week basically. I'd be out kind of late, and lovin it. I don't do that anymore. I used to go to concerts, and it felt good. I could kind of move with the music, and scream until my lungs caught fire. I don't do that anymore. It's too much about the scene, for a lot of people. Fuck the scene, I want music. Anyway, group hangouts are scarce. I mostly just hang out with Emily, and sometimes another person is with us. And then once or twice a week I hangout with Jesus. Maybe I'm diminishing it, but I'm surely not like one friend. I swear she's never home for more than 4 hours, unless she's sleeping. Kind of envious of that. Sometimes it gets to the point where I feel desperate to have friends. YES, I will consume mass amounts of alcohol with you, smoke myself to cancer, get in to a series of shenanigans, and then later find myself tagged in particularly bemeaning photos on Facebook. I'd absolutely love to, if only you'll promise we can do it again sometime soon.

Pathetic, isn't it? Could I really stoop so low?
No, of course not. That's no way to live, is it? Letting go of everything doesn't mean living life to the fullest, it means letting go of LIFE. Life isn't all fun, there's the serious aspect of it all as well, don't you think? My father died from that monster alcohol, I couldn't let myself sink like that. I've watched people fall apart because of drugs. The low isn't worth the high.
I wouldn't just be letting down the many people around me, I'd be letting down myself. I'd be disappointing my mother, spitting on my father's corpse, putting my brother to shame, losing my friends, the list goes on. Couldn't do that.

Surely I'm not the only person like this. Edge kids can have fun too, right? Of course they can, most people are just too ignorant to realize it. Perhaps I should arrange for a fire with some friends, or to go bowling. Yeah, that. Or, y'know, just simply playing with fire. IT'S FUN, OKAY?

So you can blow your peer pressure, rippin fat seshes, STIs and abortions, and forgotten drunken nights OUT OF YOUR ASS.

This was a long entry. Goodnight.