weekendweekendweekend.

Today I saw silent hill (the new one) with jake then we went to a show. First we were at his mom's house for a bit and it was freezing out and I was underdressed so she lent me a few articles of clothing and I felt awesome. Jake's mom has the coolest style ever, and it's a good thing I don't just live there cause otherwise I'd probably never wear anything of my own ever again. Seriously, she's awesome. I was feeling really anxious about going to the show and being around people, but wearing someone else's clothes makes me feel like I'm in a costume which makes me feel less like myself which helps. That's why I love halloween. Anyway, we went and I was still anxious but I dealt with it. The show was in Jake's bandmate's garage in a crappy part of town. We got there a bit late and had to leave a bit early, so I only saw one full set but the band I saw the most of was incredible. They destroyed their drum set by the end of their set and were just fucking ridiculous to watch, having absolute musical meltdowns in this tiny garage packed with a small group of people who just really like local music. They kind of reminded me of a much crazier la dispute. They were just so insane and still sounded so amazing and it's really made me miss going to shows. That was one band who really put their hearts into what they do. We also hung out in a nearby taco bell for a bit with Jake's friends who I don't know well. They talked about people I don't know and reminisced about past events that I couldn't relate to. I didn't talk much. I've been thinking a lot. I've been so out of touch with reality lately.

This part of me doesn't mind being alone most of the time, but this other part of me is dying to be social... to do things like go to shows, go to parties, hang out with groups of friends again... I really miss it. I think my fondest memories were in grade 9 and 10 when I actually felt like part of a group. I think I convince myself that I like being secluded and alone in my reveries because it upsets me too much to think about how I miss people and how I'm such a screw up who can't converse with anyone. It's definitely upsetting me now. When the band was playing, I felt incredibly detached. I used to love going to shows so much because I felt a sense of community and belonging. While I did enjoy the music, all I could think about tonight was how horribly alone I felt in the small room packed with people.

I'm going to try and sleep now. It's 1am and I have to wake up at 6. I did have a good night though.