Standard post about things lately is standard... why do I bother.
I never blogged about last friday or whatever week that was and probably won't because I'm lazy and it's not fresh in my mind anymore. It's melted and dwindled into the ashes of my other memories and unless I get a goddamn pensieve or anything, it's bound to stay that way. Yeah... I don't know what I've done all week and if there was anything worth blogging about up until Thursday. Probably not. I don't do much but sleep, go to school, take naps, eat and go to the gym. Woopwoop. Thursday I finally had my orientation though. It was okay. The lady who works there was really nice and there was only one other new employee. She'll be working deli too, so I should probably not dislike her, but she's kind of annoying. Her and her sister both went to STA and both work there and they're the same person and not smart or interesting and kind of annoying and holy shit I'm being mean. At least they're both nice people who I don't feel uncomfortable around, so that's a bonus. I like my department head. She speaks like 5 or 6 languages and is really loud and kind of awesome. Michal works in deli too so yaaay. I think there's two other girls in deli, but I've never met them. Hopefully they're okay. Angelos seems like an okay place. My first shift is Monday. I don't have any others yet, but my dept head said she'd give me more as I complete my shifts and get more comfortable and experienced. I've heard she's fair about giving hours which is awesome.
After I went to my orientation I had a doctor's appointment. We talked about my anxiety and depression and other things and it was kind of merrr. I don't much like my doctor, something about her personality bothers me. She kept telling me I wasn't special for being depressed, which I know that, and she was probably trying to make me feel less alone but she worded it really weirdly and kind of made me feel stupid and insignificant and like I don't have real problems so I should shut the fuck up and get over myself. Then when my mom came back in the room, she almost completely changed tones. I guess, whatever, she does her job so I'll put up with her and crap... the verdict was I'm taking prozac now and on a waiting list to see someone to talk about anxiety stuff. So far I don't feel any different. Maybe a tad more awake in the morning but that's it. I have to see her again in three weeks to decide if she should increase my dosage.
I keep seeing this post on tumblr showing a bottle of antidepressants and the words "I don't want to depend on you". I think that's kind of silly, because a lot of depressed people usually end up self medicating with drugs and alcohol anyway. I figure if you can try and help yourself out, you should take the route that lets you be sober all day, rather than be out of your mind for a few hours and then back to feeling shitty afterwards. I like consistency.
With the whole being grounded thing, I'm really goddamn lonely. I've been spending a lot of time with Jake which obviously I enjoy and am thankful for, but I need other relationships with other lovely people... I mostly just miss Emily and Alexander because they're perf and my bestiest best friends out of anyone else. I always wish I could make new friends. There's a guy in the art program that mostly I just text, but he's a pretty cool person and I want to hang out with him. I want a new friendship! I can't build friendships if I can't see people though. I want to be around new people and actually socialize ;-;
Two people talked to me in the dark room yesterday and I was so happy and scared at the same time, it's a good thing it's so dark in there... my face turned bright red and when I turned away I was almost grinning. I know that sounds like a pathetic reaction to a 60 second conversation but nobody at school ever talks to me and it made me feel like I actually existed. Someone wrote in my tumblr that everyone thinks I hate them which made me feel kind of sad, although it's my fault I'm perceived that way. I just... fuck. I don't want to be alone anymore. I miss going to STA and having an actual GROUP of friends so goddamn much, it's (at the risk of sounding cheesy) truly painful. jdfngdkfjnsd I'm going to start crying if I think about it anymore. I hate being alone I hate being alone I hate being alone I don't want to be a hermit and grow up old and alone. I was talking to Jake's mom one night when she was driving me home and her and her hubby had been fighting and she's been really sad lately so she was fighting tears the whole time. She's not happy in her marriage, she practically gets bullied at work (at age 40! fuck life) and doesn't have any real friends or close family. The fact that she's 23 years older than me and is still dealing with the same shit I deal with today is the most depressing thing ever. She used to get bullied badly in grade 7 too, just like I did. I'm so terrified I'm going to grow up and continue to be miserable.
That's a main concept that's been on my mind for the past few weeks. That stupid saying about high school being the best years of your life honestly just makes me want to drop dead most nights. I can't fucking deal if it never gets better than this. I cry almost every fucking night. There's no way life stays like this, or gets worse. That just doesn't make sense to me. If it were true, the suicide rate would be much higher. Maybe at some in adulthood, a part of our brains commit suicide. We stop dreaming, stop hoping, and get sucked down into the shit hole part of society that says a house in the suburbs with money, kids, and vacations to tropical places means happiness. The person who came up with that fucking idea ought to be beaten. Not actually, because I don't condone violence, but just... ugh. I don't ever want to get like that. I want to travel, experience things, learn, expand my mind and be a selfish bastard without kids, just as long as it means not throwing away my ambitions. I really think I'd rather die instead of living "the american dream".
This was supposed to be a happy post about my life turning around for the better because I have a job now, am not constantly under any influences, hopefully going to feel better some day thanks to prozac, will be done stressful photo and illustration classes next week and get to start doing ceramics after school again, but somehow I got lost and dragged down again, as usual.. I'm sorry, I suck. (and I've been saying those last 4 words a lot lately.)
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