Ugh, things lately... Friday I had my first art history class and it was fantastic. I love the teacher I have for that. It was a fun class. This post feels terrible, I don't know. I spent lunch and my spare with my friend Jordan again, smoking and talking and whatever. It was fabulous fun and was a good distraction from things...
After school I hung out with Jake which was painful and terrible and ugh. Long story short, he cried a lot, we almost broke up, his mom gave him hell and is making him see a councellor, I'm giving him another chance and it hurts and I feel stupid about it and I don't want to blog about him anymore. I've been feeling really crappy since, so I've been getting a lot of sleep and watching a lot of mindless television. I went to my bffl's house but I started feeling crappy really quickly, so I can't say that was all that fantastic, regardless of the lovely people there.
I have to work in an hour and a half and I'm completely dreading it. I don't know how to psych myself up for it or anything. I feel beaten down, and I think working is just going to make that worse. This is negative as hell, but I feel like my days there are numbered.... I suck. I just want to have a nap, do some art, have another nap, more art, go to bed and then wake up to a Monday that doesn't suck. I have a lot to do tomorrow... blah. Bye blogger.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Things are even stranger lately... last night I found out something crappy about Jake and it hurt me so much that I've told him not to talk to me for a bit. He called at least 15 times last night, sent a bunch of texts and a message trying to apologize but I don't want to hear it. I'm just... so incredibly let down. And I don't trust him one bit. I think at this moment it'd be very easy for me to break up with him and feel happy about it... but I also know that it'd only be short term happiness and long term sadness. So I'm not going to, but I think it'll be quite a while before things with him start to feel okay again. Luckily I didn't see him today, so avoiding him has been easy and not dwelling on the pain has also been kind of easy. I had a busy day.
This morning I worked on my sculpture until about 10:50, then I went to the library to talk to Korrin about what happened with Jake. Lunch starts at 11:15, and I hung out with someone! His name's Jordan and we've been texting buddies since the start of summer but we've only hung out once for less than an hour and our conversations at school are always brief. He's a full day art kid, so I do see him around a lot. Today he invited me to blaze at lunch with him, which I agreed to, because I have 4th spare so it'd be okay. We sat behind a flower shop smoking and talking until about halfway through 4th and it was a lot of fun. I hope he thought so, too. I really want to become better friends with him because he appreciates art like I do and we have other things in common, too. So, yeah... that was fun, and made me happy. And it took my mind off Jake. For the rest of 4th I sat with korrin in the computers class we always hang out in then wrote a test during 5th. I was sober by then, but I didn't study much so I'm almost certain I failed. It's just one test though, so whatever.
After school I worked on a ceramic project that I started last week. It was also very useful for taking my mind off Jake. The project's coming along really nicely, too. Later tonight I went to a doctor's appointment and told her my pills are making me feel worse, because they are. She said to go back in a week and if I'm still feeling awful, I'll have to start taking something else. I also start counseling on december 6th. Joy, oh joy. I think I'll go to bed early now. Goodnight.
This morning I worked on my sculpture until about 10:50, then I went to the library to talk to Korrin about what happened with Jake. Lunch starts at 11:15, and I hung out with someone! His name's Jordan and we've been texting buddies since the start of summer but we've only hung out once for less than an hour and our conversations at school are always brief. He's a full day art kid, so I do see him around a lot. Today he invited me to blaze at lunch with him, which I agreed to, because I have 4th spare so it'd be okay. We sat behind a flower shop smoking and talking until about halfway through 4th and it was a lot of fun. I hope he thought so, too. I really want to become better friends with him because he appreciates art like I do and we have other things in common, too. So, yeah... that was fun, and made me happy. And it took my mind off Jake. For the rest of 4th I sat with korrin in the computers class we always hang out in then wrote a test during 5th. I was sober by then, but I didn't study much so I'm almost certain I failed. It's just one test though, so whatever.
After school I worked on a ceramic project that I started last week. It was also very useful for taking my mind off Jake. The project's coming along really nicely, too. Later tonight I went to a doctor's appointment and told her my pills are making me feel worse, because they are. She said to go back in a week and if I'm still feeling awful, I'll have to start taking something else. I also start counseling on december 6th. Joy, oh joy. I think I'll go to bed early now. Goodnight.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
on a less depressing note.
It's been an interesting weekend. On Friday I slept in and spent the afternoon downtown with Jake. He took me to prince al's, we went to the library and heroes, walked through the park and then he went to work. After that I went into a few stores on richmond then went home, watched a movie and got a decent amount of sleep (I think?). I have now figured out almost almost all the christmas presents I'm getting for people and am going to do Christmas shopping on friday or saturday :3 I'm excited. When I went to sleep friday night I had the strangest dream.. a lot happened.
A large portion of beal went on a field trip somewhere and we didn't get back until 3am. For some reason when we got back to school, korrin was really drunk and decided to run around naked. Some girl I don't know drove me and Michelle home but she was really clueless. Michelle got out of the car after about 20 minutes and walked home. I think I caught a magical ltc bus somehow. Maybe not. I know I got to my area around 4am. I went to Shell and ran into some girls from my class. One of them was really excited to see me and we sat down and talked for a bit. It turns out she lives near me and snuck out with her bike. (I think this part of the dream is referencing how desperately I want a friend to sit and talk with for ages. I miss that, and the girl in the dream was someone I know in real life who I wish I was friends with.) I went home to find Jake and his twin brother in my basement playing xbox. They said they were sleeping over. I was tired and didn't care and went to bed. When I woke up I played sims and found that they got rid of all of my favourite sim family's furniture and the sims were just wandering around burping in each others faces (that's funny because I think it references Jake's completely outrageous burps) but when they burped it looked like they were spewing out fire. The burp fire then turned into a sculpture of the person who's face they burped in, then turned into a pile of ashes. It was frickin weird. Later, my photography class went on a field trip to the beach... what? My photography teacher said we all had to go swimming to "wash all the terrible chemicals off". That's the most bullshit reason ever, but whatever. Something really weird happened in the water that I'm not going to blog about. I kind of just want to forget about that part. Later, I had a job at angelos and metro. I worked with a bunch of awesome friends, but the job at metro was just terrible. I was a greeter in the vegetable section and never had anything to do, so I just ate all the broccoli, which was actually asparagus in disguise and made me really sad. Then a customer came up to me and said "Are you even old enough to work here? You look like you're twelve." I sassed her out for that and told her I was sixteen. Which is kind of silly, because I'm seventeen. After that, the manager made me buy all the vegetables that didn't sell. There was many more interesting parts to the dream, but I think I've talked about it enough. I love having dreams like those. I'm always aware that I'm dreaming when it's happening near the end of them, so then it kind of feels like I'm watching a movie with myself as the main character, but I'm not seeing it from my point of view.
That dream blogging was longer than I intended it to be. Oops. Saturday, I sat around with my mom for 4 hours because we were both too lazy to move after we had breakfast so we just sat there and shot the shit. My mom's awesome. Later I went to a show that her boyfriend's band was playing in. The opening band kind of sucked, but her boyfriend's band was decent. It was in a banquet hall and majority of the people were old or middle aged which was kind of unfortunate, but overall it was an alright night.
Today I worked and it was terrible. I felt really anxious and stressed the entire time, like everyone was watching everything I was doing and nothing was right... even though I was kind of doing okay. I've even gotten a bit faster... not fast enough though, apparently. My department head told me I'm slowslowslow. I think I did pretty damn well, seeing as I've only worked there 3 weeks and I hadn't worked since my extremely slow 3 hour shift on Monday. She expects me to work as quickly as everyone else there. Everyone else has worked there for at least 3 months, much longer for most people, and a lot of them are full time. It's hard to get good at something when you get little practice. I don't mind not working a lot, but I wish I had at least 3 shifts a week, 3 or 4 hours long. Because I'm too slow, the only shift I have this week is a 4 hour shift on Sunday which kind of bothers me. I can't speed up without practice. I try really hard, and am practically running everywhere when I'm working.
Needless to say, I felt discouraged and awful when I got home. The stress of work, and all the stuff I have to do in my classes, plus other stress gave me a panic attack and it was possibly the worst one yet. It was terribleterribleterrible. I'm not going to elaborate. But once I finally calmed down, I thought about what I can do to make things easier and decided I'm going to drop my period 4 challenge and change class. I can still graduate this year if I drop it, even with my spare next semester. I'm really excited about it. I've started to loathe that class. I don't like the teacher, the two people I liked the most both dropped it so I barely talk to anyone, it's a lot of work and not what I thought it'd be. I thought it'd be mostly about sociology, psychology and anthropology... and it was, at first. Then I found out two weeks ago the rest of the semester will be about global politics which doesn't interest me and I just don't need it. I don't think I even want to go into something sociology related post-secondary, anyway. That damn class is just more stress and more work that isn't doing anything but dragging me down. I'll be able to put more work into my art and english classes which are what matter most to me. Another thing is, when I was mid-panic attack, I was considering dropping the entire semester so I could just work and focus on feeling better... this far into the semester, I'd say this is a much better idea. My mom's even okay with it. So, I'm really excited about that and I hope things will start looking up because of it. I'm trying really hard to be positive here.
A large portion of beal went on a field trip somewhere and we didn't get back until 3am. For some reason when we got back to school, korrin was really drunk and decided to run around naked. Some girl I don't know drove me and Michelle home but she was really clueless. Michelle got out of the car after about 20 minutes and walked home. I think I caught a magical ltc bus somehow. Maybe not. I know I got to my area around 4am. I went to Shell and ran into some girls from my class. One of them was really excited to see me and we sat down and talked for a bit. It turns out she lives near me and snuck out with her bike. (I think this part of the dream is referencing how desperately I want a friend to sit and talk with for ages. I miss that, and the girl in the dream was someone I know in real life who I wish I was friends with.) I went home to find Jake and his twin brother in my basement playing xbox. They said they were sleeping over. I was tired and didn't care and went to bed. When I woke up I played sims and found that they got rid of all of my favourite sim family's furniture and the sims were just wandering around burping in each others faces (that's funny because I think it references Jake's completely outrageous burps) but when they burped it looked like they were spewing out fire. The burp fire then turned into a sculpture of the person who's face they burped in, then turned into a pile of ashes. It was frickin weird. Later, my photography class went on a field trip to the beach... what? My photography teacher said we all had to go swimming to "wash all the terrible chemicals off". That's the most bullshit reason ever, but whatever. Something really weird happened in the water that I'm not going to blog about. I kind of just want to forget about that part. Later, I had a job at angelos and metro. I worked with a bunch of awesome friends, but the job at metro was just terrible. I was a greeter in the vegetable section and never had anything to do, so I just ate all the broccoli, which was actually asparagus in disguise and made me really sad. Then a customer came up to me and said "Are you even old enough to work here? You look like you're twelve." I sassed her out for that and told her I was sixteen. Which is kind of silly, because I'm seventeen. After that, the manager made me buy all the vegetables that didn't sell. There was many more interesting parts to the dream, but I think I've talked about it enough. I love having dreams like those. I'm always aware that I'm dreaming when it's happening near the end of them, so then it kind of feels like I'm watching a movie with myself as the main character, but I'm not seeing it from my point of view.
That dream blogging was longer than I intended it to be. Oops. Saturday, I sat around with my mom for 4 hours because we were both too lazy to move after we had breakfast so we just sat there and shot the shit. My mom's awesome. Later I went to a show that her boyfriend's band was playing in. The opening band kind of sucked, but her boyfriend's band was decent. It was in a banquet hall and majority of the people were old or middle aged which was kind of unfortunate, but overall it was an alright night.
Today I worked and it was terrible. I felt really anxious and stressed the entire time, like everyone was watching everything I was doing and nothing was right... even though I was kind of doing okay. I've even gotten a bit faster... not fast enough though, apparently. My department head told me I'm slowslowslow. I think I did pretty damn well, seeing as I've only worked there 3 weeks and I hadn't worked since my extremely slow 3 hour shift on Monday. She expects me to work as quickly as everyone else there. Everyone else has worked there for at least 3 months, much longer for most people, and a lot of them are full time. It's hard to get good at something when you get little practice. I don't mind not working a lot, but I wish I had at least 3 shifts a week, 3 or 4 hours long. Because I'm too slow, the only shift I have this week is a 4 hour shift on Sunday which kind of bothers me. I can't speed up without practice. I try really hard, and am practically running everywhere when I'm working.
Needless to say, I felt discouraged and awful when I got home. The stress of work, and all the stuff I have to do in my classes, plus other stress gave me a panic attack and it was possibly the worst one yet. It was terribleterribleterrible. I'm not going to elaborate. But once I finally calmed down, I thought about what I can do to make things easier and decided I'm going to drop my period 4 challenge and change class. I can still graduate this year if I drop it, even with my spare next semester. I'm really excited about it. I've started to loathe that class. I don't like the teacher, the two people I liked the most both dropped it so I barely talk to anyone, it's a lot of work and not what I thought it'd be. I thought it'd be mostly about sociology, psychology and anthropology... and it was, at first. Then I found out two weeks ago the rest of the semester will be about global politics which doesn't interest me and I just don't need it. I don't think I even want to go into something sociology related post-secondary, anyway. That damn class is just more stress and more work that isn't doing anything but dragging me down. I'll be able to put more work into my art and english classes which are what matter most to me. Another thing is, when I was mid-panic attack, I was considering dropping the entire semester so I could just work and focus on feeling better... this far into the semester, I'd say this is a much better idea. My mom's even okay with it. So, I'm really excited about that and I hope things will start looking up because of it. I'm trying really hard to be positive here.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I'm feeling really terrible right now and I've been having a lot of terrible nights and it's really difficult to deal with. I keep having these anxiety attack type things and it's just really, really difficult and scares me a lot. I went to the psychiatrist at the hospital and they told me to stick with my new dose of antidepressants and referred me to a cognitive behavioural therapy program. Waitingwaitingwaiting. Waiting for magic pills to brighten up the planet, waiting for bored people with majestic words or something. I hate waiting. I hate feeling like this. I want to sleep for a month and wake up cured. I also got new sleeping pills, cool.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Commence new, short week. I'm saying commence even though it's Tuesday.
I had a pretty good weekend. I saw people and worked and it was all fine and dandy. I think my art classes are going well. I started a sculpture and it could potentially be pretty awesome. I have an idea for my etching class that I'm pretty excited about, too. My teacher helped with the finishing touches on my ideas and jesus he really is ridiculously talented. He's retiring in two years so I'm very glad I'll have had the opportunity to be taught by him. I'm hating my period 4 class lately. We've been talking about politics and it's boring as shit. Tomorrow I have to talk to a psychiatrist at the hospital which is going to be really fucking shitty. I am not looking forward to it. I had to talk to him on the phone today and that was crappy enough. I hate talking. On the plus side, I don't have school tomorrow because of it and friday's a pd day. I'm pretty pleased about that. The end.
I had a pretty good weekend. I saw people and worked and it was all fine and dandy. I think my art classes are going well. I started a sculpture and it could potentially be pretty awesome. I have an idea for my etching class that I'm pretty excited about, too. My teacher helped with the finishing touches on my ideas and jesus he really is ridiculously talented. He's retiring in two years so I'm very glad I'll have had the opportunity to be taught by him. I'm hating my period 4 class lately. We've been talking about politics and it's boring as shit. Tomorrow I have to talk to a psychiatrist at the hospital which is going to be really fucking shitty. I am not looking forward to it. I had to talk to him on the phone today and that was crappy enough. I hate talking. On the plus side, I don't have school tomorrow because of it and friday's a pd day. I'm pretty pleased about that. The end.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
This weeeeeeek. Has sucked.
Blah. The week itself has been decent. Decent things have happened. I started my 3d class and it's looking a little less treacherous than I thought, but I could be wrong. I'm still sketching my ideas. I hope my teacher will be extremely helpful, cause I don't know shit. I also have printmaking which... I don't know. It'll be okay. Probably a bit overwhelming but when am I not overwhelmed by the art program? Tomorrow I have art history but I'm not going. There's an assembly in the morning and I have to bus to a doctor's appointment for 11 so there's just no point in going and maybe no point in going to my afternoon classes because in English I've just been working alone in the library and my 4th period teacher keeps showing me movies that I can't pay attention to. Maybe I'll do printmaking instead. I don't know. I'm just kind of thinking in text now.
I don't know why this week sucked. I've just been feeling really really crappy. I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow because she told me to come back asap if I feel worse so.. yeah. I'm really sick of feeling like this all the time. It's been crippling this week, for the most point. I think tomorrow will be a better day though, especially because I don't really have school and hopefully my doctor will help me out. Plus I get my first pay tomorrow! I only made 70 dollars and don't plan on spending it any time soon, but it's still exciting. I also have my first four hour shift on Sunday, finallyyy. Apparently it's busy on Sundays which will hopefully be nice because I prefer serving customers over cleaning... I think. I wonder how busy is busy.
I've also been rereading The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I'm doing part of my ISP on it!) and have forgotten how much I love that book. I also loved the movie so much, I must buy it someday. Anyway, sleeps now. Goodbye.
Blah. The week itself has been decent. Decent things have happened. I started my 3d class and it's looking a little less treacherous than I thought, but I could be wrong. I'm still sketching my ideas. I hope my teacher will be extremely helpful, cause I don't know shit. I also have printmaking which... I don't know. It'll be okay. Probably a bit overwhelming but when am I not overwhelmed by the art program? Tomorrow I have art history but I'm not going. There's an assembly in the morning and I have to bus to a doctor's appointment for 11 so there's just no point in going and maybe no point in going to my afternoon classes because in English I've just been working alone in the library and my 4th period teacher keeps showing me movies that I can't pay attention to. Maybe I'll do printmaking instead. I don't know. I'm just kind of thinking in text now.
I don't know why this week sucked. I've just been feeling really really crappy. I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow because she told me to come back asap if I feel worse so.. yeah. I'm really sick of feeling like this all the time. It's been crippling this week, for the most point. I think tomorrow will be a better day though, especially because I don't really have school and hopefully my doctor will help me out. Plus I get my first pay tomorrow! I only made 70 dollars and don't plan on spending it any time soon, but it's still exciting. I also have my first four hour shift on Sunday, finallyyy. Apparently it's busy on Sundays which will hopefully be nice because I prefer serving customers over cleaning... I think. I wonder how busy is busy.
I've also been rereading The Perks of Being a Wallflower (I'm doing part of my ISP on it!) and have forgotten how much I love that book. I also loved the movie so much, I must buy it someday. Anyway, sleeps now. Goodbye.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
weekendweekendweekend.
Today I saw silent hill (the new one) with jake then we went to a show. First we were at his mom's house for a bit and it was freezing out and I was underdressed so she lent me a few articles of clothing and I felt awesome. Jake's mom has the coolest style ever, and it's a good thing I don't just live there cause otherwise I'd probably never wear anything of my own ever again. Seriously, she's awesome. I was feeling really anxious about going to the show and being around people, but wearing someone else's clothes makes me feel like I'm in a costume which makes me feel less like myself which helps. That's why I love halloween. Anyway, we went and I was still anxious but I dealt with it. The show was in Jake's bandmate's garage in a crappy part of town. We got there a bit late and had to leave a bit early, so I only saw one full set but the band I saw the most of was incredible. They destroyed their drum set by the end of their set and were just fucking ridiculous to watch, having absolute musical meltdowns in this tiny garage packed with a small group of people who just really like local music. They kind of reminded me of a much crazier la dispute. They were just so insane and still sounded so amazing and it's really made me miss going to shows. That was one band who really put their hearts into what they do. We also hung out in a nearby taco bell for a bit with Jake's friends who I don't know well. They talked about people I don't know and reminisced about past events that I couldn't relate to. I didn't talk much. I've been thinking a lot. I've been so out of touch with reality lately.
This part of me doesn't mind being alone most of the time, but this other part of me is dying to be social... to do things like go to shows, go to parties, hang out with groups of friends again... I really miss it. I think my fondest memories were in grade 9 and 10 when I actually felt like part of a group. I think I convince myself that I like being secluded and alone in my reveries because it upsets me too much to think about how I miss people and how I'm such a screw up who can't converse with anyone. It's definitely upsetting me now. When the band was playing, I felt incredibly detached. I used to love going to shows so much because I felt a sense of community and belonging. While I did enjoy the music, all I could think about tonight was how horribly alone I felt in the small room packed with people.
I'm going to try and sleep now. It's 1am and I have to wake up at 6. I did have a good night though.
This part of me doesn't mind being alone most of the time, but this other part of me is dying to be social... to do things like go to shows, go to parties, hang out with groups of friends again... I really miss it. I think my fondest memories were in grade 9 and 10 when I actually felt like part of a group. I think I convince myself that I like being secluded and alone in my reveries because it upsets me too much to think about how I miss people and how I'm such a screw up who can't converse with anyone. It's definitely upsetting me now. When the band was playing, I felt incredibly detached. I used to love going to shows so much because I felt a sense of community and belonging. While I did enjoy the music, all I could think about tonight was how horribly alone I felt in the small room packed with people.
I'm going to try and sleep now. It's 1am and I have to wake up at 6. I did have a good night though.
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